New to being a single mom.......

Andrea - posted on 03/28/2009 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I have 4 children and on the 10th of this month we moved into our own apartment. My husband and I have had a pretty rocky relationship for awhile so I know that this is the right decision for now. My children are 7,6,2,1 and none of them understand. Since we have been gone their dad has only taken the 6 year old for 2 nights and hasn't even asked for the other kids. My 7 year old doesn't even want to see his dad, he wants me all the time and tells me how much he missed me even if we are apart for only a short time. My 6 year old tells me at every opportunity he has how much he misses his dad and that he wants him to live with us, or that he wants to live with his dad. My 2 year old cried for her dad when he isn't around but if he comes over or we see him she wants nothing to do with him. The baby is not effected because I have always taken care of her anyways but he isn't even trying to have a relationship with her. Anyways a lot of people know what is going on and they call to check on me or ask me to do stuff and I either don't answer the phone or I make up an excuse why I can't go. I sit at home with the kids whenever I am not working. I am kind of numb to the whole situation but upset that he isn't even trying to be a part of his children's lives. I am lonely and overwhelmed being the only one to take care of all the kids and the only break I have is when I go to work... I work at a daycare! anyways does anyone have any advice on how you cope with disappointment from your kids dad, and how to not feel so overwhelmed????

thanks so much for your time
Andrea

5 Comments

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Cathy - posted on 03/31/2009

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Hi there, wow you have your hands full, but just remember, "God gives only what you can handle". this i believe, i have been divorced for around 9 years and i have been single ever since, it was very hard and exhausting time of my life...i work 2 jobs with both my kids...i am now very very independent and i really don't need a man in my life... I love my kids so much that they know i am always there for them. U too will be fine....I am praying for you and your family....

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hi i know how u feel i have 2 kids a son 8 and a girl 5 i left their dad 3 years ago so they was still small all i wanted to do was to stay in with my kids and not to talk to anyone but then 1 day i look at my kids and seen that they was picking up on my low mood so i change bit by bit now i go over my m8s 4 a coffee and in the evenings we take tunes in having girls nights in on the weekend i have someone to talk to and my kids have their m8s to play with as 4 their dad hes the one missing out on them not u just be there for them and if he lets them down just do somthing fun with them just take it all one step at a time and it will all come togather in the end good luck with it all

Malinda - posted on 03/30/2009

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It breaks my heart just reading your story...and the other ladies. Since I've been doing this alone for the 13 years I can tell you that this does get easier. It may not seem like it will right now, but honestly it will :o). As for right now, your promise to make to yourself is the next time that phone rings and your closest best friend calls you and asks you to come out for coffe, dinner, whatever that you accept. You NEED to promise yourself that you will do this. I know that right now you want nothing more than to stay home with your children, and they also need you as their stability. But you also need time with other adults if nothing more than a kind ear and someone to cry to. You may even want to take up a hobby (kick boxing right now would be fantastic, to vent your frustration).



As for your ex, you can't make him change, not that you want to. He needs to work it out for himself. Hopefully sooner than later. As Julie said, later on your children will know who was there for them when they needed it.



Later on you'll have time for spening just relaxing with your children. I know that I love nothing more than hanging in with my two children on a Friday night. Just the three of us.

Julie - posted on 03/30/2009

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Hi Andrea,  I have 3 kids with a dad that sounds a lot the the father of your children.



We were separated for 3 months before he had the kids. My son, who was 3 at the time, missed him the most. Three years on not a great deal has changed. There still is no routine as far as him having the kids. He has them when it suites him!  I know exactly how exhausting & overwhelming it can be.  I used to work in child care too, but there is no way I could do it now. I would go crazy!  I dont know if giving that up is an option for you, but I would really be trying to get a job in another area, so your whole day isnt about kids.  Single mums need adult interaction! lol!  I go to a mums group called MOPS ( mothers of preschoolers), its great!  You pay $7 for 2 hours in which carers mind your kids in another room & you get to drink all the coffee, tea, hot choc & eat all the yummy cakes, biscuits etc, you want.  They have guest speakers, that come & talk about parenting, health, support groups for different needs & lots of other great & interesting  topics.  I dont know where you live, but MOPS is an international organisation. Maybe you could find out if there is one near you. I have made some great friends, & found great support in my group. I felt very alone before, so it was great to meet women, who even though may not be separated, understood some of my battles.   As for your kids dad, hopefully he will adjust & get better as time goes on. Just remember, as your kids grow up they will always remember it was you who was there for them.



Take care & good luck... :-)

Philippa - posted on 03/28/2009

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Hey there

i dont know if i can be much help other than to let you know your not alone! :) i have 2 children, both girls, nearly 2 and nearly 4. i recently split up with their dad and now have absolutly no help from him - he moved to australia! my oldest keeps asking for her dad, thinks that one day we will just pick him up from work like we used to, she just doesnt understand even tho we watched daddy take off in the airplane. my youngest has no idea whats going on but still looks at his photo and says thats my dad. its heart breaking and overwhelming, but we will get there and the reason we will is tucked up in bed :)

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