Liam my boy is turning 4 in June... he only met his Dad once and that was a few months ago... his dad made me promises but didnt keep them, now we aren't in touch anymore. Liam really loved him and keeps asking me where he is ect. What can i tell him??

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Sara - posted on 04/22/2009

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Hi Laura, thanks for sharing your story...



I have a problem right now with my bf and need some advice (or maybe even just a listening ear)

Ronnie is my daughter's Dad.... He gets loud over anything and nothing..... slamming doors, cursing me in front of my kids, then he gives me a hug and thinks everything is ok again. He will never change, he even says that no one will change him as he has always been a strong character.

My son woke up a few times last night and was crying saying his nose hurts... i know he wasnt playing to get attention because he kept twisting his legs in pain. I turned the light on in the hallway, the door open in Liam's room as to rest his eyes... Ron just gets upset and starts talking to himself again,,, cursing. He gets up and turns the hallway light off and slams the door shut. I was so upset, couldn't believe it although i should have known that he was in a terrible mood the moment he got home from work.



I ended up resting in Liam's bed to comfort him and thankfully he fell asleep a little later and i went back to bed.



Since Friday last week, i have had a tooth pulled and in pain, really bad if i dont get painkiller i could scream! Last night was the worst and i woke him up to make Lacey her bottle... He then said that it was my fault as i woke her up when i went into the kitchen to take painkillers.

This morning he noticed that 2 euro's were missing from his wallet which he probably had spent and had forgotten. He called me a thief and a liar.

I went for a smoke on the balcony after he grabbed Lacey from my lap and said he needs to spend some time with her. I rarely smoke but it's a calm-down-thing at the moment. Then i had to hear him say how i wasted 4 euros on cigs.

We talked about buying a car.... i asked him how he wants to come up with so much money... he like freaked out on me, saying its none of my business.... he seems to have secrets and i think honesty is a very important thing in a relationship!?

He likes to say he will take Lacey away from me and this filthy house i live in.... I could scrub the floor with a toothbrush and it still wouldnt be clean enough.

When i hoover, he grabs the vacuumcleaner from me, saying he will do it "the proper way!"

I need some advice... any.... i love this guy and dont know what to do well i do... i know thati must break up with him but how, things are so complicated and i seem to be too forgiving but one thing i do know is that i cannot even breathe normaly when he is around, fearing what he will do or say next.

Laura - posted on 04/21/2009

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Hi Sara,



My ex and I split up a year ago and he was seeing our daughter until Jan of this year which came to an end when he made rang me up and became verbally aggressive before threatening me with snatchng our daughter. Since then,Brooke has not seen him. (We are going through legal proceedings and therefore my ex cannot see her at this time but in truth I was not willing to let him see her alone after his threat). My daughter has been better in her manner and personality since not seeing him and hardly ever mentions him but when she does, I just tell her that Daddy has gone away for a while and that no one knows when we will see him again. She just says "alright mummy". The only time she really asks this is when we pass a house she knows he lived in but no longer lives in. (He has moved about 5 times since the split to the last time he saw her). At the moment, she doesn't seem concerned and seems ok with what I tell her but I know that she will ask more questions as she gets older. I do know that there is a high chance that he will be allowed to see her again but supervised but that is only if he can be bothered to continue to go and pay his solicitor or make an effort. In the meantime, its just me and her and I am happy for us to stay that way for a long time.

Chrystal - posted on 04/21/2009

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My kids father hasn't been around for about 3 years. I never condone lying, but sometimes it's necessary when they are just too young to understand the dynamics of the situation. I found it to be easiest to say he moved away and he's too far away to visit.

Patricia - posted on 04/21/2009

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Hi there, i went through a similar situation with my son when he was a little older than your little boy. My son first saw his dad when he was around 2 years old, it didn't work out between us and then he just disappeared. Then when my boy was about 7 he went through a crisis after seeing all his school mates dad sharing with special days at school with them. It was a very difficult situation at that point in time because my son blamed me for his father not being around, but we were able to get through it and now my son is 17 and we have a wonderful relationship. Basically i can just tell you that you will need to twist the truth a little bit for him to understand, i use to tell my son that his dad and i weren't together anymore and that he had to go away due to work. Whenever he would ask me when is he coming back i would just tell him that i didn't know and that we would both have to wait and see when. i never have spoken bad about his father to him and that will only make you look bad.

Like they've already told you, you just need to make sure that he feels that he has you and that you will always be there no matter what, that you will never abandon him; just take things as they come because you really don't know what may happen in the future. Just as long as your little one knows that you will never give up on him and that he has you there with him and that all your love is all that he needs he will be fine, don;t be over protective just be as you always have been with him.

You'll be fine and if you need any extra advice don't be afraid to go for some professional advice, i did and it was the best thing i could have ever done for myself and for my son. But remember this my son was 7-8 years old when all this happened older than your little one. Now that he is 17 he has decided that he doesn't need to meet his father, i left that decision to him he has always known that he will have me beside him no matter what decision he makes.

Let me know if you would like to chat a bit more or if you have any questions.

:)

Sara - posted on 04/21/2009

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to be honest, i'm not sure if there is a perfect answer to the "where is he" question.... sometimes i wish my son were old enough to understand the "why"

I wish i would know what my son is thinking..... he must be so confused...

Audrey - posted on 04/21/2009

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I have a similiar problem, my daughters turning 4 in September. Her dead beat dad promised us the earth, I ended getting a protection order against him He also touched in appropriatley! He is a drug addict and alcoholic. He has never paid a cent towards her. She loves him dearly and misses him. Since he's been out of our lives she has been a better child, not so up and down and moody. He'd promise to come visit her and not pitch up or arrive high or as drunk as a lord. I keep having to explain to her why he's not allowed to visit, some days she understands and others she doesn't. You can only try your best and be the best you can for them. As the get older the questions will get harder..

Sara - posted on 04/21/2009

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Hi Irene, thanks for the advice!

I dont mind being called Patty :-)



I didnt think Liam's Dad would make such a huge impression on him as they really only met once but i guess now that Liam goes to kindergarten seeing all the other Dad's pick up other kids made him happy to know he has one too. He doesnt really quite understand what a dad really is, i think its more he wants what other children have a also some "man" to look up to. Just the other day he was a karate lesson and happened to be the only one participating as all the other kids were on holiday... He loved the face being the only one and felt special. This morning i told him karate is this afternoon and he said "hopefully i am the only one again!"

I am praying this "daddy" thing will be a phase that will fade soon.

I hope he doesnt think that he doesnt deserve to have a dad like his friends do.

I have told him that me and his dad dont get along at the moment and that he is busy working but i do hear frustration when he says "why is he working so long?"and catch him telling his little friends what his dad does, that he has a cool job fixing planes and once he brought the toy plane he got from his Dad to playschool and he went on bragging and then when i heard him say " my Papa promised to take me to the toy shop next time he is over to see me!"... my heart hurt!!



I have a boyfriend, but everytime i say Ronnie could be ur Dad it seems to upset him. They do not always get along but hopefully in time they will and Ronnie will be able see him as his own someday...



I will not say men are monsters but i never will understand why some hurt their own flesh and blood!!!

Irene - posted on 04/20/2009

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Ooops .... Sorry Sara ... I don't know how I got your name all wrong. I promise I will never call you Patty again! Please accept my apology ....

Irene - posted on 04/20/2009

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Hi Patty. My girl was 4 years old when I left her dad and she was very angry with me. She confronted me one day and screamed "You made me leave my Daddy!" It was very difficult to hear that but I handled it this way. I reassured her that I loved her very much and that I would always be there for her; that I would never ever leave. The truth of the matter is that our little ones can't understand the matters of grown ups; they little hearts and minds are not able to grasp it all. But as long as Liam knows your are OK then he will be OK. Make your choices about your adult relationships based on your needs and on what is best for you. Just keep your little boy safe and close to you. Nurture him like the good mom that you are and everything will work out all right. By the time he is 10 he will not have many memories about this time in his life, but he will always remember that his Mom made good and wise decisions; ones that were good for both of you. Take care....
Irene

Patty - posted on 04/19/2009

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It's hard trying to deal with a child asking questions about where "daddy" is! I put off answering that question as long as I could but like you said, my son just got frustrated. The best and only answer that I could tell him was that his dad and I couldn't get along any more and instead of my son watching us fight and argue in front of him, his dad and I both decided that it would be best if he didn't come around for a while. I reassured him that he had nothing to do with it, he's not to blame, mommy and daddy just can't be around each other right now. That worked for a good little while until he was old enough to hear the truth. Most kids have seen mom and dad get into heated arguments so it worked for me.

Emma - posted on 04/18/2009

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My son has never known his father, However when he was one i started dating someone and the relationship lasted 2 years and ended badly, its been almost a year since we broke up and my son is now 4.and still asks for him. Not so much but every now and then . I don't really know what to say to him, I'd try distract him or just say he had to go away for a while things like that. It would help for a while but then he would ask for him again. Me and my ex seem to be on better terms these days and my son has seen him a few times this year however it seems to frustrate him more when he is gone again.

Rachel - posted on 04/17/2009

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My girls are now 7 and have not seen their dad in about 4 years. He pays his child support but shows no interest in seeing them or getting to know them (his loss). I finally decided to explain it to my children this way: "You know how some people are sick? They may have a broken leg, a disease, etc (something they are familiar with). These are physical sicknesses. People can be sick emotionally too. When someone is emotionally sick they don't know how to love people like they should. Most of the time they don't even like themselves. Your father is this kind of sick." I try to let my kids know that it is not their fault and that they have done nothing wrong; the problem lies within their father. On their own, my kids decided to pray for their daddy in hopes that he will get better.

Tricia - posted on 04/16/2009

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Sara,

My son is 6 and has not seen his dad in 4 years. Now that he is in school he is asking almost every day where he is. I tell him he is working. We have left msgs and he never returns the calls. I thought he would forget too but it seems once they get a bit older they get more curious about it. We just let him know that he has many other special men in his life (his Uncle, his Poppa and his soon to be step-dad). He is very lucky and sees them daily. I do never speak about his father infront of him. Even though he has walked away and has made it easier on my life it is sad for my son who is only longing to know him. I also never lie to him so I just tell him he is working and must be busy, must be true...too busy to come over with his other life I guess.



Good luck with it.

Carolyn - posted on 04/16/2009

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MY GIRLS WENT 5 YRS WITHOUT SEEING THERE DAD, TO BAD FOR HIM HES MISSING OUT. IT ONLY MAKES US STRONGER AS WOMAN AND THE KIDS LOOK UP TO US FOR DOING IT BY OURSELVES. DAD WILL PAY IN THE LONG RUN WHEN OUR KIDS GET OLDER.

Sara - posted on 04/16/2009

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Thanx Donna, ur advice is appreciated!!





I tell him he is away working but sometime he gets frustrated and says " why he he working so long?"





I hope he will forget Sean soon!!!





 



 

Donna - posted on 04/16/2009

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Hi, I think its very difficult explaining to a young child where the absent father is.  Whenever my kids dad wasnt around i always said he was working, bad i no lying but kids dont need to know everything especially at a young age.  As long as you're there for him and provide stability he will grow up feeling secure.  In time you when he'll understand you could tell him, but i think for now he's too young to understand.  Dont stress about it just be there for him x



Even tho my ex sees the kids he has let them down so many times its frustrating because they want to see him and i have to deal with the tears but i have tried not to bad mouth him because all said and done he is their father (LOL!)  and they will in time make up their own mind about him. 



Good luck x

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