New single mom of two baby boys with alcoholic father. I feel so desperate!

Sandy - posted on 04/07/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I am the new single mom of a two yr old and a 7 month old. He cheated on me twice, the first time when I was 5 months pregnant and the second time on Valentine's Day this year. I am so sad and lonely and it seems like he is happier without us. That makes me so upset I feel like I can't breath. He is an alcoholic and is giving me a hard time for not letting him have the two yr old alone on the weekend, but I just can't. I don't trust him. He falls asleep watching him or drinks while they're there. He keeps calling me a b@#%ch. At the same time I feel so lost and empty and I miss him. What is wrong with me. Why is this so hard? He was so mean to me and blamed me for everything and at the same time never helped me. I don't know how to do this! Please any advice! I feel like I'm falling apart. MY son misses him but he is so not good for him. What do I do?

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Teresa - posted on 04/08/2009

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I just walked out of the same situation.I had 3 kids before i met him...Now we have a 4 year old daughter and 7 month old triplets...It was hard to just walk out but it has been the best thing for all the kids....If you need anyone to talk...please feel free to email me anytime...resatxmomof4@aol.com

Erica - posted on 04/08/2009

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Your story sounds familiar... I was in the same situtation prior to having my daughter, her father (now deceased) was an alcoholic both verbally and mentally abusive. If he got drunk and was in a good mood it was going to be a good nite if he was mad and drunk it was going to be like walking on hot coals. One nite he was so drunk and mad because I wouldn't talk to him that he kicked in my rear passager window and all the glass landed on my daughter (she was little over 1 yrs old then). After that I did my best to cut all ties with him but decided that she did need her dad in her life. But you know wat no child needs a man that is abusive to their mother because sooner or later that abuse will turn to them. The best thing is to get urself together and move on. If you are feeling like he doesnt want to be there then fine. U may have to make the decision to move on, but you have to be "sick and tired of being sick and tired" and when u get to that point you want look back trust.

Demetria - posted on 04/08/2009

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A verbally abusive alcoholic that you miss? First check your self esteem. You have to grab hold to the great mom you are and the better mom you are trying to be and think a little higher of yourself. Better self esteem will give you the strength to get out of your situation and help you be able to make better choices for your children. Although i agree with Tanya, (your kids NEED to know their father) i do however think theri safety MUST be put above them NEEDING to know their father. I dont think you should keep them from him but if he is pasted out drunk, he cant care for children that young. I am a single mom of a six year old and i left him in the care of my alcoholic mother overnight when he was 10 months old (so i could go out) and she intentionally burned him with a cigarette on his legs because he "wouldn't shut up the crying". He was crying because he was hungry but she was too drunk to bother with him. Anyway I snapped when i found out and tried to kill her. When i took my son to the hospital, DCFS tried to take him away and i ended up with a DCFS case on my record for 7 years because my mother and i lived in the same house and they could not "prove" who actually hurt him. Now i cant get any job around children or anything requiring a background check because of it. And God forbid if my child breaks a bone or needs to go to the ER for anything--my record is the first thing that pops up and folks are thinking i abuse my child! My point--- You keep your kids away from an alcoholic until they are old enough to tell you what happened to them. In the meantime, teach them to love their father, and he will just have to understand. If he doesnt that is ok too..just keep them safe.

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I am a single mother and my sons father only wants to claim him on taxes. You need to first think of your babies and their safety. If you are uncomfortable then its probably for a good reason. Call it mothers intuition. If you have someone that can watch the little ones (grandparent or a friend) go pamper yourself. Get a pedicure and manicure, massage. It will help you feel like a woman again and that you are desireable. Enjoy those babies and forget about him. If he wants to be in his kids lives he will get away from the alcohol and get his life straightened out. Children are a blessing and he needs to realize it takes more than being a man to make a father. He has to take responsibility as well and drinking while you are taking care of your children is not being responsible. Its hard, but you can do better so try to get rid of all feelings for him and be there for your babies, you will be fine it just takes time. Good Luck and if you need to vent feel free to send me a message.

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I know you love him but if ths is the way he treats you something ain't right. He should respect you as the mother of your kid. There is no place for verbal abuse in this world. The best thing you can do , both of you should sit down and talk. Communication is still the best thing to do. Talk it out...ask him ..and tell him.. I know this thing always work. For you my dear, sit down and analyze what went wrong..sometimes we got to understand our partner too. They have needs too, try to know what is lacking ..don't give up.. pray.Miracles do happen. Goodluck!

Tanya - posted on 04/08/2009

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first i hate to say this but you son's relationship with his father has nothing to do with you.... I know after this you hate me already but if you focus on a positive relationship with your boys and disregard their father it will become easier. what he contributes to their upbringing is up to him and not really your concern. I have an ex that try's to teach my son to lie, cheat and steal but because I have instilled different ideals in him he sees his father for who he is.., I won't say there wasn't times that i just wondered if it was all worth it but at the end of the day it is. and to say what was said to me when I really struggled "kids know where their bread is buttered' and at the end of the day when you show the positive role model it is learn't by the kids. at the end of the day he is his father and your son NEEDS to know him, but have some faith in who you are as well because that has as much if not more influence even if you don't realize it.

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