Terrina - posted on 08/12/2016 ( 21 moms have responded )
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Hi,
I am a stay at home mom (partner is a non participating parent so all parenting falls on my shoulders) with two girls, 6 and 8. My 8 year old is giving me such issues that I spend most of my time around them angry. She is so so negative, ungrateful and complains about EVERYTHING. I'm ALWAYS angry. I hardly smile anymore. i can't stand being around her negativity. It's constant. It's draining. I'm mentally exhausted by it. I am so apprehensive to plan things for her because i know somewhere something is going to make her complain and I'm going to feel such resentment towards her for not appreciating (yet again), something that I went to the trouble to organize for her. I can't enjoy being a mother or having fun with them because I'm so tired. Tired of being the only responsible parent, tired of my 8 year old not listening, whining, ignores anything I say, never asking for permission for anything, she is selfish, only bothering with things that benefit her (not how I raised her!). Even in the off chance that we are having a 'normal' moment, I can't enjoy it because I know somethings going to happen soon and she's going to go back to being negative and complaining about everything.
My anxiety is through the roof. My six year old I feel is not being paid as much attention as she should be because by the time i'm done with her sister, I just have nothing left to give.
Yes, I've talked to her about it. I've tried consequences. i've tried taking things/playdates/sleepovers etc away from her, tried time outs on the stairs, time outs in her room, even had her write out what happened and what she thinks would be a better way to handle it next time, and keep it in a journal, even tried getting my very good friend to talk to her too.
Now I just scream like a banshee and growl through gritted teeth at her when she complains. Imagine: A complaint about every phase of the day (didn't like breakfast, is this cup clean?, won't sit at the table because there's an ant on it, that's not what i wanted for lunch. Even a 'do you want to go to the park?' is greeted with 'can samantha come too?' if she gets a no she launches into 'but why??!! This is the worst day ever!' Where do I find the energy to still want to take them to the park when she has shown she's so ungrateful even before we leave the house?
And so I just scream. But it's the way I scream ... that's what scares me. and the look of fear in her eyes, and her sisters too sometimes. I feel so ashamed after and say it's not going to happen again. But it does. I don't know how to deal with her calmly. I need some advice about how to stay calm when every inch of you just wants to scream and slam cupboard doors :(
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Michelle - posted on 08/13/2016
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Kids are resilient and staying in the same home isn't doing them any good.
They will be a lot happier when you are! They aren't stupid and they pick up on the stress you are under.
You should never stay with someone for the sake of the children, you have told us that it's not a happy house as it is.
You need to stop making excuses and get out there and be the best for your children. Show them how strong you are and get a job and move out with them. Better still, kick him out and get those court orders.
Michelle - posted on 08/13/2016
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No worries. The thing about having them written down is that everyone can see them. It also makes it easier for you to point out what she has done wrong and what the punishment is.
Have punishments like no technology for 3 days or early to bed for 2 days. You need to find her currency to be able to make the punishment effective.
Michelle - posted on 08/13/2016
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Have you drawn up some house rules?
Write down the rules and the consequences for breaking them. Get everyone to sign them and put them up somewhere so everyone can see them.
Then you can calmly point to the wall and tell her the punishment. That way it's her choice if she wants to break the rules or not.
No No - posted on 08/13/2016
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You have a tough situation but it's good you are ready and willing to fight! (For a happy family).
1. Stop yelling. It doesn't do anyone any good.
2. Get away from the dead beat in the basement.
If he only wants to pay bills he can sleep in his mom's basement.
3. Try rewarding the kid and turn things positive when you get the desired behavior. ("Good job hunny let's see if Samantha can come over tomorrow) we know your getting no praise, and it's not easy but get these kids on the right path and your world will blossom.
4. Be around people. Invite friends over, go to others homes. The kids will see everyone has dirt, bugs, chores, vegetables to eat, it's a team effort. 5. Stick with your faith and support groups. And provide the same for your kids. Maybe Stephanie is her confidant.
My phone picked a fine time to freak out and delete a few lines.
One was
6. that our kids deserve an even playing field and a fair chance at happiness. We owe them that.
7. You can do this.we all can. We have to.
Michelle - posted on 08/13/2016
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It doesn't matter that you are unofficially separated and living in the same house. He's still the Father.
Maybe you should look at getting your own place. Then you can go to court and get custody, visitation and child support sorted out.
It must be very confusing for the children that Dad is in the house but has checked out emotionally. To them, he doesn't care about them at all. You need to get away from him if he can't even be a Dad.