Dealing with her father??

Amber - posted on 03/25/2009 ( 17 moms have responded )

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Hi ladies, My ex and I broke up almost 3 months ago and he is the biggest jerk most of the time with me. He is always calling me names and insulting me in anyway he can. But then he turns around and is all sweet and tells me he loves me and is gonna think about us being together again. When I tell him I don't wanna be with him anymore cause I am tired of this game he is playing. He turns around and is mean as hell again. If I am doing something and he doesn't know what or who it is with I am a hoe and every other name in the book. I really wanna try be friends with him cause I want him to be in our daughters life and I don't wanna fight with him for the next 16 years. How do I be friends with someone who makes me feel like I have to be carful about what I say cause if it's the wrong thing it blows up at me. By the way he is the one who broke up with me and for the fisrt month I begged him to try with me cause I didn't wanna be a single mom. Please any advice will be wonderful. I am so stressed out with this whole thing right now I feel like my life is all over the place and I don't know where to start picking it up.

Thank you

Amber

17 Comments

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Angie - posted on 03/27/2009

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Awww I am really sorry to read your story :( its terrible after been with someone for so long and sharing good and bad times with someone and having love and a child together that when it all goes pear shaped we realise our ex partners and our past life with them was not at all right, and hearing about your ex partner makes me remember my very similar situation with my ex, our split was very mutual, perhaos him more than I I recon i was actually in denial thinking that we would patch things up and get backtogether again which would of been very dumb but at the time thats what you think, I think it is his way for punishing you, even though he ended the relationship he feels guilt and the only way he can take that away from himself is to use you as a scape goat and he does this by being nasty with you and maybe more so because he now knows he has no control over you because you are over him and not wanting him back. He wants to have his power over you and  this is why he says nasty remarks to you, so that hes still feeling in control :( its very wrong and he must get off on it as weird as that sounds, my advice to you is to be there foir yur childs sake, be cival even if it means biting your tongue most of the time, if yur child picks up on you and your ex at eachothers throats then its just going to make your child stressed and no ex partner is worth putting our kiddies through that, Explain to him that you will not tolerate him  speaking to you and treating you in this way, otherwise he will have to see your child away from you, perhaps using a friendd or family to hand your child  over when its time to see the kiddies dad. Dont let it get to you euither, just remember hes an ex for a reason and is no longer a part of your life but a part of your daughters life so you do not need to be hearing this and that off him, good luck x

Caroline - posted on 03/27/2009

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hello im caroline ive split up wiv my childrens father almost 4 yrs ago! the name calling is still there ive stopped him seeing them as he has got children by a freind of mine and because they are backtogether he stays over there at any oppertunity and hes sees her kids all the time i wont let him come in and out of my kids lives when he feels like it u must be strong start off as u mean to go on thats the best thing! otherwise u could be in the same situation as myself hopefully things are gonna change from now on for me and my children hope u can do the same it took me a while hope it wont take u as long be strong!!!

Marisa - posted on 03/26/2009

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Hello Amber.
First, I wold like to say that I feel for you and that I used to know how you felt many moons ago. The way I handled the situation was that I just said one day that I was done with the mental abuse. Just because he's your child's father doesn't mean that he can treat you any old way he sees fit and if you don't put your foot down right now, it's just going to get worse. No one wants to be a sngle parent and at one time or another, we all think that they will change one day and that they will own up to their responsibilities but in situations like this.....it just doesn't happen the way it should.

In the end, I finally had to get a restraining order and after awhile he actually signed his rights away because he didn't want to have to have any responsibility what-so-ever. I'm not saying this will or should happen to you...but you have to put your foot down sometime and show your child that how strong you are as well as yourself.

I hope this helped you and if I offended you in anjy way, I do apologize. Twas not my intent.

Sincerely,
Marisa

Amanda - posted on 03/26/2009

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I had a similar problem with my son's father.  He would call, and ask to see him, then, 9 times out of 10 he'd cancel, or reschedule.  I got so frustrated.  Then, because I'm getting state assistance, Child Support Recovery went after him for support... and won... (so now I get a wooping 50 bucks per month)  Anyway, after he found out they were going after him, I haven't hear from him.  Now it's been 3 months, since he's made any attmept to contact me or see my son.  Good Luck!  It will get better!

Jennifer - posted on 03/26/2009

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everyone has good advise for you. Just remember you will never be a friend with him. He is childish and wants to control you with abuse. you let your gaurd down he will sense it and attack you. I have yes or no conversations with my ex.  no informations passes my lips to him. He has burned me to many time. I learned the hard way. I hope you can do better than me. I'm a sap!

Candice - posted on 03/26/2009

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i think we have the same ex! my method (which buys me some time in between nastiness) is to completely ignore him when he's a jerk, and talk to him with a smile and only about the child. it totally confuses him because he wants me to fight back. he'll send nasty texts and when he shows up to pick up our daughter i smile and talk about her food and behaviour that day and say "have fun with daddy!" and he can't do anything but be nice back because i give him nothing to fight about. he still makes me crazy, but we fight alot less now, and the namecalling has stopped. :)

Carista - posted on 03/26/2009

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Just like a toddler, ignore the bad behavior and give some form of praise when he treats you right!!   walk out of the room or leave the house when he is a jerk. YOu choose to be around it or shoose to show him you don't have to . i know this sounds childish and very hard!!! but i go through this on a daily basis and it actually works alot. Althought my ex has intermittent explosive disorder, bipolar 2 and angry at the world not just me all the time!  don't take it personal  because he is the jerk and the prob;em lies within himself. he is the one losing out on the most wonderful thing he has probably ever had!!   ( i am a psychology major by the way)



i have had to make my (now ex )fiance move out after 6 years together. it is soooooo hard sometimes. but life goes on.  I have the worst days sometimes and just can't handle it but focus on what your kids see and change the bad. You are obviously the only one they can depend on for stablity!!  :) 

Tavia - posted on 03/26/2009

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First you need to take a good look in the mirror and find out who you are and what you want! i can answer the first one for you, your child is the most important, i found that if they don't respect the mother of the children or child they don't truly respect the child either. your relationship to put it lightly is abusive (verbally), you need to pull away and deal with the most important part of the equation you and your daughter.  be stable, be blessed and good luck!!

Claire - posted on 03/26/2009

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i have been through the exact same thing he needs time to get over it i learnt that one tellhim that you only want tospeak to him if its to do with your daughter that is the only thing that he has any say in, your life is your life u need to get on with looking after your daughter believe me the rewards of being at home alone with your child are fantastic.....idont allow my ex in the house anymore he picks my son up from the door i tell him what time i expect him to be home and thats it i yiur daughter does not need to see the agro if you put that space between you both he will get over it and maybe one day you can be friends but dont count on being best friends you need to get on for your daughters sake and thats all



 



i really hope thjis helps and lets you see you are not the only one hunnie keep your chin up and enjoy being a mum x x x x

Amber - posted on 03/25/2009

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 Thank you! All of that really does help and alot of it I already know I have to do, I just have to do it and after the day I had with him today I think it is about time. Thank you ladies you are all very helpful.

Amber - posted on 03/25/2009

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 Aalyah will be 21 months on the first. I have benn the only parent for her for the first 10 months. He didn't meet her till then and now for the last almost 6 months. He was only with her for just over 4 months. I am more them happy to be a mom she is the love of my life. But I do want her to have her father in her life and with the way he is acting it is making it really hard for me to be nice about things?

Susan - posted on 03/25/2009

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I had the same problem with my kids father. Trust me it gets better as time goes by  we couldnt stand eachother when we broke up ,  now we can actually be in the same room for the kids . Just when he insults u dont respond after a while he will see it doesnt bother u and will stop .Just hang in there

Amy - posted on 03/25/2009

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This is a sign of emotional abuse and he is trying to manipulate you. It will probably be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do, but you have to teach him how to treat you. Don't let him know he is getting to you no matter what, only speak to him about your child, and get things done in writting thru the court. You can still be civil to him and work out what is in the best interest of the child. He knows you don't want to be a single mom so he plays on that to get to you. If you don't allow this it will be easier to move on. If you don't do this, the trend will continue until you decide you have the strength to stop it. Your choice- do it now and have your whole life to move on or waste the next five years. Don't believe you can change it.

Cheryl - posted on 03/25/2009

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Just have trust in yourself! And remember if you always do what youve done your will always get the same result!

Friends will have to come later when the control and emotions are under control. Take a stand for your child! You are a strong woman and no one can take that from you, we tend to just give that away!

Good Luck
If you need to talk I am here

Cheryl - posted on 03/25/2009

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I am in the same situation, 3 months as well. Very different but very close. For me what helped the situation was taking further actions (COURT). He knew that he used to be able to manipulate me and that I would just get walked all over for the sake of the family. AND I needed to make a stand that THIS time was DIFFERENT! I am not saying that is what you should do, but that is what helped my situation temperarily anyway!

[deleted account]

I have tried to be friends and it doesnt work and ive tried to be nice and it dont work. I have two kids and my ex doesnt pay any support nor does he keep in touch. I dont no it that is any help but im as lost with guys too.

Jacqui - posted on 03/25/2009

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Ok, first of all, you need to relax, take a deep breath and concentrate on your daughter and yourself for the moment.  He has no right to be calling you names and needs to be careful, as your daughter won't like hearing him say these things about you (you don't say how old she is, so am assuming she is old enough to understand) and if he's not careful, she will not want to have anything to do with him, which sounds as though it would be his loss, not hers.  Anyway, being a single parent is no different to there being 2 parents to be honest.  Yes, it's hard work (is anyway, no matter how many parents there are!), but the rewards are great!  Try to focus on getting into a routine with your daughter, that way you'll both know what you are doing and where you'll be and she won't worry about another parent going.  You need to be stable for her and she will love you for it.  And don't forget to have fun!!  Even if it's just some time spent at the local park or something, a bus ride somewhere and home again.  Little surprises that will be a real treat for the 2 of you.



As for the ex, it might be an idea to tell him that you will not tollerate the name calling and it would be better to stick to talking about your daughter, if you have to speak at all!!  What he is doing is not nice and, most likely, not justified.  Don't let him continue to dangle the proverbial carrot in front of you (getting back together), show him that you can raise your daughter and if he wants to be part of her life then he must act accordingly.



I hope this helps, good luck to you - enjoy every moment of moving ahead with being a Mum and developing what I'm sure will be a good and solid relationship with you daughter.



Jacqui.

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