wanting full custody but issues

Sammi - posted on 04/11/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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so i am one of the "stastics" i got pregnant by a military by who told me to get an abortion but i didnt we broke up and 2 weeks later he was engaged and now that our son is born he wants him full custody at that, my sis is also a single mom and so he said when he brings me to court hes gonna talk about how me and my sis are very bad parents cause we both had unprotected sex and i reminded him i didnt do it alone i had birh control he just didnt put forth the effort, but i guess y questiion is how did you mothers survive a custody battle when you rather not even have the father in your childs life cause all you do is fight

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Melissa - posted on 04/27/2009

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It's the biggest, and most often card played by an ex. Having unprotected sex made you a parent, but doesn't make you a bad parent, and it took two to tango here! He's just as guilty in that, if any guilt is to be had.



It would take him a LOT of time and a LOT of money to even TRY to persue full custody, and as long as you're not currently taking drugs, abusing the child, etc, HE has the burden of proof to find you an unfit parent in court, and this is very hard to do. I've even heard of active addicts not being declared unfit. The court does favor the mother, particularly in the "tender" early years. More importantly, they favor the status quo and who has been the primary caregiver, and that's you.



It's possible, depending on your state, that he could try for joint custody, but if you dont' get along, document everything. When parents don't get along very well, joint custody is a horrible idea because the two of you would have to work well together for decision-making, etc. He's likely to get some kind of graduated visitation that changes as the child gets older, but if you don't want to see the guy, you can always ask for a third party to handle this, or make the exchange at a neutral location. Look up legal aid services for your state... there are associations in every state that help provide free (pro bono) or very reduced cost services for things like this.

Kristy-Lynn - posted on 04/24/2009

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I was a single mom too and went through alot of this. My ex wanted me to abort, I didn't. He'd track me down over the next 7 years or so whenever it suited him. He'd threaten me all the time. Never paid child support or anything. I was afraid he'd take my daughter because he always threatned to, I didn't know my rights and his. He was in a relationship and had kids with another woman. I kept a journal of all the phone calls, visits, and time in between we didn't hear from him. I always let him see her because I thought couldn't say no and there were a few times he was the unfit parent on certain visits. Talk to a lawyer who will give it to you straight. I always got the ones who fed me all the legal terms and big words and I couldn't understand what they meant. Definately cover your butt and keep documenting!

Michelle - posted on 04/24/2009

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Well - I went through a "custody battle" where most of the battle took place outside the court room. He'd threaten me that he was going to take her and get custody because I was young (19 at the time). There were a lot of threats and bull thrown around - and what I have since learned is that - A. Your sister has nothing to do with custody. B. Having unprotected sex has no bearing on custody C. In order for someone to get FULL custody - they must be able to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the other parent is a DANGER to the child, either by neglect or abuse. And that is usually over a period of time, after you have gone through court appointed parenting classes and mediation, and counseling, and still are not a fit parent. Full custody is not something that a judge likes to grant. Courts do not like to take children away from their mothers. D. He's in the military - moving every couple years, deployments, providing your a fit parent, no judge in their right mind would give him full custody and finally, E. Sperm donors like to play head games - Ive heard and seen many guys say that exact same thing then don't follow through at all - its to much trouble and they really don't want to spend the time or money over the baby. They just like to mess with the woman's head.

Document everything he says - Do NOT engage in power struggles (if he calls and says he's going to get full custody, don't argue or get emotional, calmly say that you would be more then happy to work this out in the proper venues, i.e. in front of a judge, if he says you are not a good mother, say calmly that you are sorry he feels that way but that this is something that should be discussed in front of a judge), always throw the ball back in his court. Intimidation only works if it works you up. Keep a note book by the phone and record any threat, any unkind word said about you or the baby, and document any time he sees the baby.
That way IF he isnt bluffing to hurt you, you have a record. But stay calm and don't let him rattle you. Have faith in yourself as a mother and provide for your child.

Candice - posted on 04/24/2009

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having unprotected sex is no reason for you to lose custody. how pathetic. it's a scare tactic. who's been caring for the child since she was born? YOU. courts rarely take that lightly, and especially if the child is very young they will side with the PRIMARY caregiver..YOU. i agree about the paper trail, i wish i had made a better one. but try not to worry too much. you probably can't keep him out of the child's life (although we all sometimes wish we could) but you will not likely lose the child to him.

Jamie - posted on 04/11/2009

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I'm not a single mom. But i went though a custody issue with my husband and his ex. I would document every time he sees the child or calls. Paper trails are very useful. Shows who is doing what and who isn't. In my state just because someone in my family was a young single mom has nothing to do with the custody of the child. He also has to prove you are unfit to take care of the child. Like always putting the child in harms way. Neglecting the child. Get your friends or anyone you know to write an letter about your character. Get it notarized, when you go to court have your lawyer give them to the judge. Custody battles are very ugly. But Just because he is in the military doesn't mean he gets everything his way.

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