What if "daddy" comes back in our lives?

Betsy - posted on 04/24/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Im 21 years old and my son will be three in June. His father was in and out of his life the first year and a half. He would call every six months or so and see Nick for a week or two. I have been with my boyfrind now for a little over a year and at the begining of our relationship Nicks father had come to see him. When my boyfrind got there my son went running to him yelling his name and jumped in his arms. His father has not even called since. I don't know if he knows that i was sick of him coming and going and that if he tries again i will take him to court so he has to do supervised visits that way if he misses one he wont get to see him anymore, or if he just doesn't care. I don't know if that is the right thing to do but its going to hurt nick if he keeps coming and going. Also my boyfrind loves him to death and wants to have him call him daddy if nick wants to. Is this the right thing to do or should i just let him come and go as he pleases?

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i wouldnt let him come and go as he pleases... if you havent heard/seen him in over a year.. then im thinking its safe to say hes probably not gonna come back.... and if he knows your boyfriend as someone that will be there and love him and will call him daddy and if your boyfriend is gonna step up to be a father to him ... it will only hurt your son more and more if the real 'father' keeps coming and going.

Sarah - posted on 04/25/2009

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hiya i am a single mum of 3 whos dad walked out of their life.he has been offered contact center visits which he refuses.and hasnt been in contact with them in a long time.he now is married playing happy famillies with his wife and her 4 kids which makes me sick

sarah

Angela - posted on 04/25/2009

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I am a 40 year old woman with 3 kids and have faced the absent father issue since the day my oldest was born (she's now 20). The bottom line is that you have to do what is best for your child, ALWAYS. I would most definitely set up something through the court system. That way, you aren't the one responsible for making the decision every time your ex chooses to pop in and out of your child's life. Sounds like chances are that he won't want to bother with so much responsibility. He will, however, still be responsible for paying you child support. I wouldn't have him call your boyfriend daddy yet though. Wait until you and your boyfriend have made your relationship more permanent. My poor nieces have been through 10 "daddies" in the past few years and each time one leaves their lives, it is devastating. It sounds like you truly have your child's best interest at heart and that's really all we can do as mothers. Just keep doing what you are doing and keep loving your child.

Tina - posted on 04/24/2009

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Coming & going is no good for the child. a 3yo needs routnie & stability. I went & got a parenting plan through relationships australia. It helped alot when my boy knew when daddy was going to visit. You need to find out if the father really wants to know the child or if only coming back when he feels guilty. If you contact & suggest the parenting plan to him you will find out how he feels about your child. You cant let it go on as is as it will just upset your boy more as he gets older, he will start thinking that there is something wrong with him. Once that idea is in thier head, its hard to make them believe that there is no problem with them.

Tara - posted on 04/24/2009

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My exhusband is the same way with our 2 daughters (ages 6 & 3). He has gone months without ever calling or having any contact, and my boyfriend is amazing with them. However, I can't really control the actions of their father, and he still has his rights which in part means that he can come and go as he pleases. Granted I make it perfectly clear I don't appreciate it. I also document every time he does have contact, so there is documentation for the courts to see. In regards to your son calling your boyfriend "daddy," that's your own personal choice, but when my youngest started calling my boyfriend "daddy" we stated "he loves you like a daddy, but he's jay." Again, this has a lot to do with the courts for us. If their father ever did sign his rights away, then it would be a different situation. Only you know what's best for your unique situation though.

Sara - posted on 04/24/2009

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I also grew up without a father (history repeated itself here) so I can only tell you from my experience. My father would come in and out of our lives for 6 months, leave for about 1 year back in for 3 months... and the pattern continued. It usually had to do with who he was seeing or not seeing at the time. My point... when he came I was daddy's little girl, I wanted so bad to be good enough so my father wouldn't leave again. It never failed there would be one Saturday I would get up early, get ready and wait sitting looking out the window anxious for my father to come see me, wondering if it would happen that week. Feeling that I wasn't good enough for him, wondering why he didn't want to see me. As I got older I wished he was dead... because if this makes any sence... because if he was dead it wouldn't be his choice not to see me, but being alive he was choicing it.

My point in this story is I will never allow my daughter's father to walk in and out of her life. She needs to be a priority to him, and if she a priority then he is nothing to her. I will not deal with my daughter having the same heart break as I did. I will only tell her of the love I thought her father and I shared, and how much I love her.

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