Am I wrong to be jealous?

Lynn - posted on 03/31/2010 ( 17 moms have responded )

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Am I wrong? I am a stay at home mom so all my time is spent w/the kids. My husband works but on his time off he goes off for hours(sometimes the whole day) to hang out with his friends to top it all off he seems to have a lot of female friends. He still talks to his ex- girlfriend as well. I try hard not to start fights by bringing it up but lately I find my self very jealous. Of both him hanging out while I am always with the children(I love them deeply don't get me wrong) and talking to the ex and these females.I know I can't control who he speaks to or who speaks to him. So I try to shake it off, because saying any thing will cause a fight. Any advice on how to deal with this green eyed monster ?

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Kayliecia - posted on 03/31/2010

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Im the same way..although i did have some issues with my husband and addiction but thats a whole nother ball game..I would talk to ur husband and tell him to give it to you straight whats going on? communication is key! If your concerned i would go with him because he shouldnt have any problem with you going with him to see what hes up to on a daily basis..your his wife you shouldn't feel like ur starting fights.

Chelle - posted on 03/31/2010

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Hey Lyn i would first ask yourself why do you feel jealous? Is it a lack of trust on his part or an insecurity on yours. Sometimes when we are feeling more fragile- through exhaustion or being run down- our emotions and tolerances to things that would not normally annoy us are heightened. In terms of your other comment, i think you have every right to feel a little resentful about the fact your husband sees himself as entitled to just turn work off and hang out and relax. Stay at home mothers, don't have any concrete boundaries with their role, which is where the problem comes in i think. Honestly if i was in your shoes, i would talk to your husband about both issues of concern and perhaps you can arrange for a couple of hours each weekend where he can look after the kids and you can have some "me" time. Good luck

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Koyoa - posted on 04/03/2010

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i feel the same way sumtimes im a stay @ home mom n dont have frinds but i kinda get jealous when he goes out not bcuz wanna spent all ur free time 2gether (but sumtimes i do) its jus not fair that ur work day ends n u get 2 hang out contrary 2 sum mens belief a mothers work is never done our work days dnt end sumtimes i just wanna rest n do sumthin 4 myself

the thing that worked for us is jus talkin about it he dosent kno hes doin sumthing that makes u jealous if u dnt tell him i really think it will help u u have a rite 2 b jealous we all do were only human

Caitlin - posted on 04/03/2010

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One thing that I would like to add after reading the other posts is that talking to him has never worked for me. It just seemed to make things much worse as he would say things like you don't understand you are controlling me you complain about everything and you took all my friends away from me.....well what about me I would say to him, I moved here 3 years ago still have no friends, am a SAHM and feel very unattractive to you because you are out behind my back with other women talking crap about me!!

So now I am trying the tharapy because talking to him did nothing but make him want to do "his thing" and "be himslef" with out me.

Caitlin - posted on 04/03/2010

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My partner and I are going through a very simular thing right now. We were very recently going to call off our relationship but we decided to try one last thing. We are going to tharapy. We start this week. You are not wrong at all to feel jelous. In my opinion (because I'm going through it), he is being disrespectful and very selfish. He is not single any more and should be thinking of family oriented activities. I could say a lot right now but l don't want to get into too much personal details.

I hope that the two of you can work things out if not just for each other but for the sake of your kids.

Joy - posted on 04/03/2010

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I have had to deal with similar issues. what I know is I can not control anyone, and the harder I try the worse I feel and the worse things get...I end up pushing him in the other direction anyway, so, I either trust my husband or I don't. And i discovered that its not his job to make me feel secure or take care of my social needs. If I need time out and leaving him with th kids is not an option, I can find other childcare via family or friends or even one day a week at a daycare. the less angry and selfpitying I am the better mommy i can be. Remember all you can do is YOUR BEST, not his. Its ok to be you and its ok for him to be him.

Sarah - posted on 04/01/2010

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im in a silimar situation, my fiancee goes out unexpectedly, one second hes playing the enxt he gets a text message and im gone out for a few hours, i work and take care of our son, i'm working in a job that i can take my kid with me so im with him 24/7. and when i doe make plans to go out he goes right on after work with his buddies and i dont even know until i message him asking where he is and he says at the bar having a few drinks. i wish i knew what to tell you but i dont even know what to tell myself

Leza - posted on 04/01/2010

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you definitely need to have a heart to heart, first with yourself then with him. He's being extremely disrespectful to you but he may not know it. Sit down with him (just the two of you) and let him know how you feel about what he does. If you loves you he will want to make you happy. If you tell him you don't like him talking to his ex then that should be the end of it because you are his wife but if he continues then he's choosing her over you and that's not how a marriage should work. You may have to do some REAL soul searching for yourself to be happy.

Karla - posted on 04/01/2010

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I agree with the other women on here, you need to talk to him about your feelings. It wont do any good keeping them bottled up. I too had similar problems with my man. He works all day and come home takes a nap, stays on the computer, or etc. He even goes to the local convient store and hangs out with his guy friends and when I say I want to go he says I don't want to get the baby out in this weather. I stay at home all day and we are a one car family and he gets it for work, so I'm at the house all day by myself with our baby with no car, so even if I wanted to get out and hang out with friends or run errands or just to get out, i have to wait till after he gets off. I think this is one reason myself and many others want to get out and do things. It gets SO boring doing the same thing over and over again without being able to get out.



I also think you should just load up the kids, or make plans for someone to watch them for a little bit, and when he tries to go somewhere go with him. That's what I did. My hubby didnt want me going with him and his friend to a local shooting range, but I got in the car and went anyways. Granted all I did was sit in the car with our baby (don't worry, we couldnt hear a thing) but I knew it kinda made him made that I went and it pleased me in a way.



Fights stink in relationship but sometimes that is what it takes to fix things. We had a fight a couple weeks ago about him talkin this girl. She liked to flirt with him adn it pissed me off because she knew he is with me and that we have a child. So anyways i said something to him during our fight and they havent talked since! The best thing to do is talk to him because if you dont your mind will wonder and you'll think bad things.

In my opinion, he shouldnt be talking to his ex in the first place. That would send me over the edge. Don't worry, youre not over reacting at all.

Chelsea Cleo - posted on 04/01/2010

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Aww man thats horrible. My partner goes to work and in his spare time is either on the computer or doing his hobbies with friends etc and i feel jealous too!
I dont really know how to help but what I would do in your situation is id talk to my partner calmly, id ask why he is talking to his ex and all these females, id especially let him know how i felt about it. if he is getting angry at you even for doing that, it sounds like something is up. Maybe try get it out of him?
I would be feeling the same!

Shayna - posted on 03/31/2010

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I would not be happy either!
My hubby doesn't not have any girl friends he hangs out with alone, nor do I have any guy friends I hang out with alone. We both would not be comfortable with it. Some people are different and are ok with it don't get me wrong. It's easy for us, because were on the same boat, I can see how it could cause problems when the other person is not. My hubby does go out with guy friends time to time, and I go out with girl friends with out him, I think that is healthy for a relationship. I don't think it is ok that you have to be stuck home with the children all the time, he should be spending time with you guys and giving you a break.

The only real way to deal with it, is to talk to him & let him know how you feel about everything. You should be doing fun things as a family & of course doing things that you enjoy for yourself. It's hard when a working father doesn't give you enough credit for the work you do at home. We truly have the hardest jobs!

Catherine - posted on 03/31/2010

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Before I read your other replies...I know this may not sound good....but why should he hang out with other females when he has you to hang out with? I wouldnt like it one bit unless I was with him. On the other hand....would he like it that you hang out with other men while he stayed home with the kids?

[deleted account]

Correction: I re read what the original post said and I retract my statement. It is most DEFINITELY normal and okay for you to be jealous. I just thought that I read that you DID bring it up and it caused a fight. Now that I read it right, you really need to bring it up. Sometimes fights help. It's emotion that you need to get out. If you stay home ALL the time and are with the kids 24/7 then all your gonna get is resentment. If not for one both of them. And even if you take a day with your husband you still need a day for you. For your girls, for your boys, for whoever you want to spend you time with. Without your family. Just to breathe. Go circle wal mart parking lot lol. Just breathe. I go to the gym 4 days a week just so I can get some space (and my body back). It helps WONDERS. Some days my husband comes and others he doesnt. Try it.



Not to mention I think everyone gets jealous of the ex. I might be married to him but sometimes I ask my self what if? He could have stayed with her and not me. She's more fun then me. She parties, doesn't have responsibilities, does whatever she wants. Here I am slaving in the house, taking care of the baby, trying to look good again, and still balance a marriage. But in the end I have everything she doesnt. Him, his child, his love, our home, and our marriage. It'll get better. Just take some you time to focus

[deleted account]

Very true. In high school I had a best friend that was a guy. We stayed all night together constantly and no matter how many times people would ask us if something was going on the answer was always the same. No. We were just truly best friends. He stayed with me, I stayed with him, we even slept in the same bed but nothing at all EVER happened. Not even a kiss. He could be really good friends with them. I had more guys than girls. Ratio was like 10 guys for every 1 girl lol.

Although that is true I still find it as disrespect that he doesnt listen to you, talk to you, understand. Well not understand. Just that he doesnt seem to WANT to understand I suppose. I just find it completely selfish that he gets all the free time while you man the ship. I will admit me and my husband are pretty much twins. Even have the same birthday lol. We have the exact same opinions, taste in things, and disagree on the same. Were yet to have an actual fight after all this time. I just know how I felt when I had ppd and that was what I always wanted to do. Well if you can do this I can do that. Childish but in my defense I had a baby lol. Like 99% of the population. I still think you need to just up and decide to go out though. Like... tomorrow or this weekend. Dont give him notice so he cant change your mind. Seriously just get up and say "I think I'm gonna ________" and then do it. You'll feel better. He can have some family time. And then also see what it's like in a day in the life of a SAHM

Chelle - posted on 03/31/2010

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I know i seem to be in the minority opinion here when i say i don't think couples have to always go out together. I also see no harm in couples having friends of the opposite sex that they hang out with. I don't think couples that are not always in each others pockets are in trouble, in fact imo, i see them as stronger for it. A couple comprises of two separate people not one. And although some very close couples such as ours work as if we are one mind, we still have time and interests away from each other. This may not work for everyone, but it works for us. Spose what i am trying to say here August, that just because the husband does not go out everywhere with his wife is not an indicator of disrespect. And in terms of isnt he listening, it is quite possible that although Lyn feels this situation acutely, i don't get the impression she feels in the position to raise it, so he is not going to know its bothering her unless she says something. We forget our partners are not mind readers and sometimes they assume things are ok, because we dont say any different :)

[deleted account]

Well, I had some ppd when I had my son and I was BAD jealous. I was starting fights left and right. It was just hormones though. Sounds to me like you just need a break. And no offense but it also sounds like he doesn't respect you. My husband would NEVER do anything like that remotely. If he goes out I go out -together. I dont think he respects you for a few possibilities. 1.) if your a SAHM then you dont bring in money, (just assuming) thus he works, and deserves it more (to him). 2.) is there something going on for you not to trust him? Like maybe he talks to more females and exs because... well you know. 3.) He doesnt seem that interested in you anymore. Other people are more fun.

Granted I'm just going on a whim here and this could be completely irrelevant. Please dont take offense. That's just the first thing that pops into my mind. However, if it's really bothering you then I'm surprised he hasnt noticed or is really listening to you. Maybe you should do this. When he comes home you do EXACTLY what he does to you. Say hey I'm going out with so and so and then DO IT. Let him have a taste of his own medicine. And dont act like it bothers you. One thing I've learned from dating -NEVER let them know it bothers you. When you do then they have power over you. Just act like you dont care and do as you please. Eventually he'll notice something is up.

Chelle - posted on 03/31/2010

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Hey Lyn i would first ask yourself why do you feel jealous? Is it a lack of trust on his part or an insecurity on yours. Sometimes when we are feeling more fragile- through exhaustion or being run down- our emotions and tolerances to things that would not normally annoy us are heightened. In terms of your other comment, i think you have every right to feel a little resentful about the fact your husband sees himself as entitled to just turn work off and hang out and relax. Stay at home mothers, don't have any concrete boundaries with their role, which is where the problem comes in i think. Honestly if i was in your shoes, i would talk to your husband about both issues of concern and perhaps you can arrange for a couple of hours each weekend where he can look after the kids and you can have some "me" time. Good luck

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