Abandoned

Aisha - posted on 06/06/2013 ( 8 moms have responded )

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Hi.

Just want some advice please on how to deal with husband who has gone abroad.

I have 5 children including a teenager, a toddler and a new baby, so my husband deciding to go was a bad time, but in the end we agreed 4-5 wks would be ok..since he hasn't seen his mother for a few years.

After our discussion he went behind my back and booked his visit for 8 weeks?!

I couldn't believe it, I was soooo upset I mean its a looooong time to cope on my own, plus I would miss him soo much. I don't want to be without him that long. I insisted he change the date and he said he would when he got over there. I trusted he would do the right thing.

He didn't pay the bills before he went, do a big food shop or leave me any money. Told me to do what u want..borrow from someone..he simply dumped me right init with everything. Our children to take care, housework, shopping, bills, school runs, appointments etc...

Surprise surprise when he got there and a few weeks passed, he rang to tell me he would stay there, he might as well now hes there!!

Hes not asked how im coping. Even though I told him no ones been around. I have to leave the youngest two home alone in the cot when I do the school run, or go shops. Which kills me, but I have noonne who would help me out EVERYDAY! That person would have to move in!! if I get desperate I have to "DUMP" the kids with family but they have their own stuff...

It breaks my heart that the kids are suffering and hes not bothered. Hes travelling and enjoying himself while im running around keeping on top of everything! I also feel hurt like hes betrayed me. I trusted him. I don't think I want him back now. I told him not to bother coming back...

What do I do? Please help?

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[deleted account]

@ Miss Mal P that was such a great comment and good advice! Aisha, I really hope you will find a way to take that advice. I pray things are going better for you and your family. I will keep your husband and your entire situation in my prayers.

Miss MaL - posted on 06/14/2013

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when two are married you become one, its normal to feel a sense of loss and hurt. I know the pain often makes us feel as though we should "move on" but you have to heal and work through all those feelings. I don't know where you stand on beliefs about God or anything, but Prayer works. God will come to you if you ask him to help you. Just give yourself time and try your best to be positive and ask for help when you need it.

Anita - posted on 06/11/2013

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Aisha,
I am reading your story and I feel so sad, that you don't want to change the locks, and serve him papers, or club him to death.
All these selfish things he has done, makes me wonder, what exactly you're missing about him. Does he help you when he is around, except for being a body in the house while you go grocery shopping?? Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is neglect and possibly financial abuse, (withholding money), and if I am reading between the lines correctly, I am sure there are more types of abuse happening, emotional abuse, physical? towards the kids, or you?
I wouldn't have given such a selfish man, 5 children. Do one thing, please don't have any more children with this man. This incident cannot be the first time you are seeing this kind of selfish action. A person doesn't suddenly become rotten overnight.
Life is not a romantic movie, and if he's not going to be responsible, you are going to have to be responsible for the stability of your kids.

At first it is difficult to cope, but to me it sounds like, you are absolutely able to take care of your kids without him there.

Just remember, if you let him back in, you'll be stuck with him. I think what you need more than a lousy husband, is some good female friends/relatives to help you with babysitting. Maybe there are some people in your church/religious place who would be willing to help out?

There were four kids in my family, and my father hadn't seen his mother in 16 years, but he never left my mother alone to go visit his mommy. To him, he had four kids, he couldn't just leave his wife and kids, and he never did. And if I haven't seen my son in a few years, and he tells me he's going to leave his wife and 5 kids to come visit me, I would send him on the first flight back. What kind of family does this man have, that condones this irresponsible behaviour? In some communities I have seen that no matter what a man does, its okay because he's the man, and the woman should solely be responsible for taking care of the kids. Do you know what I think about this? Nonsense! Complete and utter bs. I am afraid that this kind of man would make me plan his suffocation with a supersize downy pillow in his sleep..

Big big hugs Aisha, you are a strong lady, and I know in my gut that you can handle this by yourself if you have to. There is a famous saying "necessity is the mother of all invention". You are the mother. Invent your solution. I wish you strength and courage in the face of this difficult journey.

Dannica - posted on 06/11/2013

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I say if you're doing it without him then STAY without him! It'll be tough but it sounds like he's only adding to the stress and doing what he wants anyways like a big kid. Let him stay away. Figure out work and money and get a solid routine down, get help from whoever you can even your teenager. Get assistance if you need it, that's what its there for sweetie! He'll become one less thing to take care of. I'm sure you love him but that love drains you of the strength and courage you need for your children. You are doing this! Keep it up! He won't change. Letting him back will only show him that this was acceptable behavior and he'll end up doing it again. You and your children deserve better! If not for you then for them! Show them how strong you are! And that your family needs and deserves loving and dedicated members only. Its his loss. I'm sorry that he doesn't see it

Beverly - posted on 06/09/2013

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Let him stay gone, that is cruel, unless he agrees to get counseling, im fighting to save my marriage as well, and going thru bs, it is extremely lonely i understand , believe me.
But if you dont want him back, i can understand and wish i had your courage and guts, i need that in me, im fighting everyday to stand on my own two feet, behind on bills and everything, again if you dont, take him to court and make him pay. He will have to pay, . let us know

Aisha - posted on 06/07/2013

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Thanks for replying...
I know its a sad situation especially when husband does what he wants whenever without a thought about his kids..
Money wise I had been saving for the kids so that really helped me out-luckily.
I regularly get tax credits (which he wants control of) so I can manage. But that's not the point, he works and the least he should have done is pay the bills especially if hes going for that long right? My friends husband went on holiday for 2 WEEKS, and paid all the bills, did a big shop and left some money behind!! My husband is coming back but altogether hes away for EIGHT WEEKS!! that's a looong time isn't it..
I only leave the youngest when they are asleep, and am gone only 10 mins max. I do a big shop when the oldest kids are at school so I take the youngest with me..
I wish I could go for just a week and see how he would cope..but I would NEVER have the heart to do that to my kids, or myself! id be an emotional wreck!!!
I am strong and found its not that bad without him at home. Its sooo stress free, theres no one putting me down, shouting at the kids, demanding this and that. I do what I want when I want at home..but I still do miss and (stupidly don't know why) love him. I just wish he cared more if not for me then at least the kids. I feel sorry for them mostly...I don't know how to deal with it when he comes back?
I am definitely going to have A TALK with him (not that it would get me anywhere), maybe give him an untimatum? give this family 110% or get out..i mean I have proved I can do everything on my own. Don't really need him do I? even the kids think its toooo long a time.
Please forward me the home jobs forum, I would be interested to see whats available.
Thank you for your help.

[deleted account]

I'm so sorry about what is happening to you. There are no words that can express how sad I feel for what is going on in your situation. But, I believe that you can do it. Somehow, someway, you will make it through. I'd be afraid to leave my kids behind anywhere. Perhaps make your grocery trips shorter so that you don't have to keep all the kids in the store that long. What would happen if you went once a week instead? Also, perhaps you can apply for assistance? I'm not sure how much your income is so that may or may not work, but you have a lot of mouths to feed so you may even be able to get WIC for the younger babies. Is he saying he's never coming back? Perhaps you can start trying some work at home opportunities so you can still be home with the kids if he is coming back if you don't want to start a full on job since you don't have someone really to leave them with. I work from home so if you are interested I know of some forums that list work at home jobs and I know a few moms who work from home so I can point you towards them depending on what you might want to get into. Praying for you and your family. Stay strong Mama! :-)

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