should I contact him?

Yvonne - posted on 03/12/2009 ( 15 moms have responded )

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My son will turn 1 in early april and I have been debating as to whether I should get in touch with his father who has not seen him since he was 2.5 months. I haven't heard from him since, but I would like for him to have a relationship with his son. should I get in touch and see how he reacts and then decide?? Please help!

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Nisa - posted on 03/17/2009

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This may sound terraible and I do apoligize, however your ex is a big boy and knows he has a child. If he wants to be involved he will be. What would be a nice way to extend the olive branch would be to send him pictures or a drawing/painting. That way he could see and think about your beautiful baby and that may be enough to get him to want to be involved. If not your baby will not be confused and you know that you tried.

Yvonne - posted on 03/17/2009

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This has helped a whole lot. What I hear everyone tell me is a resounding NO.  Clearly there are more cons than pros.  Thank you very much ladies.  I will continue to give my baby my best and surround him with people who truly love him. When the time comes I will tell him the truth about his father the best way I know how.

Jodie - posted on 03/17/2009

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Quoting Yvonne:

should I contact him?

My son will turn 1 in early april and I have been debating as to whether I should get in touch with his father who has not seen him since he was 2.5 months. I haven't heard from him since, but I would like for him to have a relationship with his son. should I get in touch and see how he reacts and then decide?? Please help!



Hi Yvonne



I was in the same mind frame as you with keeping the father in my son's life since he was 1 month i was the one to persue him to keep in contact and now my son is 4 and he hasnt seen his dad for 4 months and it's heart breaking to hear him ask for daddy. It would of been better for my son to not have seen his dad since he was 1 month. If the dad hasnt made the effort it should shout out that he doesnt want anything to do with the child. And as a mum it breaks out heart and we dont understand but it's best for the child to have stablity and not know the rejection when he is older. Thats my situation anyway it may be different for you! Hope it helped

Rachel - posted on 03/16/2009

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Yvonne,



I had the same situation with my daughter and her father. I made the decision to not contact him. He knew I was pregnant, he knew I had her. He also knows my cell phone number and where I work. I decided not to go after for child support mainly because I knew he wasn't going to give me a dime. I think that you will need to make the decision in the end.



My daughter is now 4 she has asked me about her father and I tell her the truth so that she will understand. I think its sad that there are so many men like this in the world. It breaks my heart that they don't know the love of a child and what they are missing.



Best of luck with your decision I would just focus on what is best for you little one.

[deleted account]

I just want to mention one more thing. I know that this wasn't about child support .. but I also so a mention about it by Sarah Hawks. She said, "you can do all you can for child support, but you cannot get blood from a rock. My ex-husband has numerous court orders and child support enforcement against him, and he has spent a few nights in jail and yet he has never paid a dime. He is over 6,000 in debt to us. It feels like a lost cause after a while."



I agree ... it does seem like a lost cause after a while. It has been almost six months since I filed for child support, and haven't seen any money. We have been separated for a year and 1/2 and he constantly made promises to help me financially ... and hasn't. He also has two sons from a previous relationship, and she filed for child support a few months before I did. He was forced to pay for awhile, but switched jobs several times, and has stopped paying her as well. Now he has disappeared completely, and has made it pretty close to impossible for either of us to get child-support from him. And when he did pay money to her, he would use it to throw in the kids's faces against their mother. He would say something like this, "I gave your mom $200 she should be buying you guys those toys." As if that is the only thing the money is for! And that wasn't how much money she was getting; but regardless, he made her look like the 'bad-guy'. It is all very frustrating.



I have heard (but I have not researched this yet) that once a child turns 18 they can force their father to pay the back-child-support he owes them. I am not sure how that works; but it is something that could help the child once they are older. Of course -- I can see a lot of flaws in that (because if he has no money ... how does he pay them) but at least it gives hope that they don't go without because they've come to adult-age. But I think it is something they have to request immediately, before or as soon as they are 18 ... If anyone knows how that works and has more info ... that would be nice to know. My step-son will be 13 this year. He is not that far from 18.

Yvonne - posted on 03/14/2009

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Thank you so much everyone of you lovely, strong and wise ladies. This advice is helping so much dawn on me, new angles I had never thought of.



It's such a hard choice you're being faced with. But from my personal experience... if a father doesn't want to be involved, it is better to surround the child with people who DO love him/her so they grow up feeling valued... rather than let an uninterested father shake their views of themselves. It's better to think "He wasn't good enough to be a part of my life" than to think "I wasn't good enough for him to want." But regardless of the father.... I'm sure your son feels safe and loved by you and the rest of your friends/family. That's what's most important. Best of luck to you...  Aisleen thank you for this its best to have him keep on in the loving environment of my family and friends who dote on him and boost his self confidence. He is such a happy child I would hat to see that change.



@Leann No, if he hasn't contact you at all to ask about his son then he doesn't care to know. This is so true I couldn't have put it better myself.



Thank you all so much I'm glad I put it out there.

Leann - posted on 03/13/2009

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No, if he hasn't contact you at all to ask about his son then he doesn't care to know. It is his father, so always leave the door open for him, so if he decides to pursue a relationship he can. I'm learning myself that my girls won't have a relationship with their dad like I had hoped, and spent too much wasted time giving in to what he need and hurting my girls and myself in return. Like I told him the door is always open when he's willing.

Aislinn - posted on 03/13/2009

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My sons father is staying involved, so my advice comes from a different place. Growing up my father was in and out of my life. As a chid, I saw his lack of consistency as something to do with my level of being lovable. I developed some patterns of behavior (such as trying to always please people, being too hard on myself, feeling immense pressure to be "good enough" and liked, and choosing the wrong guys to fill that void, etc) that deeply effected my teen and adult years. I had to undergo counseling to sort out the roots of my issues... and I hadn't seen my father in 12+ years.



It's such a hard choice you're being faced with. But from my personal experience... if a father doesn't want to be involved, it is better to surround the child with people who DO love him/her so they grow up feeling valued... rather than let an uninterested father shake their views of themselves. It's better to think "He wasn't good enough to be a part of my life" than to think "I wasn't good enough for him to want." But regardless of the father.... I'm sure your son feels safe and loved by you and the rest of your friends/family. That's what's most important. Best of luck to you...

[deleted account]

I am in the same situation, but my son is 2. His father stopped comming to see him when he was 6 months old. My son doesn't know his father and I was the last to contact him so I have tried my best. I have heard form others that he is telling people that my son isnt his and what not. I have decided to not contact him, if he comes back and wants to be a part of his life thats different, but I am not going to get in touch with him. It is really a personal decision. Sometimes its easier to let things go. I dont know how yours would be, but for me... My ex only came around every couple of weeks for about an hour anyway so he wasent really in my sons life when he was comming around.

Sarah - posted on 03/13/2009

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Wow, all you guys have such good advice. It is amazing. I guess all I can offer is give him the opportunity to come back into his life, and if he chooses not too, at least you did what you thought was right for your son. My daughter will be 2 in April and her Dad became a drug addict while he was a stay at home Dad. We left him when she was 6 months old. I gave him a chance to sober up and come into her life and he did not. But I can live with that because I gave him a choice and he too the wrong one. I know that when the time comes to tell Abby what happened she will respect my decision. Well, at least I hope so.
And unfortunaltly, you can do all you can for child support, but you cannot get blood from a rock. My ex-husband has numerous court orders and child support enforcement against him, and he has spent a few nights in jail and yet he has never paid a dime. He is over 6,000 in debt to us. It feels like a lost cause after a while. Good Luck and I hope your son has a very Happy 1st Birthday.

[deleted account]

That is too hard ... maybe eventually the g-parents will realize what they're missing-out on. Maybe not. My daughters family on her fathers side aren't involved in her life. On occassion they are... you never know what may happen. God can move mountains when we trust in Him ... The book is never closed on our story or our situation. Even when it may feel like the end, or like things will never change. Suddely, a new chapter opens that you didn't even know existed.

Yvonne - posted on 03/13/2009

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Oh Gayla, you are a blessing. Sound advice I like the bible verse you quoted how true. In my case however, his parents are very aware about their grandson and yet they keep away.  I have a feeling they support their child which to me isn't right they should be the voice of reason. Its a tough decision for me but I keep trusting and praying that God will show me what to do. Child support sounds like a good idea. Thanks for the post.

Gayla - posted on 03/13/2009

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Hi Yvonne! 



I was a single Mom for 8 years and had the exact same situation with my son's Dad.  I was praying one day for God to show me what to do.  I was reading Proverbs 3:27 and it states.....Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it.  I called the Dad's parents and let them know of their blessing of a grandchild and immediately they wanted to bond with him.  I must say his Dad did not change his attitude for years later, but all those years, my Son got to know and love his grandparents, aunts, cousins, and uncles oh...and great-grandparents!  You have no control over the Dad and his involvement with your son, but you have the ability to let him know his other family members.  I would not fight with him and would not talk bad about him to your son.  In fact, I told my son to keep forgiveness in his heart for his Dad, one day he may regret he missed out and want a relationship with him.  As it turns out, that is exactly what happened.  His Dad even apologized to me for how he acted all those years.  He even thanked my husband for taking care of his child when he didn't. 



I hope this helps and my prayers are with you!  ~~~~ Gayla



By the way, I would seek child support.  :)

Yvonne - posted on 03/13/2009

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Thanks Lacie, very insightful advice there, I think he has already proven that he cannot be a real constant dad and as you state on your daughter's case consistency is key. My son is my everything and I would hate to see him go through something he may think is his fault yet he has no power to control.  Thanks for the post and I will keep praying about it.

[deleted account]

That is a hard decision to make! My daughter is about to turn 5 --- and her father has been in and out of her life speratically, since he left me 1 1/2 years ago. She does not deal well with it. I think sometimes that it's harder on her to have him in and out (on an inconsistent basis ... once every few months, or so) than it would be if he were to disappear completely. It has been 2 months since the last time he called, and I am seriously debating telling him that he can't talk to her if he calls again. Every time he calls she goes through long periods of crying, problems at school, etc. But at the same time ... she loves him and misses him terribly. She remembers what it was like when he lived with us.



I think you have to decide what kind of relationship he will have with your son. If you think he could be a constant in your son's life, you should give him that option. Tell him what you expect from him, if he wants to come back in your son's life. If he can't agree to be a real constant dad --- I dont' know. Hard choice; because, If he isn't there --- eventually when your son gets older he will want to know why.



If I were you --- I would have a parenting plan written. Does he pay child-support?? My husband is supposed to; but he has found a way around it. But a parenting plan would protect you and your son. That is important. Having in legal writing that you have custody of him. The parenting plan can be changed later if your situation changes. You would also have to contact him in order to serve him with papers...



Ultimately you have to decide what is best for your son. Will your son benefit from having his father around? Or will it cause him pain? Those are very hard questions ... but ones that only you can answer. You know your son best! God gave him to you because He knew that you are the best mommy for him! You can get through this! "We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us!"

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