Telling paternal grandparents about their grandchild

Carrie - posted on 05/13/2016 ( 8 moms have responded )

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When the father of my daughter (born 12.6.14) found out I was pregnant he initially wanted to be involved. After 2 weeks he made a complete 180 and begged me to terminate. I kept my daughter knowing that her biological father didn't want her or anything to do with her or myself. He kept it from everyone and acted like it never happened. When my daughter was almost 2 months old I came across his mother who I knew from the time during our relationship and she commented on how cute my daughter was not knowing she was also her granddaughter. I called her after I left and asked to her to call me later so we could talk about something. She immediately called her son to tell him and he begged me to not tell his mom. He would do anything to avoid having to tell them. I refused to keep it a secret so he made the decision to tell his parents. She was very hurt and upset and promised she would get back with me once she had time to think about it. She spoke to him and ended up changing his mind to where he called and asked to be in his daughters life. He met her on 3 occasions when she was 2 months old and one of those times was with his mom and stepfather. He had moved on and started dating someone just a few months after we split and the new GF was not happy with me being present for visitation. He ended up telling me he would not see his daughter again until I would allow him to see her without me being there. I told him that wouldn't happen without a court order. We were going through DHS for a DNA test and they refused to get involved. Problem being I was recently divorced and state law said that since my divorce wasn't final more than 300 days they considered my ex-husband her father. This gave her bio dad a way out. He jumped on and told his family that my ex was her father and there was nothing he could do. My ex-husband is listed on her birth certificate as her father and I will have to take her bio dad to court to correct it. He has threatened me that if I force him to take a DNA test to prove he is her father he will hire an attorney and fight for as much custody as he can get. During our dealings with DHS he was told he was looking at child support of about $1,000 a month so that is when he started talking about pursing custody thinking it would reduce his child support. He isn't doing it for the my daughters best interest. I haven't decided if I will pursue getting her birth certificate corrected for the risk that he would fight me. He does not pay child support and has in no way supported her. I run into his family because we live in a rather small town and it breaks my heart every time I see them knowing they have been lied to and have no idea she really is their granddaughter. Do I talk to his family? Do I force DNA with the risk of splitting custody with someone that doesn't want her?

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Carrie - posted on 05/16/2016

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Thank you for responding Sarah!

First off I didn't lie on her birth certificate. I listed her biological father but made the mistake of mentioning my prior divorce to the person helping me fill out my paperwork. She went back to her office and looked up my divorce and questioned me about the timing of my divorce and told me that state law required my ex-husband to be listed on the birth certificate because our divorce was not final for more than 300 days and wouldn't allow me to leave her biological father listed. If I had the choice I wouldn't have listed anyone at all.

I do believe his parents wanted a relationship with her initially and I think he has lied to them about the situation. His mother knows how to get in touch with me and has made no effort in contacting me since the initial meeting.

I'm still not clear on what is the right thing to do.

Carrie - posted on 05/16/2016

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Thank You for responding Evelyn!

My fear wouldn't be that he wouldn't give her back because I think he honestly doesn't want to have to even help raise a child. My fear is that he isn't capable of caring for a child. He has no other children and for my daughter who isn't even 2 this person will be a stranger to her. It will take some time to get her comfortable enough with this person to be left alone with him.

I didn't want to take him to court to get DNA and set up custody & child support, I only wanted to correct her birth certificate to get my ex-husband's name off. I have never asked for child support from him or ever expected him to be involved in her life.

His support could change if he started providing for her and started having over night visits with her. He knows that I have a 50/50 agreement with my ex-husband for our son and he doesn't pay support. We share 1/2 of all expenses and time with our child and her father has told me before he wanted the same deal.

He can fight for custody but he is only willing to do that if I force the issue. If I do nothing he will do nothing and not have to acknowledge her. I tried to get him to sign an acceptance of paternity which would keep us out of court and not force him to pay child support but he is refusing.

I understand he doesn't have to pay support but he has known since the day she was conceived she is his and he has never made an attempt to provide for her.

Judges here are very pro 50/50 relationships so unless I could prove he is unfit he will get some form of visitation and potential custody.

I was raised by my mother with a biological father that didn't want a relationship with me and his family was given an opportunity to have a relationship with me which they chose not to. I now have a very good relationship with my father but not with any of his family. I wouldn't want my daughter to grow up and think I kept her from her extended family. If any one of them wanted a relationship with her I wouldn't prevent it. I just don't want to force a court case to fight for custody with him knowing the only reason he is fighting or threatening to fight is to keep me from going this route and not for my daughters best interest. I have told him from day 1 that I would be willing to let him see her as often as he wanted and I never expected him to pay any child support.

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