Allowing your child to drink, smoke, or have sex in the home

Oliver - posted on 04/13/2010 ( 65 moms have responded )

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I'm really curious on people's opinion on this, because until recently, I honestly believed that most people felt this was a big No-No.



Of course I'm talking along the lines of teenagers here, so wether or not you guys have them or taken from your experience in your own parent's home. Do you think it's ok to allow your child to smoke, drink, or have sex under your roof?



I personally would never allow it. My parents forbid behavior like that and I wasn't the type to experiment with any of it outside the home. But it's my understanding that a lot of people actually feel it's ok because kids are going to do it any way, and by letting them do it at home, you know they're at least safe.



Thoughts?



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I'm not sure that it's legal any more in all states to give your teen alcohol, check the social host liability laws in your state. Some of them cover parents providing alcohol to their teens and their teen's friends.

In answer to the question, no, no, and no. If it's illegal it won't be happening in my home and having sex under age in your parents house is disrespectful IMHO. I know abstinence isn't always the cool thing to do, but I'm really trying to raise my kids to respect themselves enough to wait (which, I didn't do and I do regret now) and I would hope that if they choose to, they would have enough respect for me not to do it under my nose. I don't know if that came out the way I intended it to, I hope so. It's hard to get the tone just right when typing.

I just found these stats about drinking and being more responsible in countries where they are allowed to do it when they are young -

http://www.dontletminorsdrink.com/report...

Underage Drinking in U.S. and Other Countries
There’s a continuing argument that the lower drinking ages in many European countries lead to more responsible drinking habits among their young people. However, recent evidence has proven this claim to be false. See below for more data.
Youth Drinking Rates and Problems: A Comparison of European Countries and the United States

This research addresses whether or not European youths drink more responsibly than their American counterparts. The data shows that, with the exception of Turkey, the United States had lower reported instances of alcohol abuse than any other European nation.

[deleted account]

Hi Amy, it was me that said it is legal to give your child alcohol in your own home-- In my state you must be the legal guardian of the child and you must be in your home for it to be legal. I don't remember if this is a federal or state law (I'm in the US).

In answer to the question about what we would all do if we caught our teens in any of the above acts, it would depend on the act for me.

If I caught him smoking (anywhere) I would take him to the doctor for the safest way to get him to stop, and I would enroll him in the anti-smoking seminar at our hospital and make him attend (even if that means going with him).

If I catch him having sex, unfortunately, the leash will be shortened so to speak. I know that too little trust will cause rebellion, but if he breaks the trust I give him, then he will have to earn it back. I will teach him about safe sex and condoms, but I will also teach him that birth control fails often and that he is not ready for sex until he can be financially and emotionally prepared for a kid.

As for drinking, like I said, I would allow that--as long as he does not drive. I hope that by the time he decides to drink someplace other than home, he will already know the effects of alcohol on his body and to call me for a ride home. If I ever catch him DRIVING while drunk, I will take his car away for good (another great reason I want to be the one who buys his car).

Amy - posted on 04/14/2010

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my family was actually the most strict out of all my friends parents. but i did give them a reason to trust me so the strictness was not a problem and it was pretty easy for me.my parents smoke and my brother started moking when he was 15 so that rule was not important to them. they are not alcoholics and would not incourage drinking but there were a few hollidays that i could have a few drinks. not like hard drinks. i was only allowed to have Boones Farm which shouldnt even be classified as alcohol lol. and when i was 17 i was dating a guy who told me he was turning 19 but he was turning 21. my parents freaked when they found out and so did i. but he did say the nightat my parents house in my bedroom. the first time he did my dad got up at 4 in the morning to leave for work and at about 5 he walked outside to see my boyfriends big green dodge blocking him in and omg he was pissed! he cam bareling up the stairs and kicked my door in to find me on my guest bed in my room on the ther side of the room of my bed. both of us were fully clothed and in seperate beds. he was stll pissed but kindly told him to get the hell out of his daughters bed and move his truck. after this if i wanted him to stay the night i had to take the door off of my room lol so for about 4 moths i only stayed at my parents house for an hour before school and sometimes 1 or 2 nights a week. i drove almost an hour to go to school every day so that i could stay in a different town with my boyfrend. and i dont think the thing a previous poster said about it being legal to give your child alcohol is correct. because wouldnt that be considered like supplying alcohol to a minor? which is against the law. and if there was a cop that came while you let your child drink they could charge the child with a MIP which is minor in possesion? correct?

Leatonya - posted on 04/14/2010

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Hi Vanessa, i would have to stop at 17 for girls and 18 for boys Only because they are legally adults in Missouri,where I live!

Oliver - posted on 04/13/2010

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@Leatonya



You always have such positive energy! I completely agree about the statutory issue... never thought about that. I would probably call the police as well. But at what age does your child have to be to be considered statutory? I know if the child is 17 or 16, a lot of moms don't care if the boyfriend is 18.



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Leatonya - posted on 04/13/2010

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OK I love this topic Vanessa! I am a Preachers daughter and this kind of behavior was absolutely not tolerated when i was a child and I'm trying very hard to raise my kids with the same values as i was raised.That will not be be tolerated by no shape or form. I would also like to answer your question Lori 1) if i caught my (teenager) child doing anything illegal i would call the cops and having said that I love my kids and try very hard to protect them but they have to learn it is not tolerated! Some lesson are hard learned 2) if i caught my child (teenager)having sex i would whoop their behinds.Also i wanted to add that if i caught my child (teenager) having sex with a Adult (anybody over the age of 18) I will press charges on them for statutory rape.My son,Joshua is near them hard teen years and I know the temptations out there are geared more to our young ppl.I have a open and honest relationship with him, we have had the "talk" and i have told him about the consequences of his actions and the "what could happens". I pray that I have done my best in the way I have taught my children and hope i have prepared them for everything the"real world" may through at them. I have really enjoyed this topic ~ Have a great day mommies!

Oliver - posted on 04/13/2010

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My first drink was 19. So yes, I was underage but I was out of the home. Trust becomes an issue when you trusted them not to do it and they did it, that's when I throw the punishment in. There will be consequences for their actions and as a parent I'd rather create the consequences rather than wait for them to stumble upon nature's consequence.

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Amanda - posted on 04/13/2010

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ok Vanessa doing that will only make the want to do it stronger. Trust me. My cousin almost died from alcohol poisoning cause her parents were that way. You have to trust your children! Making them take extra courses for having a drink come on. What happens when you take a drink! Yes you maybe of legal age but your child see you! Having that trust that your teenager will not get wasted is the best. When your child becomes of legal age they will get wasted cause now you can't tell them NO. The will binge drink the first time they have a drink. Stopping them from drinking will never happen. But stopping them and then watching them in the hospital getting their stomach pumped because they binged at 18 or 19 (legal) cause now you aren't there to slap their hand away from the drink. You are telling me that none of you never had a drink underage. Cause if you say no think back to when you and your friends were of legal age. What happened? What happened to trusted your kids. You are going to push them to it with the NOT UNTIL YOU ARE LEGAL. We had safe grad when I graduated high school. We could drink, yes only legal age could buy but everyone was drinking. We all had our parents pick us up or a bus take us home. I saw someone rushed to the hospital cause they threw up on their back and nobody saw her. Her parents were just like you and she is also an alcoholic! TRUST THEM TO MAKE GOOD CHOICES!

Oliver - posted on 04/13/2010

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@ Lori

If I caught my child doing any of those things in my home, they would be stripped of their privileges and recreational items in my home indefinitely. Chores to the max and juvenile classes on their free time.

I take it to the extreme but I bet they won't do it again, and if they even think about, they really wouldn't have time to try.

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Amanda - posted on 04/13/2010

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First it is very hard to control smoking outside of your home, and drinking cause I know my friends snuck it in their houses. But sex will not happen under my roof. When I became pregnant I was living with my boyfriend, but now live at home cause he walked out. Anyways for me my dad would by me alcohol. Now I know what you are thinking, bad dad, but I disagree. When I turned 16 my dad knew there was going to be alcohol at the party, her parents told them. So he bought me a mickey. He told me if I was going to drink he wanted to know what and how much of it. A mickey would never get me drunk I was a little over weight. But they also had the rule. If you need a ride, we will pick you up no questions asked. They told me if I was going to drink then at least I wouldn't get in the car with someone who was drinking. To me because I did have my first "drink" at 16, not counting wine with christmas toast (it was one sip only) I never had the need to get drunk. I have never been so wasted that I don't remember what happened.
It is going to happen no matter what. You can't stop peer pressure. But I will do the same with my son. If he wants one drink at a party fine, but he calls me to get home. Now if he ever came home drunk then I would have a problem, but the hangover would teach him more of a lesson then I ever could. Smoking is the same way. PEER PRESSURE. I took one puff at a bonfire with my friends mom right there. Everyone was like come on just one try. Her mom told me it was my choice. So I tried one and never did it again. If you stop smoking and alcohol dead you could push them too it.
My cousin is the prime example of that. Her parents said you will not drink or smoke or have sex while you live here ever. If you do don't come home. Now she is an alcoholic and addicted to drugs. Because they never let her go the parties if they new there was drinking she was never exposed to it. So when I cute guy told her to drink she did. She didn't care what her parents thought because they told her not to come home, so she didn't. She slept with him for drugs the next day. She kept on sleeping with him for alcohol and drugs. She was hanging out with people, instead of being teased. Telling them NEVER as long as you live here maybe pushing it. They will rebel! But telling them that one drink/mickey is all your get, then they know that you are ok with it. My friends never got wasted at parties that our parents "stocked" for us. It was only after we turned 18 that they did. Having trust in your kids on making the right choice is all you can tell them, not trusting them will push them to it. I am 24 years old I remember what it is like with peer pressure. I have also not had a drink in four years. Cause I never had the want to do cause it wasn't a way to rebel. They trusted me and that meant so much more then getting wasted. Telling your kid ok you want to drink you are the one hurting yourself, but remember not to binge drink or mix. Educated them on what to do if someone is passed out or the know they are going to be sick is also good. Empowering them will help them make good choices. Making those choices for them will only push them to rebel.
Spring break, watch it learn it. Let them see what people look like and what happens what can happen. Jail, mom/dad, or dead if drinking and driving. More parents need to trust their kids! Raise them right and you wont have to worry!

Lori - posted on 04/13/2010

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I personally would not condone any of these behaviors in my home as these are destructive behaviors for teenagers to be engaging. I'd like to say that this is a GREAT teenage topic to be discussing.

I'd like to add to the discussion though~If you caught your child smoking cigarettes, consuming alcohol, engaging in sexual activity or even using illegal street or prescription drugs in your home~What would you do?

[deleted account]

Smoking will not be allowed under any circumstances in my home. Smoking is very addictive, most people who try it, stick with it and by allowing it in my home I would be allowing him to try it and thus become addicted. Furthermore, smoking has been proven to be detrimental to long term health, so I intend to teach him that it is simply wrong and irresponsible to smoke anywhere at all, much less in my home. (plus it stinks, causes yellowing to walls and fabric, and all sorts of other things I don't want happening to my lovely little house).



Sex will not be allowed while he lives with us. I personally do not believe you are old enough to have sex until you can emotionally AND financially support the baby that may result from intercourse (birth control can fail). If my son is still living in my house, he's obviously not ready so why would I condone it? Now after he's married or brings a girlfriend home to meet us, but is living in his own place, I would allow them to have sex in my house then.



Drinking will be allowed in my home. In the US you are legally allowed to give YOUR children alcohol at any age--I will NOT be giving alcohol to other teens. I think that home is a good place to learn to drink responsibly and he will not need to drive anywhere afterwards (and if he tries, I can stop him). There are no proven long term medical effects of light drinking, most conditions associated with drinking are linked only to heavy drinking, which I do not condone and will teach my son not to do (and why he shouldn't do it).



I am interested to read other's posts. My husband's brother is currently allowing his 15 year old son to have sex with his 18 year old girlfriend in their home. I don't agree, but it's his choice.

Melissa - posted on 04/13/2010

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I as well as you, had parents who forbid it. My OPINION, is that if parents actually allow it, they are not responsible parents. As a parent, our job is to teach the child(teenager) to be responsible for their OWN actions-- If your child is going out and having sex, smoking, drinking, etc. than, you didn't spend enough time with the details of it. I TOTALLY understand that their are some kids who are just plain defiant, but that doesn't mean that the parent should ALLOW it in their own home, because again, that is "Disrespecting" the parent and everything about their standards... Rules are rules, and if you just allow them to bend them at home, because they are doing it elsewhere, is giving them the impression that they can bend the rules anywhere else, because they have the right at home.... Again, this is ONLY my opinion, not that it is right or wrong for any parent.

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