Am I a single mother when it comes down to it, No help from the Husband

Crystal - posted on 01/25/2010 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I'm a 23 year old mother of two boys Jaydin who is two and Dakota who just turned 3 months, I'm merried. My husband works form 4 am to 1:00 pm,( BUT IT HAS NOT ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY, I WAS THE ONLY ONE WORKING WHILE HE DID THE STAY AT HOME DADDY) I feel like I have no help what so ever from him when it come to the boys or the house, I only ask him to help out like picking up behind him or taking the trash out when he leaves, and then he gets mad when I start to grap, He thinks that ALL I do is sleep and thats it, Oh poor little man dont know, I'm breastfeeding, potty training, cleaning, cooking, and changing diapers,!! There's no help from him at all unless its the weekend, But what really gets under my skin is that he has made a ZERO effort to help me potty train our oldest son unless I beg him to talk him to the bathroom with him!! In adding to this mess he also has a daughter by another woman who is five and I'm teaching her all the stuff that he should be doing, I'm not saying that he's a dead beat or anything along them lines he buys them stuff along that line he just dont help and I'm fed up with it I feel like a single mother with a room mate not a husband anyone else feel this way or dealing with the samething? what should I do? Please dont say talking I've tryed that already on a number of times it dont work! He considers that Grapping!!!

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Sarah - posted on 01/27/2010

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When hubby gets home at 1pm hand the kids to him and go out for a while he will see that taking care of kids isn't easy that it is work and that it is time consuming and at times draining physically and emotionally.
Make an appointment or sign up and pay ahead-that way he can't guilt you out of going- for a class that you want to take or something along those lines. Maybe get a part time job in the evenings a few days a week- that way you can say you are contributing to the household income too, thereby negating his i'm the bread-winner argument. Make sure it doesn't conflict with his normal work schedule and then when your day and time are here hand the kids over and walk out the door.
Try giving him specific tasks that he is responsible for every day and REFUSE to do them yourself!!! If he is supposed to take out the trash and wont leave it and when he complains about the smell or the heap of trash blocking his entrance to the house say there are only (insert number of chores here) things I ask you to do and I don't feel like asking you to do (number of things) on a regular basis is unreasonable.
Most men can't figure out what we want from them on a daily basis so break it down barney style- explain in detail- and see what comes out. They are kind of like kids also so maybe a reward system is a good idea. ie.. (pick one or substitute your own here- whatever you need done that isn't on the daily list) honey could you take out the trash, mow the yard, change diapers for me right now becuase I am making you brownies, cooking you a special dinner, planning a date for us for this weekend.
Good luck

Megan - posted on 01/27/2010

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Hey Crystal, you are not alone in this. I live with my inlaws in a 3 bedroom home with my husband, two step boys (8 and 10) and our own two daughters (9 months and 20 months). My husband works graveyard. So he gets to work at 11:00 and gets home at 8:00 in the morning, so it was definitely hard especially when the girls were practically new born. I thought having one baby to take care of in the middle of the night was hard but now I have two and I have to do it all by myself. I had the same feeling as you do in which you don't think he does anything, but I always try to remind myself that I need to be thankful that I have a roof over my head and a husband or dad for the kids and that he has a job no matter what shift it is. His job is to work and pay the bills while I stay at home taking care of the kids. I try to have everything nice when he gets home and I appreciate what he does. I know you said talking to him doesn't work. I would suggest this: try thanking him for all he does even when it's just work. Let him know that you are thankful he is with you and act as if it's nothing to take the garbage out. This is what I do. "Hey, can you keep an eye on the girls while I take the garbage out". He'll either say yes and in the meantime you get to take the garbage out and get a short break ( I always take a couple minutes to myself and breath deeply outside) or he'll do if for you. All I'm trying to say in this long drawn out paragraph is be thankful to him without expecting anything back. Hopefully he'll catch on and deliver it right back to you.

Crystal - posted on 01/26/2010

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Crystal, I totally relate to you. I am a first time "stay at home MOM" I have 3 children 2 are mine and the baby is "ours". He works different shifts everyday, but the same days everyweek and I can't get him to do SQUAT around the house. And there are days when he gets into moods and starts cleaning on a rampage and the house isn't even dirty. Or he will get upset if he doesn't have a shirt ironed, like I really have time to sit at an iron all day with my kids. I have one in Kindergarten, a 3y/o potty training and if you don't watch her she's into everything and the baby 3 months breastfeeding. So I spend most of my day cleaning up after my daughter and BF my son. not to mention MOUNTAINS of Laundry that seems to be never ending. I have tried talking to him, setting up certain jobs I need him to do, ie I cook you do the dishes. It doesn't happen, and when I ask him to do something it's such a big fuss with him I end up doing it myself. Good LUck!!!!

Zoe - posted on 01/26/2010

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im 18 and have an 8 month old and a 4 year old step son, i understand how u feel, we always fight because he thinks that its okay for him to come home from work and sit on the lounge and watch tv all night. I know that he needs a break too, but the only job he has in the house is taking the rubbish out, and he complains about that too. We have his son come and stay with us every weekend and he thinks that its okay for him to go out drinking and leave me at home with the kids, and if i say something about it im the worst person in the world. He doesn't do anything for or baby without complaining about it, but everyone i talk to says that all men are the same. I just try and remind him that we both chose to bring Gabriella into our life and he needs to do things for her, remind him that you are with the children 24/7.

JOLENE - posted on 01/26/2010

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I have a 3 yr old, 6 month old both boys and my 11 yr old nephew! I do everything in our home and he works. i am in kinda the same situation and yes it does get very overwhelming sometimes. Do what you can, don't stress yourself out!

Jane - posted on 01/26/2010

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i don't know what will get thru to your husband. but my husband doesn't help too much w/the daily things. but he does provide for us and i think for him w/his upbringing, that is what he feels being a good dad is. he is very loving to our kids. when i think about going back to work, i find that i'd much rather be home than back in a job.
is there anyone who can talk to him for you? his mom or dad or sister? someone he will listen to? maybe you can find a mother's helper and then he'll see how much your stress you're under and maybe he won't like paying out for it and he'll help a bit?
i wish you luck w/this. i know how overwhelming it is. we had our 2nd when our 1st was 18 months old. i hired a family friend to come over 2 days a week to help me out.

Laura - posted on 01/25/2010

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If you're looking for honesty, here it is: from what I understand about your situation, your husband supports you financially. This in itself makes you nowhere near being a single mom. I'm not going to give you advice on how to make your husband help you out, because I sure haven't figured it out either.



All I want to tell you is I know a few single moms, ones who work full-time, whose houses are clean, who give their kids a home-cooked meals as often as they can, and whose kids are never lacking in the love department. I can't imagine being in that situation and am constantly reminding myself how blessed I am even if my husband is rarely home.



Men show their love in different ways, my husband works so much so that I am able to stay at home, so that I can raise our daughter, and so that we can have the things that we need. I truly hope that you can see how lucky you are and appreciate what it is that you do have.

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