He was an abusive father and I am afraid to let them down

[deleted account] ( 6 moms have responded )

I have four kids and am divorced from their abusive father. Their are times when I punish them that I feel they think I will do the same to them. I never would! I tell them that, and show them as much love as a mother can. Not only am I dealing with recovering from the abuse my self I am dealing with their recovery. I sometimes still cry myself to sleep on behalf on their pain. I still see the fear in my daughters eyes. and I am afarid that my youngest daughter will run to him with open arms cause i was pregnant with her with this was going on. Will she think I am a liar and that I am the one who caused all the pain. Do I let them down with all the worrying I do about the situation. Do I give them enough love. will they b able to except marriage when they are older. Did I break the cycle or only create a worse one? Are these questions even normal? Pls some ease my worries!!!!!!!!

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[deleted account]

Thank you for your encourging words. Just listening to people and knowing someone cares means alot. I would like to talk to people who have been through similar situations. So thansk you!!

Alexis - posted on 05/14/2009

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hi cassie,

congratulations on leaving him.. that is a hard step for any woman to do....

i to left my abusive husband .. i have 2 boys to him. they were 5months abd 22 months when i left him.... it hasnt been easy...it has been nearly 2 yrs now and i feel thngs are only just starting to settle down.... the boys went through stages where they would constantly cry.. they would be mean to eachother and then they would be really clingy to me...

but now i find they play and laugh and give lots of cuddles.. they talk of daddys house and mummys house.. they know they go and see nanny and poppy with daddy not mummy.... etc....

be proud of yourself cassie, do what you think is best... if you show them love and be consistant with the house rules (so to speak) then they will be fine....

im in australia and i do know that their are a lot of support groups out there for woman in our situations... have you looked into groups or counselling...

also look after yourself... allow yourself to cry.. their is nothing wrong with that.... leave the dishes on the sink if you dont really want to do them, have a long hot shower.... if you are happy then the kids will be to.... i wasnt handling the stress of having two demanding toddlers... so i went to see the doc and she gave me anti depresants.. i feel more in control of everything now...

i wish you luck....

smile,

alexis....

[deleted account]

I think that you should seriously consider counseling services if they are available, to help you answer some of your questions. The first step was recognition, the second leaving, now you need to get helping with the dealing part.

Dawn - posted on 05/13/2009

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Hi Cassie,
I left my son's father because he was abusing me, ( my son still sees his father because the abuse was never directed at our son, his father's problem is with women).
However I did not want my son to grow up in an abusive environment, and living in fear was affecting my ability to be a good mother to my son.
My son was quite young, but he remembers things, even if he doesn't understand those memories.
Your children will remember, and when my son asks (he's 3 1/2) I've told him we don't live with Daddy because he hurt me and 'wasn't very nice' to me, obviously the age of the child changes the explaination. I don't constantly badmouth his father, but I don't lie when he asks me questions. I grew up in an abusive home, and I know the damage I carried with me for many years, and the effects which are still with me today.
I won't allow my son to go through the same and can assure you that you have made the best decision you can make for your children (and yourself).
As far as your children blaming you or not believing you, As long as you conduct yourself the best you can, they will trust and respect you. It's important to discipline your children, they need that, and consistancy to feel secure.
They will regain their spirit in time, and you will heal.
This isn't easy when you have children, and practical matters to take care of. But in time you will, and you obviously love your children.
There are many support organizations out there. Try google searches etc.
And you have broken the cycle, you wouldn't want your sons to grow up to abuse their families, or your daughters to choose abusive partners. If you stayed with him you'd have been teaching them that it was acceptable, which it isn't.
You've done the right thing
I'm in danger of waffling extensively now and repeating myself, rest assured things will get better, and go easy on yourself.
All the best for the future you and your children deserve
xx

Amanda - posted on 05/12/2009

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I would like to offer some encouragement too you Cassie. Don't second guess yourself as a parent. You did the right thing by taking them out of the situation. You should not speak negatively about their dad but it is ok to tell them that their dad needed to find healing withing himself and that is why you made the decision you made. The only thing that has gotten me through my separation is my faith in God. He is my strength!!! If I start to have negative thoughts like this, I immediately go into prayer and recognize that I don't have to make myself go crazy with the past or the what ifs of the future. Love them and be there....give encouragement and be honest with the kids with how you have a difficult time as well but you all can help each other start the healing process and spend time in prayer with them. I always tell my little girls that even when our earthly fathers let us down we have a heavenly father who doesn't and they are starting to respond to that in prayer.



Be blessed and rest in knowing that you made a choice that was in thebest interest of your childreN!

Amanda - posted on 05/12/2009

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I would like to offer some encouragement too you Cassie. Don't second guess yourself as a parent. You did the right thing by taking them out of the situation. You should not speak negatively about their dad but it is ok to tell them that their dad needed to find healing withing himself and that is why you made the decision you made. The only thing that has gotten me through my separation is my faith in God. He is my strength!!! If I start to have negative thoughts like this, I immediately go into prayer and recognize that I don't have to make myself go crazy with the past or the what ifs of the future. Love them and be there....give encouragement and be honest with the kids with how you have a difficult time as well but you all can help each other start the healing process and spend time in prayer with them. I always tell my little girls that even when our earthly fathers let us down we have a heavenly father who doesn't and they are starting to respond to that in prayer.



Be blessed and rest in knowing that you made a choice that was in thebest interest of your childreN!

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