How do you finally give up on the father and move one?

Alicia - posted on 11/22/2008 ( 50 moms have responded )

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It is so hard and I just keep crying every night. My daughter is 2 years old and her father and I seperated 4 days before her 1st birthday. We have been trying to work things out but he is immature and irresponsible for 28 years old. He would rather hang out with his friends from the past than work on bringing his family back together. I don't know what to do. He won't talk to me or anything.

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[deleted account]

My heart goes out to you, Alicia.  It's never easy when things like this happen.   Crying and just taking things day by day is pretty much all you can do ... Making a decision and working hard to execute it is difficult at the beginning ... 



I left my son's father when he was 6months old -- same reason as you -- complete inmmaturity for 28 yr old grown ass man ... I had reached my limit so I didn't shed any tears ... then when he saw that this time I wasn't coming back he takes me to family court to try and take the baby from me ... it was a circus and he lost miserably since all his "claims" were false ....



I don't wish that on anybody ... so, it's hard now but you just basically need to decide to move on and take it day by day ... doing things daily to distract you and keep you moving ...

User - posted on 03/11/2009

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He is not ready for a family, u just keep taking care of ur daughter.. I know its easy to say, then do but u have to do it.  And dont ask him anymore or try..It will be his Lost...Good Luck



 

Shelby - posted on 03/11/2009

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I know what you are going through. It is really hard, I grew up without a father and it was bad. In my opinion no father is better than a bad one. If he is showing no interest then its time for you  and your daughter to move on without him. It will be what is best for both of you. You just have to make the decision to improve your life and your daughters despite what he is doing. Let him go down by himself and not bring you and your child with him. Hang in there and good luck sweetie!

Lynn - posted on 03/11/2009

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I couldn't believe it when I saw this thread. I was just about to post a similar topic when I saw it. I have been married for 10 years now and found out recently that my husband is cheating for the second time. We have 2 kids, aged 1 and 4. I am divorcing him now. I took him back after the first time he cheated and now that he's done it again I can never trust him again or forgive him. It is over, but it is so hard to get over him and move on. I still love him, but know that we are over. He wants to get back together, but I have told him that I will Never trust him again and therefore a relationship is not an option. It is hard to move on though. If anyone figures out the secret, please let me know.

Malaika - posted on 03/09/2009

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I have viewed a few of the convo and due to my ex situation I would like to say...congrats to all woman speaking out both young and old - to avoid this circle of ignorance in woman lets teach each other and our daughters.



To value themselves, to demand respect, love and faithfulness. If a man can't be a good man then he needs to leave. You can't make someone change never.

Malaika - posted on 03/09/2009

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Well think about your daughter - she does not deserve the situation her dad and you are in. When you look 2 or 4 years down the line would you still want to be where you are? If you don't let go will you still be in the same situation with her dad? Neither you nor your daughter deserve second best. He will always be her dad but you deserve more for her sake and your own. More importantly you will also need spiritual upliftment in order to have the soul ties broken that cause you to not move ahead relationship wise. I have so much more to say cause I have been in the same situation and regret wasting so much time on what neva was meant to be. As they say some people were meant to come into our lives for a season others for a lifetime the reason why mosy lives are a mess is because the seasonal people we hold onto and overlook the lifetime companions.



 

Jennifer - posted on 03/09/2009

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Thank you, everyone, for sharing so openly on here. I have a beautiful (as yours all are) little girl who is now 5. I had to leave the father a month after she was born. It was my first love.  I was a single parent, freshly 18 years old, and he was abusive verbally and physically. Amazing how we women think that a baby will change him like it changes us? Sometimes the case (there are wonderful men out there) but not always. I have glanced back a few times, cried until I ran outta tears and felt so lonely I just held my baby for hours and hours at a time and felt like the world had come crashing down. It is strange, though, how things change. You start by taking one day at a time and the pain never seems to go away...all of a sudden its been 5 years. My daughter is such an amazing little person and I know I made the right choice. I extend my shoulder to all of you who are still going through the rough part. It can be so hard, but hey - you have a great thing going for each of you: you are woman. Made of the strongest fabric our creator could muster.

Elizabeth - posted on 03/04/2009

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hi, i cant belive us ladies go though all of this, i was with my childrens dad for 5 years he cheated and started telling lies from when i was 6 months preganant, i stayed with him and things got worst, he started emontionaly bulling me, making me feel like it was all my fault, things got a little better we had our second son, i had a misscarriage and got very depressed, he went off again cheating, we spilt up, but i never fell out of love with him, and took him back ending up with baby number 3 on the way, he has again gone off cheating behind my back and telling lies, but this time i couldnt have my children getting hurt again or myself, i still think about him and being preganant doesnt help. im looking forward to the birth of my little girl but am upset that dad doesnt want to be their for any of our children, but i have to be strong for them and in the long run it is him losing out. not the children and i. i hope your sort thing out but u must make sure ur happy, u can do this on your own. x x

Shereese - posted on 03/04/2009

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I can agree with you on this 100%. They're better off without the Deadbeat. Why take the children through a yo-yo phase?

Diane - posted on 03/04/2009

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Well I am a single mother of two girls the oldest of the two has a dad that hasn't seen her since she was tow moths old and the other dad moved out of state to straighten his life out and still has not done that yet. You need to do what is best for you and your daughter, and waisting time on someone that isn't willing to try only takes time away from your daughter and yourself. you need to focus on things that you need in your life and that your daughter needs as well, it won't be easy but believe me my girls are now 8 and 11 and I have raised them on my own, they are both straight A students and have manors and are just wonderful little girls, so you can do it, you will survive as for the father well its his loss and he will one day regret that he did not take the time to be a dad believe me karma is a bitch and those who are not willing to change and hurt others only end up really lonely in the end while you will be living a full life. It gets lonely but that daughter of yours is the most important person right now and no man should come a t the expense of that.

Shereese - posted on 03/04/2009

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Everytime I look at my daughter I just thank God for her. She's 8 months now. I had my daughter by a man that was already married to another women. I knew he was married, and so did he, but that doesn't erase the fact that she's his and his responsiblity. I've gotten over it, but will have to tell my daughter why she will never meet her dad. Thank God for my best friend of 10 years who've become her Dad in place of her biological Dad. Children are a blessing regardless of how they get here and we all should treat them as such, unfortunately, some men never grow up. Your children are better off without the deadbeats.

Hannah - posted on 03/04/2009

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Hey everyone! its really good this circle and nice to know im not on my own either! I have a lovely 3 and half year old son and every day i was wishing i had been able to give him a family unit,but as years have passed by so quickly i have come to realise its not always the best way if things are not right.Me and my ex split when my son was 14 months old i found it very hard to deal with day to day demands of been a single mum while my ex was living the life he used to lead before he became a father.I had alot of bitterness towards him and how he approached life as a father.for 2 years i had absolute hell from him and it really took its toll on me and my emotions.As years have passed though i am starting to re build my confidence and learning day by day that its the past now.he sees different women for 1 night stands and continues to very much imature but way i see it is its all his loss.My son is growing so quickly and now i am over the bitter stage im loving my life sooooo much more than before and been able to enjoy my son to the best of my ability.

None of you are on your own and it does take time.

But the hurt n pain and most importantly the resentment will fade in time and you will all come out of it a better person.

If ya ever feel low n down look at your child...your ex might be ur enemie but look at the person he helped you create! no one can take your child away from you.push out the hurt and be gratful u have a child to love n cherish! life can be taken from u at anytime why waste the years of health u have with your child dwelling on mistakes that have happen n been made! take cares all of you and be strong!! xx

Nikki - posted on 03/04/2009

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i went through exactly the same thing with my ex but i let him mess me around for nearly 4 yrs all you can do is just say to him if you want to be a dad then be one but as for me and you i wont be messed around cos at the moment he has got his cake and he is eatin it to cos he knows you will be there no matter what cos you still want him he will only be a dad when he wants to and you can talk till you are blue in the face you can cry and it wont matter he is just not ready yet and to be honest it is not fare on your child to have him comin and goin all the time i know its hard on you but you will just have to wait at the end of the day the loss is all his not yours cos you are the one that gets to see all her firsts good luck and just look after yourself and your daughter

Brandy - posted on 03/03/2009

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I hope this helps....I moved out two weeks after my daughter turned two... we were divorced months later! It was the best thing I have ever done!! It breaks my heart to see parents do it now to their children who are school aged now!! My daughter has grown up as this being her norm...she is totally used to seeing her father every other weekend and is totally fine with it! AS I SAID THIS IS HER NORM! This is what she rememebers...do not drag things out to school age and then drag them thru it!! Then they will remember it!! At this young age they will never remember what is happening!!! A happy mother mother is a happy house!!!! Trust me!! :) Good luck!!

Kristine - posted on 03/03/2009

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Just let him go. He has to want to be around, if you force him to be to be there it will only affect your daughter, and not for the better. Make new friends, go to a mom and baby play group, do stuff for the two of you. I know it's hard, mine left the day I told him I was pregnant, and I tried for a while to make him be here. She turned 18 last year, it's been hard but we got through it. Just recently she asked about finding him, and she did. He grew up in that time, and now she has a good relationship developing with him. If it's meant to be it will happen. If not let it and him go. Trust me, it's better for both you and baby. You both deserve the best, go out and find it hon!!

Keri - posted on 03/03/2009

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I have a very similar situation to Angela. I was married for 15 years, i kicked him out 7 years ago for cheating. It has been 7 years of pure torture. I spent 6 years trying to make him still be a dad. He lives 5 hours away so i used to meet him half way to pick up the kids (twice a year) and then give him gas money. I realized how dumb this all was when my son was in the hospital in the same city where he lived, and the whole 8 months my son fought for his life, my ex served me with court papers 3 times. Now he wanted custody of the kids (we have 4 kids, 3 still at home) when i had sole custody. Apparently having custody of a special needs child in his province is profitable.

So while i held my sons hand, he went out and made up court papers. All three times i had to get a lawyer and when we went to court, he wouldnt show up and then withdrew his claims.

Unfortunately i cant cut him out of our lives because my kids pity him, and i am close to his family. He is completely insane, my son ended up with a heart transplant so he has no immunity and should not be out in public for atleast the first year. His dad promised to take him to a concert where he lives, considering he doesnt have a wheelchair accessible van, no idea how to do meds, and wont change his diaper (my son is 16). Now i have to be the bad guy and tell him he cant go. Stupid stuff like that drives me nuts.

Took me till this life crisis with my son to realize how much of a monster my ex is. But i have learnt a valuable lesson in the last 7 years of being single, i love myself and i am ok with being single. My kids come first and if a guy happens to make his way into our lives then bonus, but i am ok with taking care of my kids and myself. Their dad is the one who will look back and hate himself for missing out in their lives. I agree totally with Bobbie, takes a MAN to be a daddy.....

Jeneen - posted on 03/02/2009

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That was the best thing he could have done!  You have to love yourself first.  He is the one missing out.  The best thing he had was you and your daughter.  It's hard to let go of a person your care about.  But you have to care about yourself more.  Stop crying and get your life back in order.  Thats what he want you to do be sad.  When you focus your attention on yourself and your baby girl he will get it back together.  Once he see you are not worried about him he is going to wonder why and he will be knocking on your door.  Keep your head up1

Zezinha - posted on 03/02/2009

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Sorry about all this ... It is very hard

Just pray and try to make easy and encourage her father to be there for her

Dawn - posted on 03/02/2009

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alicia,



I know it's tuff but you have to put yourself first and then your daughter he don't deserve y'all if he did he would have been with you both think about the future and hwta you can do for you and your daughter........

Tiffany - posted on 03/02/2009

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Sweetheart don't worry about it. my son is only a month old and his father still hasn't seen him yet!!!! It's hard at first don't get my wrong, but when you look into your daughter's eyes,it all changes. thing's will get better and trust me there are other men out there that are willing to take that role. just live for you and your daughter and you will be alright.

Stephanie - posted on 03/02/2009

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My daughter, has never meet her father because he split before she was born and I don't know where he is at. He didn't want a daughter he wanted a son. Therefore. my saying is goodbye and don't come back. My first concetn is my daughter and her happiness.  my daughter is 5 and I find my self so busy now that i am normally not concern tomuch that he is not around. the only problem I have is she has started asking about him

Kassie - posted on 02/25/2009

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that is exactly what happened..i gave in and we started seeing each other again and two weeks later he told me he loves me but he still loves the girl he left me for in the first place....i was crushed again but at least now i know he will never change and not give him another chance

Tonya - posted on 02/24/2009

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Just focus on you and ur child, that's what's most important. The same thing happened to me...I thought about his proposition for almost 2 wks and then broke down telling him how much I missed him and still loved him too...he had changed his mind...he was seeing someone else the whole time, for months before too. Don't live ur life based on his ups n downs, let him do what he wants n be steady n strong for ur baby. If he really wants u, he'll show u, even if u aren't open to it...he'll still persist. Wait for him to stay steady and consistant b4 u open ur heart to the possibility of u n him again. Otherwise u will feel you put energy into him instead of ur baby n feel foolish for falling for him again.

[deleted account]

Wow, similar story here I won't go into details because they're all pretty much written by you ladies. It's comforting to know I'm not alone but holy, it's kind of sad at the same time too. Thank you everybody for this thread very inspiring! Best of luck to all of us :) Single moms unite boo yeah!

Marta - posted on 02/24/2009

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im going thru the same thing but my daughters father wont call her or see her and i gont even have a number that i could reach him on. you will just have to wait and see what happens. im a single mom and i love it

Laura - posted on 02/24/2009

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my life got a lot easier when I left my husband and let him be the kid he wanted to be. Even though I had a 2 year old and I was 3 months pregnant it was better than being there with someone who didn't want to be. I know I made the right decision because it's 4 years later, and he's still doing the same things.

many blessings!

Crystal - posted on 02/24/2009

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He is not ready. Plain and simple. He may or may not ever be ready. Some men never are ready to be men, let alone fathers. You have to maintain your happiness for your child since children feed off our energy. You will be able to handle your child and move on when you DECIDE it time. You need to grieve, but set a firm date to stop and then dry it up and get a plan for your life and your child. A happy life. When and if he gets it together, then he can join what you have built for yourself.

Carmen - posted on 02/24/2009

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sorry but if your daughter is 2ow and you two broke up when she was 1, sorry to say he dont want to fix the family. Its hard but you have to STOP crying over a man who is not crying for you. You are pretty and need to find a man who is going to love you and your daughter. Good luck and be stronge, men come and go but family is what you make of it.

[deleted account]

It isn't easy. My babies daddy left me for another woman and it isn't the first time. He is irresponsible and not ready to be a dad or a partner You just have to know that no matter how hard it is you will find someone who will love you and your child and will be there for you. It will take time, but it gets easier. Just remember that you and your daughter deserve better.

Alison - posted on 02/12/2009

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Alicia, I'm so sorry to learn of your situation. Unfortunately, I have lived it also. And please know that if a man is immature and irresponsible, his age doesn't matter! First, I hope you are getting child support from this man, if not please go to your local domestic relations office and fill out paperwork! You can also get them to work out visitations. Sad to have to enforce a father to visit with his child but sometimes it's necessary.



Alicia please know that on the other side of what seems to be a closed door to you at the time, another door to a blessing is simply awaiting you to open it! Keep your faith in God's hands. You and your daughter will be stronger and wiser for it. And don't beat yourself up for his not wanting to have a normal relationship with his daughter, as your daughter grows older she will be able to understand that you had to be both Mother and Father/figure in her life as a substitute for the parent who could not stand up to the challenge.  Give yourself some time to heal and when you do, you will thank this man for NOT deciding to be with you romantically!!!

Sarah - posted on 02/11/2009

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u have to do everything on ur terms kassie my ex promised me and my son the world but then fell threw so my advice is relax dating is the best start take your time and see what happens but tell him that the first time he screws up he's gone. but u have to stick to it otherwise he will walk all over u. good luck and i hope everything works out

Kassie - posted on 02/10/2009

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i am going through a very rough situation myself..my sons father and i spilt up when my son was a year old, hes 18 months now..we had alot of issues in our relationship and cheating is just one of them. but now he wants to work things out and be back in our lives, just when i finally got over him. i dont know what to do. i love this man with all my heart and all i want is our family back together, but i dont know how to get over our issues. he tells me he has changed and will do whatever it takes to prove it, and i suggested just having a casual dating relationship again, but how do you do that when you were together for 2 years and have a child together. im so confused about everything. i do know that i want him in our lives but i dont know to what extent, because i cant go through the hurt he put me through again. any thoughts?

Alicia - posted on 02/10/2009

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Thanks ladies. I have realized that there are more important things in my life then worrying about him. I am going to school for Elementary Education and spending time with my daughter. I am happy that she is with me each and every day. When she is with him I cry for her. Anyways.. I am glad everyone has overcome this. This is very hard to deal with. But like I said it is getting easier.

Erin - posted on 02/10/2009

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My ex left me when I was six months pregnant and it was truly hard for me to get over him. After I finally quit talking to him, I am now officially over him. My daughter is 6. You have to find something to occupy your time, whether it be playing with your daughter or talking to friends. You can't keep believing him and trying to work it out. Give it some time and if he can eventually prove to you that he is ready then try to work on it. By then you never know where you may be.

Sarah - posted on 02/10/2009

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if u ever need advice feel free to send me a message even now i hurt because of what my sons dad has done and i every now and then i think should i get in contact but then remember the saying anyone can be a father but it takes a real man to be a dad (i think thats the right way round) hope everything works out for u just remember u and ur daughter come first x

Alicia - posted on 02/10/2009

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thank you Pam, Sarah, and Hannah. I hope everything works out in your families as well. I still hurt alittle because of my daughter's father but it is getting easier.

Hannah - posted on 02/10/2009

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hey...totally can sympathise with your probelm..i think its good your so positive even if hardat times.you have the best side of things..xx

Sarah - posted on 02/09/2009

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me and my sons dad split a couple of years ago so james was the result of stupid night. his dad caused me alot of stress through the pregnancy but i was determined for him to be a dad but after nearly 9 months of him picking and choosing when he saw our son and claiming he's to busy and not paying anything i gave up. the final nail in the coffin was when he turned up on xmas eve to give james his presents with his new girlfriend and her son also called james. i've lost my family now because i kept giving him chances. 2 days before new years eve i told him he couldn't see our son anymore and he hasn't been in contact in anyway shape or form. now me and my son r happy and all i can think is his lose

Pam - posted on 02/08/2009

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shot him lol just kidding only if haha i was going through the same thing off and on for about 2 years now since my baby girl then we tryed to work things out we have leslie now lol s.m.r.t hey oh well now we have both together he visits them every friday now sicne he turned one its hard feels like your a couple when they cry over lil things act childish i just talked to him and now me and him are fighting for custody for both kids its a hard situation i just take all the visits he asks for with them and eventually he'll love the kids like i do

Stacey - posted on 11/23/2008

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Wow everyone. Thank you for this thread. I am going thru a very similar situation to Alicia but my son is 2 months! I have had problems with his dad for a long time now and he is not willing to change. He is immature and cannot take responsibility for his actions. The lies and sadness gets me down. And i dont want that for my son. I want my son to grow up in a loving family where he will learn how to properly treat a woman. Its a tough decision and I am glad to know I am not alone. Thanks again. :)

Angela - posted on 11/23/2008

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i split for my sons father when pregnant due to him cheating on me,my son is almost 8 now and his father was messing with his head because he would not bother with him for months at a time and then decide he wanted to see him and my son was getting very confused.After years of trying to get him to be there for his son i gave up trying,I told him that when my son is 16 he can go looking for his father if he wants to but i wont have him coming and going as and when he feels like it,my son is not a toy he can put back in its box when he is board with him.
my ex would also tell my son lies by saying he was coming to see him and not turn up or he would say he would get him the toy he wanted and it would never appear so now my 7 year old sees his father as a lier,and its by his own actions.

Alicia - posted on 11/22/2008

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Thank you everyone for you kind words.We are going to sit down today and talk when he gets back. I am going to keep all of your words in my head. You are all wonderful women and I thank you for your support.



Alicia

Bobbie - posted on 11/22/2008

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Lauren your words are very encouraging! Alicia you can do it. Just tell yourself that you dont need him. He has already given you the best part of him.. He cant give you anything better than a child. Are you both trying to work things out or is it just you? Think about that...



My babies father and I broke up when I was still pregnant. We wasnt really together long just long enough for me to get pregnant. He has yet to see my son and doesnt have a want to see him. I miss him and the way things were b4 I found out I was prego, but I wouldnt give my son up to get it all back.



Just look at your lil girl as the blessing she is. Tell him to grow up and be a man. Anyone can be a FATHER but it takes someone special to be a DADDY!!

Lauren - posted on 11/22/2008

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You need to understand that you have changed, you have become a mother and life is different now. You are committed to your daughter 100% that will never change. THe time and energy you are putting in to working things out with someone who has not reached the maturity level and is NOT willing to take on the responsibilities of being a parent IS A WASTE OF YOUR TIME AND ENERGY. It is time to take a deep breath and consider the bigger picture. Are you going to be happy with the man that he is, is the relationship that you two have, if you try to work things out and get back together, the relationship that will support and nurture your daughters growth and development as a young woman. There is no reason to think that staying with him for your daughter is the answer. If he wants to be a father let him be, you do not need to move unless his immaturity is preventing you from living a healthy and safe life with your daughter. It will be better for your daughter to see you both happy as seperates than you both angry sad and disappointed all the time. Create a positive environment for yourself and your daughter will feed off that. It is your duty as a mother to be the stronger parent and step up to the plate. Don't talk to him, if he won't talk to you, pick yourself up, look at your daughter and remember that you need to make the decisions for you and your daughter. You can do it all. The strength lies behind the hurt, under the pain of having to let go of something that you wanted to work out, believe i wanted a happy little family, i prayed for him to change and grow up, it didn't happen and there is only so much of us that they can take before we either break down and leave, or stay and be miserable for the rest of your life. You need to find yourself now and let your daughter experience the stronger and proud you. You are a mother of a wonderful and beautiful daughter, WOW THAT IS AMAZING!!

Renee - posted on 11/22/2008

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My ex-husband and I separated when my daughter was just under 6 months old. Our divorce was final about 3 weeks before her 1st birthday. She was the reason it was so hard to decide to end the marriage and the reason that I decided that I had to. For me, it was the realization that he was who he was and wasn't willing to change the things that she and I needed him to change in order to be a happy family.

Nickie - posted on 11/22/2008

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All you can do is take care of you and your daughter. I have an 8 yr old son, I left his father because he was cheating and not willing to work or take care of our son. It was really hard for me to walk away from him because he was my first. But I had a lot of support from my friends and family. He sees my son when he feels like it. He calls when he has the time to call.He can go months with out calling him. And gets mad at me when he gets in trouble for not paying child support. In time you will find someone who will love you and your daughter the way you deserve to be loved. I did and it took 2 yrs of taking care of me and my son. Take it one day at a time and enjoy watching your daughter grow. She'll be a stronger person because she sees that her mommy is a strong woman. When you feel comfortable let him see her. She will see her father for who he is on her own. Kids are smarter than we think. Just remember Deep Breaths and it takes one day at a time.

Alicia - posted on 11/22/2008

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Thank You Fran Pav. It is really hard though because I can't move away. I don't want her to be completely away from him. I was without my father and I never want that for my daughter. Thank you for the advice. Hope all is well now.

Fran - posted on 11/22/2008

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I left my daughter's father when she was 8 mos. old due to similar and more severe problems between him and I. I was fortunate to have last minute opportunity to live in another state and grabbed it. Within a few hours, my 8 mos. old daughter and I were "secretly" relocated. You just have to have the will and courage to do it and all will work out just fine!

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