What do i do?

Christine - posted on 04/26/2009 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I'm new to circle of moms. I have an amazing 18 month old son that I adore. His father and I moved in togethor 5 months after meeting and I got pregnant 10 months after we met, totally on accident. Throughout our relationship he repeatedly tried to leave me at least 5 times while I was pregnant. I always managed to convince him to stay but he would try again every 6-8 weeks. I had long had suspicions there was cheating going on but no actual proof so I never saif anything. When our son was about 12 1/2 months old I discovered text messages to 2 other women on his phone, illicet messages to one and I love you messages to another. I confronted him and decided to move out. He swore to me it was all just talk so we had been working on it. Months later he finally admitted he had slept with his ex several times during our relationship including while I was pregnant. I told him we were totally over because of the cheating and the lying. He swears now he loves me more than anything and wants to make this family work more than anything. It has been months s ince the latest revelation. In that time he has been begging for another chance, however he has put up personal ads and been talking to other women. I am so confused because I want a family with a dad present but I don't know if he can ever be faithful or honest with me. He wants to be involved in our sons life no matter what the outcome between us is. Should I suck it up and try to make it work or am I better off going it alone?

12 Comments

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Ava - posted on 04/28/2009

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Seems like regardless of your decision, your still going to be "alone" in all of this. It's certainly not nice to hear, but it seems like he's had an itch to leave since even before the baby came, if he doesn't feel some real sense of responsibility now, he likely never will. You have a baby. You should be focused on your little one, not waiting around for him to get his act together. You say you want a family with a dad present, but do you want him present in body and mind, or just physically there? Regardless of your choice, your little one will see him as a role model, good or bad, and understand that this is the way to behave as a man and a father. How do you feel letting him grow up with that influence? I'm recently separated, so I know how guilty and bad a mother can feel initiating the separation of a child from a father. It's horrible. But it can be worth it if in the end, you are providing a better structure and future for the most important person in your life.

Nadene - posted on 04/28/2009

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NO! I was in a very similiar situation - in fact it could almost be the same guy by the sounds of things!! Do not take him back - he will only teach your precious baby how to disrespect women they way his father does. I am living on my own with my little boy and dad now wants to be part of it but I owe it to my baby to give him a peaceful happy home with lots of love and giggles. We have that and life couldn't be better. You will meet the perfect step-dad for your little man who'll honour your son more than his own father does. Stay strong.

Ilanit - posted on 04/28/2009

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Forget bbout him and move on, this relationship did start on the wrong foot. about the child, you can still maintain a father son relationship and let to your ex/partner to have him during the day on a regular basic. make a contact arrangment when/how long he can take him. your relationship story is nothing about his relationship with his child. in case the father don't want to do nothing with his child, well, sometimes is even better...move on, get a life and raise your child in a healthy happy environment. you still young you can start all over with the right person to love you and respact you. but you do need to put your life back on order, and start freash. Goos luck!

April - posted on 04/28/2009

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Oh wow honey... first off let me say I am so sorry that you are going through all this! I feel as though we are experiencing the same situation but in a different way. I met a man and fell in love very quickly. He said he loved me, wanted to marry me, etc. We ended up getting pregnant (which is a blessing for me). After we were together for four months he moved to CO for what was going to be a couple months to be close to his sons. Although I was suspicious, I couldn't say anything because who would blame a guy for wanting to be with his children. He was going to look for a house for us and after I had the baby we were going to move there together. A little over a month ago I got a phone call from an unknown number. I answered after several times of hitting ignore on my phone and it was his girlfriend/fiance. She asked me why I was calling him, sending pics and texts, etc. I told her everything. She told me they have been together for a couple years and own a house together. I felt like such an idiot and so betrayed as I am sure she did. I am a smart woman so why I believed any of his lies is beyond me! My friends and I totally pegged this guy wrong, plus love makes us blind. I do not know why men think they can play this game with women, but we as mom's need to teach our children better. I understand your want and need for an active daddy, and I don't blame you...We all want that! But just think about it. No one can tell you what to do or whats best for you and your baby. If you do allow him to come back make sure he knows your standards girlie!!! And if he slips up once I would let him go for good even though its easier said than done. Good Luck! If you need anything I am here for you! April

PS read Steve Harvey's new book!!!

User - posted on 04/28/2009

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I completly agree with Tiffany on this one. Although i learnt it the hard way, after my ex cheated on me thoughout my pregnacy we split up.When my daughter was born he kept telling me he would change and that he loved me and wanted to be a proper family, I decided to give it another go and 3 months down the line he started to see someone else again. Absolutly heart breaking and more fool me for going back and believing he would change. We had a rough few months as my duaghter picked up on all my feelings too.



Four years down the line we're doing great i have a wonderful partner who is a great father figure to her better than i could have asked for, and she still sees her father once a fortnight. Dont waste your time going backwards it will only cause you heart ache, there are better men out there who will be good to you and a great father figure.

Elizabeth - posted on 04/27/2009

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your baby is the most important person, you are young so you still get sucked in by the drama but you don't need to......take care of your son and let his dad spend time with him as long as he is good to him. forget about a relationship with the guy and b4 you know it someone else who's way better looking and way richer and funnier and smarter will come along sweep you off your fett and marry you all because you respected yourself enough to let go of a crappy drama filled sure thing and waited for mr right while just taking care of your beautiful baby boy!

Amanda - posted on 04/27/2009

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honestly the same this happened with my ex and i kept going back but i realized that not only did he put his child in danger by sleeping around when i was pregnant but all the stuff he did like talkign about leaving (just like your baby's dad) did not help and risked alot. as much as i wanted that perfect white picket fence husband and kids thing but after being alone for a while i realize im a better mom with out him. having someone there your not going to trust or your going to fight with and who's going to frusterate you or stress you out because your thinking "who's he calling where is he going is he really at work?" it takes away from your baby. in my opintion it is much better to go it alone. because you also have to think... if you can't trust him or he cheats and leaves then what? in a few years when your son is attached completely how much is it going to hurt your son to watch him leave? you deserve to be with someone who's going to treat you with respect.

Jacqueline - posted on 04/27/2009

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I think that the main thing you need to consider is your happiness and that of your child it's hard being a single mum but even harder when your down you don't need the added pressure of worrying if your man is being faithful. He clearly has a lot of growing up to do some men just aren't ready for all that my ex left me when i was pregnant with my son he simply was not ready to be a father it hasn't been easy on my own but i had alot of problems with my ex and it would never have been a happy enviroment for my child.I don't think you will ever be able to fully trust this man and without it you will never have a happy relationship that works your child can still have his father as a part of his life even if you don't work as a couple.Ive moved on with my life and met someone new and im alot happier and settled i hope you can work out what you want don't settle for ok your worth more wish you luck

Laura - posted on 04/27/2009

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Hi there, this is a hard one but I think personally it would be wrong to return to a man you can not trust and who obviously takes you for granted. I always suspected my ex for cheating, and he would sometimes be abusive. He slipped up one day after our split and admited to one person he had slept with. I think that you need to think of you and your sons happiness. I know you want a family life but happiness is more important and I think that you won't find it if you take the father back. Your son will sense the tension and worry. If you ever have doubts, look at your son and remember that you doing things for him and he is the one that matters. Leaving my ex was the best thing I did, my daughter is happier and so am I and if I ever think "are we ok?" I look at her and realise we are fine.



If the father wants to get involved then fine, decide a routine for him to see his son. Look into child maintenance so that he contributes towards payment for him. And if you still have problems, then seek legal advice on the matter. Be strong - we are single mums in similar situations and we all know how hard being a single mum is. Good luck

Tanya - posted on 04/26/2009

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Well I have a child with my ex. We live in different states so it is hard for him to coparent with me. When I left him it was because he had threateed to hurt me if I ever left him. Well as we can see I got away and I am doing just fine. Every so often he does call, the state takes care of child support so I do get money help. Other than that he really does not help.

Tiffany - posted on 04/26/2009

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Try not to think of this "man" as your ex, think of him as a coparent. Try seeing him in the light of being a father and he could make a good father just a horrible husband/boyfriend. Set up visitation and never say anything horrible about him infront of the children. He is obviously not ready to grow up. He is not mature enough to fathom reality. Let him mess up his own life, let him know that you don't want any part in it but he is to be a good dad when he has the babies. Please feel free to pm me if you want to chat! Hang in there, set your goals and strive for them. You can do it!

Joelle - posted on 04/26/2009

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I am not sure, I don't know him but I do know that guys can't figure out what they want till it all in their face! It was a little quick to have a child when you just move in. I can relate on it since I dated my baby dad for about 8months and on the last 3 month I broke up with him when I was pregnant. I understand but sometime it happens for a reason. In my experience & situation, my ex said give me a chance; I will work, be there, no more party ect. Now that our daughter 5 month in half he doesn’t even come regular or even support every month. After I knew I was pregnant of the last 3 months, I made my own decision to be a single mom because I didn't feel the same way, since he had lied & made promises. I was unhappy.



Ask yourself theses questions? BF-> Does he treats you good & take care of you when you are sick? Does he respect you when alone or around family? Do I have doubts that he will come around do same? Does he support me for money or anything you do? If he really loves you he wants to talk to you about the future, knows what he wants in 5 years & marry you too. Tell yourself do you want to be with him for the rest of your life or have a fun, wonderful life with joy & happiness that someone who really cares about you?



He can be honest & change but make him prove it to you like I did? Ask him to give you space and do things without you asking? If he goes HUH? I don’t know what you want? Really his scared of trying or doesn’t even want to. its how you really feel. I am sure there up and down. I am just giving you my opinion & there are many other people out there who care for you & maybe someone who want to be with you.



Hope it all goes well and if you need any support message me. I’ be glad to help you out!

Joelle

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