Addicted husband. What to do?

Erika - posted on 02/23/2014 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I have been with my fiancé for 5 years. We have a 15 month old daughter. Before we had her I had noticed he would do coke here and there but it wasn't a problem. It would usually be at a party once and a while and he would go home and go to sleep. One I became pregnant I would notice that his use became more and more frequent. He would stay up all night pacing the house and it even got to the point where he would become extremely paranoid and started to see things that weren't there. I contimplated leaving him but I had moved from New Jersey to miami to be with him a couple of years prior so moving back home seemed so difficult and I stubbornly felt that maybe once the baby came he would stop. He did this every other day. Would stop for maybe a week and then started all over again.

Exactly one week after I had the baby he got high. I couldn't take it anymore so I called my aunt (the only family member I had in fl who lived about an hour away) and she came to get me. It was extremely embarrassing as I didn't want anyone to know. After about a week he promised me it wouldn't happen again and how he wanted a family so i decided to give him another shot. A few months later the same thing happened again. And I came back. Again. I know I sound so stupid but honestly all I wanted was a family for our daughters sake.

I told him I wanted to get away from all of this and move back to nj because I knew some of the people he associated with also used. So I thought if I got him away from them he would stop. We sold our house and moved to nj last May. Everything was perfect until about august when I caught him using my heart dropped. It was the absolute worst feeling in the world. He admitted to messing up and vowed he would never touch that stuff again. That we was just stressed about not having been able to find work. Everything has been fine since. He found a good job and two months ago I decided to start a very intense nursing program as this has always been a dream of mine.

About two weeks ago he has started using again. Pretty much every two days. I feel like I am back at square one. I have not been able to study between taking care of my daughter and stressing over him. He sleeps until late in the day on weekends so I'm stuck and I feel like I'm going to fall behind on my studies. He has no excuse to be doing this. He has a job now and can't fool me with that excuse anymore.

Because I am in nursing school I am completely dependent on him financially. I do not know what I should do. I do not want my daughter in this kind of environment. All he does is lie about it and blame me for being on his case. He even accuses me of cheating on him which I have NEVER done. I have alway tried to give him the benefit of the doubt which has failed me miserably. I am seeking advice from
Strangers because I feel I would get the most honest response this way.

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Sara - posted on 03/01/2014

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It's not going to be easy I can tell you this. I was In a similar case with my ex using and he started to become paranoid which made me paranoid because I couldn't predict what was going to happen next. One morning I got up to go to work and he was passed out on the living room floor with a glass pipe laying next to him. Our son was only 9 months old, what would have happened if I left for work and he was still passed out with the baby crawling around and got ahold of it? This is what you have to consider. First, residue is everywhere! Second, drugs turn people into monsters and third, it's crazy to think you can teach your kids drugs are bad when a parent is using right? You have to consider safety for yourself and child. You might have to get assistance from the state and work 2 jobs while going to school like I did but it's temporary. After 4 years now I can relax and the kids and I take vacation every 6 months. It's back breaking but it's a guarantee for the future

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Laura - posted on 04/18/2014

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You are in an incredibly hard situation. Have you tried reaching out to a local al-anon group? It's a support group for persons with a loved one who struggles with drug or alcohol addiction. They should be able to help you find resources to help you, as well as be an emotional support. The good news is that if you truly love your fiancé and father of your child, you don't have to leave him forever. But by sticking with him while he's using, you are supporting and enabling his habit. Whatever he's been doing to fight his addiction clearly isn't working. Are you near family again now who can help you? Can you take a semester off from your nursing program, some sort of emergency family medical issue? Usually schools can be very accommodating in such instances. Good luck. You can get through this.

Laura - posted on 04/18/2014

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Have you tried reaching out to a local al-anon group? It's a support group for people with a loved one who struggles with drug or alcohol abuse. You are in an incredibly tough situation, but unfortunately, staying with him is enabling and supporting his addiction. The good news is you don't have to leave him forever. But it is fair to expect him to be sober if he wants you and your child in his life. The people in the al-anon group will know what you're going through and help you find resources. Good luck. My husband is 12 years sober.

Serena Jayne - posted on 03/01/2014

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This situation will not be easy for you and that's totally understandable but you need to leave him financially dependent or not. I was in a similar situation but no kids at the time and my ex did exactly the same to me as yours is doing to you its heartbreaking but I eventually just said no more and left yes it was hard because he found someone else convieniently a few days later but I got over it and that is what you need to remember you will get over him and there is someone out there who is right for you and this guy isn't it its horrible to think about I know but eventually coke will not satisfy him any longer and he will start on the bigger stuff you need to get out of this relationship now there are plenty of resources to help you with your baby and studies to help you the first step you need to take is to walk away

CORINNE - posted on 02/28/2014

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Erika, Go to human services and get help to get away from him. They will help you get a place to live, help you with school and daycare. IT IS NOT SAFE for your child to be around him when he is HIGH. DO NOT TRUST HE WILL NOT HURT YOUR CHILD. IT HAPPENS. My ex was an alcoholic and I was trying to get away by working to support my two sons at that time 10 yrs. 1 yrs. Well while I was working my youngest got hurt and I ended up leaving before I was financially ready. But I glad I left and it has been 15 years and my life is so much better. I was a lone for 4 years before I met my current husband, when I was NOT looking to ever get married again! But it happened. I got full custody as I wrote everything down that my ex did, and got a good attorney. Your life will be much better and your child safer! Do NOT believe the lies.

Maseeha - posted on 02/27/2014

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You truly have alot of courage living in the relationship. It's a really bad habit to break. try your level best to get to therapy and have a support structure from family for your Lil one. . Don't put yourself last cos you are all your precious baby has. . Hope everything works out for you all

Jasmine - posted on 02/27/2014

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whatever is his excuse he needs to get help n I mean ptofessional. many men who use cole can be abusive in some sort. if you see one small sign of that leave immediately. I commend you but your strength is needed for you and your baby girl now. when he realizes after your gone and he lost his family for good he'll either relapse or check into a rehab.
doing whats best for you and the baby is most important. make your decision using your brain not your heart. your heart will tell u to work it out. your bain will kick in some common sensr and logic.

Cynthia - posted on 02/26/2014

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I feel sorry for your husband and i admire your courage and desire to work again ... I think once u become independant financially and he feels he lost his family for a stupid drug i hope he will realize what he has lost ... I know that ypu dont want your daughter to be raised without her daddy but again if her daddy is a bad example for her it might become a real problem ... Be patient ... Talk to him try to cure him in any way possible ... Gd luck

Sarah - posted on 02/25/2014

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My brother used to take cocaine but he stopped when he had no family left. We all left him because of his use and he learned not to take it. He never takes it anymore and got remarried to a lovely lady and they had a baby who is now 2 and are pregnant with another. Leave him for good if he can't stop. As much as it will be hard he is obviously doing something that can harm your family. I hope I was helpful and I am not telling you to divorce him but talk to a therapist about it, they helped me when my boyfriend (we were a couple when I was 22) was drinking all the time and helped me decide we were not meant for each other. I am now married with the love of my life.

Shatika - posted on 02/25/2014

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Drugs is a hard thing to shake... now y'all build a family... he not attacking you physically...but mentally.... sounds like he needs to be easy on the drugs ....and think about the baby... hopefully the baby can be his motivation... I can image its hard he needs your support and drug program... hang in there.... good luck... don't wanna loose everything..

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