How to deal with an ex..

Erika - posted on 02/17/2009 ( 11 moms have responded )

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i have been separated from my ex ever since my baby was a month and a half, due to the fights in the relationship getting physical. Now, all it seems is that everything he does is to hurt me, and to me it doesn't seem like he cares about my baby boy, Drevyn at all, he is only doing these things to hurt me. he took me to court, where i was awarded primary custody, with him getting visitation every second weekend, and he has to pay me child support every month, and pass a drug test. he will not talk to me reasonably, not in person or over the phone. i have tried everything from kissing his ass to being a complete bitch. we had gone for a 3d ultrasound, and got a dvd of it along with a disk with 104 still pictures. i have offered to pat him for these, but he still wont budge on giving them back. any advice on how to get him to deal with me, at the same time being respected? or people that have gone thru dealing with an ex like this?

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Alice - posted on 02/17/2009

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It sounds like you have big trouble with this guy. The only way to diffuse someone like this is to be calm no matter what. My husband was like this for a long time. I spoke calmly, if he did not I ended conversation. He may actually be lashing out at you to hurt you. So if he thinks hes succeding, he will continue. You need to be strong enough not to allow him to do this in any form. He cannot fight with himself and he does have to deal with you for his son. So you tell him this" I no longer wish to participate in this kind of behavior with you" and dont. Otherwise you will be upset alot. Some men do this to assert power! Take that away and he has to deal with you on your level. When he says hurtful things, hang up, leave, whatever you need to do. I can be almost positive he will stop once he realizes you are not going to participate and they you are not going to let him hurt you anymore. My heart goes out to you, good luck!

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Lily - posted on 02/23/2009

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Hmnnn, this sounds very familiar. At the end of the day I have found that it is all about control. My ex was very much the same way, well he still is but I have learned how to deal with him better to avoid retaliation.



You can't expect him to respect you. Once you have accepted that he is the way he is and there is nothing you can do about it things start to get easier. Always let him dig his own hole if he is being vendictive and go about your business taking care of your child. It will bite him in the butt eventually. Most times not as soon as you'd like but it will happen.



My ex also kept the 3D ultrasound that was my birthday present from him to me. Go figure. Biting your tongue when he pushes your buttons, differentiating what is in your childs BEST interest as opposed to what you WANT, realizing that his actions even though against you have nothing to do with you. And yes as Alice said, don't tolerate being disrespected, you can leave, hang up, explain that your not interested in fighting etc.





Good luck.

Alba - posted on 02/22/2009

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lol..sry apperantly i got carried away and just noticed all da mistakes in my writing. i hope u can understand wat i ment.

Alba - posted on 02/22/2009

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OMG gurl im going through the SAME exact problem....my baby dads wat abuse RITE after i had my daughter, i had to put a restraining order on him. He took ME to court fo custody, visitation and child support, in which his lost his on case. He pays child support wit no custody or legal rights. A year later he wanted to be back in his daughter's life in which (da same as u) i wanted to be da bigger person n allow him to see her. He comes n goes, n luvs to take me to court every single time he can.

We can not deal wit each other, ive tried EVERYTHING...from kissing his ass, being a bitch too, to even working things out wit his dumb gurlfriend so we can all get along. Ive done dis for 2 yrs now and im sick of it. All i can see is dat if he really wants to be dea den BE THERE! im sick of being MS NICE. dis is wat im doing now, i do everything by da courts. If he F*CKs up, i document it n wen we return to court i present it, u wanna change anything, file fo a medeator meeting at court. Dont make it easy on him anymore, u tried and he still cant digg it...also keep in mind all da argument if gonna affect ur child later down da road. so enough wit being nice gurl, he was good to u wen u guys were together or even now so dont so it fo him....im sry i guess im being a lil mean but im just sick of it..lol

need any more help let me kno!! good luck

Samantha - posted on 02/21/2009

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hunni i so like dat with baby dad he hint allowed ot talk to me coz he got new gf ever since she came in to the picture me and my ex has been fighting klike cat nd dog and i hate it coz i still love him :(

User - posted on 02/19/2009

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I was in a ver similar situation. He is doing it to get to you. Try an ignore him. My ex would do the same thing. he knew what buttons to push and would push them. he eventually stoped because i acted as though what he said or did didnt matter. Dont let him control your life or your childs life. He will stop when he realizes he has no power over you anymore. And always remember to not talk bad about him in front of your child tho. I have never done that in front of my son no matter how ticked off i might get at his daddy.

Amy - posted on 02/18/2009

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its a game !!!!! forget about it for a while ( i know it means a lot) but what he wants is to have something that you want as you have the child.



Just stay consistant and professional and write everything he does down, and in the end you will get all of the stuff back and look like the better person

Tatinya - posted on 02/18/2009

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This is all really good advice.  It is hard, but you must be the better person.  Always be calm.  Do not talk bad about your child's Dad.  Children see more than we think.  Your son will make his own decision about his Dad.  If he feels that his loyalty is torn between his paretns it will just make things worse.  He will want to defend both of his parents.  If he knows that you love him and want to foster his relationship with his Dad, he will remember that when his Dad is being a jerk.  It is very hard.  A fine line.  I have been through this.  My daughter is 10 now.  I fought for custody for 4 1/2 years.  Just hang in there hun.  It will get better.  Just be patient.  Have faith and love and protect your son!!  Blessings, Tate



 



 

Michelle - posted on 02/18/2009

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wow and i thort mine was bad! my daughter has just turned 3 yesterday and up until about a year ago me n her dad got on well, the reason for this was that he was in prison and i didnt see him ever! he went to prison wen she was 6months old, we werent in a relationship but we got on ok. since he got out last year hes been takin the mick, expecting me to let him hav her on the last minute and drop all my plans. he expected tohav her for christmas cos it was his first with her! as if! if he wasnt a prick then he wud of been ther at her christmas's wudnt he! well he rang me up threatenin me the day b4 her birthday sayin he wud get her taken off me, which is bull cos he wudnt get custody no way! i wish id never met the git, even tho that means kayla wudnt be as she is now, but she gets her looks from me so that dusnt matter lol...anyway if i won the lottory 2moro id go live in australia with my family over ther, and thers nout he can do about it cos he wudnt no til the day he decides he feels like havin her and realises my fone is out of use! he dusnt pay me any money, i buy everythin with my benifit money which is not much...hopefully money wil get better in sept wen she goes nursery il get a job...i wish u all luck with your problems and remember u aint the only one! just wish i'd of said no to him at the very start! :(

Lisa - posted on 02/17/2009

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Hi,



It souns like we have similar problems with our ex's.  The onl thing I can suggest and what people have told me is that you have to be the better person no matter what.  This is very hard when sometimes you just want to kill them, but apparently it will pay off in the end, that I am still waiting to see.  But however, I am interested in how you got primary custody I am trying to get it as we have 50/50 custody, which I thought would be best for our son but it is proving me wrong.  If you could tell me how you got it I would appreciate it.  All the best with dealing with the ex!!!

Michelle - posted on 02/17/2009

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The only thing that can be said is that time will be the only thing that will make the situation better.  My ex and I had the worst time!  To make a long story short: The Sherrif in the family court room had to stand between us with handcuffs ready for either of us, we had to have a common area arranged for pick up and drop offs, he's not allowed to leave his car and I'm not allowed to leave the house of the pick up/drop off place.  This all happened about two years ago.  The best thing for you to do is to love your child or children and NEVER down talk their dad because they love him and there is nothing you can nor should do.  My ex was so many levels worse than just being a jerk and to this day, we haven't spoken to each other.  It's not the best plan but it has worked. I do want to wish you luck and hope that you find peace within yourself because that is most important. 

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