Am I being selfish?

Amanda - posted on 11/03/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Okay... so I really don't know where to start. I'll do my best to make this coherent. My first born son is not my husband's biological father, but he's been there since I was about 6 months pregnant. He was the first male voice that my son heard in the womb, the only person he responded so aggressively towards (meaning whenever he would touch my stomach my son would do cartwheels) he was there when he was born and has been there every minute the military has allowed. He is his father in everyway, spiritually, financially, and legally.



I've noticed that his current age, 5, is very accepting of the truth and very malleable. I want to tell him about my husband not being biologically his father for two reasons. One, I don't want him to find out from someone else. Everyone in my family knows what happened, they know DH is a wonderful father to him, and no one has said a word. I don't think any of them would ever tell him, but I also worry if he were to overhear someone talking. My mother found out about her mother being a step-mother from a neighborhood child and it left her feeling very... strange about her family afterwards. I don't want this to happen to my son. And when I talk to him I won't emphasize that DH is not his father, quite the opposite. Truly, IMO, being a father is so much more than biological.



My second reason is my selfish reason... I don't want to deny that piece of my past any longer. I don't want to feel like I'm hiding it from my son, not that I talk about it in front of him, but it is an incident that has helped to shape me into the woman I am today. I want to offer support to other women without feeling ashamed of it having happened to me. I'm not sure which reason outweighs the other... My DH actually cries when he thinks about telling our son, and I feel so selfish when I consider it. I'm in desperate need of other's advice on the subject, especially women who have had similar experiences.

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Amanda - posted on 11/03/2012

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That's kind of the point, it'll be something 'normal' about our family and not a secret, but not something important either. I don't want it to be a big deal. We explain making a baby to him as, Mommy has a piece and Daddy has a piece they put them together and make the baby. I was thinking of simply telling him Daddy did not give me the piece I needed to help make him, but that does not mean he is not Daddy. And again I would tell him how he heard Daddy's voice in the womb, Daddy would touch my belly and make him so happy. How no matter who gave me that piece Daddy is still Daddy and he loves him no matter what. Answer any questions he has, which may be next to none if he doesn't understand. I don't want to wait too long, my mother found out when she was 6 and it was pretty traumatizing for her, and I don't ever want my little boy to think he means any less to us than his brothers. He is the reason we are a family, DH fell in love with him before he did with me. He made us whole. :)

Denikka - posted on 11/03/2012

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If there was traumatic circumstances surrounding your child's conception (honestly, even if there wasn't) I would personally wait until he was a little older. At 5, I think he's too young to really understand much more beyond *your daddy isn't your real daddy*, no matter how you put it or what else you say.

I would give it a couple more years. If he starts asking questions, then answer them, but I wouldn't sit him down and tell him at this point.

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