am i in the wrong?

Cheyenne - posted on 06/07/2011 ( 11 moms have responded )

406

17

27

ok a little history before i start:

, me and my boyfriend have been together almost 4 years:the 24th will be 4 years. i moved in with him, his parents, and his grandfather in oct 2008 when i got pregnant the first time and my dad kicked me out but it ended in a miscarriage. i had another miscarriage in march 2009, then got pregnant with my son april 2009. im now pregnant with # 2.

ok, now that you know i've been with him for awhile obviously we have been around both sides of the family. my family is VERY VERY disfunctinal. my mom tried killing herself 5 years ago 3 different times. and i was abused by my brother between the ages 16-18. my sister is a pathological lair and follows whoever is getting the attention and she also has a eating disorder right now( bulimia) and my dad is just a d**k and used to be a big alcoholic but sometimes ok. my boyfriends family is loud, not afraid to say whats on there mind, drinks alot at get-togethers, and yeah. recently the last year or so i havent really ben going to anything because i dont like parties period. ive never been the one who went to a bunch of parties or drank till i threw up, or whatever, its just not my thing. every time my mother in law gets together with her brother she gets smashed. it reminds me alot of my dad and thats one reason i choose not to drink or do drugs. and im not saying that i havent drank before because i have only a few times though. it was a hard time and i drank with my boyfriend. when i first met my boyfriend i told him that if you wanna be with me that he couldnt drink, do drugs, or smoke ANYTHING. he quit for me the next day. so ive always been like that. my boyfriend doesnt really understrand why i dont like going to see his family, and its not that i dont like them but they are completely different than i was raised with and i dont like how they drink with a bunch of kids around them . to me its irresponsible. but he knows about my family and everything so i think he should understand, right? am i wrong for not wanting to be around that? i mean i do go over there for christmas but thats about it. and we actually have been invited to his cusions garduation party thats supposed to last all night long. i dont really talk to anybody in that family for the simple fact that i have nothing in common with them and i dont want to be around that, except for his sister every once in awhile. so am i wrong for it? i mean i dont want my son and this new baby going through the same thing i went through, thats why i made the desicons i did. i do go to alot of my family things but nobody drinks because usually my great grandfather is there and everyone respects him enough not to drink or curse around him. and usually our family things dont get out of hand. should i go to this party coming up or should i let my boyfriend take my son for a few hours because my boyfriend works that night so he wont be staying all night

11 Comments

View replies by

Kelly - posted on 06/09/2011

30

87

0

i agree that kids should not be around drugs or alcohol but i also believe that a little exposure to social drinking is ok. they get to see what "asses" people make of themselves, they get to see that some people do know what their limits r and they get to see that having a drink once in a while isn't a bad thing. i also believe that talking to your kids at a young age about about all of this helps them to make better choices as they get older. this isn't a one time chat, this is a weekly, monthly, yearly chat. i do not believe that they should be anywhere near any drug at any time but i do believe u should also talk to them about drugs as often as u talk about alcohol and other things.

Tasha - posted on 06/08/2011

156

0

0

Your number one priority is the well being of your children, and yourself, if you are not good, you cant be good for your chldren. Women all the time face difficult decisions regarding stuff like this, it cant be easy but knowing you are the voice for your kids has to help motivate you to do what is right, not necesarily easy. If you really trust your boyfriend, id allow him to take your son, after discussing your groung rules, such as, if there is any heavy drinking, swearing etc.. that he remove himself and your son asap. Im so sorry for your difficult situation but know that you can never shield you kids from everything, you can just be the best mom you can be, and im sure that is a great mom, you have a big background of stuff that has taught you alot of things you dont want for your children, good luck

Brandy - posted on 06/08/2011

553

23

87

if you dont feel comfortable being over there and have concerns for your children i would say dont go. it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks its your decision at this point

OhJessie - posted on 06/07/2011

318

0

14

For whatever it's worth, your kids aren't going to go through what you did - what's happening at his family's is not what happened with yours. I know it's hard to separate as alcohol is a trigger for you, but they're not your family and their dynamic isn't the same. Your boyfriend wasn't damaged by them, right? He seems to enjoy their company and want to be around them, I mean. In which case, if you can start to overcome the triggering effects of alcohol and enjoy them otherwise, it may prove well worth your while in the long run. My MIL was very very different from my (also "dysfunctional") family, but in the end I was very very glad we kept her in our lives.

Cheyenne - posted on 06/07/2011

406

17

27

@christy- he never really drank before except when he was with family. his family always pressures him to drink all the time and it upsets me. ive been around drinking all my life and thats something i dont want to be around. although i cant escape from when his mom drinks at our house i can do my best not to go anywhere that people are drinking. my dad was a stupid mean drunk. he would always curse at us, make us do a role call, tell my mom that one time she supposedly pushed him down a flight of stairs or push him off the toliet. i dont want to see that. and its worse because these people just let thier kids stay up till 2am and play in one area or not be watching them. i always end up staying with the younger kids until i leave because i dont want them wondering around. these kids are 3-8 years old. and i also have a friend who is taking care of 2 other kids along with her 2 because their mom is in iraq. and she has parties almost every weekend. she leaves the 14 year old to take care of mostly the baby but her other daughter and the 14 year olds brother. it amazes me how poeple can be just because they want to have a good time.

Mary - posted on 06/07/2011

30

8

1

If they will respect your grandfather enough not to get drunk around him, then they should do the same for you. Your boyfriend should respect you enough to have already talked to his family about their behavior. Make it clear that it makes you uncomfortanle and that you do not want your kids around that. He will support you and have a discution with them, if he cares at all how you feel.-- i hope this helps (I was in a similar situation) Good Luck :)

Christy - posted on 06/07/2011

275

14

48

You are completely in the right. I don't think you should send your son to the party where drinking is going on, that's the whole reason you don't want to be there. It's good for you to stand up for what you believe in and raise your children with standards you feel are appropriate. Those are all things your BF needs to accept about you. You said he quit drinking for you. What does he do at these parties if he's not drinking?

[deleted account]

I think it depends on how important it is for your husband to have you there with him. You said you were willing to have him take your son with him to the outing while you stayed home, so I am assuming you don't feel like the outings are dangerous, just annoying and uncomfortable for you.

I have to go to a lot of gatherings that I hate because of my husband's job. The people are snobby, they get a little too trashed, and they...how do I put this?? The hit on each other and take it a little to far, but the next day it's like nothing happened.

Anyway, it is part of my job as his wife to appear at these functions. I know your husband's job doesn't depend on your appearance at these things, but perhaps family is just as important as work to some people. I think, if going is not actually hurting you, you should probably go and support him.

Karen - posted on 06/07/2011

481

19

48

No you are not wrong. Those kind of get togethers are not suitable for children. I took my kids 1 time thinking they were too little to know what was going on and 6 months later they are still parading around, pretending to drink beer. So I will never take them again. Had they been all drinking responsibly I might, but it was all drink to get as drunk as you can kind of thing. what I suggest is you can go, but don't stay long. Arrive as early as you can, see as many family members as you can before they get wasted. Maybe eat if there is food, ect. Only plan to stay for the 1st 1-3 hrs and leave before anyone gets noticably drunk. You can entertain your child with a game or something to keep his attention off of what everyone is drinking. maybe play ring toss, horseshoes (plastic), anything you can to make it just seem like a picnic or a birthday party to the child? or simply refuse to bring your child until they can maintain themselves around them.

Melissa - posted on 06/07/2011

441

41

31

It's definitely difficult, because as a mother you want to shelter your child from undesirable situations. However, they are your sons family, and I think he should be allowed around them. I fully understand your background and how that would lead you to the decisions you've made, and that's very responsible on your part, but I think you should still involve yourself with your boyfriends family to an extent. Just out of respect if nothing else. If your boyfriend is going to bring your son for a few hours and then leave, I'd say you could do the same. Unfortunately we don't get to chose our in-laws, but we still have to live with them :0/ I will say, however, that should anything happen where things start to get out of hand, you do have the right to decide to leave right then and there. If you're concerned about the effect it could have on your son, I think you could use those potential situations for openings to conversations where you can teach your son valuable lessons about people, life and responsibility!

Heather - posted on 06/07/2011

30

68

4

your not wrong for not wanting to go. if you don't want your son to go. set up a playdate for him with a friend that way you have an excuse, i know how it is. i moved away from my family because it used to be that bad for me as well. I recently quit smoking and have never liked drinking yet my BF still drinks and smokes. and so does my whole family. everytime I'm with my family everything gets out of hand and someone ends up in the drunktank for the night.
Stick to the events that your grandfather goes to and avoid the other events. just explain to your family and his that you don't think it's suitable for you to bring your kids into that environment. My kids like testing my patience constantly and if I didn't stay on top of them they would be much worse. your doing the right thing. just use common sense and mothers intuition all the time. you'll do good. hope you make the right choice, good luck

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms