standard visitation???

Christal - posted on 01/22/2010 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I am 19 and i just had my little girl in december. Her biological father, who i met on spring break, wants standard visitation. Me and him never had a relationship untill i found out i was pregnant, and he only stuck around for about 3 weeks. When he left his reasoning was that my parents were to controlling and i needed to choose between him and my family (abusive much??). he then started threating my family saying that he would knock my dads teeth out and he also said that my baby probably wasnt his anyway. he payed for nothing during my pregnancy and nothing so far, but now all the sudden he is ready to pay child support and take my 1 month old two weekends a month and two weeks out of the summer and every other holiday... we never any sort of family and he lives in oklahoma i live in texas... can he just pop up and do this? Any advice?

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Michelle - posted on 01/27/2010

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I think you sound pretty silly, but you're on the right message board for that. So many women on here think that their children are personal possessions of theirs, but are money-hungry as hell. You realize that if you contest his paternity, your child support fantasy is out of the window, right? And please, nobody bother with the "well he made the baby too and he needs to support it and its about the child, he/she deserves everything they want" etc because that's my point. He made the baby too, just as much as you did. He may have slacked the last month, but that's your problem, not your child's. From what you said in your post, at this point, nothing he has done has negatively affected that one month old baby, and you know it. How well do you think its gonna go over when he/she finds out that daddy wanted to be in their life just as much as mommy but mommy wouldn't allow it?

That being said, its extremely selfish of him to try and put that burden of travel on a child so young. ESPECIALLY a breastfeeding child. Have you tried to calmly explain that to him? And boy oh boy I feel you, I couldn't bring myself to be away from my son overnight until he was nearly 2 years old. And it sounds like you barely know this guy so naturally you don't want your child with someone you barely know. But it doesn't make him a bad guy just because he wants to be apart of his child's life, quite the opposite.I think the both of you need to get over yourselves and do whats best for your child together. You're going to have to deal with each other for a loooooooooonngg time. Maybe you could work something out where once a month he goes to Oklahoma and once a month you AND child go to Texas. It may get expensive but consider it as necessary as diapers for your child. And worry about the holidays when they get here, who knows how things could be different by then!

And just a little background on me since I'm all up in your business, I'm the single mother of a 2.5 year old boy named Isaac, I'll be 21 next month. I work full time and go to school full time and I have had a pretty tumultuous relationship with my son's father for 4 years, and trust me sweetie, if your son's dad didn't have the chance to break your heart then you're a lot better off than most of us. I don't get child support. Isaac's dad has never been with him overnight when I wasn't there. He sees him whenever he wants. And for the first 8 months after I left him, whenever he wanted was about once a month, if that, and we live in the same city. But I told him "you can walk all over me as long as Isaac's happy, but the day he realizes what a f*ck up you are, I'm done." But I never pulled our B.S. into his relationship with his son. And I truly believe that because he was able to build and develop a relationship with his son that wasn't determined by his relationship with me, he was confident enough to nurture it. So many men are afraid of their children's mothers, and for good reason! Have you read some of the mess on this board?? But you don't have to feed the stereotype. Isaac's dad, bless his heart, can't keep a job. Its not his fault, I know because I'm balls deep in his employment pursuit. He's gotten laid off 3 times since Isaac was born and now can only find part time work, so he doesn't have money to give me and honestly I don't really need it. Sure, I struggle sometimes and everything helps but Isaac and I live a lot better than his dad does. Its all got to balance. And when your child has another person in the world who loves them as only a parent can, it builds their team. Its longevity. If I were to lose my job and have nothing, I know my son's dad would sell everything he owned and live on the street just so my son and I, as his mother, were taken care of. Because he loves his son and has that relationship with his son.

For mothers, most of us have that right off the bat from the moment we realize we're carrying life. For men its not so easy. You are a woman. You are a mother. And we are strong creatures. We sacrifice for others, especially our children. Get used to it, sister. :o)

Sorry for the novel. If you read through the whole thing, kudos!!

GOOD LUCK!!

Sarah - posted on 01/27/2010

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Custody is a nasty thing, trust me I have been there! I think with you two living in two different states you would have to follow different orders if he wanted to see his child. I don't think he would get the weekends, that is usually for parents that live in the same are or are at least close to eachother. If his mom is the one egging this on, I think she can fight for grandparent rights, but that would mean her getting her own attorney. Keep your chin up and be sure to document everything, it may help in court. Good luck!

Christal - posted on 01/24/2010

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thats what my dads attorney said. i was also told to ignore him and make it to where he has to travel to where i live and assturt paternity before he can do anything and it will cost him a lot to do that. so as for now i am not communicating with him or his mother. hopefully he wont even bother and then i can file for child support later and i will be able to say that he didnt even care so why should he care when i go and ask for the money. hopefully it will work.

Amy - posted on 01/23/2010

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Christal first understand that visitation and child support are two different issues just because you ask the court for child support doesn't mean that he can get the visitation he's asking for but do understand he has rights too as the father. if i were you i would document all conversations with him and possibly record them if he's threatening to hurt people. you might be able to use it against him in court.

Jessica - posted on 01/23/2010

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yea so know what you mean it really hard aye alot of my friends are going trough that sort of stuff with me my children know who their dad is so its all that much harder

Christal - posted on 01/22/2010

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i am breastfeeding so thats good... and its mostly his mom trying to get the baby, and i dontknow if she will give up. but she doesnt have any rights to her so idk. i just hope he gives up but still has to pay cuz he is in the army and makes good money

Tarsha - posted on 01/22/2010

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Don't worry i was in similar situation with my babys dad and he was abusive towards me and my family. He fought for visitations and he got supervised visits once a week. He was happy with that for the first few months and now we started talking altho i have a protection order out on him and his mum, And then things turned sour and he didnt want supervised visits. He just wants a family and made me chose between him and the supervisor and i said that i want my son to be safe and the supervisor was to stay and now i havnt seen him in over a month and a half. Going through court for full custody and he doesnt even know about since he has changed address and cell number so they cant contact him. And its not my prob to contact him. He wont get it so as far as i can be concerned give him what he wants as it wont last long. Make sure you breast feed or say your are so he cant take the baby away from you if u feel uncomfortable with him taking him from you and go throught court is my suggestion ....

Christal - posted on 01/22/2010

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i totally agree but i dont know how that will ever work! she is my whole world and i couldnt bear the thought of sending her with him for 2 seconds without me there!

Jessica - posted on 01/22/2010

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i really feel fro you it would be a lot simplier if the guys would just keep out of it if the not supportive in the begining wouldnt it?

Michelle - posted on 01/22/2010

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Yes, he probably can. The courts consider that a relationship with both parents is generally better. Depending on how far away he lives you might get to knock out weekends.

Get a lawyer and figure out what makes sense to fight and what doesn't and figure out what's going to be best.

FWIW, my daughter's dad fought for the vacation & holidays; and has yet to take a single one. Since we're in the same city he sees her once a week, overnights about once a month. Just saying sometimes they fight for things but don't follow through.

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