not quite single, but might as well be doing it alone, should i keep trying or move on?

Amanda - posted on 02/04/2009 ( 12 moms have responded )

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My bf and I have been together for about 7 years, together since high school. We just had our first child and im feeling more stress than ever to do whats best for me and for my son. I'm on MAT leave until may, and my bf works full time. He wishes me to do everything around the house, laundry, dishes, all cleaning, and take care of our son. He takes care of our son when he's alone with him, but when i'm home he says " This is your job". And on top of that he has a pretty bad temper. I want my son to grow up in a loving, caring home, and know how to treat women like its not the 1950's. We have been going to councelling and it's not helping either. Right now i feel like i am staying with him because i can't afford to do it alone, and i'm scared about whats going to happen with custody.



Are my hopes to high? Is this unrealistic to wish my man would work and help at home?

12 Comments

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Arein - posted on 04/10/2009

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OMG How this mirrors my own life! Shortly after my daughter turned one my ex and I started fighting terribly and I thought the EXACT SAME THING!!! I would go to bed every night and think, this would be so much easier if I were a single mom. I could take my daughter and raise her the right way, show her how a real man is supposed to treat a woman eventually. Everyday for months I told him that the only reason I was with him was because I didn't want to go home to my parent's. That was almost a year ago now..and before we seperated for good I wound up pregnant with baby no 2! (My son who I wouldn't trade for the world, is now 3months old.) I now have my own place and am doing my best to take care of my children. Sadly, it took lots of court battles $10,000 yes ten thousand dollars, and me getting up on my own feet to realize...I have everything I thought I wanted and I'm still unhappy. I wish with all of my heart that I had tried to fight harder for my relationship. If I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have given up so easily. This is serious. You have to think not only of you but your son. You have to make sure that you have fought as hard as you could. You have to anticipate the questions your son will ask. For me the last straw was the fact that he took a 20 bill from my wallet. When my children ask why we aren't together that is what I have to tell her. Your dad stole 20 dollars and I left him?!!! I can't believe it. I too had been with my boyfriend for 5yrs. We moved out and he wasn't even 18yet. I never had an individual identity. It took me to find myself to realize what I want is HIM. Maybe taking a break will make you both realize what you need..even if you decide you don't want him!

I know it is hard, trust me. I lived with my parent's for three months. I now live in a very nice apartment that has a program similar to Section 8 (which bases your rent from your income) I use food assistance and my kids use Title 19 as a supplement to their father's insurance. I get court-ordered child support. I certainly am not bragging that I use these state programs and I will not continue to use them when I am capable of providing for my children myself. I am just letting you know that there are programs out there to help you so you don't feel trapped. You don't need a man to pay the bills. You can raise your son yourself if that is what is best for him. I struggle everyday. Some days I don't want to get out of bed but my daughter tells me it's time for breakfast and I have to put a brave face on for her. Get off my butt and tell her it's going to be okay. I cry when she goes to her dad's and cry harder when I discipline her and she cries for her dad. It is hard and it sucks but you can do it. No matter what you choose, as much as you don't think you can do it, your son's bright smiling face will tell you, you have made the right chose.



I hope this helps you.

Sarah - posted on 04/03/2009

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my babys dad has never changed one single diaper, made one single bottle, or watched him even once for me. im 19 and hes 39 but somehow IM the responsible one. he comes and goes all the time the longest hes lleft us  for is 4 months. Hes got a temper too. I keep thinking he will start to help out but he hasnt. Just today i asked him 4 hep and he said no.



Do what i dont have the strength to AND LEAVE

Sarah - posted on 04/03/2009

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my babys dad has never changed one single diaper, made one single bottle, or watched him even once for me. im 19 and hes 39 but somehow IM the responsible one. he comes and goes all the time the longest hes lleft us  for is 4 months. Hes got a temper too. I keep thinking he will start to help out but he hasnt. Just today i asked him 4 hep and he said no.



Do what i dont have the strength to AND LEAVE

[deleted account]

I think that one of the biggest mistakes I made was living with my bf before we were married. I am sure most people will laugh (at this day and age, we're all doing it, right? so ... what can be the problem??). Well I can say from experience ... and I'm sure that I'm not alone in this ... that I have paid the price for it. I got pregnant, and thought that the best thing for our child would be to marry her father. We got married, and then I got to find out who he really was. The hard way. Of course, for me, marriage is forever ... and so there was no way I was going to give-up. And before we got married, he assured me that he felt the same way. Our 5-yr wed anniv was this last Dec ... he left me Nov 2007. It has been one of the hardest times of my life. Going through legal-papers etc..... his lack of attention to his daughter.... At the same time, I have been forced to become stronger. And I will admit, that the only strength I have had to get through it, has come through my new-found Faith in God.



I won't write a 5-page story about my life ...  But I think that this era - where more and more couples are living together outside of marriage - has brought a lack of respect. If our bf can have everything he wants, without having to marry us, then why should he change anything? And if he can get us to do whatever he wants, by hurting us emotionally or physically, why would he stop? I'm not saying that there aren't relationships that work-out and last, that start-out the way mine did. But it's definitely more difficult. If a man doesn't have enough respect for his woman to FIRST devote himself to her whole-heartedly BEFORE gaining her physically ... how can we expect him to show respect in smaller parts of his life? And if we are letting it happen, then we aren't having respect for ourselves either! I don't know if any of that makes sense, or if anyone agrees. I'm not trying to be rude or point fingers (I am definitely the last person who has that right). I am just stating something that I've noticed, and have been thinking about, personally. I live with my parents ... and it is something that I dreaded (I had sort of 'ran-away' and broken our relationship). But they have been so helpful, and it is awesome for my daughter to have the opportunity to have a deeper relationship with her g-parents. I don't know if you have someone that you trust, that could help you and your child. But if you do --- I would take that chance. If you want your relationship with your bf - you could continue counseling (if he is willing). Tell him where you stand, what your boundaries are. And then stick to them. It is important that you take care of yourself, and your child. And you know in your heart how you can do that. If you know God (or even if you don't) I would encourage you to pray ... the child-custody papers are difficult. and no fun. If you ever want to talk ... I would love to help you if I can. It's even harder when you have to go through it alone.

Holly - posted on 03/12/2009

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At least in CA if your not married neither one of you have custody AND DON'T KID YOURSELF if you have no police reports about his temper or abuse it 's your word against his and the judge will find the child needs you both. You need proof in court!

Natasha - posted on 03/12/2009

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I tried for 3 years with my sons dad to try and make it work because I was afraid I couldnt do it on my own ... my ex had a bad temper and I finally realized one day that it was no good for my son and no good for me to try and make things work when they werent going to! You cant make something work that is just destin to fail!!... you need to do whats right for your son and I know it may be scary and first but you know what there are so many options out there for moms like us.... I was terrified and now look at me 9 months after i left him I am back in school my son is in a great daycare and i am bettering my life without him ... and my son and I have never been happier!!! if you need any more advice dont hesitate to ask since i have just been through everything you are looking at doing!! Dont worry just think about what is best for you and your son!!!

Kathryn - posted on 03/07/2009

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i went thru kinda the same thing u have to do whats best for you and your son its hard but people dont change i learned that the hard way as far as custody in Illinois you have full rights and custody i hope thing work out for you

Danielle - posted on 03/07/2009

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I am in a very similar Boat to you my Boyfriend and i were together for 8 years we were primary school sweethearts and together for all of highschool... 2 years after graduating he said he wanted a family and to marry me so i obliged with our gorgeous Little Boy (first and only).... I noticed throughout the pregnancy that he didn't want to know about any test results and he didn't want to see any scans and i put it down as him wanting it to be a surprise... i was wrong... whilst i worked everyday for 9 hours and saved like crazy to afford nice things for our soon to be baby... He would tell me i wasn't saving enough, when i asked for his help financially he insisted that it was my responsibility as i was pregnant not him, I didnt get any support through the pregnancy whether it be financially, emotionally or physically and on top of all this i was expected to cook alll his meals, do all of his housework and heaven forbid if i looked upset or sad.



He snapped out of his previous behaviour when our son was born and seemed so wonderful for the few days i was in hospital but when i went home things reverted back, he would never take care of our son insisting it was a woman's job, he wouldn't change or feed or play with him and he would still ask the same household demands.



I grew weary and tired and eventually it took its toll on me and i had a break down, i realised that i could not let my son endure this and i wasn't going to stand for it.. i gave my boyfriend an ultimatum.. He either change or we were leaving... Now as he has a foul temper i was worried how he would react but to my surprise all he did was laugh thinking i was joking.. well i packed our things and left.. Its been 4 months since i have been gone and he still hasn't changed... Yes its harder doing it alone but i have noticed the huge difference in my son's behaviour.. he no longer has night frights and our bond is as strong as ever.



I cannot tell you that you have to leave or that you should but what i can tell you is that your Boyfriend is no longer the most important person in your world, men should have a balance of working at home and if its not 50 -50 then its not at all.. i hope things work out for you and i hope you can find a solution... but from where i am standing it may not be worth the pain of trying to change him...

Tanith - posted on 03/07/2009

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You are asking too much. I left my husband at the end of last year for the same reason. And I was worried about money to but things have a way of working out and you will be a better person and a better mother to your little one if you leave.

Your baby senses your distress and indees the stress you are under from having to do EVERYTHING! LEaving was the best thing I ever did - as I now can devote more time and indeed attention and love to my little one and she is thriving on living in a stress free environment - where I can play with her instead of doing the dishes and no one cares.

My thoughts are that you only have one life and you should enjoy as much of it as possible, and time spent with all your energy on your child will make your life so much happier.

Amba - posted on 03/07/2009

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No one can tell you what u should or shouldnt do but like you said its not the 1950's and I dont believe its unreasonable to expect our partner to help around the house and with the kids they helped create especially when they expect us to work too.



One of the biggest mistakes we often make as women is expecting things to be different after the baby is born. I worked full time while i was pregnant and after my daughter was born i expected her father to help, if possible he did even less... we ended up splitting and now raise our daughter amicably and now the only mess i clean is my own and my daughters lol :-)

Jennifer - posted on 03/07/2009

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I just left my husband of three years. He's in Kentucky and I'm in LForida with our twin boys. I did everything from day one by myself. He has worked about half the time since the kids were born (they are 2 years old). He didn't pay the bills and I had been a stay at home mom since I was pregnant. We basicly got kicked out of our house so i cam to FL. You will have a rough time being on your own, but you have to think about the bigger picture. My kids have been around nothing but loving family since I moved. They are better off without their dad. It will take time but if you are doing it all by yourself now what difference would it make if he wasn't in the picture everyday?

Kristina - posted on 02/04/2009

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hey i am in the same boat as you....but a little more complicated since i have 4 kids with him,ya he works and pays rent and stuff but everything else is my job,cleanning,shoping,paying bills,taking care of 4 kids & 2 cats,and doing laundry,dishes and on top of it all to listen to his ranting about his boss....ya i understand it's hard to be on your own i can't afford rent and all they need but when it comes to custdy that's one thing you don';t have to worry about...if he has bad temper even better for you cuz courts won't feel safe leting him have the baby and moms usually get the custody especially when a child is verry young....so if thats your only worry don't stress over that you'd win no problem he would get visitation but thats all.....and p.s its not unrealistic...he needs to help out cuz its his baby and his home just as much as it is yours!!!

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