Advice about marrying man who isnt my childrens father

Alyssa - posted on 10/18/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I have 2 children from a previous horrible relationship. He is no longer in the picture he hasnt been for almost.3 years. im now engaged to a man who is in the military and currently overseas. The only issues were having is how to discipline my son I think he might be too tough and he thinks im a pushover im might be but when we fight about what he doing and what is appropriate punishment I respond with "theyre not your kids" I feel bad but I also feel like hes insulting my parenting and when I talk to him about it he reminds me that he loves the kids like his own and hes trying to help me raise the baby to be a man and respect me when hes gone.(hes doing another tour next december) how can I let him take the role of my childrens father without always stepping in and underminding his punishments?

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Nadia - posted on 10/22/2012

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This, although a common thing nowadays, can be a very sensitive subject, I know of people who resent their mother for allowing their stepfather to discipline them (of course, this usually happens when the man does not like or accept his wifes/gf children). I think that in this case you need to use your instincts as a woman and a mother and really step back and consider all aspects. If this man really truly loves your children then whether he's tough or not you will be able to tell. It's very easy to spot when a man does not care for his wife's children. And it sounds like your fiance cares about yours.

I believe that there is nothing wrong with disciplining a child as long as it does not get out of hand, however, if your children are old enough to understand that this new man is going to be in their lives permanently I would suggest you talk to him and have him ease into the disciplinarian role slowly. Children are very impresionable and the last thing you want is for your kids to remember their stepfather as being mean or scary. Unless he and your children form a special bond (or have already formed one), they might resent the both of you for trying to discipline them too early on, does that make sense?

When I was young my mother was in a relationship and although he was a nice person we never formed a bond with him, because of this my mom never allowed him to discipline my brother and I. To this day I am very grateful to her for that. I did not see this man as my father, he was simply my moms husband. If he would have disciplined us we would have resented it always. My way of thinking was, "you are NOT my father, you cant tell me what to do." It would have had a very negative impact on my life.

Of course, if this man would have taken the time to form a bond with us and really stepped into the father role, then things would be completely different. Blood or not, if a child sees someone as a father figure, they will accept being disciplined by that person and it will not be a traumatizing experience.

Everyone will have to adjust to this new union so just take it slow and above all, always do what is best for you and your children and do it with lots of LOVE. Good luck. And let me take this opportunity to thank your fiance for his service. I had a cousin who spent 7 years in Iraq. They are true heroes.

Sharayah - posted on 10/18/2012

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If you are marrying him, he will be their step dad, so you both need to come to an agreement of how you want to discipline the kids since he is gonna be in their life from now on. Plus, he is only trying to help you. you may have been doing it on your own till now but now you don't have too. He loves them like his own, he just wants them to grow up right.

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