How do I tell people "Dad" is not involved?

Anne - posted on 04/12/2009 ( 12 moms have responded )

2

2

0

I'm 42 and had been told since my early 20's that I would not be able to have children, while that was difficult news to hear I delt with it. I am in Graduate school, I meet a guy (also in his 40's) and Suprise within 6 months I was pregnant. Well, decisions needed to be made and I decided that this was such a tremendous gift I was not having an abortion. The father on the other hand decided he was "scared" and did not want to disrupt his life (He has a 11 year old daughter from a previous marriage) so he has decided to tell no one of my son's existance. I think he is making a horrible decision but it is one he has to live with (he has no drug or alcohol issues).

My son is 9 months old and I am still finding myself having a hard time explaining where the father is. I thought that if I could seem "matter of fact" about it others would follow instead I am being met with strange looks or awkward silences.

My family and friends say that the fathers choice to not be involved says more about him than me but yet when I tell people the father is not involved my family and friends want to know why I needed to say that or tell me "it's too soon to tell them that"....I just don't know what to do anymore. How do other people answer this question?

This conversation has been closed to further comments

12 Comments

View replies by

Tara - posted on 04/14/2009

49

15

4

I'm a 38 year old single mommy, by CHOICE, too! Similar story...after a brief stint of dating, I learned I was pregnant, and his dad and I decided to part ways. Though my little 16 month old's dad is involved (not financially, but with time and love invested), I'm often presented with "well-meaning" folks who question my decision to go it alone. I'd always wanted a baby and knew that if the opportunity presented itself I'd be willing to do it on my own if need be. It's no one's business why...or how...and really, it's not their place to judge, either. If a stranger asks "Where's his dad?", I reply with "He's in (the town he lives) right now", and leave it at that. It's not their business. If a well-meaning friend prods for more info, I reply with "It's better this way - it's my choice, and it's working out great, thanks!" and leave it at that. If YOU are really okay with it, keep your answers simple and light, changing the direction of conversation..people are nosy and quick to offer their opinions, but unless they're walking in your shoes, they don't have the right to make you second-guess how you choose to live your life. Congratulations on your baby boy - he'll always be your biggest love, and the only one you need to worry about pleasing.

[deleted account]

I just tell people that he's not involved and when they ask why I just say it's a choice that he made and leave it at that, unless you feel more comfortable telling more.  Hang in there.

Jill - posted on 04/14/2009

5

0

0

Quoting Sarah:



My ex-husband walked out on me and our daughter just before her 2nd birthday. If anyone asks I just tell them that we're not together anymore and that I'm happier than I have been in years, they don't tend to ask much more after that because they realise that I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I f you are happy and your child/children are happy and loved then nothing and no-one elses opinions matter! x





Ditto.

Jodie - posted on 04/14/2009

34

11

3

i have been on my own since i was 3 months pregnant and I just say just that we broke up when I was pregnant. you dont have to say anything else - why be embaressed you have a cute son and have him all to your self!!



I get funny looks and the awkward silences but i just think to my self - well at least I can manage on my own and all the decions i have to make for my son I dont have to work it out with someone else.

Katie - posted on 04/14/2009

26

37

3

My son is 2 and half and see his dad now and then and to be honest some times i wonder why ..i use to get asked these questions but at the end of the day its nobodys buisness but yours dont feel pressured into answering them if your not ready, i now have another baby and her dad is brilliant with my son and it makes a real difference to him...these men choose to be sods and walk away from there children but at the end of the day its them that lose out not you....x

Sarah - posted on 04/13/2009

1

22

0

My ex-husband walked out on me and our daughter just before her 2nd birthday. If anyone asks I just tell them that we're not together anymore and that I'm happier than I have been in years, they don't tend to ask much more after that because they realise that I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I f you are happy and your child/children are happy and loved then nothing and no-one elses opinions matter! x

Lara - posted on 04/13/2009

6

2

0

My daughter is now seven years old, and has never met her dad. He was told about the pregnancy, but hasn't been heard from since. People ask all the time "and what about her father?" so i tell them that he doesn't want to know and that is his loss.



Incidentally, I am currently pregnant with my second child, and guess what, the dad is ignoring me as apparantly it has nothing to do with him!?!?! So i guess i'm due to do the whole thing over again!



But at the end of the day it shouldn't matter what other people think. You know what happened, you know it was his decision to not be involved, and you know that you have done absolutely nothing wrong. So hold your head high and tell them that its none of their business and you don't want to talk about it!!

Tasha - posted on 04/12/2009

4

7

1

Well I think people are way too nosey i hat that but i smile and say what dad? The hardest person to answer to is my 4 year old niece wow right now i have been able to change the subject, but i don't know how much longer that is going to work. It is a very scary thing but i just keep my head held high, and take one day at a time! Keep rockin mom!  Tushie

Kristin - posted on 04/12/2009

5

18

0

I've found it's easier to avoid the question when it's a stranger or someone not close. Like when people ask me about my kids father, most people ask the question, What does he do? I don't know why it matters but it's usually the opener and I say what he does and move on. Don't provide info they don't ask for and generalize your response. As your son gets older it'll get easier and people won't ask b/c they'll know. It was hard for me at first because my parents are together and all of my friends growing up had a two parent household.... once I realized that more people come from a one parent or step parent household I was much more comfortable talking about it. When people give you those looks , and are make you question yourself, look at your son, and tell them the truth that it was all worth it because he gave you the best gift ever, your son! Never doubt yourself you stepped up and will make it work just have to have faith. Hope it helps.

[deleted account]

be honest about who the father is, but just let them know he wasent ready to have a baby again as his children are older and leave it at that.

Cynthia - posted on 04/12/2009

11

9

0

I'm 29 with a 5 year old son.  My son's father lives in a different state, long story short I left him before ever knowing I was pregnant.  That was a blessing in disguise.  The father does know about him though.  When people that I don't know ask me where the father is, I just say he is working in Texas right now.  Which he is, so it's not a complete lie.   When people ask if the father keeps in touch, I answer “He calls when he can, but since we live in two different states it can get kind of difficult.” But the truth in No.   I just always try to make it a casual thing.  Put a positive note on the facts. I noticed that when I do this, I don’t get quite as many awkward looks.  They assume things certain things and I’m fine with that.  I wouldn’t give out too much detail thought.  Don’t know if this helped you, but it’s what I do.    

Sarah - posted on 04/12/2009

1

18

1

I have been a single parent since before my 12 year old son was born so i know exactly what you mean.First of all it does get easier and the way i dealt with other people was just to say the father doesnt want to be involved and that he will be the one to lose out not me or my son.Stick with it,my son is the best thing i got out of my relationship with his father and we dont miss him at all but boy has he missed out.xx

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms