I NEED truthful advice: Air Force, Abortion, sooo many Question

Whitney - posted on 11/11/2013 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I recently found out that I was pregnant by a guy that I was casually dating. I didn't even know I was pregnant until I was about 3 months (with the birth control I was on I only had 3 periods a year). When I told him he was shocked, we both agreed that I should get an abortion. He never told me but his crazy other son's Mom said "That he thinks I got pregnant on purpose and that I really wasn't on birth control" which I really was. I really thought that I wanted to get an abortion since I was never with this guy and we hadn't talked in a while it seemed dumb to keep a baby with him. He also has another son with a crazy girl. After I went to my first appointment (by myself) and hearing and seeing my baby I knew I couldn't go through with the abortion, so I cancelled my abortion appointment. The day of my abortion he text me what was going on and when he could pay for it. I didn't respond to his text until a few days later. I work a full-time job and a part-time job and was EXTREMELY busy during those past few days. When I did respond I told him that I was sorry but I couldn't go through with the abortion and I didn't know what else to say. I still haven't heard back from him yet. I do know that he's blocked me from Facebook. He's in the air force and I know that he will be deploying soon for a year.

I guess my question is "Should I try and talk to him again"?? I know he wants nothing to do with this baby. I don't know because I haven't tried to call or text him but I'm pretty sure might have blocked my number.

Should I just wait until my son is born then try and make contact with him? I want him to know that I in NO WAY want to rekindle anything we had before I just would like for him to maybe see his son every once in while and more IMPORTANTLY pay for his son. I know that getting child support through the court system with a Air Force guy won't be that difficult (not easy either), but I wish that we could just work it out with out going through all that.
I just would like to have a conversation with him, so that we can try to put a game plan together. Do you think that I should try and get in contact with him again/
If you can please give me some honest truthful advice.

11 Comments

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Whitney - posted on 11/22/2013

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I just I didn't make myself very clear. If my son ( just found out yesterday it's a boy) father wants to be in his life then GREAT! I'm happy.
He's a great father to his other soon, but I'm not holding my breathe that he will be to my son. He also lives in a different city ( once he comes back from deployment) then I do.
I'm not going to put him on the birth certificate, but if he decided that he wants to be on there I'm okay with that. I highly doubt he will want full custody of my son. He and his other sons Mom have never been to court and she is CRAZY always threatening to take his son away if he doesn't do what she wants or give her money. I would never do that I just want a fixed amount of child support, not even an ridiculous amount to help out.
I have a feeling it's going to have to go to court. I've reached out to him once asking that we speak to eachother but I got no response from him ( I'm pretty sure he blocked my phone number), . So my only solution is to go to court if he will not speak to me. I will say that he did admit that he did do this same thing to his his other child's Mom at first then warmed up to her, now I actually believe they are dating. I know they are at least on speaking terms and " hooking up" with eachother.
It's funny beacause he had his son with her on a one nightstand. Me and him actually casually dated for months. He would always say how much he hates her. I guess I should have seen the warning signs then. For now I'm just going to focus on getting me and son in a good postion. I'm just going to keep praying and working hard, and have faith that God will let everything fall into place.

Kristi - posted on 11/22/2013

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Lisa, Fortunately, everything turned out well. Dad backed out early in my son's life. My son's grandma and I learned to respect and eventually love one another. My son is now 20 years old and he decided to move with us to New Orleans....he's going to Tulane University on a full scholarship. His grandma is one of my closest friends now. I got married last weekend and my son's grandma was by my side.

Yes....when my son was young, his grandmother was supportive of my relationship with my son.....she ensured that he knew who his mom was and that we always had a great relationship.

Everything turned out for the best! Except my son's father still has nothing to do with him. But that's his choice.

Kristi - posted on 11/22/2013

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Leela, How fortunate your child is that his parents have been able to work together and co-parent! I know it can be difficult sometimes, but it sounds like your child has a good dad and will benefit from parents who are able to work together.

Kristi - posted on 11/22/2013

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Whitney, I hope you are correct about the county you live in in Arizona as being "pro-mother." I am currently working with many moms from Arizona who are being dragged through the courts and tortured. I am working with several moms from Arizona who aren't even allowed to see their children....and these moms did nothing wrong.

Please don't mistake the number of single moms you see as an indication of your state being pro-mother....in most of those cases, I can pretty much guarantee that the father voluntarily stepped out of the picture. If custody is brought in front of a judge to decide, most judges will side with the father. That's just the way it is.

I admire you for realizing that your child needs 2 parents....and I agree....children need 2 GOOD parents who can work together and co-parent. However, children suffer greatly when their parents are in constant conflict.

I also looked up a few laws in Arizona....unfortunately, filing for child support can often be the catapult that encourages even uninvolved fathers to file for custody. Remember: if the father is on the birth certificate, or at any time, decides to "sue for his rights,' he can file for custody. I can't tell you how many moms I have worked with where the dads walked away and were never a part of the child's life.....then the dad gets a new girlfriend or their mom decides to "help" and the dad decides to go after custody of the child. The moms are understandably hesitant, as the child doesn't even know the father....but if he chooses to assert his rights, the courts will back him up. If you refuse, then you will be blamed for interfering with the father/child relationship. If there is one way to lose custody, this is it. Most of these fathers will then claim that the reason they haven't had a relationship with the child is because YOU told him he couldn't....it doesn't seem to matter if you have mountains of evidence to the contrary.....courts generally consider men to be more "reliable" and thus, believable (although it has also been scientifically proven that men lie MUCH more in court that women do....about 10 times more).

You might get lucky....this guy may have no interest in having custody of this child....it sounds like he already backed out of parenting his other child. But, as I said, as the father "grows up" and his life circumstances change, he may decide that he wants to assert his rights as a father.....you will then have to live in fear during your child's first 18 years, wondering if daddy wants to step in and take over.

Arizona is also in the process of passing some laws that you may want to consider: the main one is, if you want (or need) to move more than 2 miles away from your current address, you will first have to ask the father's "permission" and give him a minimum of 60-90 days notice. Even if the father has had NO roll in the child's life, he can still file an objection to your relocation.....then, you generally get 2 choices: A.) You can't move or B.) You can move, but the child cannot and the father will then get custody.

I realize that all of this sounds absolutely crazy and out of sync with everything you have been led to believe. It goes against common sense. I wouldn't believe it myself unless I had personally gone through it, and worked with other moms who have experienced very similar situations.

Ultimately, the choice is yours. In a perfect world, the father and you will both love and adore the child.....you will be friends and work together to raise your child. You will work out the financial issues without walking into a court room, so that things are fair and equitable. I hope that this is what happens.

However, it sounds like you don't know this guy very well, and you should still prepare yourself for the worst, then hope for the best.

Leela - posted on 11/20/2013

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Btw I went through the same thing. After our child was born he did decide he wanted to be there. Hasn't always been easy but our child knows his father and the have a great relationship. That's all I wanted.

Whitney - posted on 11/20/2013

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Thank you! I appreciate that comment more then you know. That's what I'm going to do, if he decides not to speak to me. Then once my son is born I'm going to let the court decide.

Leela - posted on 11/20/2013

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Hi, I'm sorry you're going through this. My suggestion: focus on you. This is an important time in both your life and your baby's. Focus on being happy and healthy. He knows you are pregnant and if he wants to be part of it he will contact you when he's ready.After you have the baby let him know- boy, girl etc. Do not let yourself be drawn into the drama either before of after baby is born.

Lisa - posted on 11/20/2013

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Wow! That is so crazy! I feel so bad for you.Did the grandmother let your son visit you regularly when he was younger?After reading this,I am kind of happy that my son's father is not involved at all.I would hate to have to ever fight him in court for custody of my son.I'll make sure that I don't ever even date a military man in the future.It is stupid that the grandmother agreed to spend her own money to raise her son's child,while he did nothing for him,and while you wanted to raise your child.

Lisa - posted on 11/20/2013

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Well I hope you know enough about him,so that you can get child support after you have that baby.I am a single mom,and have been for three years.My son's father deleted his facebook account after I contacted him there multiple times and changed his number.His family is not involved in my son's life either.I got so depressed after he did that,because I now have to struggle to take care of his child,while he gets to go to the club,drink and spend most of his money on himself.He does pay child support,but he's not ordered to pay much,and he wasn't ordered to pay for daycare either. I haven't seen him or talked to him in years.I did try to many times and I did reach him,but he always made excuses as to why he "couldn't" see my son until one day when he said he would come and meet him for the first time,and he didn't even show up.That felt like one of the worst days of my life,because that was the point when I realized that my son's father would never meet my son.So,the best advice I will give you is to talk to a therapist or do something when you start to get depressed.I say when,because most likely you will at least get post partum depression,which could last a long time.Next,don't worry about your child's father,because he won't be worrying about you.You just need to focus on you and that baby.If the father is not around during your pregnancy,he most likely won't suddenly change after you have the baby.Please don't be like me and keep calling him,texting him etc,expecting him to change.I wish I could get back all the time and energy I spent trying to get my ex to be apart of my son's life.Maybe you should consider adoption.If you don't want to do that,just know that you will have a long hard road ahead of you.The good news though is that maybe you will someday meet a good man who will accept your child as his own.Just pray!

Whitney - posted on 11/11/2013

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Thank you I'll keep that in mind. I'm not forcing the issue of him being in his sons life, just that he helps me pay for him.
With his other son's mom he didn't go to court and he doesn't want custody, so I'm hoping we can do the same thing.

As a child of divorce parents I know that in Arizona they are partial to mother.

Kristi - posted on 11/11/2013

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I got pregnant about 21 years ago, from a military man, under very similar circumstances. We were casually dating and I got pregnant. I was 19 years old, he was 20. He didn't want the baby and tried to talk me into abortion. I told him that I was going to have the baby and raise him, and he didn't have to be involved if he didn't want to.

Big mistake on my part. Looking back, I should've told him I had an abortion or the child wasn't his. After I had my son, I tried to "talk" to the father, because I wanted to give him the chance to "know his son."

Well, to make a long story short, his father and his family decided that they wanted my son. Little did I know, the US government gives billions of dollars every year to Health and Human Services "Responsible Fatherhood Programs" that pay for lawyers and other "professionals" to wrest custody away from the mother, gift wrapping the child and handing it to the father....even if the father didn't want the baby, is abusive, an ex-prisoner, whatever.

And there are NO comparable programs for mothers. If you want to fight for custody of your child, you will have to sort through thousands of attorneys and hope that you find the one in 200 that is even remotely competent. They will then insist on a "retainer fee" up front....not uncommon for that "fee" to be $10,000-$100,000. Then you pay the lawyer hourly.....typically $250-500 an hour.

My son's father simply out-lawyered me, because he was receiving free legal services and I was a single mom, working as an LPN, receiving no child support. Oh yeah.....child support? Forget about that. Unless you collect welfare, the courts will direct you to those very expensive attorneys in order to get child support. Even if he's in the military, again, good luck collecting it.

The day before court, my "lawyer" told me I needed to pay up $20,000 or he was dropping me as a client. I didn't have $20,000, so I went to court unrepresented. I got chewed up and spit out. My son's dad got custody and almost immediately handed my son over to his mom to raise. His dad dropped out of the picture.

Thankfully, my son's grandma ended up realizing that her son was in the wrong and I was terribly wronged. After my son turned 18, he moved back with me and he's now attending college 20 miles from my home.

After my son, I remarried and had 2 more kids. When we split up (after 12 years of marriage), the same thing happened, only much, much worse.

I've talked to probably thousands of moms who have gone through the same things. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise: Custody courts in the US are NOT partial to mothers. This is absolutely false. If he decides to challenge you for custody, anytime in the child's 18 years, he has a 90% chance of getting it.....the 10% of moms who do win have pretty much been bankrupted in the process.

Sure, there are many more single moms than dads, but the numbers of single dads are growing. In most of the cases where the mom has custody, custody was NOT decided by the courts or by a judge....either the father just took off or the parents agreed to this type of situation.

Do what you feel is best....in an ideal world, children have the full love and support of both parents. However, our world is far from ideal.

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