Is it ok to have male visitors when the kids are home?

Jennifer - posted on 10/02/2012 ( 43 moms have responded )

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I have 2 daughters, 15 and 16. Father not in the picture at all, and i work 40 hrs a week. So i havent had time to find Mr Right, but i still have needs. Once my kids started going to school, i never had male visitors unless the girls were gone for the night, or were at school. Since they have been teens, my only time to have sex is still when they are at school (thats kinda hard with work) or when they go somewhere, which happens 1-3 times a month usually. Or i have to go somewhere else, and i dont like to leave the girls on there own too long. I made a post a few days ago on another community that the girls finally caught me, and it was a scene i would not have chosen them to see. So anyways now that the cats out of the bag, is it ok to have a guy sleep over?

Note that i probably won't be in a "relationship" with any of the guys, but neither will they be strangers. And nor would i have male company everynight

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S. - posted on 10/03/2012

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Hi Jennifer, i actually did read you other post but didn't respond because i had no idea what to say to you! Apart from cringe lol bless you, am interested how that panned out thou?

I wouldn't openly have men sleeping over that you aren't in a relationship with for the simple fact that there at a very impressionable age and I guess you want them to sleep with a guy out of love ect, I am no way judging you by that comment my husband started out as my "f**k buddy" a bit of no strings fun but I'd hate for my kids to think at a young age that's what ppl do. Very double standards i know but as mothers we don't won't our kids doing what we've done do we.

I used to sneak my "friend" out before they woke up, infact my daughter never met him till it turned into more, she was 7 then a lot easier to do then with teenagers.

I'd leave them for a few hours tell them your going on a date or something, they probably know what your doing but they don't NEED to know what your doing. I think in a few more years time I'd relaxe more.

Maria - posted on 10/09/2012

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My suggestion ... if you don't want your daughters bringing home men for that purpose later on when they are allowed, then don't do it yourself. You should make arrangements for the girls to go to their friends or families for sleepovers when you want privacy to make adult choices. If you are ok with your girls doing the same down the line then it's ok. Just think about the consequences. If you can handle them, then move forward. If you can't then another strategy may be called for. Hope that helps with your final decision.

Jennifer - posted on 10/06/2012

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Sarah - even if she had had a divorce, I don't think that sets the morals low for a child. I sure don't think my son will have lower morals simply because his father is an ass.

Jennifer - posted on 10/06/2012

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your girls are well old enough to understand this and I think you would have done better talking with them about it long before now. if it was a relationship, then I would say not to worry about it. as its not a relationship - I don't think it would be the best idea. its not really what most would want as an example for them, especially at their ages

Vicki - posted on 10/03/2012

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I get that you still have needs as a women but in my opinion i wouldnt have these men sleep over due to it not being a real relationship, Now that the cats outta the bag i think your girls still shouldnt have to be subjected to it. I get that they dont go out much but i would still continue to do this when there not around, or maybe go to their houses?

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Tiffany - posted on 11/13/2012

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The fact that you aren't in a relationship w any of them is why I would keep it completely under wraps. I have 2 daughters, 14 n 11, and a 7 week old son. His dad is the only guy around any of my kids n has been that way for the last yr n a half. I am not judging you by any means but for the girls' sake, keep Momma's private life just that--private.

Tiffany - posted on 11/13/2012

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Sarah the very first thing it says on here is not to judge, keep it nice. I am a child of divorced parents and my morals are very much intact. How dare you pass judgment on someone's parenting simply because they aren't w the father/mother...ahem this is the SINGLE parents forum so what are you doing here if you are so morally perfect? May God have mercy on you for trying to (and failing to) do His job!

Suzanne - posted on 11/13/2012

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No sleep overs. Your girls are still way too impressionable even though they might say its no big deal, it is having an effect on them emotionally.

Veronica - posted on 10/23/2012

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I'm affraid it is wrong to have men sleepover, if you dint have a relationship with them. At your age u decide what and how to do, but they are too young and might take your behavios as a model. Kids tend to copy their parents. And another thing that would scare me - you never know what's in the head of the man you...sleep with...and...that might be seriously dangerous for your girls.

Jazmine - posted on 10/19/2012

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Morning, I think that children can handle more than we think. I think that it is okay to have nale company come to your house, but your girls should never see them enter your bedroom or wake up with you in the morning. You want them to know that it is okay to have male friends, but you don't have to sleep with them. As far as mommy time, perhaps you should go to their home after the kids r sleep or while they are out doing teenage stuff.

Jennifer - posted on 10/16/2012

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Thank you Kristen, i accept your apology. so if i erase a few lines here and there, i thank you for your opinions, they were good. And i suppose i am sexually promiscuous, never denied that, but it works for me.

Kristin - posted on 10/16/2012

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Nope you are right not all men are rapists, i am just by nature a person who does not trust easily and that is my issue. I do apologize for some of my comments. So to end this as long as you are happy than thats all that matters.

Jennifer - posted on 10/16/2012

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Kristen i'm glad to hear that your happy with having 3 partners, thats your choice and its good that your happy with it. But just because my number is bigger than yours it does not mean that i do not respect myself or care about my family. I simply enjoy sex, and i'm an adult, i think thats a hobby i'm entitled to have.

And you act as though my choices are going to indefinitely lead to my daughters being raped, and i have repeatedly stated that my daughters have never been home and will never be home when i bring a guy into the house. And even if i did its not like every guy out there that you dont know personally is a rapist.

Kristin - posted on 10/16/2012

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Jennifer,

I am not on a high horse at all and to me sex is an emotional experience between two loving people. As for whether or not you bring guys home when the kids are not there well that is your choice but be warned that when one rapes you or steals from you, that you have been warned. You wanted opinions i gave you mine. I am sorry that i dont share your opinion that sex equals orgasms and i am sorry that i respected myself enough to have had only 3 partners in my lifetime. I have friends who sleep around as well and all it causes is DRAMA AND HEARTACHE but that is your choice. Good luck.. PS when your daughters start sleeping around and not having commited relationships you will know they come by it honestly

Jennifer - posted on 10/16/2012

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kristen, i'm with you, its not good to bring guys home when the girls are there, when they are at school or somewhere else its a whole different story. And you can come down off that high horse whenever you want, sex means orgasms

Kristin - posted on 10/16/2012

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As I was a single mother from the age of 19 when my oldest sons father and I went out separate ways I never ever brought home a man to sleep with nor did i bring strange men into my home. I waited until i met the man i married and we got to know each other and were in a stable relationship beforer he ever even met my kid. But i guess I am just old fashioned where sex still means something

Kristin - posted on 10/16/2012

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Maria,

Raising kids is tough. I know for me the toughest job has been being a mom. No matter how many books you read and advice you get, it is still hard. Each child is different and you have to learn to relate to them and as they become teens they like to rebel and find out who they are and to me in my own experience with my 16 yr old son (yes I had him young I was 16 when he was born) i have to set a very good exaample and give him the stability love support and guidance i can. I have found that at age 16 they start to see what their parents do and figure if their parents can do it so can they. I know that for me if I was a single parent having strange men over all the time i would lose my kids respect and i would lose respect for myself as well and I wouldnt want that. I figure that if you want to have casual flings as a single mother than in the best interest of the children you should be doing it outside the home.

Princess - posted on 10/16/2012

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They are teens not saying they know how to raise themselves but they can be alone for a few hours. Get a hotel and or go to their place. You have needs and I'm quite sure you raised them nicely so I'm quite sure you can trust them for a few hours. Don't want to be caught in an uhhhhh lol compromising "Position" again sorry lol I had to lol

Maria - posted on 10/15/2012

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I agree with you Kristin, education IS the best way to resolve these kinds of issues. We have to also take into consideration that most parents are not educated in child rearing. I was one of those people that in my 20s, because I was the survivor of domestic abuse, I didn't think I was qualified to raise children. The adults who raised me certainly did most everything wrong it seems, according to today's standards! I know that they did love me though. That I think confused me more. I always thought, gosh, if you love me why are you so mean to me? Anyway, the point is, a lot of times the adults don't have proper knowledge and are not inclined to further their education. When I finally decided (at 40) I was ready for parenthood, I got all the books on parenting I could find to help teach me better communication skills, better nurturing skills, how to address different issues at different ages. I wanted information from the experts, not from my own experiences with adults who in some cases never finished grade school. That makes a big difference. Education and setting a good example. Thanks for your feed back Kristin.

Kristin - posted on 10/15/2012

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Your right sorry I will use the words sexually promiscuous Maria. I'm not stepping on anyone just think its wrong and the point if these forums is to have different opinions the world is not full of roses and happy places it can be scary and we as parents need to be the best role models for our children as we r their first line if defense in preparing them for the real world as for not comprehending I comprehend that by having casual sex with strangers leads to disease heartache and promiscuous children as well IMO sex is treated way too casual and has lost it's true meaning I know when my kids chose to have sec it will be a meaningful experience for then with someone they care about

Maria - posted on 10/15/2012

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Is it really necessary to use derogatory terms like that Jennifer? People will be more apt to heed your advice if you adhere to intelligent reasoning rather than defer to using terms like slut and whore. It's not nice either. Are you able to find kinder words in your vocabulary to address other women whom you have a difference of opinion with? I think it's great to have forums like this where women can process. I would like to see women uniting and supportive of each other, even if we disagree. It would be lovely to find a way to agree to disagree without stepping on someone else because they have different values. My experience is that women from different cultures have a different perspective. Just because we don't understand it, doesn't give us the authority to be a "thug" to someone else just because we don't agree or comprehend. Let's start making more conscious choices in how we respond to each other. Sisters come here for help. It doesn't feel right to me to see a woman use her "beliefs" as an excuse to step on someone else.

Kristin - posted on 10/15/2012

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Whatini or whatever your name is. I stand firm in my belief and my statement that those who need a different man every night are sluts and whores sorry thats what i think. Sex does not equal love and I firmly believe that two people should at least knmow each other before having sex. I also stabnd firm in my statement that it is NOT ok for a mother to bring home a strange man every night. That teaches your kids its ok to have sex with whoever and wherever you want, Furthermore, I dont believe in letting strange people into my home at all too many bad people out there who can rape murder steal or do whatever they want to you once they are in your home. So I appreciate your comment but I do not believe i am in the wrong. I am not saying not to have sex all im saying is that it is not right to bring a different guy home every night especially if you are not in a realtionship and will never have a relationship.

VALEENE - posted on 10/15/2012

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i think that if they are friends yes but if its the man in your life that a little tricky

Kristin - posted on 10/15/2012

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Yes we had sex before we were married sure but my kids were not around. I don't think it is wise for anyone to bring home strange men for a one night stand like I said by a vibrator. Bringing home strange men night after night for one night stands is not good for anyone and anything can happen. My Gf brought a guy home once and he raped her daughter so if that's what u want to happen than so be it being home all the strange guys in the world but when something bac happens you will only have yourself to blame. I believe that one Should get to know ones partner before bringing them home or if u need to have sex with random people than get a hotel room. As for you all I also worked 12 hours a day cooked cleaned and took care if my kids by the end of the day sex was the last thing on my mind. But IMO random one night stands are not for me and the safety if my children always came first for me so u never ever brought home people I didn't know

Wahtinna - posted on 10/15/2012

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I am a single mother as well and I have two girls I don't want my girls to witness different men but a woman has needs n I try to work around their schedule but like jessica said its hard andi feel that your kids are old enough to understand that u won't be single forever but do your thing just make. Sure at the end of the day your happy I honestly posted because of kristin......whoopty do your married but what right does that give you to judge her fuck off yea I said and I Can assure you that before u married him u guys were having sex and just maybe your husband is seeing a single mom and kissing her kids ..............dnt be so quick to pass judgement on someone u dnt know ............I'm glad u came to a decision jessica

Maria - posted on 10/09/2012

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Jennifer you have a great attitude. There is no need for anyone to use words like slut and whore. It's disrespectful and judgmental. Everyone has different sexual needs and rather than putting someone down because they have a different perspective, just honor their journey even if you don't understand. There are better ways to communicate a message other than eluding to character assassinations. It's all about boundaries. We can give our opinion without overstepping any boundaries. If someone is brave enough to seek counsel from this support group of loving mothers, than we should respond as loving mothers to our sisters too. If you want to have a night of intimacy with a man that will respect you and have, then do so Jennifer. Just take into account the affect and consequences it will have on your children and make the best decision, for who you are.

Jennifer - posted on 10/09/2012

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Thanks everyone who's posted since i last did, Maria, Christine, Jurnee, and especially you Faye! Thanks so much everyone :) and I don't mind hearing more opinions but my mind has already been made up, i've already decided to not have men over when the girls are home.

And your right Kristen, I am just a selfish slutty whore. i dont see why i work 40 hours a week, cook dinner, keep the house, help with their homework, and watch their volleyball games. I probably should ship the girls off to foster care or something so i can have sex with any guy who comes through my door and quit trying to pretend i have any self respect

Kathryn - posted on 10/09/2012

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I agree with Kristin. Im a single mom and i want to show my son that love should be with respect and acceptance, Im trying very hard to be a good example to him in relating to other people... especially in his future relationship. I know he is still very young. But we as mothers should know that the power and influence of the impressions we make to their young minds. Please lets be more careful with our actions... we dont want to bring up kids that cant understand love, commitment and responsibilities.

Kristin - posted on 10/09/2012

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I was a single mother for years and no strange men were in my life ever. The only man they met was the one i am married to now. But then again I had self respect and wanted to teach my kids that sex does not equal love.

Kristin - posted on 10/09/2012

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I think if you want to be a whore and a slut your children do not need to be around that at all. If you need sex so bad get a vibrator. You are only asking for trouble by bringing strange men home what if they rape your daughters or worse? Quit being a selfish slutty whore asnd be a mother,

Christine - posted on 10/09/2012

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Hi. I am also a single mom of three and when they were young I felt like I should not have guys around while they were home. If it was a serious relationship, I would have the guy around in the daytime with my kids, but I would not have him sleep over. I wanted to try to set a good example for my kids. We had to get creative and he would only spend the night if the kids were not home or I would go to his place if my children were not with me. Remember, they will be grown soon enough and then you will have time to do what you want. Hope this helps!

Kathryn - posted on 10/09/2012

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Bad idea, they are girls and they are looking up to you for a good example of how they go about future mature relationship. If you get what i mean. my advice just introduce a person that you think would last long enough to be in a relationship... if not then better find other secret places where you vent out your needs.

Faye - posted on 10/08/2012

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To help with the urges, buy a BOB (Battery Operated Boyfriend), make sure you hide it well between uses. But your teens are old enough to be left alone for a few hours of an evening.

Jurnee - posted on 10/07/2012

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I used to just say I was going out when my kids were teens, they always had a way to get in touch with me, and I never stayed the night. Well once I was dating this guy, the kids had met him and liked him but I never stayed over night, i would just come home really late. Well once I fell asleep and knowing the 10 yr old would be up(the 19 yr old was watching him) at 7 am, my bf filled a grocery bag for me with some pancake mix, cookies, etc and I wallked in the door and said to my son, its about time your up, I already went grocery shopping. He was none the wiser, but my daoughter thought it was funny how I was able to buy individual hershey miniatures, and kisses not in a bag,lol.

Jennifer - posted on 10/07/2012

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Thanks Ashley! And i dont think you should worry too much, I don't invite complete strangers into my home, but then again i don't exactly know these guys middle names. My partners mainly include guys from work, or people i meet at the gym, and i dont just have sex with them the day we meet. And for the most part my partners don't change, a couple of them i have been fooling around with for a couple years. So after a time, i'd say i know these guys pretty well.

Ashley - posted on 10/07/2012

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Jennifer, firstly I would like to thank you for having the courage to ask others opinions and advise knowing that this may be a topic that could give you a lot of mean things said, although we encourage the people who participate in this site to give feedback in a way that doesn't harm those asking for help, even if our opinions differ. I am glad to have read your post that you have decided not to have the men over when your daughters are home. As you said, you don't want your daughters to think that all relationships are like that or that its ok. I do hope that these men you are not having relationships with are people you can trust and not just random men. My husband and I started off as just having some fun because we had both just gone through divorces with cheating spouses and had been friends for a few years going through this together. We knew each other, trusted each other, and respected each other enough not to spread around what we were choosing to do on our own time. My daughter was 5 at the time and she never met him until we had decided the relationship really was more serious than we first let ourselves believe - which was a good 6 mo into the relationship. We married 2 years after the more than friends relationship started and it has blossomed into the best relationship I could have ever asked for. I wish you the best and hope things go well for you.

Jennifer - posted on 10/06/2012

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Sarah - Firstly, please do not jump to any conclusions about what may or may not have happened in my relationship. For your information, I had a miscarriage that my ex showed me no support in and decided to find comfort with another woman as it was easier for him. I would love to know how my son will have lower morals simply because his father chose a woman willing to do his ever bidding over his family - even though I do nothing but teach him what it right and fair and to have an open heart and show no ill will to anyone? Exactly how do you figure that?

Sarah - posted on 10/06/2012

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Jennifer- Perhaps it was not the father that is an ass, perhaps it was because you were not good at communicating, and of course your son will have lower morals, how could he not, but its all in the past and our futures are open for only positive experiences! : )

Sarah

Jennifer - posted on 10/06/2012

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Thanks Jennifer and Sarah for your advice, all opinions are welcome.

Sarah- first of all i didnt have a divorce, the father left as soon as i told him i was pregnant, so not really my fault there. And the question wasnt about what i do during school, but if i should have men over at night, when they are home, and at this point i have already decided against that, that would be irresponsible to expose them to that. But when i am off work during the week, i will most certainly keep having sex while the girls are at school. I see no problem with this, my girls are none the wiser, and i get my fun - win/win. This way when they are home, i can spend time with them. Oh and FYI, i have a 'pleasure device' and it just isnt as good, not nearly as good.

Sarah - posted on 10/06/2012

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This is not showing the kids good values. FIrst getting a divorce already set the stage for poor morals for your kids, but having men over while they are at school just for sex?? Focus on being a mom and try to control your urges, maybe buy a pleasure device.

-Sarah

Jennifer - posted on 10/03/2012

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Thanks Stacey :) your right i do not want girls to behave this way at their age, hence i shouldn't allow them to see it. And its only 3 or 4 years until they are both moved out

Vicki - posted on 10/03/2012

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Dont blame you for not wanting to leave the girls home alone, however a few hours wouldnt hurt who says that you have to sleep over at their houses or viseversa?! Afterall its not a real relationship right?

Jennifer - posted on 10/03/2012

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thanks for the input Vikki...again! and your probably right, though i will still be giving the matter some though in days to come. Yes going to their houses is an option, i just don't like the idea of leaving the girls on their own at night, and being able to have a guy sleep over would make things alot simpler. I'll just have to get a little creative it seems :P

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