i need help

Evanna - posted on 03/05/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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i am a single mum 2 a 4 yr. old girl. i have being on my own since the start.my daughter has recently being asking me can she see her father.the thing is i dont know where he is and i dont know what 2 say 2 her.any suggestions?????????/

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Annmarie - posted on 03/06/2009

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tell her the truth that u dnt no where her daddy is livin my daughter asked me the same and she is 5 i told her that and she turned to me and told me that when i no can i let her no

Gayla - posted on 03/06/2009

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Hello!  I was a single mom for 8 years and had to deal with a father not wanting to see his son.  I gave my son hope by telling him of God's promise in the Bible to be a Father to the Fatherless.  In your daughter's case, simply tell her also that you are not sure where he is and that until you do know and he comes around, our heavenly Father loves her and will never leave her!  What hope that will give her!  My son is now 14 and his dad is reaching out to him after 8 years of silence.  God is good!   :)

Elizabeth - posted on 03/06/2009

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thi a is a hard one, my boys are 4 and 2, the relationship with there dad was up and down, i loved him so much and still do even thou hes put me thourgh hell and back, he left over a year ago, and then come back, i fall preganant again and he has since gone again, he turned up in nov and tryed to take the older one, who told his daddy he never wanted to see him again, because he upsets mummy. i tried to arrange contact with their dad via a contact centre beliving its best for them to stay in contact with dad. but dad only wanted to take them out to his new family home. so he ignored all requests for contact at the centre, our little girl is due in 6 weeks time and he had all ready said he wants nothing to do with her, i know my older child doesnt want to see his daddy any more but the 2 year old and the new one wont understand and im dreading the day she asks y does daddy not see me. they still see his family and sometime it upsets my 4year old cos he knows its daddy's family. he asks them y daddy is horrible now.. they tell him that daddy loves them but is busy. i dont bleive in lying to them and never tell them daddy does love them because if he did he would want to see them, , it breaks my heart that he can be like this and not want to see his own children. but there is nothing i can do, but reasure my children they get all the love and attention they need. and that is all we can do..so just be honest with your dughter and when shes older it will be up to her if she wants to find him, just like mine, good luck

Vanessa - posted on 03/06/2009

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I have faith that one day I will meet the 'man of my dreams', get married and maybe even have more kids. I'd like that to happen before my child's old enough to ask serious questions about his or her father (though not too soon, I'm not due for another 7 weeks, and if I'm going to be a single mum then I want to do it for a while, to know and fully love my child first before trying to bring someone else into the picture), and if it does my wee speech in my head goes something like "your father was my friend and he was the right guy to give me you, but not the right guy to be your daddy. But we have (my husband) who is just the right man to be your daddy and he really does love you!" or something cheesy like that, but appropriate to whatever age. If I'm still single then I guess it'll end with something like "One day we might find the right man to be your daddy but for now it's you and me and Grandma and Grandy and that's enough for us."



As my child gets older I'm sure he or she will want more details, and I do have a few photos etc I could bring out. I've told my friend I'd never lie to my child, and he's agrees that lying is never good so I imagine one day (maybe 18 or older) I'll give full details so if my child chooses to get in touch then they can. How he'll respond I'm not sure, but I hope my child will feel loved enough that if he doesn't want to be in my child's life still then my child will get through it ok.



I have a friend who never knew her father, and her mum told her when she was 16 she'd tell her. Then the father got back in touch a few years before that, so it was a bit messy but it seemed to be ok. Until my friend was 21 and her mum was moving overseas to marry her high school sweetheart and confessed to my friend that the man she thought was her father wasn't actually hers, just her little sister's father. I don't know if my friend ever found out the whole truth, she won't talk about it, but I wonder if that's the reason there's a small barrier between her and her mum. I think it's ok to hold back some details depending on age and situation, but never to lie. The truth always comes out, and it's mostly the deception that hurts not the actual facts. Good luck!

Amanda - posted on 03/05/2009

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I can so join you on this I am a single mother as well and my son is soon to be four and I am so scared at what to tell him because I want to tell him the truth but I dont. I am no too sure if that makes sense or not. We are in a situation that I have gone all the way all by myself he wanted nothing to do from the start and as it was he wasent in a good situation that i really wanted to bring a child into. So my family and parents have been my biggest supporter. But I am in the same bout I am not to sure what to tell him sometimes I think its right to tell him that "looking after you or any kid is a big responsobilty and sometimes people meaning mommies or daddy's get scared they dont think that they can care for you the right way but it doesnt mean that they dont care or love you ,it just mean they are not  ready to be a part of the big resposility that sometimes children can be"   I dont know if thats right I think i come up with something new everyday.

Alice - posted on 03/05/2009

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Sounds like you've had a rough go! My advice, do what you think is best. She's very young, simple explanations are best. One thing you could say ' You and Mommy are a family' , "he chose to not be in our family" another. The most important thing, no matter what, is to make sure she does not feel less valued becuse of this individual who obviously doesnt care. I dont know what your situation is but I grew up away from my mom and always felt that I had done something wrong, thats hard! I think as long as she feels your love and you tell her that his absense has nothing to do with her, whatever you tell her will be fine.  Do you have a picture of him? Maybe just knowing what he looks like might be ok for now.  Children are curious and once you give her a simple answer she may be satisfied for awhile. This must be very hard for you! good luck, let me know how it goes...

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