Christi - posted on 05/20/2010 ( 185 moms have responded )
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So let me give you a little background. My son is 17 months and I have been a stay at home mom since he was born. It wasn't really a choice, but I couldn't find a job. I still can't find a job and so here we are. My husband works during the day then scorekeeps softball two days during the week and weekends. I contribute to bills and groceries from inheritance. I clean, cook, make sure all the bills are paid, run errands, make doctor appoinments and so on. My husband told me the other day that I am not entitled to an opinion when it comes to finances or things that involve important decisions because I do not punch a time clock. Needless to say, I hit the roof. Was I wrong to get mad?
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Vikki - posted on 05/21/2010
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Whoa!!! You were not wrong to get mad!! Have you ever watched the TV prog Wife Swap? Its corny but it works as it gives the other half a real perspective of what their other half lives. Our is a manual labour 24/7 job, husbands can often leave their job at work and relax when they get home. We get to relax when our eyes are closed - and even then we're in bed thinking of what our tasks are for the next day!
What does he consider important decisions? What your son eats? Whether he has clean clothes?
Seriously if you had to swap roles for even just 1 day, who would cope better? You in his job or he in your job? OK women are better at childcare, its the way we are made but thats not the point, are we going back to the dark ages where women had to protest for equal rights?
Nowadays they are thinking of changing the law so that if a couple divorce the woman is treated the same as the man, and doesn't necessarily "get half of everything" as she is seen more as an equal. So if the government are making that stance, your husband is getting it all wrong.
I love my job. I stay at home and look after my children and my family (which includes my mum and my sister), its a never ending job. I do feel uneasy sometimes about not being able to contribute financially, but the job we're doing is priceless. You absolutely CANNOT put a price tag on the value we bring to a family home.
Punching a clock is not the only way to support your family. If your family were rich, could afford every luxury, but had no cohesion as a family what would be the point of all that cash? Support is financial and emotional and a ton of other things, it cannot be boiled down to 'punching a clock' in order to have an opinion. I am getting a bit emotional now myself. I hope you find a way to put your point across to your husband, and I hope he can see the value in all that you do for him and your child.
Bethany - posted on 05/21/2010
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oh man, don't get me started! This is a material world where the $ rules. Or so alot of breadwinners think. He needs to consider the financial contribution you are making just doing what you're doing. Sit down and figure out how much it would cost to get someone in to clean, and someone to nanny and someone to cook and someone to shop (they exist you know).
We just do this stuff automatically, thinking we're not contributing, but we are, monumentally.
What an absolutely ridiculous thing for a grown man to say, and a husband, no less. That's love for ya. We really should nail those vows up on the wall, or on the back of the toilet door, you know, about loving and cherishing and protecting...
We don't punch a time clock because it NEVER ENDS.
Katey - posted on 05/27/2010
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NOPE!!!! I would have done the same thing. My husband works 8-10 hours a day as a contractor, he makes okay money. He always asks me if it's okay to get this or that, or if we can do this or do that. And if I tell him we can't afford, he don't question me. I clean, cook, do the doctors appointments, run his errands when he needs me to. You had every right to get mad. You should have told him that being a mom is a full time job. Because it is. My daughter is not even a month old yet, and I need help from him at night after working, and he helps.
Liz - posted on 05/27/2010
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Holy hell! No, you were NOT wrong to get mad! He has NO right to dictate like that. You are in a marriage as a partner, not a paid slave!
Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself, and if you at any time feel like you are being cornered, domineered or abused, get out and save yourself and your child!
Also, I would advise you to make sure that your inheritance money is ONLY in your name. Protect what assets you have.
Jennifer - posted on 05/27/2010
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All I can say is we'd be getting ALOT of overtime & we would bring home ALOT more $$$$$ then our spouses if we had to clock in because we would never clock out!!!! I felt bad when I was laid off after I had my triplets(2 girls & my boy) 20mos. old & to a certain extent my husband felt the same as your (not saying things that directly) but he would have some comments that would have been better left unsaid - It bothered me & I did explain that I understand all the weight of just paying the bills was extreme, but he gets his breaks, he goes & does all he wants w/o the babies in tow - I on the other hand have NOT slept in in way over 365 days, my breaks are cleaning & doing other tasks when they are asleep & trying to do that quietly is a task all in itself - I love my children & if not making dinner or cleaning up before he gets home doesn't happen, I'm ok with that & he just needs to get over it - our children grow up so fast & I feel priviledged that I can enjoy ever moment with them, get a new prospective on life thru their eyes. They are so beautiful & such a joy to be around I'm so glad I don't have to punch out, I'm glad it's neverending(sometimes) LOL -
My Suggestion : get a time sheet & write all you do, show it to him & see what he thinks it worth..... Have him write you a check & put it in the babys acct. maybe that will opens his eyes............
Like another said - you can't put a pricetag on raising your children, it is priceless...............
I love everything about being with them & I did get quotes from daycares & sitters showed it to my husband & said think it over, let me know if you really want me to go back to work......
Needless to say I have yet to rec. his answer :) Don't let him make you feel bad for doing what your doing - just know your not alone :) Enjoy your little man :)