Advice please!

Janice - posted on 04/21/2011 ( 26 moms have responded )

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Long story short I'm a sahm of 1 year old twins. How do I make my in-laws realize I don't sit on my butt all day eating bon bons? I do dishes every day. They'll cook and leave it on the stove. They won't even put the dishes in the dishwasher after they eat, it just piles in the sink I guess they think since I'm home all day I can do them but its not easy cleaning after my own little family but them too. I get the feeling like they think I'm lazy because by the end of the day I'm exhausted and don't clean up the livingroom (they never go in there) every night. I'm at my wits end. My husband works second shift and I moved 100 miles from all my family and friends so I have no where to go but here. I feel like I'm the nanny that pays rent :( I seriously am building hate. Help!

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Cammy - posted on 04/22/2011

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I'm wondering if the real issue is the condition of the house or something else. It sounds like your in-laws may have other issues under the table. I would suggest calling them on it. Come right out and ask them what they are so upset about. If you really feel like the cleanliness of the house is the issue, ask them specifically what it is they expect from you and tell them what you expect too. Good luck!

Shannon - posted on 04/21/2011

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Honey i have been in your shoes and i didnt like the fit :-/ I ended up in a very strained relationship with my inlaws and it did some serious damage to my marriage because of the strain

My in-laws went on vacation and while they were gone i shampoo'd the carpets and wiped down all the walls with bleach and scrubbed for hours throughout the entore house, the first thing my MIL said when she got home was "man my house is a mess" i was hurt, mad and just plain fed up! From experience i can tell you that it most likely will not get any better until you move out. But please learn from my experience and don't hold grudges for small things and make them into larger issues, i held on to a disagreement i had with my FIL and wasn't able to let go of it and try to make amends until i was sitting at his bedside caring for him his last few days of his life, he was a good man, we were just put in a bad situation. Next thursday marks a yr since he's been gone and not a day goes by that i don't regret the time i lost, Good luck and keep your chin up there will be brighter days :-)

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put up a routine of what you do all day (tell them it's to help you and your kids get organised) and then they can see that you really are busy all day and not just sitting around! My husbands family think that about me too, because my husband washes the dishes after dinner, and will help clear the table, sometimes people just don't know what is going on!

Starla - posted on 04/24/2011

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Girl!!! Anyone who is not a multiple mom or who hasn't had little kids in a long time will never understand what it is like!!!! I have triplets and it is nearly impossible to keep the house spotless! Hang in there and know that being a mom is the most important thing at this time!!! House work is last! Have a great week!

Amber - posted on 04/22/2011

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Go on STRIKE!!! Once they see that when you stop doing things, they dont get done.. they will learn to appreciate what you are doing!!

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Victoria - posted on 04/27/2011

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Don't say anything! Get your husband to do it. He should be sticking up for you - if you say something, then you will be the "horrible woman that my perfect son married". Talk to your husband about how you are feeling, and have him talk to them. Good luck!

Meg - posted on 04/27/2011

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Where does your husband stand on this? Is he supporting you? Afraid to rock the boat? Maybe make a chore chart and ask them and your husband to help out. Twin one year olds can not do things. Also ask around at churches, peditricians and other places for mom groups and playgroups. Getting connections to other moms will help.

Crystal - posted on 04/26/2011

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I know how you feel bout In-laws mY in-laws dont even like me i think they never have an i been married to my husband for 7 years an things still haven;t changed but i think you are doing great cause i went crazy staying with my In-laws for just 3m i just couldn't deal with how his mom would never clean an how they eat i couldn't do it, an they acted like i should do everything. how they treated me like i was a peace of trash. so i told him im moving an well i stayed with my sister an than he finally got us a place

Amber - posted on 04/26/2011

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First off you situation suck. Second, they are not going to realize how much work there is staying at home until they have to do it. Which, by the way si my suggestion. Have the take a day one at a time...hopefully they will see the light.l

Wendy - posted on 04/25/2011

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My husband and I went through a very simular situation. I was so angry all the time that I felt it would cause permanent problems. My advice would be to move into a place that you can afford and let time pass. Even if it is a small place and you want to scream at times...it will be worth it once you have your freedom. There is nothing like having your own place. Your relationship with your husband and children will get stronger and hopefully over time you can begin to build up your relationship with your in-laws. Best of luck to you and your family!

Bretni - posted on 04/25/2011

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I kind of know how you feel. I don't have this issue with my inlaws but my own friends think I'm lazy and that Im a free-loader because I stay at home while my boyfriend works. I take care of the kids all day, clean the house, dishes and cook so it's not like I'm sitting on my butt lol. I think you should let them know how you feel because if you don't they are going to keep walking all over you. I know it's hard to express yourself to inlaws because you don't want them to think badly of you but it sounds like they already do if they aren't respecting you. Other than that I dont know. I'd say stop doing their dishes but then they might just keep piling up to the point of no clean ones. I'm sorry you are going through this with twins :( Good Luck!!

Annie - posted on 04/25/2011

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Make a list of your schedule for everyday of the week. i made one for my partner so that he could help me on his day off, which never happened! Put it on the fridge, this way they will know exactly what you do everyday. If anyone asked why you made it, just say that it helps you to keep your self organized. Include everything; house cleaning, feedings, play time, nap time ect.
Good luck!

Michelle - posted on 04/25/2011

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If you have some form of transportation go out during the day. Is the reason you are staying home to take of the kids or to do housework? Not knowing where you live there are hopefully parks, a storytime at the library, join a MOMs club, MOPS, got to toy stores that have toys out to play with, children's museums if you can afford it, take baby/toddler activity classes if you can, or whatever. Start talking to other mom's and start meeting for playdates. If you are nervous taking out your twins don't be. You'll soon get a system that works for you and they will get used to being out and about.

When you are home play with your kids, art, sometimes I would get tape and make tracks on the floor for trains or cars, just do stuff. If the house gets clean great if not, hey you were busy all day with the kids doing what you are supposed to do.

Clean up the mess you make and leave everybody else's mess alone. Sometimes hard to do. If you need to sweep, vacuum the floors for your kids do it. Don't do it for others. Do just your laundry.

Your in-laws are adults they can take care of themselves. If an agreement with your in-laws is doing the housework to stay at their place then post a schedule on what you are cleaning for the day and check it off. If it gets dirty after you cleaned from somebody else it's not your fault and they can clean.

I do not envy you with staying with in-laws. I would have an extremely hard time staying with mine or my parents. Get out of the house when and if you can for some sanity. Hopefully things will turn around and get better soon.

Lori - posted on 04/25/2011

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Also, I agree with Ink, look into resources that'll help, WIc is WONDERFUL, and you can get Food Stamps, funny thing about Food Stamps, is they will tell you that your in laws CANNOT eat your food :-) Go and get on HUD waiting list, HUD is section 8 BUT instead of living in a section 8 apartment which is usually quite tiny, they help pay a portion of your rent for ANY place you want to live (within limits of course). I am on HUD right now, I have two kids, boys (7 and 8 months) so we only technically qualify for a 2 bedroom. They gave us a rental price limit, and said if we were able to find a 3 bedroom that was under the limit that was fine as well. My rent is $475 a month, I only pay $206 a month and HUD pays the rest. I did have to wait on the waiting list for 3 years though, but it was worth it, now I can afford my bills a bit better. There are MANY programs that will help. Maybe look into Section 8 place while you wait for HUD to go thru? Here is the link to the HUD website
http://portal.hud.gov/portal/page/portal...
I hope this helps, because really, like I said, and everyone else too, the best thing for your relationship with them AND to prevent strain on your marriage, is to move out..

Lori - posted on 04/25/2011

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Living with another family ALWAYS puts a strain on things, your husband probably doesn't notice much because he's used to things, they raised him. I'm sure if you were living at your parent's house your Husband would be the one having a bit of trouble. It may not be you at all, just the fact that they aren't alone any more. Some people don't do well to changes, especially if the changes are in their own home. BEST thing to do is get your own place, however, in the meantime until you can afford to, ask your MIL if you two could talk, see if your husband, or FIL can watch the kids for you, then you and MIL go out to lunch, get a mani/pedi, together or shopping or something where not only can you guys talk, but bond as well. That way you guys can figure out what's bothering her, what's bothering you, and keep a good relationship while at it.

Constance - posted on 04/24/2011

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Parents always have something to say. They have this false memory of when they raised children. In Laws are the worse unless they are my mom who was singe mom my whole life. She doen't undersatand why I stay home I should be in the outside workforce.
Short story you could be Mary Poppins and they would still have something say. I would simply look at them and say this is my house and if you don't like to see the toys on the livingroom floor then you are welcome to become my maid. If not go home and clean your house. Sometimes it about givin them a smack back to get your point across.

DeAnn - posted on 04/23/2011

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I know the feeling hon. Right now we live with my FIL and he's not only a lazy slob but he's a hypocrite to boot. He eats no less than 8 times a day and leaves the dishes on the stove, counters, in the sink etc. I have 3 teenagers to keep up with plus I babysit a 4 year old and I had a spinal fusion in July, was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in January and am having another surgery in May. If my kids, or myself leave a mess he has a fit. It's fine if my husband leaves a mess tho, his dad expects ME to clean it up! What I do when I start getting really frustrated at it all is take a day or two where I don't do ANYTHING I don't have to do. I take care of me and the kids, I'll clean up OUR mess but I don't touch his. Then when the sinks are full, the counters are a mess etc I tell him I didn't make the mess and I'll be DAMNED if I'm your maid. Clean up after yourself. I did NOT marry you. I have also told my husband I'm not doing it any more and he understands my position. Of course I'm pretty sick and some days just getting out of bed is a major feat for me and I spend 3-4 days a week in a doctors office too so that may have some bearing on my husbands understanding and supportive stance.

My husband and I ARE working towards moving out ASAP but it's been a 3 year battle, and he's finally ready to take his CCNA test in a week and a half. Once he has that he can get a much much better job. I have told him if we are not in a more positive position by December I'm going back to my mothers, which kinda put a flame under his ass.

I wish I could give you some great words of wisdom in this situation, but I can't. The only thing I can tell you is you are not alone, and you should ask your husband to support you in this.You did not marry your In-Laws, you married your husband. They are his parents and he will know how to handle them better than you would. Maybe he can talk to them and make them understand that you are not their built in maid. I wish you the best of luck in this!

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I am inclined to go with what Amber said. I know it will be messy...for a day or two, but maybe if you STOP pampering them...they'll start to understand what you do for them.

I am really sorry you are in this position..I can relate. I have lived with others who didn't clean their pee off the toilet...ate my favorite snack I had hidden, trashed the kitchen I just scrubbed...It sucks. The only advice I have for you is to not do it. After two or three days, I would find the fat slob standing at the sink washing dishes. She would shoot me a shitty look and I would ignore it. There's not a dang thing in the WORLD wrong with cleaning up behind YOURSELF. You are not expected to clean up behind the rest of the world. You have a family...clean up behind them. The others...let fend for themselves.



If it takes "faking" a sick...I would. I'd lock myself away and stay out of it. Let them miss you....better yet, load up and go stay with a nice clean friend for a few days and let it pile up. I wouldn't touch it when I got home either. I'd look at it like "what the hell is THAT?" and walk away. (where they can see you do this) Don't touch it. That's how I got MY fat slob to get up and clean her own dirty dishes. Now I did have to cook a meal or two around her mountain of dishes...but I did. I washed what I used..and stood it up in the drain clean...right beside that friggin mountain.

Every single TIME I walked up to my washer and dryer they were full of Slob's clothes. To be polite...I would warm them, fold them, dry the next load, fold that too...until the day I saw Slob look over her shoulder at me, and then rip out one clean item to put on and shut the door. I could SEE her thoughts...."let Inky fold these." Next time I walked up to my washer and dryer...the dry ones got dumped in a pile on the floor...the wet ones got dumped right beside them. I had to practice that until we moved...she never caught on.

I would also find a passive aggressive way to let them know that the germs and bacteria they leave smoldering everywhere is dangerous to you and your child. Next time your slob whines about being sick...let them know if they would clean their home, change their bedding, wash their asses...they wouldn't be suffering whatever condition. My slob's condition was MRSA infection. Ever wiped up puss from the toilet seat before you could sit down? GAK!



And can I suggest researching the health department...what resources are available to help you get YOUR family in your OWN home. Section 8 housing...TANF...SNAP...WIC...there are sources out there that CAN help you fix this.

Jane - posted on 04/23/2011

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go w/cleanliness angle. get yourself one or two tubs, (iparty has cheap ones) throw the toys in there at night. and tell your in-laws that the house needs to be kept clean so the twins are healthy.

Yolanda - posted on 04/22/2011

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I will add you to my prayer list. Seriously, this is a huge problem and my heart goes out to you. They are mean and vindictive, and have no respect for you. I wonder why an adult would not speak to a child. really? Pray for things to get better, or move to a shelter, but do not let these people ruin your marriage or take your sanity! Say a silent prayer every day, all day if you have to and ask God to keep you focused on the positive. I hope that better comes soon so that you can rid yourself of this problem. BTW, what is your husband saying about all of this? I trust that he is on your side and can comfort you!

Ashley - posted on 04/22/2011

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Move out, is the best thing I can say. At my house, my son being healthy and happy is my foremost concern, if they don't like how the house looks, they can leave.

Shannon - posted on 04/21/2011

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For your sake i hope so, we were living with my inlaws to help take care of things while my mil worked at night because my fil had some health issues that required a trach, it didn't slow him down any but he needed someone there in case he had issues. I eventually had had enough and started looking for someplace and told my husband you are either going with me or staying here i don't care but i am out of here. He came with but it caused some issues that we had to work hard at to get past, we had to make some tough financial decisions and now here 5 yrs later i am a SAHM in my own home and we couldn't be happier. I will pray things work out for you soon :-)

Janice - posted on 04/21/2011

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Thanks Shannon! I think the best thing is to move out so I can stop this feeling. Hopefully it can happen sooner than later.

Janice - posted on 04/21/2011

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Well they never say anything to me they just won't do it. Today my mother in law didn't say one word to me or my Boys..... I mean you would think she would be thrilled were living here. I really want to move out but my husbdands work was really slow for the last month in a half and now we are so behind. I wish I had a money tree. Seems like no matter what I clean they don't notice. I could seriously get on my hands and knees and scrub the floor till it blinds you and they would never know.

Deena - posted on 04/21/2011

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Perhaps make a list of all the things you do during the day and then show it to your in-laws at the end of the day so they can see on your list what you have accomplished.

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