Adult children having gf/bf stay the night

Jennifer - posted on 03/05/2012 ( 20 moms have responded )

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I have a 21 year old step son who comes and visits on some weekends. He now has a gf and wants her to come and stay the night on the on the couch. I have a 6 year old and an 11 year old boys who live with us. The gf is only 17. My husband and I do not agree. I am not comfortable with her staying here even if it is on the couch. I feel my kids are young and impressionable and once we open that door to the 21 year old we are opening the door to the smaller children when they are older. My husband and I are disagreeing and he feels I am being ridiculous. Should I let this happen or keep putting my foot down because I am so uncomfortable with it. I did allow it once so we could meet her, but made it clear that it would be this one time and now feel I am being pushed into it happening often. Not sure how to handle this.

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Kelina - posted on 03/05/2012

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If he's in a room and she's on the couch I don't see an issue with it. what impression are they going to form really? that mom and dad want to be a part of their relationships but they can't sleep together? I really don't see a problem with that. Besides, when yours kids are 21 chances are they're going to be in relationships and having sex, won't you want to be a part of their lives and get to know the people that they're with?

Lydia - posted on 03/06/2012

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if they only live 10 minutes away than I think your request for them not to stay overnight in your house is totally reasonable... I find it a bit strange that they don't want to visit if she can't stay the night, sounds like there is something else there going on...

Medic - posted on 03/05/2012

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He is 21, what impression are your other kids going to get other than he is an adult with a girlfriend? I was having boys spend the night since I was in highschool, we just had to sleep in the gameroom under different blankets. It was better than us lying and going elsewhere.

Michelle - posted on 03/05/2012

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Are they staying on the couch together or is she on the couch and he is in a different room as that would be the issue for me if they are not sleeping in the same room I honestly don't see anything wrong with it he wants his gf to share in his family most guys don't want that. This lets you get to know her and you can honestly tell your other kids that their brother is an adult and rules can be bent if you and there dad so choose once they are adults.

Deidre - posted on 03/05/2012

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I don't see why they are hell bent on having her sleep over in the first place. They can spend as much time together as much as they want and then it's time to go home... Where are HER parents? She is a teenage girl for crying out loud! It absolutely sets a terrible example for your boys for sure. At age 21 if he is outraged by these rules he is more than welcome to get his own place and therefore do whatever he wants underneath his own ROOF!

I encourage you to put your foot down and KEEP it there. Your hubby needs to get with the program and be on the same page. There is no need for strife to be in your home.

Honestly, I just feel if she is allowed to spend the night it seems as though you may be on board with teenage sexual activity. Make your point and stick to it's clarity.

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Tracy - posted on 12/17/2012

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There are other considerations than the one I'll name, but my chief reason to say no is that she is underage. You don't know (I'm assuming) what her parents think of this arrangement. If they were both adults, I would say no problem in staying the night as long as they are respectful of the house - it's not to be used as a refuge for "intimacy" (to put it politely). But a general "crashing at your house", if they were both adults, I would see no problem with that.

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No dont do it... encourage them to work hard study and go get there own place if they wanna play sleep over because next thing you know every weekend you got her sleeping over the house then next thing you she been there for days !! lol why must does a 17 yr old need to sleep over your house? if its not a friendly sleep over....uhhhh think about it when i was 17 I was not allowed to sleep over at any boys house and your husband cool about it because its your son let it be a female and forget about it lol then you got young kids at the house that will date at some point then they will expect you to let them do that same stand your ground MAMA!! I AGREE WITH YOU lol

Autumn - posted on 04/01/2012

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if they live so close, she can go home at 11pm and come over for breakfast. Hell no, I say.

Liz - posted on 03/31/2012

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If his argument is that he doesn't want her going home alone late at night, for her safety, then agree and extend it to this: what about your step-son sleeping on the sofa and her in the spare room in a bed? This would mean that he was being a gentleman and giving up some of his comfort for her, and she would get privacy. He'll soon make other arrangements if he doesn't like it, so that would take the pressure off you. Female guests in our house were never made to sleep on the sofa, my brother always had to give up his bed! (Not girlfriends either (don't think we ever had them to stay), just going on the principle that a female guest shouldn't have to rough it on the sofa).

Ajoy1818 - posted on 03/31/2012

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He is a young boy, she is a young girl, it's elementary my dear Watson .

Keep your foot down .

Sarah - posted on 03/31/2012

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hi, if he was underage and so was she then i would see the problem, i dont understand what message you think it will send out. i dont see anything wrong with it to be honest, are you maybe like this becuase he is your stepson?

Erica - posted on 03/30/2012

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I agree with Emma 100%. I bet the reason he wants her to stay there with him so bad is because her parents don't allow him to stay at their house. You are not being unreasonable. If you let her stay on the couch eventually he'll want her to say in his room with him. And you are right in thinking about the younger kids. You said it would be a one time thing, now stick to your word or all the kids will eventually stop believing you when you're serious.



By the way I'm only 23, I was there not too long ago. And most of my unmarried, non-parent friends still pull this crap with their parents.



DON'T GIVE IN!! You're not ok with it, end of story.



Good luck!

Stifler's - posted on 03/06/2012

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Honestly if she's only 17 I'd tell her parents and ask them what they think about her staying over/going out with a 21 year old when she's still in school. If she's still in school.

Louise - posted on 03/06/2012

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I agree with the others if she is sleeping on the couch I dont have a problem with that. I would feel uncomfortable with her being a minor and tell your step son that and make it clear that the sofa is where she is staying until the relationship has been established for a period of time and she is over 18.



My sons girlfriend sleeps in his room now they have been dating for nearly two years and they are both 20. My 18 year old son sleeps alone with girlfriend in another room.

Jennifer - posted on 03/06/2012

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I should probally also state that I am very close to my step son. My younger boys adore him. Sex is not the issue, he and I have even discussed sex and his being safe. He is very respectful and believe whole heartedly that he would not even have sex in the house. He would be to uncomfortable. I guess maybe because I never did this even at 21 or older when I visited my parents. I find it hard to allow it now for my children.

Jennifer - posted on 03/06/2012

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Thanks for all the responsed. I want them to come and visit for the day and encourage it, just feel no need to stay the night. The 21 year old does not live with us, but wants to visit often, but only if she can stay the night or he wont come. So far I have said come for the day not the night. They are only 10 minutes away so I feel it is not necessary to stay the night even if they are on seperate couches/rooms.

Kelina - posted on 03/05/2012

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I think it's a proximity thing really. I remember the first time I stayed at my hubby(then boyfriend)'s house. I stayed on the couch. For me it was awesome to know that he was in the same house, and his would be the first face i saw in the morning. I was 17, Ian had just turned 20. And for those of you asking where her parents are, either they're ok with it, they don't care, or they don't have a choice. I sure as hell didn't give my mom one. Granted I was working two jobs and moved out two months later but the end result was the same. And in the end she was happy I'd stayed the night rather than driving home at 4 in the morning only to get up and go to work at 8 the next day.

Bonnie - posted on 03/05/2012

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If she is staying on the couch in another room I don't see a problem with it. At the same time, if they are not going to be seeing eachother during the night time hours with her being on the couch anyway, why does she need to stay overnight?

Brittney - posted on 03/05/2012

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You have a right to know why she wants to stay, too. If she has a good reason for it, maybe you could let it slide, otherwise I agree with you. It shouldn't happen under any circumstances.

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