How Do I Explain: Daddy Doesn't Love You??

Kristen - posted on 02/20/2009 ( 23 moms have responded )

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The father of my child (Due this April) left me as soon as I found out I was expecting. Knowing the goals and dreams I had already set for myself, I chose not to abort the preganncy but to hold on and see it through.



I am struggling with how to tell my son (when he is old enough) that his dad doesn't want him or anything to do with him. The guy has a previous child and will probably go onto having more children, but I am lost when it comes to how I'm going to tell him why his dad doesn't love him or want anything to do with his existance.



I would love to tell him his dad died, or make up some other lame excuse, but if the man decides to pop back in ten years, I will be such a liar to my son.



How do I explain this to him? I know it was my choice to keep the baby, and I should just have to deal with it, but is there anyway I can make the suffering less when telling him "daddy doesn't give a rats ass about you hun"????

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Camilla - posted on 02/22/2009

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i've been through kind of the same thing, except my daughter's dad has been a bit in and out of her life. What i've told her is that her daddy loves her, but he doesn't know how to be a dad. And when someone hasn't learned how to be a dad, he wont act like normal dads. Let your son come to you and ask about his dad when he gets older - and don't talk badly about his father, because he (your son) will find out for himself soon enough - then the truth about his dad will come from his own experience and not from his "bitter mom".

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Amanda - posted on 02/24/2009

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Even though my ex still has some contact with our son i am planning to tell my son that his daddy just wasn't ready to be a dad.

[deleted account]

I wouldn't tell him until he gets old enough to understand.  I amfacing the same situation with my 2 younger daughters.  So when they cry for their "sperm Donor" I tell them that I'm mommy and daddy.

Kundalata - posted on 02/24/2009

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I don't think using the words your dad doesn't love you is ever necessary, Talking about different kinds of families and letting your son know how much you love him and the others in your family and even your close friends that love him is what I would do. When he is old enough let him know the truth, You can say that your biological father has never even met you and left your family even before he was born and continue to let him know how much you love and care for him. You can also let him know that it is not his fault and that he deserves all the best in the world. Good luck! I have a very close friend who is in this exact situation, even if the dad does not want to have anything to do with his son he still has financial obligations to him. You may think you don't need it but when he is older and has dental bills and daycare it will make a big difference. I hope you make sure that the father pays child support no matter what he chooses to do.

Mary Elizabeth - posted on 02/22/2009

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I thought about that a lot during my pregnancy and decided it might go something like this... "Daddy doesn't not love you - he chose not to be with Mommy. Sometimes grown-ups do terrible things and make bad choices, and you are such an amazing person/kid and he doesn't even know what he is missing." If you come up with a better idea - PLEASE TELL ME! PLEASE.

Josee - posted on 02/22/2009

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I don't agree with any sentence that starts "your daddy wasn't" From the get go you're being negative about a man your son hasn't even met.

How about starting with the definition of a father or a daddy just because someone helped make your son doesn't give him that title. And now a days some kids have 2 dads or 2 moms with divorce and blended families. Your son is lucky he has a mommy who's big enough to be a daddy too... lots of love for him.

My situation --met xman claimed a vasectomy from beginning, we got pregnant and there was no other partner in my life so godwilling I'm pregnant xman still sticks to his story. but doesn't pay or see for his exhisting child that knows him so ....better of without him.
When my son gets older he will be told that even though it take a man and a woman to make a baby it only takes one to love raise and cherish a child as precious as him. Providing for him comes from the best person in his life and that he is rich in love from the rest of our family, grand-ma, grand-pa, aunts and cousins. Both my sisters are divorced and let me tell you I'm glad I don't have that headache of dealing with an ex.

Josee

Queenie - posted on 02/22/2009

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you are right. be honest to your son that his dad left and simply say that you promise to explain things to him when he's older, for the reason that little kids should be busy learning their abc's etc. and that he will understand more when he's old enough. then yes, when he's bigger, do tell him what you feel about the dad leaving you. by then he will have his own opinion without you looking like you brainwashed it into him. and explain he doesnt have to be any less a person that his dad doesnt love him. there are many sorrows in this world, and this is just one, he might as well start practising that this is not a perfect world, but that will never stop a person to be happy and accomplished. fooling him that his dad loves him is such a blatant lie that it's useless to attempt to make him feel better that way. be honest, after all, by then, you would have proven that there's so many blessings in life without him. and encourage him to forgive. After all, it's not his loss to have an irresponsible father. it's the father's loss to live a life without conscience.

Wendi - posted on 02/22/2009

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Seriously... Think about it.. your 17 years old and ready to graduate HS...and you ask mom do you think my Dad would want to come... Mom turns to you and says no sweetie, He doesn't love you.... Yeah.... That's a good idea... I'm sorry and I don't mean to sound shallow, but that is just sick... Of course you don't say that to your kid... He doesn't need to know jack shit about that p.o.s. The father (or sperm donor, sorry about the crudeness, but he doesn't deserve the title of father) doesn't deserve to even have his name even mentioned... You simply tell him (when he's old enough, which is when he asks) your daddy and I couldn't get a long... I am sorry he wasn't man enough to be here for you, but I (you) will always be here... assure him that he is the most important thing in the world to you and raise him to be responsible and take accountability for his actions... In other words... teach him not to knock his girlfriend up and run like a pussy..

Kelly - posted on 02/22/2009

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Don't tell him that, please!  When that day comes, your answer should go as follows:



 



Daddy wasn't ready for a baby and mommy was lucky enough to be the mommy and daddy.  So if your ever wishing or missing you daddy, just remember mommy and daddy has been here everyday since you were born, and I have loved you more than any one daddy could ever have!



 



I hope that helps, feel free to resond to this if you need anymore advice.-Kelly

Gail - posted on 02/22/2009

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You don't tell there will come a time when he finds out for himself but until then he needs to know that he is the best thing that ever happen to you and you love him more then the world

Rachel - posted on 02/22/2009

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I am in exactly the same situation.  My son is 16 mths and despite his biological father living only two suburbs away, they've never met.



I think the best thing is what you're doing - be prepared.  I have a little spiel already organised so that when or if he asks I don't get all bitter and twisted.  It goes like this:



"He didn't want to be a family with us.  You were still in my tummy, and I wanted you so badly that I knew I could love you enough for both a mummy and a daddy."



Rachel

Alba - posted on 02/22/2009

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ok i hope my OPINION help:

I have a soon to be 3yr old lil gurl! Her father was an abusive man to me but me being da bigger person i have been able to work things out n allowed him (wit restriction) to see his daughter. Fo da past 2 yrs he has done nothing but come n leave her life. I agree wit one of da post of the gurls...put my FOOT down and dont allow him to see her anymore, but da way i see it is dat wat he does is all gonna fall on him down da road. I also agree wit not tellin ur child bluntly dat da "sperm donor" doesnt luv him or her. dat will just confuse da child. Fo instant, my lil gurl is 2 but thinks like a 10 yr. she knows her father comes n goes, n she makes sure she lets him kno she is upset wit him wen he decides to come around! He comes to get her n she says "NO..Your not my friend"..its her ways of saying she is upset wit u! Right now i just let her make her decision on how she feels about him, if she wants to go wit her ill let her, if not i dont force her. But i do plan on tell her EVERYTHING dat went on between her father n i wen SHE is ready to understand n hear it. I will not make dat decision for her. Also i think dat u should neva talk bad about da other half (father) only because it can bite u in da ass later. fo example if u say, his a bad father or he dont luv u and down da road he starts to come around n u allow him to be dea n it turns out his not a bad father after all n he really shows he really luv his child, den ur child is only gonna look at YOU n think ur a liar n have lied to dem all their life. keep ur opinion of dem to urself, wen ur child is ready to hear wat REALLY happened dem u can tell dem cuz dei wanna kno.

I hope my opinion made sense and it helps a lil.....

Emily - posted on 02/22/2009

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My daughter is 4 and goes thru daddy phases. For awhile, when she would as where her dad was I could simply say "London" and that was good enough for her. Eventually she started to ask more questions. I recently had to face the difficult questions of "why don't I have a daddy?" I simply explained to her that she is a wonderful, precious girl and deserves only the absolute best. The dad that she had wasn't good enough for her, but it's ok because she has me and her gramma and grampa who love her more than anything.

Jessica - posted on 02/22/2009

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Ok, I understand now that I read your previous post. My Ex never wanted anything to do with our daughter when I was there, and it was only when I left that he made an effort. He now has a completely new family (he knocked up someone else just 3months after we left, baby was born a week ago) and makes such an effort for her. I am happy that he is enthusiastic about her fortnightly visits now...

However, when my daughter is old enough... yes, I know- 20 odd years is a long time to wait- but by then, when I tell her, she will hopefully still have a great relationship with her father and it wont be such a HUGE big deal, she will hear what I have to say, and then probably go and talk to him about it without instantly hating him for what happened throughout our relationship.



Even when she is old enough, I will probably only say to her 'Well, we didnt have enough time to get to know each other in the beginning, we fell pregnant instantly and we really did try to make it work but unfortunatly, he was emotionally / mentally abusive to me, and in the end, I made the decision for YOU that you would have a happier life if your father and I were apart. Without the abuse and anger, I was able to provide a better life for you.'



Then I will probably just advise her not to feel any anger towards him, as we just werent meant to be together.



Us being apart will never change the way we feel about her, she is our princess- and thankfully, we are finally getting along. Its taken a year.. and I still just waiting for him to do soemthing stupid, but our relationship as her parents is getting better.

Kristen - posted on 02/22/2009

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Quoting Jessica:

Why on earth would you EVER tell a child that someone doesnt love them?!
That will be more harsh on your child than just explaining that he doesnt have a Daddy. You dont have to explain anything, just tell him he is a lucky little boy, he doesnt have a Daddy but he has a Mommy that loves him so SO much and thinks he is the most special little boy on the planet.
I have made a vow to myself that I will not tell my daughter any details of my relationship with her father until she is in her late teens. Possibly even until she is in her 20's and she will be able to understand and look at it without hormones or anything blinding her and causing stress in her life.


20s? Wow thats a looong time of avoiding the subject- but I completely hear ya!!!!



I dread the thought of the day I have to explain the situation, but Im glad Im not alone! 



I wouldnt ACTUALLY tell him his dad doesn't love him, I was just trying to state whats on my mind, lol. Its just- how does one explain something so brutal.. but apparently there are many ways, and Im sure we will all find our own way to interpret the message, right?



Its just heartbreaking is all. Men can be so brutal at times, but I guess thats why women are made to give birth- we're strong!



I really don't want to put the guy down, for Im having a son, and I dont want him to think Im a man hater or that Im bitter, cuz Im not. It was the guys choice and whatever- I somewhate respect his decision. He stood his ground and I stood mine. Its just unfortunate that our "grounds" were on different continents apparently.



 



I think for the most part I will tell my son his dad is "busy" until he is old enough to understand what it is I have to tell him, but Im sure by then he won't care anyways.. and if he does, I'll just have to tell him the truth.. that his Father wasn't ready to be a "Dad", and a "Dad" is someone who is always there for you and takes care of you, etc.



I really have nothing else to stand behind. Its not that we didn't get along. Its not that he wasn't ready. Its simply that he didn't want another kid at this point in time. The fact remains that he is going to have a son whether he likes it or not, and I just hope one day my son will comfront his dad and let him know he succeeded in life without his help. That he is better than his father and that his dad can rot in hell for abandoning his existance. I hold no resentment for the man involved, but I sure hope he realizes what a gift he threw away..

Jessica - posted on 02/22/2009

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Why on earth would you EVER tell a child that someone doesnt love them?!

That will be more harsh on your child than just explaining that he doesnt have a Daddy. You dont have to explain anything, just tell him he is a lucky little boy, he doesnt have a Daddy but he has a Mommy that loves him so SO much and thinks he is the most special little boy on the planet.

I have made a vow to myself that I will not tell my daughter any details of my relationship with her father until she is in her late teens. Possibly even until she is in her 20's and she will be able to understand and look at it without hormones or anything blinding her and causing stress in her life.

Samantha - posted on 02/21/2009

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hun just tell ur son the truthn when he is old enoughn to understand dnt lie to9 him coz it will make uit harder on u trust me

Melanie - posted on 02/21/2009

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i cant give you a right or wrong answer, i have two boys both to the same father my 1st boy had his dad around till he was ten months then we split but he kept contact then we got back together and i fell pregnant with my 2nd boy but he left me at five months pregnant then saw both the boys till the baby was 2 1/2 months and hasnt seen them since he has no idea who he is. yes every child has the right to no both parents but in my experiance when the father dont want to no then put your foot down and dont let him in till your child is old enough to make their own decition and thats what im doing. be strong for you and your baby xx

User - posted on 02/21/2009

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The beautiful thing about this day and age, is that society has begun to accept alternative families. The last time my son's "sperm donor" saw him was after he was born in the hospital. I've come to terms, and prepared myself during my pregnancy, on ways to explain to my child about "Our Family" and that it is different and very special. My son is now 4, and he is aware that his family consists of him, his Mommy, his Grandma... That is OUR immediate family. I've even gone as far as drawing a picture of "Our Family" and hung it on the fridge. For us, this is step one. When he starts to ask why he doesn't have a Daddy, I agree with your other replies... Telling the truth. I don't have it all planned out on what to say or how to say it. I can only take it one day at a time. You are only capable of doing what you feel is right and trying your hardest to do what's best for your child or children. No one can fault you for doing JUST that.

Kim - posted on 02/21/2009

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Hey there



i personally wouldnt worry too much about all that at this stage. I know its hard but try to focus on whats important for you.  like getting through the birth and the first 12 months of your Sons first year.  It will be a rollercoaster ride but lots of fun and tears..  The good thing at the moment is that your son wont know the difference.  My kids are older and its harder when their father leaves them when they are 8 and 5 because he has been in their lives for so long..  I have a never lie policy.  it ohly comes back to haunt you.  You dont really need to say anything except when he starts asking questions (that will hurt)  then you can just say oh well dad is doing hi own thing etc...  But he wont be doing this until he is older say 2 or 3 or 4.  i guess it depends on his enviornment and what he is exposed to,  ie other dads and families.  Becises you never know you may meet someone who is willing to take on that father role and you can just say well daddys not here but xxx is and loves you very much.  i know its hard but try to be optmisitc.  Good luck..

Amber - posted on 02/21/2009

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i know exactly what ur going thru.... my daughter's father left when i found out i was pregnant too, she'll be a year next month and he's just starting to come around and see her.. he saw her when she was 2 months old but only like 3 times... and he's seen her twice lately but he makes up some excuse that he cant come by and see her, she doesnt know who he is and he wonders why she cries when he holds her. and unfortunately he lives right down the street so i cant tell her anything like he left or whatever.. cuz he prolly will pop back up.. so i really dont know what to tell u but just bear with it and get child support out of him, suck him dry! lol

Shorty - posted on 02/21/2009

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First i would not tell your child that his father doesn't love him. that is starting a child off with rejection.

This is how i have explained things to my child as time goes by i have told her things such as he has a new family, he does not live with us anymore, mommy and X are not getting back together but Mommy loves you more then Christmas (little joke with us).

since then we have talked about why her father doesn't want to be around her and i used the most basic of terms one that she really understood was that his heart was hurting and that while his heart is in pain and being yucky he cannot love us the way he should love us.

Be sure you don't explain to much because he will be smart enough to see it for himself. but if you say something he feels is a lie then he will always quesiton what you say and think you are the bad guy

Write me anytime if you have questions i always have open ear Good luck!

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