Will I ever find someone that love's both my son and I?????

Lisa - posted on 02/15/2009 ( 25 moms have responded )

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I was druged and raped in oct 2007 and when you tell any one that they tend to run. I'm 22 years old and my son is 9 months he is starting to call my dad daddy and my brother daddy. it going to be hard when my son ask me where is my DADDY and well i want to tell him the truth but not till he is 11 years old. what do i do????

25 Comments

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Bernie - posted on 04/26/2009

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I'm not sure if there is a prince charming out there for all of us but one thing I do know is that I love my children & they love me. At least when it is just my children & I there is no late night arguing, being pushed to the ground in front of them, being told to get the f**** out of his house or that I'm an unwelcome guest. Children need stability in their lives and being their moms we can give them that. As far as telling your son about his dad you don't have to tell him the whole truth but a bit of it, like the 2 of you met up & he went away or something like that.

Kristy-Lynn - posted on 04/26/2009

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I was a single mom of three! I was convinced that I was going to spend my life alone. I had been through so many bad relationships and started to think that the problem was really me. That somehow I was not good enough or desrving enough. I then thought, there is no way that someone is going to want me with 3 kids. I knew it had been possible for others but not for me. I had to just let go of the past and learn to accept and like myself enough to let someone else as well. (I had been drugged but not raped thank goodness, but had been raped previously when I was 12. It is a very scary thing and hard to deal with) I joined e-harmony and it was the best thing I ever did in my life. It makes so much sense. My husband is so absolutely wonderful! And he is 3 times the man I thought I was getting. My kids love him and we just had our 4th baby. If you're looking for "the one" that is the way to go! Its safe, gives you alot more choices in mates, and it really does find the ones compatible for you and what you want in life. No more having to go on dates just to find they are wrong for you. You can take all the time you need to get to know them through guided communication through the website and eventually e-mails, then phone calls and so on...... And you know that they are on there for the same reason because they took the time to fill out the questionaire which takes about 45 minutes and you can see who you are matched with but can't communicate with any of them unless you buy a membership. So if the guy is doing all this you can be sure he's there because he wants to find the one. So if you are having a tough time with what happened to you find help! Try to heal and then you'll be able to find what you're looking for. Good luck hun!

Betsy - posted on 04/24/2009

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Im 21 and my son is about to turn three in june. His father was in and out of his life for the first year and a half. About every six months he would see him for a week or two then dissapear. I met my current boyfriend march of 08'. I think it was like july and my sons dad was visiting after contacting my mom cause he knew i was done with the in and out stuff he was pulling. we were outside playing when my boyfriend showed up and my son went running to him yelling his name and jumped in his arms. Lets just say his father has not been around since then. I too thought i would never find someone who loves us both. Its been a little over a year now and we are a happy family. We are now trying to get my son to call him daddy. Its really scarry worrying that one day he will come back in our lives. I just want to let you know to hang on and wait cause the right guy will come along who loves you both and will respect you and your son. Dont give up!

Stacey - posted on 04/23/2009

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Thank to all of you beautiful strong, single mommies! My son's Dad has 5 children with 5 women, which I found out after he bailed. He pays his child support & we are just fine without him! It does get lonely but I have wonderful supportive friendships that endure ..........and God is on my side!! And when the day comes that my son asks about him, I will tell him that his daddy just wasn't ready to be a daddy - he hadn't grown up to be a man yet.

Jennifer - posted on 04/23/2009

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my daughters father is not in her life she will be 3 in june and when she asks about her daddy i tell her you dont have a daddy you have a poppop and that makes you extra special

Chiazor - posted on 02/27/2009

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I am sorry for what you have been through. I thought I was the onyl one experienceing this my daughter calls my brother, uncles, guy friends and even waiters in retaurraunts daddy. Its embarrasing! Her dad is not in her life but used to visit every now and then and we visit as well. But hasnt seen her in over 6 months. It makes me feel like when she calls other men daddy liek she is screaming out to everyone that she doesn't ahve her around and is missing him so much. It makes me cry all the time. I think what happened you is unfortunate but I don't think you son will be able to handle news like that till he is an adult. as a teenager he made bottle up alot of hatred and anger and may not fully understand it is not his fault. Good Luck:)

Angelina - posted on 02/26/2009

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Hi Lisa, God love you, what a horrible ordeal you must have gone through.  I'm a ingle mum, my son's dad does not have any contact anymore (he left when our son was  months, he's now 14 months) My litttle boy calls my sisters husband Daddy! I dont mind this at all.  You dont need to tell your son the truth untill YOU feel he's ready to hear and understand it., its hard to put an age on that as every child is different. When he starts to ask questions just make something up like "he's working", just pass it off like its no big deal, he'll soon give up asking. It will be a dificult day when you do decide to tell him the truth, probably for you more than him. In the mean time just continue to shower him with your love and help him to grow up to be a secure and happy young child. Best of luck to you. 

Tonya - posted on 02/25/2009

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Kristen
I kind of in the same boat with you. My son is 6, and has not been asking me about it yet. I will NEVER tell him that his dad did not care about him. I will just say that he moved (which is true). I just don't think that you should say that to your child. It could bring his self-esteem, and self worth down so just be careful. Hopes this helps.

Tonya - posted on 02/25/2009

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Quoting Kristen:



The father of my child (Due this April) left me as soon as I found out I was expecting. Knowing the goals and dreams I had already set for myself, I chose not to abort the preganncy but to hold on and see it through.






I also am struggling with how to tell my son when he is old enough that his dad doesn't want him. The guy has a previous child and will probably go onto having more children, but I am lost when it comes to how I'm going to tell him why his dad doesn't love him or want anything to do with his existance.






I would love to tell him his dad died, or make up some other lame excuse, but if the man decides to pop back in ten years, I will be such a liar to my son.






How do I explain this to him? I know it was my choice to keep the baby, and I should just have to deal with it, but is there anyway I can make the suffering less when telling him "daddy doesn't give a rats ass about you hun"????





 

Amanda - posted on 02/20/2009

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ok Kristen......first good for you for keeping the baby and second you shouldnt JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH ANYTHING!!!!

when the time comes to tell him ... which is probably about 2 years away just simply tell him that you and dad didnt get along anymore and you never know in 2 years your child may have a father!!!

dont stress about things unless you have control over things!!!! my mom always tells me everything happens for a reason so if you believe that you should know that you will be an incredible mom and always do the right thing for your child whether it may seem like it or not!!!!!

Kristen - posted on 02/20/2009

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The father of my child (Due this April) left me as soon as I found out I was expecting. Knowing the goals and dreams I had already set for myself, I chose not to abort the preganncy but to hold on and see it through.



I also am struggling with how to tell my son when he is old enough that his dad doesn't want him. The guy has a previous child and will probably go onto having more children, but I am lost when it comes to how I'm going to tell him why his dad doesn't love him or want anything to do with his existance.



I would love to tell him his dad died, or make up some other lame excuse, but if the man decides to pop back in ten years, I will be such a liar to my son.



How do I explain this to him? I know it was my choice to keep the baby, and I should just have to deal with it, but is there anyway I can make the suffering less when telling him "daddy doesn't give a rats ass about you hun"????

Anne - posted on 02/20/2009

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My husband had an affair that resulted in another baby who was born before our second child(my son). I couldnt handle being with him anymore after that and because of that he decided to eventually just stop coming around. My son is 4 now and doesnt remember their dad and if you ask him he will tell you, " I dont have a DAD, I have a PAPA!" Their Papa is my dad. He went through the whole calling all men daddy too, it will pass. As long as he has good male romodels he will be fine. And just be honest with him, give him the answers he is ready for, you dont have to spill all. And be patient, learn that you dont need anyone but you, be strong, Mr. Right will come eventually.

Tonny - posted on 02/20/2009

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stay strong girl, you will be just fine, like Rosemary said, love you and your son, make sue your guys are happy, after that someone special will come along and will the both of you.... I have 2 boys of which i broke up with their dad about 3 years ago....

i went on with my life, went our with freinds and had fun, right now, im with a man who love me and the boys.....:)

TREON - posted on 02/20/2009

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just know everything is gonna be alright....GOD makes no mistakes your son has a purpose for being here (GOD won't put no more on you than you can bare). don't be ashamed of what happened to you because as long as you are a great mom that's all that matters. there's nothing wrong with being a single mom and if a guy can't accept you for who you are and what you have been through that just means he can't handle a strong woman so lift your head high and walk in authority because GOD mad and designed you, for that you are a woman of GOD!!!

Jodie - posted on 02/20/2009

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I completly understand my story similar (domestic violence) I often think the same I am 22 and have a 1 year old I often wonder what I will do when he asks and just figure I will be honest and explain as simple as I can for him to understand.



I also think that if someone really likes you they will stay and dont tell them straight away about it say nothing until they ask and only tell them a little bit. I am scared about being in a relationship, are you??

Lisa - posted on 02/17/2009

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Well I lived in Ohio for a bit but know I live in Adrian MI, and Were are you from

Melony - posted on 02/17/2009

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Lisa, I am 28 and have a daughter that 1, I was engaged to be married and Meegan was planned, when I entered the 2nd month of my PG her dad hit me, so I packed my stuff and left. I just think that you shouldnt overthink this. kaleb is still very small and wont understand or talk to soon. But you know what, when the time comes and the dreaded question does come your way, God will put the right words in your mouth. So if I were you I would just pray and enjoy every moment with tha5t precious little boy of yours!! Your time will come, you'll see!!

Love

Mel

Lisa - posted on 02/16/2009

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Amanda I would enjoy talking to you. I believe that we are both going though what seems like the same thing. I think that we both can help each other.

Lisa - posted on 02/16/2009

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I'm glad that you have found someone for you and your daughter. my thing is that i'm scared, that if i dont find someone before Kaleb gets old then the question is bond to come up sooner or later. I really dont want to tell Kaleb when he is so young.

Lianne - posted on 02/16/2009

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i split from my daughters father when she was 6mnths old and i was single until september last year my daughter is ready 2 turn six in april!!! i never thought id find any1 who wanted us as a package but it just shows waiting does pay off as ive found my prince afterkissing many frogs xxx

Busisiwe - posted on 02/16/2009

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i know how you feel, my baby is 21 months old and i often feel completely exasperated at the though of finding someone and them loving us both. these kind of forums are so helpful - at least we know that we are not alone.

Amanda - posted on 02/15/2009

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I hear ya loud and clear i sk myself that all the time!!! I am a single mom who is also 22 and my daughter is 10 months!!! People are always telling me that someone will come along but i understand how you feel!!!!! If you ever wanna chat just drop me a line!!!!

[deleted account]

the older they get the harder it is for them to handle. With that said, being as honest as you can is going to be better than trying to sugar coat it. not that you have to tell him what happened, but just being very to the point that the "dad" is not around. Right now I'm in a blended family and my boyfriend love my son very much and considers himself his dad. Blended families take a lot of time and you can't just "love" someone overnight. Those things take time to develop but there are good guys out there. make sure you do what's right for yourself as well as for your son. Do what you can to improve yourself and make yourself happy and someone will recognize that and appreciate you and your child! Be strong, being a single mom is hard but that's why we're all here to give you support!

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