what should i tell him about his dad??

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Michelle - posted on 04/23/2009

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My daughter and I have talked about this extensively - and biggest advice - and most important - that I can give is to NEVER EVER EVER EVER make it about the child, EVER. Because it isn't - and the psychological damage that can be done to child by thinking some thing was wrong with them to make their daddy not want them is irreversible and devastating.

What I tell my daughter is the absolute truth - your dad just wasn't ready to be a dad. It had nothing to do with you, because you are the most beautiful, charming girl in the world. Some times grown ups grow up in their bodies but the don't grow up all the way in their heads. It wasn't because he didn't want you - because he doesn't know how amazing you are. But I love you enough for both mommy and daddy and we are going to do great things together.

And I always leave it open to her - if she wants to ask questions - I answer them - in the most positive way possible. If she asks details about her dad - I tell her the good things - even if they are limited - and tell her that anything else she wants to know we can talk about, but somethings she will just need to wait until when she's a grown up like mommy.

She will be 7 next month and I've always been approachable but positive - and I always reinforce that I love her enough to be a mommys and daddys if thats what she needs. And now - she barely asks anymore. When other kids ask her she boldly says that her dad lives in another state and that not all kids need a dad to have a happy family.

Rachel - posted on 04/23/2009

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I told my son that I wanted him too much to share him with anyone. It works fine for when they are young, but as they get older they will want to know more. But hey, it buys you some time and lets your son know that he is the most important thing in your world. My son told all his friends that his mommy loved him too much to share him with anyone!

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Claire - posted on 05/06/2009

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my daughter father is not in the pic also. but when my daughter gets older and asked me about her father. the only thing i know what i am going to do is tell the truth. i will never lie to my daughter or anything because if you do then your child will hate you in the long one i belive. my daughter father is a dead beat daddy. he knows how to make babies but taken care of them thats another story. the only thing he gave me is a great baby girl that is my whole world. i love her to death

Anna - posted on 05/06/2009

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Michelle thank you for your post! my son is only 3 months old right now and his father is slightly involved but not every day or even close. i worry all the time, what i will say to him when the time comes and he asks who his father is or why he isn't around more. As sad as it is, i'm glad to know I'm not the only mom dealing with this huge issue!

Stacey - posted on 05/05/2009

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Definately do not say that the father didn't want the child (even if that's true). You have to think about the child. When he/she is older you can go more in-depth with why some people don't want to be a parent... but don't let the child ever believe it has something to do with them! My son has rarely asked about his father (whom he has never met). His father left town shortly after his birth, and often I have no idea where he is. I've told my son his father lives far away for now because he accepts this answer and doesn't question it any further. As he gets older, I'm sure he'll ask more questions; but for now, it's about showing him how much I love and want him.

Louisa - posted on 05/05/2009

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That is hard. I have 2 sons, 14 and 15. My oldest son's father left when I was 3 months pregnant and has never seen him. I have always been honest with him. I told him from the time he started asking that his dad just didn't want to be with me anymore and never looked back. When he was about 12 he wanted to find him so we went online and looked for him..he lives in another state. After one night of that he decided he didn't want to do it. I have always told him if he wants to find him I will help him. His father has never paid a dime of support. He says when he is an adult he is going to sue him for back child support so I can get paid back for everything I gave him that "the loser" did not help with. I told my 14 year old's father to leave when Jordan was 4. Both boys remember him and they know why he is no longer around. His brothers are wonderful with my sons and accept both of them as their nephews which is nice for them. Occassionally if they mention him, I am honest...he just can't even take care of himself, much less a child. He did the most selfless thing he could in letting me raise the 2 of them to become the most amazing children a mother could ask for.



When I went through cancer surgery 2 years ago, they took care of me better than anyone else ever could have. They took turns camping on my bedroom floor to get up with me and help me. They cooked and cleaned and made sure I was not alone until the dr released me.



If you are honest with them, they will appreciate it. Honest being the key word, put your own feelings aside and try not to put a negative spin on it as much as you want to. I know it is hard, but in the end...you will be glad you did.



Good luck!

Pauline - posted on 05/05/2009

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Quoting Becca:

SIGH..... i know how you feel. my kids are 6,4, and 3 and are starting to wonder. i left my ex husband because of domestic abuse and he had seen his parents fight and his father beat the crap out of his mother. so... of course he started in on me... (yes i stayed i thought i could change but then i left b/c of the kids) so men are just sperm donors... there i said it! hate me for it or love me for it! it's just how i feel!!! my ex husband and i were married for 5 years and we have been divorced for close to 3 years. we have not spoken to him since thanksgiving 2007. he got mad b/c the older two kids were calling him "sean" on the phone instead of "daddy!" that title is earned! sorry peeps it just is!

i am not bitter at him.... nor did i go into a marriage thinking i would be 27 w/ 3 kids under the age of 6 right now. we have not seen him but they still wonder. i just let them know that he is a very busy man. i am sure he thinks about them (no lie... everytime he pays me mucho money in childsupport each month I AM SURE THEY CROSS HIS MIND! LOL) and that i love them sooooo much and if they ever want to talk to him i will let them call. they have not asked to call. and i honestly don't have his phone #. i would just call his mama and let them talk to her and see what she has to say. his family is a bunch a jerks. (not biased) they told me i should give up the 3 kids and try prostitution b/c i would never make it in this world.... GAS TO MY FIRE! I AM MAKING IT AND STRONGER FOR IT! :)

be honest w/ you kido mama. i don't tell them anything bad about their father... i know they are smart enough to figure out he is an a**hole on their own when they are grown! til that time i will continue to love, learn, and value the BEST part of my ex husband! MY BEAUTIFUL KIDS! ;-)


 

Andrea - posted on 05/05/2009

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Oh the question I'm so dreading!!! My daughter is 2 1/2 and the father has never been in the picture. He broke up with me before I ever new I was pregnant. I made the decision that I didn't want him a part of her or my life and actually have no idea where he is.



I am in a serious relationship with the most wonderful man. He came into our life when my daughter was 4 months old. I kept him away from her for a long time till I new this was going to be something real. He adores her and calls her his daughter. We have talked about marriage and the future at great length. So I know he will be the only father she knows....but that doesn't mean she shouldn't know the truth at some point about her birth father. I just hope she won't hate me. I pray she realizes I did this because he was not ready to be a father and always told me if I got pregnant he wanted me to have a abortion. Well sorry that's not me.

Becca - posted on 04/24/2009

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sorry type-o i meant SOME men are just sperm donors NOT so men are sperm donors lol big difference! lol

Becca - posted on 04/24/2009

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SIGH..... i know how you feel. my kids are 6,4, and 3 and are starting to wonder. i left my ex husband because of domestic abuse and he had seen his parents fight and his father beat the crap out of his mother. so... of course he started in on me... (yes i stayed i thought i could change but then i left b/c of the kids) so men are just sperm donors... there i said it! hate me for it or love me for it! it's just how i feel!!! my ex husband and i were married for 5 years and we have been divorced for close to 3 years. we have not spoken to him since thanksgiving 2007. he got mad b/c the older two kids were calling him "sean" on the phone instead of "daddy!" that title is earned! sorry peeps it just is!



i am not bitter at him.... nor did i go into a marriage thinking i would be 27 w/ 3 kids under the age of 6 right now. we have not seen him but they still wonder. i just let them know that he is a very busy man. i am sure he thinks about them (no lie... everytime he pays me mucho money in childsupport each month I AM SURE THEY CROSS HIS MIND! LOL) and that i love them sooooo much and if they ever want to talk to him i will let them call. they have not asked to call. and i honestly don't have his phone #. i would just call his mama and let them talk to her and see what she has to say. his family is a bunch a jerks. (not biased) they told me i should give up the 3 kids and try prostitution b/c i would never make it in this world.... GAS TO MY FIRE! I AM MAKING IT AND STRONGER FOR IT! :)



be honest w/ you kido mama. i don't tell them anything bad about their father... i know they are smart enough to figure out he is an a**hole on their own when they are grown! til that time i will continue to love, learn, and value the BEST part of my ex husband! MY BEAUTIFUL KIDS! ;-)

Zoe - posted on 04/24/2009

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im not in this situation yet as my little girl hasnt been born yet but im dreadding the time when it comes of her asking where her daddy is, and i really dont know what im going to say. hes even said he wants a dna test because he doesnt believe she is his but i havent slept with anyone else so i dont know whats made him say all this. ive got 1 month and 1 week left but thanks for the ideas guys it really does help. good luck for the future all of you x

Melony - posted on 04/24/2009

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I am in the same situation with my 15month old little girl, she is still to young to ask these questions but I know that the day will come that, that dreaded question will be coming my way!! But I trust in God to put the right words in my mounth at the time!! Thanx for all the ideas too. Really helps!! Good luck to you all!

Amanda - posted on 04/23/2009

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I have this problem with my 4 year old daughter on like a monthly basis. She wants to know why she doesn't have a dad, and asks where hers is. And asks why her last name is different than mine. What works for me until she's older and I can explain the truth to her.. I tell her that sometimes things don't work out the way you would like them to, and some family's have a daddy and some don't. And it's fun just having us girls.. that seems to appease her enough to change the subject. It's so heartbreaking though :(

Jessica - posted on 04/23/2009

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That is very sad for me to read!! I have to children with no dads so I get to tell them both why there dads arent around. And my daughter is 3 & is starting to say daddy when playing with toys. She must see it on tv. And she asked me one day out of no where mom whos my dad? I didnt know what to say so I said what? Then she asked me something else. But I know the day will come when she really wants to know & I just dont want her hurt. And to think of when she goes to school kids asking her about her daddy I think thats really sad!!

Rachel - posted on 04/23/2009

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This is one im havin a really hard time with, my daughter is now 4 and hasnt seen her father since she was two weeks old. he lives in another state and wants nothin to do with her. She has been askin lately why she doesnt have a daddy and all her friends do. That is very hard to hear your child ask.. I wish there was an easy way to handle things like this...

Nadya - posted on 04/23/2009

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that really sucks. my son's dad lives in another country so that saves me from all awkward encounters. he supports my son financially which is good.

Leanne - posted on 04/23/2009

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yeah its deffinately a hard one. My sons dad still lives in the same city i always worry what i would do or say if i ever saw him. The worst part of it is knowing one day I'll have 2 tell my son that his dad just didnt want him.

Nadya - posted on 04/23/2009

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my son just also asked where his daddy is. it gets more difficult now that he's 5 and more aware of what's happening around him. i honestly don't know how to reply to my son. this is a major dilemma for most of us i think. :(

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