Advice please mummies :(

[deleted account] ( 4 moms have responded )

Heya Mummies,


I really just need some advice because this really could be the end of my relationship with my boyfriend of 4 years.

Basically my boyfriend just doesn't show he cares about me or our baby.


I'll list JUST SOME OF the things my boyfriend does and i really want some advice because i am going to show him this post and what other mummies think because my boyfriend obviously believes i am a push over.


- My boyfriend doesn't have a baby on board sign in his car and will not keep a car seat in his car because he hasn't told anyone at his work about our baby. Well after 2 years he told his tutor. BUT still to this day has not told work friends that he has a son. EVEN though he happily goes out with them after work, like to the pub or fishing.


- My boyfriend's two brothers have both ignored me and our baby when seeing them out and about. AND my boyfriend things that is acceptable. becuase he never asked why did you igoned my girlfriend and baby.


- At new years, he was home with me and our baby. APART from when i was once on his phone i found out he texted his WORK FRIENDS saying he was at party with his mates. WHY LIE.


- THEREFORE when it comes to his family events with his side of the family, i refuse to go, because were not good enough in all aspects of his life, so why should i take our son to places, where people have ignored him when being out and also his own dad doesn't include him in all aspects of his life.

WHICH has now resulted in his family ALL HATING me because they don't know the real reasons as to why i am not going to the family events. BUT my boyfriend goes along to them, so i look like the bad one.


- I tried to sort things out with his family, i told his mum and dad, about the way my boyfriend treats our son, THEIR GRANDSON. but they always protect him, and i get excuses about him being 'SHY' and that is why he hasn't told work friend. Yeah ok they are his parents, but as a parents if i found out my son was treating people this way i would have such a good talking to him.


- Also at the beginning when no one knew about our baby, he rang up his parents because his work was doing a opening evening and asked them to not say anything about our son because he hadn't told anyone about him. and they went along with the whole i wont say anything. I REFUSE TO GO BECAUSE I AM NOT PRETENDING I DONT HAVE A BABY. And then my boyfriend wonders why i don't like his family.


- I Just feel like my boyfriend disrespects me and our son. He goes to work and it is like he has another life. And he goes to his family events even though his own brothers ignored our baby when we have been out and about.


- My boyfriend gets home from work and doesn't play with our baby, but manages to have time to play on his playstation or play on his phone. WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO SAY TO HIM TO PLAY WITH HIS OWN BABY.


- My boyfriend doesn't help out with ANY house work, well actually on a saturday he cleans TWO bathrooms, but when i say that is it, i mean that is it. i do everything. Look after our baby, bath our baby, change our baby, feed our baby, cook dinner, washinh up and dry up, washing and ironing putting clothes away. FAIR ENOUGH i dont work, but there is TWO days he dont work SATURDAY AND A SUNDAY. So why does he think i should still do anything.


- There have been times i go to my parents and they say to me omg i cant believe how exhausted i look, and yeah sometimes i really am. but my boyfriend never manages to see how tried i am even though as soon as my baby goes to sleep i am fast a sleep as well, but my boyfriend has the enegry to come out and watch tv or play on his game. So my parents will offer to take our baby out for the day, BUT my boyfriend never manages to do that.


- I have sat down and told my boyfriend about how i feel, and all this going on in my head but he never really changes, or if he does it is all good for a week and then back to normal again.


- He complaines if i cook wrong, the chicken is cut up to big, the jacket potatoes arent done crisipy enough, the other day when it was snowing, he was pissed off becuase the chicken was brought from tesco and not the butchers.


AND AFTER ALL THESES, he wondors why i am distance from him, and why i am upset. SURELY HE SHOULD KNOW WHY I AM UPSET. I am honestly tried of trying.


I want to show my boyfriend the replies i get, because i am hoping hearing from other mummies, might make him realise that surly he should already be treating me PERFECT due to still being with him after all this.


I almost hate him with the way he treats our son and lets his family treat our son. It is like it is me against them all sticking up for our son. Why should my son be treated like that by anyone...i wont let it happen yet i am the bad one to him and his family, and he doesn't tell them the reasons why i am like i am.



I can honestly say hand on my heart, since the day my baby has been born i have done every little thing i can to make my little boy happy.

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[deleted account]

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that my husband lied about having a child. He just doesn't discuss it. He does play racket ball and golf with work colleagues, but they discuss work, not family. If we run into them outside of work (and we sometimes do), they see that he has a family, but the point is that he cannot let them see that his family is competing with his work. They should only see the work side of him, not the family side--that part is for me :)

Did you ask him why he lied in the text message? First off, it seems odd that he would be texting his work friends about where he was on New Years, unless he was supposed to be at a company party or networking event. My husband has to go to those some holidays, but being "at a party with his mates" would definitely not go over well with the chair members if he should have been at a company event. If he was not scheduled to be anywhere, it's none of their business where he is during his time off. I know work can be demanding, my husband gets work texts and calls all the time, but the topic should be work, they certainly have no business asking him where he is on his personal time. If they are asking him to come in, and he can't, he should have replied with something more discrete, like "I cannot come right now, I will see you on the 2nd." Nothing more--it is HIS time, not theirs. Even if they were just asking him to a party of their own that wasn't planned, he doesn't need to tell them why he can't go. The lies are strange. What did he say when you asked him about that?

I think I understand now--you didn't go out with the brothers, you happened to be at the same supermarket and park. If they turned up their noses and walked away when you said "Hello." that would be worth addressing. He could simply say to them, "Hey, Sandy said she saw you at the park and you walked off when she said Hello. Are you mad at her or something?"

I agree with Carol. Sometimes you just have to tell him specifically what you want him to do to show you respect. My husband often forgets how much I do because it's all done while he's at work--he doesn't see the effort I put in unless I point it out. Sometimes we play a game, it sounds cheesy, but after a really long, stressful day I will point out something I've done when he gets home, like "look, I cleaned your bathroom." and he will reply "Oh, it's beautiful, you did a great job" and he'll point out funny little details, and I'll kiss and hug on him for a minute. Then he'll find something else that's done (like a clean kitchen, or folded laundry--sometimes it's not even something I did that particular day, the point is he's complementing my efforts in keeping our house together), and I'll kiss him some more. We play the game throughout the afternoon--I play too, buy pointing out his overflowing briefcase and saying something like, "Looks like you had your pen to the paper all day" then massage his hand for a second. By bedtime we are raring to go at each other. It's silly, we know that, but it makes us laugh and forces us to look at each other and really see how much effort we are putting forth to keep our life together.

Carol - posted on 03/19/2013

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Of course your BF should help out with the baby. If you're being totally honest and he spends NO time with him, then he's a horrible father to your son and a horrible partner for you. Just providing a roof over his head is not enough. The kid will not understand anything about money for a very long time. He only understands that the ones who spend time with him love him. He will resent his dad if his dad doesn't smarten up.

Your BF is telling you that you are not worth the time and energy that every partner should have. Money and material things are not nearly as important as how he treats you. So far you say that he pretends you don't exist to his coworkers, friends, and family and he doesn't help out around the house. It sounds like he doesn't validate the work that you do either because he never gives you a break.

My advice is to tell him (and his family) how you feel. Some men just need to be told things before they wise up. It's not that they willfully ignore things, they just don't see the world the same way we do. (e.g. I got up with my son for the first 9 months without asking my husband to help because "he worked." I was exhausted. One day I broke down crying. He claimed that he never noticed that our son got up so often and I should have told him I wanted help. He helped from then on. Our second son was much easier when we worked together. All the guy needed was a clue.)

It could be that your BF thinks that he's doing a great job because you get to stay home and he provides every material thing your family needs. Based on the rest of what you've said, I doubt it. If he's the self-centered asshole you describe, get rid of him. Maybe someday you'll find a real BF and dad to your baby that will treat you both the way you should be treated.

[deleted account]

So what would happen if your husband saw work colleagues and also his bosses outside of work....the truth always comes out sooner or later. I dont understand how you can go day to day a not talk about your children that you have created in my option. i think it is different if they are just work colleagues, but to go out with them outside of work, and do hobbies such as fishing, i think that makes them more a friend. But i understand everyone has different options about different things It does though break my heart, there is not telling work and keeping it private and then there is lieing about not having a baby, ie. reciveving a text message and lieing about what he is actaully really doing. Thanks for posting your side of the story.

I was on my own with the baby when i bumped into the his brothers, once was round a supermarket, and the other was at park. I dont except my boyfriend to argue with his brothers about not saying hello but it is being rude in my option as were meant to be part of a 'family'

Also we do the cleaning when my son goes to sleep in the afternoon. so the 'bonding' time is not lost.

I think my problem is not so much all the things i have to do, it is i do them all and i get no respect for doing it. ie. dinners not done correctly.

Thanks for posting Xxxx

[deleted account]

Honestly, I'm not sure I understand some of the issues.

I don't understand why he should tell his colleagues at work that he has a baby. A lot of professions are very competitive, and fathers are often passed over for promotion in favor of childless men/women because there is a perception that childless men & women can and will dedicate more to their work than those splitting themselves between work and family. My husband does not discuss his family life with work friends, and I wouldn't want him to--our family is our business, and has no bearing on his performance at work.

I don't understand the situation in which his brothers ignored you or the baby. Were you out with both your husband and his brothers, or did you just go out with his brothers? How did they ignore you? If your husband was there and just looked on as they were rude to you, yes I'd be pissed with him. If he wasn't there, it would depend on the specifics--basically, what is he going to accomplish by talking to his brothers? If he's just going to make them feel bad, or cause drama, he shouldn't talk to them. If he thinks there was a reason they were treating you this way that can be resolved through compromise or clarification, he should.
How do you ignore a baby? The baby can't really be a part of the conversation, so I don't see how he could be excluded--I know I'm missing something here, I just need a little clarification.

I do agree that as a father, he should be helping to care for his son on his days off. That said, it is really sweet of him to clean the bathrooms, but he is away from his son all week, it would be a better use of his time to use that time watching his son so that you can have a break. This is their only time to bond. When my son was smaller, my husband played with him for a few minutes while I cooked dinner, then bathed and put him to bed every evening. This gave them some time together, and gave me a few minutes to get the kitchen cleaned up and sit down for a glass of wine. Weekends, I don't clean house other than the kitchen. We spend that time together as a family and we BOTH take care of our son. He needs to be helping you out there--not so much with cleaning, but definitely with child care, because he needs to be spending time with his son to build the bond he will need once the child is older.

I also agree with you about the chicken--I'd be pissed that he thought getting chicken from a butcher was more important than the safety of his wife and child.

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