What do i tell them?

Hannah - posted on 03/10/2009 ( 5 moms have responded )

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My husband and i are in the middle of a divorce after 5yrs together but only

7 months of marriage.... he had an affair with a 15 year old hes looking at going to prison for plus countless others...we have a two year old and one due this june, he no longer wants to have a family, he'd rather party. what do i say when they ask why mommy and daddy arent together? i dont believe in cheating, why commit yourself if you cant be monogamous? i didnt believe in divorce until this happened.... do i tell them the truth so that their morals get more grounded and know where i stand from or do i sugar coat it? im still angry and bitter and know i have a while before they ask but want to be prepared.

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While they are very young, they want or need all the answers, so when they ask, you should try to "hear" their question, and only answer that specific question as appropriate for their age. Then over time as they ask other questions you will add more information to your answers. The older they get, the more details they will want. Give it to them straight, and be prepaired for a conversation to develop as a result. This will give them a real sense of who they are, and build/establish your relationship with your children.

Julia - posted on 03/10/2009

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Wow!! Im am so sorry you must be devastated. Your kids will be just fine as long as you are there for them. You should be happy that this happened now and not five yrs from now. your kids are still so young and have time to adjust. I have a lil boy who just turned 6 last month. I am raising him all by myself. Me and his father were together for 9 yrs and we fell out of love with each other. I just tell my son that mommy and daddy are much happier when we dont live together and that we love him very much. I think when your kids reach the teenage yrs maybe then they could understand the truth. It is there fathers loss that he doesnt want to be in their life. But maybe they are better off this way. Do you have family close by to help? I know you loves your babies very much and if they have that they are so lucky. I am so sorry for your loss. Let me know how I can help



Julia

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When they get older and I mean 5 and beyond is when you can talk about what happened and they need to hear the truth. Right now your 2 year old will just need you to be consistent and provide a stable environment for him. Give him lots of love and affection, dont change anything, keep it the same until you and him gets through this. I would recommend you going and having some counseling just so you can grow from this experience and going through your loss of what you lost as a family, marriage. I know it is hard, but you will get through it. Do you have many friends and family to help you with the children and be there for you? That will be very helpful and if you dont, I would reach out to get some support. Try meetups.com and yahoogroups.com also you might check out support groups at churches or even divorcecare.com

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Heather - posted on 03/10/2009

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I believe in partial sugar coating and truth in this situation why I say this is to protect their innocence and also yourself. Your children are young and they maynot understand all that you are telling them for one and for 2 what you are telling them could sometimes be repeated to others because kids don't know when things should be kept within the family. I my suggestion would be when they ask is to tell them that their daddy had made a mistake that mommy is very upset with him for doing and a mistake that got him trouble. Little ones understand being upset and they understand trouble. As they get a little bit older esplain your morals with cheating and explain that this is why you and their daddy are no longer together. Yes I believe in telling the children the truth but I feel that there is a good time to do it. I agree with one of the post about going to seek counceling to help you get through this trying time in your life and maybe he/she could give you some in site on how and when would be a good time to spaek to your children about what happened. Good luck to you and I hope you can get past the feelings of bitterness and move on to a long and happy life

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