Another Hubby Problem!

Melissa - posted on 08/05/2011 ( 55 moms have responded )

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I have seen so many post about issues with husbands and when is my day off and I am in the same boat. This time I am at the end of my rope. Fighting over EVERYTHING! My husband does not ever listen to me, ever! I have been begging for a break just a small one, still never get one. When I do make plans I always have to either cancle or cut it short because of my husband. he on the other hand is always telling me "I am gonna go do this go do that...blah blah blah....He can just up and go when ever he feel like it but I have to beg, and rarely get to choose when I get a break. So for 2 years I have been wanting to be spoiled just a tiny bit, I have been wanting a day to myself...and nothing. Noe the kicker he is currently in Vegas with his buddies for 5 days....I have never been so angery, sad, and full of anxiety in my life! He doesnt get it at all! The days leading up to his leaving I thought for sure I would get something..nope instead I got him saying "im goona go play golf with my biddies, Im going to lunch with a friend, then when i just said hey I am gonna take a day to myself..we fight and I end up depressed in my bed. The fight started because of what I was wearing...he said I look fat, then said well you want me to be honest...well the fact is every outfit I own right now makes me look big because I am bigger than I was once was and he hates everything I wear. So anyway, am I crazy to be this upset that he is in Vegas right now and I am thinking of leaving him because of the combination of everything else. he know how I feel and I have been trying to get things to change for over a year now.

UM he has been in Vegas for 2 days and I haven't heard from him...I am very angry and now thinking I have no choice but to end this. He is so selfish!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jane - posted on 08/05/2011

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If you are planning to divorce then I suggest you take some of your earnings and stash them away so you have a nest egg. Divorce is expensive in more ways than one, and you cannot count on any income from him.

Jane - posted on 08/05/2011

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I suggest counseling - first for you so you can learn to deal with your anger and so you can get some input on what to do. If you still see value in your relationship with your husband you might consider creating your own breaks - hire a babysitter for a day so you can treat yourself at a spa, or find a Mother's Day Out program to give yourself a few hours off. If the money is there you might consider joining a gym that has childcare so you can work out and get back to how you want your body to be. The last thing to consider is a divorce, because then you are on your own with no one to give you a break ever.

Then I suggest you find a time when you and your husband are both calm and relaxed, and talk to him about your feelings about his activities. See if you can convince him to come to counseling as well, but at the very least make sure he understands your feelings.

Good luck! It sounds as if your husband is very immature.

Christina - posted on 08/09/2011

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First thing......You have to take care of you!!!! It is hard to be a good mom when you have so much anger- I have been there. I went to counseling myself ( my husband would not) to learn to like myself again. It is amazing what their actions and words can do to us. I have 2 children and they are my life! Funny when u here people stay for the children...divorce should not be an option. You are the one living your life.....make sure you have a plan on how to take care of yourself- get in shape...mentally and physically...and of course financially. You cannot make good decisions with anger and depression. Good luck...and remember be good to yourself:) you can always trade a day with a friend!

Melissa - posted on 08/05/2011

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Thanks Jane..I know it will be so hard divorced. Unfortunately we are beyond broke, that is a big reason I am so mad at him being in Vegas.
We have tried counseling and talking but nothing ever changes. I want so badly to have a partnership not what we have now. He never understands my feelings on anything. On everything he disagrees. It is just a never ending cycle. I have taken on a job to make ends meet but I think I am going to take some of that money for myself. He has no problem spending money we don't have.

I will try counseling one more time though!

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User - posted on 09/14/2011

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You poor thing! They can be so horrible can't they? I think that the only way, since he wont listen to you, is to convince him to go to a counselling professional together so he/she can mediate the conversation between you. If he won't do it for you ask him to do it for the kids. He is being very selfish and hurtful. Look for help and make sure you have a network you can count on. Best of luck!

[deleted account]

You need to take things into your hands and quit being a door mat!! Why must you cut your night outs short?? If your already out then you stay out. Dont ask him just do it. If he does not care to consult with you about plans and such then you shouldnt either. Obviously this is hard with children and it seems like sometimes mommas get the short end of the stick because we feel more obligated to stay home than the daddies do. That really pisses me off. If none of this is possible leave his ass girl you dont need him.

Staci - posted on 09/04/2011

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My husband and I just had the same situation (not nearly that bad), and I was spending a lot of time out as well not just him. We finally sat down and figured out that the root of our issues was bc we were spending too much time with other ppl and not enough time together. Try creating a calendar, put it on the fridge and maybe for a couple weeks write out what he does and what you do outside the house. Example Monday: Dad Golf, Mom Grocery Shopping Tuesday: Dad Dinner Out. Get as detailed as you want if it becomes about chores (laundry, dishes, cleaned kitchen) then so be it. Once you have a good amount charted out discuss it with him, he can't deny the black and white. Maybe once he sees a visual it will "click" and he will understand where your coming from. If it needs to get nitty gritty with times then so be it! He needs to understand that there needs to balance. I hope that his nights out occasionally include you-date nights and stuff. It sounds like he needs to be worrying less about his buddies and more about his wife and kids that are at home. I hope you can get through to him!

Melissa - posted on 08/30/2011

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Haha Girl I have tried that....I get quilted into coming home early or not going because we run our (he runs) a small business out of the house from 4-8pm so he makes me feel like I should take my son or not go in case things get busy. Or Ill have plans and something comes up with his"work" and I have to rush home. He runs two businesses basically from the house, he has to leave and the drop of a hat sometimes to take care of things yet some how every single time he has something "fun" to do ie: sports or friend time, Vegas, work can be put aside....so annoying! I feel so much relief since I kicked him out....Maybe I just need a break from him!

Alissia - posted on 08/30/2011

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Girl I don't know how old your kids are but mine are 4, 2, and 1. I got into the same rut of not having any free time. But can I ask you a question? WHY are you ASKING him? Last time I checked we are grown women. If you are old enough to raise your kids (alone apparently) then his narrow behind can watch his own kids too. When my husband comes home and I know he doesn't have to go anywhere, I just get dressed and walk out. Believe me, your kids won't die. So say it with me, GET DRESSED, SAY I'M TAKING SOME TIME FOR ME, AND LEAVE. You freakin deserve it. These men get on my nerves some time. All they gotta do is get you knocked up and then feel like they shouldn't have to take care of the kids they helped create. It was half their job to create them, it should be half their job to take care of them. And I don't care how you slice it, their 8 to 12 hours at work will NEVER make up for the 24 hours a day job that we have. So take a break. If his butt doesn't like it, that's his problem.

Ivy - posted on 08/30/2011

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He is so selfish. You've done what you needed to do. It will be hard at first but then you'll see how much happier you are and so will your children.

Markea - posted on 08/29/2011

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You are not a terrible mother. You are a great woman, who needs time to breathe. There is not shame in that. And let him learn on his own. Just make sure that he gets the kids for about 2 days with no help from you, let him learn what it is like. Good luck, keep your head up.

Melissa - posted on 08/29/2011

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Just kicked him out...he doesn't get it...
He just had a friend stay over this weekend and partied the entire time! Then I asked if I could have a break and he said no he has fantasy football....So over it!
I have to say though this is so much harder than I thought it would be. I feel like a terrible mother.....

Markea - posted on 08/29/2011

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If you need a day take it and if he can not understand that, how selfish of him! Sounds like he has an "its all about me" complex. Counseling may work but then again he could walk out of the session asking you why would you say that or how could make that person think bad about him. Just be careful, and he is gone, so do something to make your self happy.

Katie - posted on 08/28/2011

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what does he think you are his slave? He sounds abusive, disrespectful, hurtful, and cowardly. NO MAN SHOULD EVER TELL HIS WIFE SHE LOOKS FAT. You don't need to take that crap from him or anyone else in this world. You do deserve a break. We all need one from time to time. He does sound like he has left the marriage, and I would test him as well when he gets back (great idea ladies!!)), If counseling didn't work before, what are the chances it might work this time. What is there left worth saving? Hugs!

Mary Ann - posted on 08/26/2011

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I can certainly understand why you're upset. I would be too, and I don't know of anyone who wouldn't be! It's kind of difficult to give advice when I only hear one side of the story. However, it's obvious that he does have issues. He puts you down over what you wear, he thinks it's okay to go out and have fun, but you can't. The fact that he insults you over what you wear tells me he is insensitive emotional abusive. The fact that he can go out and have fun, when he gets upset that you want a little 'me' time also tells me he is emotional abusive because he has absolutely no regard for your feelings, and then flaunts it, so to speak, that HE can have fun, and you can't. I think it's time for marriage counseling, if you haven't tried it already. If he refuses to get counseling, so be it, but you can get counseling even if he doesn't. Find your strengths and use them! Otherwise, your self-esteem will only get lower. Best wishes!

Melissa - posted on 08/25/2011

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Thanks guys,,,unfortunatly nothing has changed, I am still on a quick time limit when I want to do something...he however has gone out twice this week...granted he took our son one night to dinner with the guys while i was at work...but he spent money we don't have and left our business we run from the house and now he is out with the guys again....He will never get it! I feel stuck with no family or real friends here...just pray for me THANKS GUYS!

Crystal - posted on 08/25/2011

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I'm sorry to hear that you're going thru this... if you truly feel that there is no fixing your marriage, then get out. You need to put yourself and your child first; he obviously is not. If you feel like you can stay and try and work things out... maybe when he gets home, and so he clearly gets the picture, when he gets home, you leave! Leave for a few hours, or the day. If it were me, I would say "Hi honey, how was your trip, here's the baby, and have a good day, I'll be back later." I know as a Mom its so hard to do, but we have to take control of our own lives. Its time you stop ASKING PERMISSION and just do it. :) Best of luck in whatever you decide is best for YOU and your child.

Kerry - posted on 08/25/2011

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I can understand exactly where you are comming from my husband is the same going out to football weekends etc getting up to god knows what, he says its nice to get with the guys he don't see often which I can understand but the pictures on facebook tells me a completely different story, when he tells me who he's been with, its like we are ment for just one thing.......doing their chores and nothing else WE GOT FEELINGS TOO !

Jane - posted on 08/20/2011

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dya have kids at home is that why you cant hav a day off? how about going to church or the community centre, its free and you can talk to peole there and have a laugh and boy!! your depressed.

there must be some sign he still loves u and u love him cos you wouldnt be crying out for a solution

how about askin him to come home and have a romantic night in

me n my hubby are broke, i go for walks and take pictures of the countrysside and things like that and he plays games on the computer, sometimes its lonely as if its raining i aint got owt to do, and he sits playin games, so i start excercising, and then he joins in, its quite hilarious as he cant keep in time and stuff but we fall about laughing

ask him to buy u a new out fit if he thinks ya look frumpy. sing him that song by lisa stansfield
i may not be a lady....but im al woman.......

he must love ya otherwise he wouldnt come home to ya xxx

kiss n make up xxxx

User - posted on 08/15/2011

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Sure, you can go to counseling but if he doesn't want to change or refuses to see what he's doing, no counselor anywhere is gonna fix it for you, it's alright to blithely say, go to counseling, read a few books, TALK to him if your married to a great guy, but if your with someone who refuses all of that, then what do you expect to happen? Be a doormat for the rest of your life? Absolutely NO! No man is worth your self-respect and happiness! Go with your gut, kick his ass out and be a better person for it! Lots of love and prayers!

Pamela - posted on 08/15/2011

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Hang in there, don't leave your husband yet. I would feel hurt & angry too. Before you leave, think about counseling. Make a real effort, if nothing more, you want to tell your kids you did everything you could to keep your marriage together someday. I would seek professional help, & maybe read a few books on communication b/f calling it quits- at least that way when you decide
To leave you feel better about it. Good luck!

Heather - posted on 08/15/2011

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Yes, you are justified. I would have already beat him within an inch of his life. Change the locks. Find a good attorney, and put his crap out. It is SO not worth the anxiety that it is creating for yourself. You owe YOURSELF more respect than that. I have great friends who won't leave their husbands because they don't want their kids to not have a dad. Sorry, but leaving doesn't remove their dad from their lives, unless their dad choosing to not be a part of it. YOU on the other hand are the primary care giver (obviously), and therefore need to be happy and healthy in order to do that. Be strong, but be gone!!!

User - posted on 08/15/2011

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Honey, you need to open your eyes and re-read your post. You are sooo very important, your raising this gift from God and you absolutely DESERVE to be treated with RESPECT and LOVE! If your not getting that, then YOU need to do something about it. YOU are responsible for your happiness, you show people how to treat you. You do and your husband needs to grow up and be a MAN. Maybe he will, maybe he won't, but I think deep down in your heart you know what you need to do. Don't SETTLE! EVER! Life is short, make yours what you want it to be. If he won't shape up, it's time to ship out! Also, the child is yound now, yes? Eventually, he or she will start to notice how dad treats mom. And if you want a day, take it! Don't ask your husband, just tell him, you have the kid on this day, I'm out. To bad if he fights it, don't even get into it with him because that's his way of getting you to do what HE wants. You don't have to listen, but I was in a similar situation when my kids were young and my mom sat me down and made me wake up an's see what I was allowing to happen to me. You have THE most important job in the world, you deserve to have your break. You will be a better momma for it! Lots of love and prayer!

Laurie - posted on 08/13/2011

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I know what you mean I have been there. I have three boys and I never ever got a break I had a huge meltdown in Oct. three years ago. It was the kids fall break and I stayed in my pjs all day and lost it. I told my husband that I was going to leave him I wanted a divorce because at least then every other weekend I would have a mini vacation. That I needed a break and one way or another I was going to get it. Now he not only willingly but he actually straightens up when I go out 2-3 times a week. Granted I only go to the gym for about an hour, but I get out of the house I work out the stress and tension. And we are much happier because of it. If explaining your need for a break doesn't work then try just leaving say I'm going to the store and leave for a few hours. He is more then capable of handing his children for a few hours. I hope that eventually your husband gets it soon. But not only will you be a better Mommy with a break you will be happier and he will be too.

Christine - posted on 08/09/2011

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I hear you!! My hubby is the same way. I have ful responsibility of everything inside of the house, excluding the bills- he controls that. I never get a break but he can walk in and out as he whenever he wants without even saying where he is going. It's ridiculous!! I have to walk on eggshells about things right before I schedule anything for myself so he doesn't get mad and do his own thing that day. Does it get better as the kids get older???? That's what people say to me.

Jennifer - posted on 08/09/2011

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Okay, first of all, this would be spousal abuse. He is alienating you from everything and telling you that you cannot go out. Fighting with you only makes it worse, I am not sure counseling will help. I had problems with my marriage not too long ago, but it was managable. My husband is getting ready to go to another state with a friend in September, but we have an agreement. I get to go out of town for a day with a friend and spend time away from the kids and him. That is hard, considering he is disabled and both of our kids are under 3 years old. So, I have had to make special arrangements, but it is well worth it knowing I am going to get a break. If he is making you feel like that, you first need to get counseling for you or couples counseling will NEVER work. I know this, because I have been there. If you let it go too long, you will end up like I was. I just broke...mentally, physically, and emotionally. You owe it to yourself to STICK UP FOR YOURSELF. It won't hurt him or you for you to do this. He needs to understand your needs, and if he cannot understand them, it is time to take time apart. Let him know just how much you do for him. This way he sees all that you do and support him in. Or, you can just let it keep going and end up suffering badly to the point of no return. Battered wife syndrome is hard to detect, unless you know what you are looking for. And, in all honesty, you have the beginning stages of it. Get help before it is too late.

Suzanne - posted on 08/08/2011

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Hi Danita, I do understand that marriage is nice and is great if all things are working well and I fully respect that and all views. However, when one person either man/woman is getting ill treated, abused or a lot more. I think it is time to call it quits. At least a trial seperation might be helpful to all parties. Will show what is going to be missed if you do decide to get a divorce. My mother finally got the nerve to leave my father who was a violent alcololic. She did this with 2 young kids and it was the best move, he was creating very scared and upset children and the effects are still seen from our childhood. We are now grown up, however leaving ensured that we are now independent, and able to be the person that we were meant to be rather than being molded by a man who is an angry person who scared us then. I know this is not the same situation and I myself would not want to get divorced, however if I had to leave I would take my kids and go, I would start again and work at it for them. I know people get divorced too quickly but as stated before, if you have a trial seperation and no divorce then you can have counselling and see if it might work. Make a decision from there. I am worried that making people feel that staying in a bad relationship just due to marriage or kids is o.k is bad, as an unhealthy relationship with or without kids is still damaging. I value marriage and the relationship, I just don't value one party not valuing what goes with it and what is involved.

Danita - posted on 08/08/2011

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Please make sure you think this through. I am a firm believer also in death till us part. Go to church, you can do that with your kids. Find a way to make it. I know you have to think about yourself, this is true, however; you must think about your children. Growing up with divorced parents is hard. It's hard on me as an adult. Both my husband and I have divorced parents and because they decided they were gonna split up, we have to go to 4 different places on holidays and such, we have to answer questions from our children about why they don't live together, and frankly it's exhausting. I'm still resentful about it to this day. My husband and I don't even use the "D" word in our vocabulary. It's not an option for us. Adapt and overcome. Please give your family a fighting chance. I'm not preaching at you, I just hate to see things like this happen to families. You have a valid point, and I have sympathy for you, but I think you can work it out. Society today has made it SO okay to just pack up and go. That is why there are so many broken families. If it weren't so accepted, it wouldn't happen nearly as much as we see it. Think of it this way. Years ago, women who got pregnant out of wedlock, or very young were sent away to have their babies because it wasn't something that was socially acceptable. Women and girls knew this, so they were less likely to let it happen to them. Now a days we have reality shows about teen moms. We see it so often that it's we are numb to the harsh reality of it. Well, divorce is the same way. Don't become a statistic. All you can do is your best, I know. Just make sure that you can truly say that's what you did. Prayers and thoughts are with you.

Melissa - posted on 08/08/2011

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Thanks Mary...unfortunatly we, mainly I have read them all! I try very hard to apply the techniques daily but as I started growing so resentful I stopped...I know I should keep doing them though! I am going to go get that now and read it again while my LO sleeps. Thanks!

Mary - posted on 08/08/2011

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I just want to recommend a book for all who have these issues,"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Especially chapter 12 'Loving the Unlovely.' It really helped me.

Mabel - posted on 08/08/2011

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I actually think about just walking out all the time.Just putting my hands in the air and saying to hell with this bull shit and walking out.

Lynsey - posted on 08/08/2011

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I think for your own sanity and for the sake of your child/ren, you should plan to leave this selfish man. Parenting should be a shared responsibility. It may be the wake up call that your husband needs.

Melissa - posted on 08/08/2011

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THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH....I Know what I need to do...and I am going to take control of myself back! All of you have given me the courage it will take to do so...Not thinking divorce right now but def. a separation...he just wont get it any other way!

Marnie - posted on 08/08/2011

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Melissa, I am not there but as so many moms on here, have either heard or lived some version of the story. Here is my two cents; people only change when they want to. I have been in therapy for years (because let me tell you, what an awesome outlet!!) and one thing that has never changed is the understanding is that you can only control what YOU are doing/feeling/experiencing. And secondary is that expectations can be a very dangerous place-most often with the bar either set when it shouldn't or set too high for others.
My husband and I have been through tough times and let me tell ya, divorce was talked about often! Thank God he kept us together. Raising a child is so much harder than anyone can ever prepare you for ESPECIALLY when finances are not a luxury!!
So my suggestion is YOU!! Take care of you even if it is within the marriage. I hate to say it and sounds so crass to say out loud, it but don't look to him for anything. Trust that you have the capacity to do it!! Find additional resources that will help you get what you need-in our area it is a 211 number that directs you to what our community resources are. Take care of yourself like you are single without the stress of living seperate until you can live seperate.
As already said, he has left the marriage emotionally and the harder you push, the harder he runs. You cannot make him care-that's up to him and it doesn't sound like he is going to as you want him too.
You deserve more than this, you are worth it and no other person has the right to tell you otherwise EVER!!

Jennifer - posted on 08/08/2011

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iam so sorry you are going threw all that. may i ask why is he in vag with out you? it makes it hard to be able to go here and there after you have kids. he shouldnt of left you behind. to bad you could start a moms club or somthing take turns watching each other kids to have brake.

Tara - posted on 08/07/2011

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My heart so goes out to you!! I watched my own mom struggle through years of similar stuff. However, divorce has only made it harder for her because he still doesn't think about the family and the child support is sporadic and not enough (even though he makes SO much more than her) plus she now has to work full time and spend even less time with the younger kids still at home, AND she has no one else at home now ever...

My advice, women are often not as straightforward as they think they are. They usually beat around the bush and don't tell their husbands their needs as straight as they need to hear it. It's okay to say "I'm going to go out by myself one night a week." and then don't let him start a fight with you about it. Just give him some warning, ask what day works best for him, and then do it! He needs that time to try to juggle kids and dinner and cleaning and bedtimes and see how hard you work. Or even start by scheduling your work while he's at home with the kids so he CAN'T talk you out of it!!

With the money, he has to see where it's going and understand less has to go out than is coming in! So approach him as if "you need help" figuring out the budget crunch - show him all the income, all the bills, how much on food etc each month and ask him to make up and balance the budget to see if he can get it to work (don't even show him your budget if you have one, he will only understand if he sees it as a problem he can come into as the man of the house and fix.) Then take away both of your debit cards or check books and have him put together cash envelopes for the budget to make sure you can "both" stay within budget and know where the money is supposed to go. Save receipts for everything so it's clear the money you spent went where it was supposed to go and you can both go over both people's spending at the end of the month. If you two can work on even a goal like that together it will drastically improve your partnership and make him feel like he has some power in the relationship and his life and the know-how to make positive changes - really important for guys. He may actually be feeling as out of control as you and not know what to do...

Finding a good counselor is great, but even reading books like "The 5 love languages" could really help you figure out what he may be missing at home and once he feels nurtured there, he will start nurturing you again.

If none of it works, just make sure when you are done, you say straight out, "I'm going to take the children and leave if you cannot change this and this." Sometimes all a guy needs is a little kick in the ass to make him realize he doesn't want to lose you and actually has to make changes.

Best of luck and I'll say some prayers for you as you go through these tough times!!

Jennifer - posted on 08/07/2011

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It sounds like you really need a break. Find a sitter. Ask around to your friends, search the internet, or look at a chruch. I've also heard of a mother's helper. Whatever you're comfortable with. I remember having tons of fights with my husband because I was totally worn out. It turned out, so was he. My husband recently went on a Bacherlor Party trip to Reno. He was gone a total of 4 days. We have two kids: 2 yrs and 8 months. It was the first time I took care of them alone. We had a couple fights about his trip before he left. I was mostly scared of being alone b/c neither one slept through the night.
I would also recommend couseling, but if money is tight I would recommend the Grief Recovery Handbook. Do the excerises in the book with a family member or someone you trust. I have a very nasty relationship with a sibling for many years. I always was left crying and feeling hopeless. I even tried couseling sessions with her, but it all didn't work. Once I read the Grief Recovery Handbook and did the exercises, I have a totally different relationship with her. At least read the book, then make a decison if the relationship is right or not.

Laural - posted on 08/07/2011

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Women make childcare look way too easy, so men mistakenly assume that it is. Schedule some kiddo/hubby bonding time for the WHOLE day, then leave and turn your phone off. He needs to see for himself what you go through. As far as making you cancel on your own time, tell him NO. That he is off having fun with his buddies while you are miserable is unacceptable. Frankly, at this point, only a marriage counselor will be able to get that factoid through to him. I am sorry you are married to a guy who still thinks he is a child and can be running off with his bros.

Kim - posted on 08/07/2011

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It takes two to mend a marriage. I am a firm believer in death till us part... but not if it means that one of the couple is being damaged and the other does not want to acknowledge his involvement in making a marriage work. I hope you find the courage and strength to do what makes YOU happy and at peace with yourself.

Brandi Nicole - posted on 08/07/2011

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I hear you sister! I'm in the same boat, I have 3 kids (4,3,5 months) and I havent had a day to myself yet he gets made at me if I go out with my BFF and if I do I have to make sure all the kids are in bed before I can leave so I don't get to leave until after 8 and he wants me home before midnight. But he can do whatever he wants. Makes me so crazy. I'm also trying to decide to stay or go myself.

Connie - posted on 08/07/2011

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while he is gone can you take the kids to a friends house and go to the park yourself for a while (I am not sure if money is an issue) could you go get a mani/pedi? You do deserve a day to yourself and as the wife of a man who travels to the beach every few weeks and i can relate to being jealous of his trip. BUT my husbands trips are work related. He would NEVER go out with his buddies and not invite me or at least talk to me about it. I agree on the counseling. I think there are issues he is not telling you about. and as far as you being bigger than you used to be -who isn't! esp if you can never get out of the house. i wish you the best of luck and make sure the kids dont get stressed by all this. They are very sensitive, not that you dont know that, but in the heat of the moment it is easy to forget little ears are listening.

Suzanne - posted on 08/07/2011

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Melissa, understand it is hard, however I agree with the other ladies. He seems like he has made his decision and I believe you need to make arrangements to move back with your family. Is there any way that family can come and get you and the kids? Or at least help on getting you back? Just a thought. Maybe while he is out and about you can pack up and leave.

Corinne - posted on 08/07/2011

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Ahhh Serena, you took the words out of my mouth there. I too believe he's already left the marriage, you should get back to your family, rest, recover and start afresh. Love and hugs.

Serena - posted on 08/07/2011

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In that case, would any of your family be able to help (financially) to get you back to see them and then let your husband know you won't be back unless he's ready to become a "real" husband and father? You need to be with people who care about you and your child. If the guy is truly his bff he would have understood if your husband had told him he didn't really have the money for the trip.

Melissa - posted on 08/07/2011

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Ya even worse he is full of excuses and really justifies everything in his mind...he says this is only happening once and will never happen again..its his bff's bachelor party, so he had to go! Then the wedding is in a month about 12 hrs away...I have not a clue how he plans on paying to go? All we do is fight about that because it is a no kids allowed wedding. I am just not the type that can leave my son for 4 days...I hate the thought of it. He doesn't understand.I was supposed get a trip home to see my family but he has used up all the money...ugh it is so wrong in so many ways!!!!

Christy - posted on 08/07/2011

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This sounds so shitty of me but he just sounds like the "sperm donor" of your kids. Isn't he a parent, too? Why isn't he taking the kids and you on a vacation instead of blowing money in Vegas with "buddies"? That is so wrong in too many ways. He got married and had kids. It's time to man up or if he doesn't, get out. Life's too short!

Melissa - posted on 08/07/2011

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Thanks guys! You are all telling me what I know in my heart to be true just can't seem to find the strength to get out of this cycle because I dont have any real friends and no family in the town we are in now....I dont want to be the woe is me victim but feel stuck...So thank you for your thoughts, very very helpful!!!!!

Serena - posted on 08/07/2011

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I would have to agree with Barb on this one. Your post actually reminds me of my marriage almost to a T but I won't go into detail because it deffinately won't make you feel better, but my suggestion, make him get tested when he gets back. If he's not willing, leave.

Tina - posted on 08/06/2011

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yyou should a nice person your husband is selfish if that was my man he would of been gone a long time if he loved you it wudnt matter what your wore he would think you was sexy in a black. bag pack pack up and leave go live your life you only get one so enjoy it xx

Ivy - posted on 08/06/2011

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Is there family or friends who can take your kids while you have some time to yourself? Honestly he is being really selfish. My husband did that unknowably when we didn't have a daughter. I refused to do any of his laundry, cooking, or dishes. I would recommend it then have some time to yourself. When he gets home from work, leave him with the kids and tell him your going out. If you have a mobile, you can call him to say you'll be home later if you think he will try to stop you. It may be drastic, but he needs to see all you do and respect you. He does respect or appreciate you. I am sorry he is being this way. If he doesn't change his ways then your relationship may not work out.

On a positive note, you can do something about how you feel about yourself. The best resource I found to help with lifestyle change is sparkpeople. There is healthy meals plans, exercise advice and community support from others who are in the same position as you. It is all free! It has given me the support to lose over 85 lbs. That includes my weight from pregnancy. I'm still on my journey. You're welcome to join and friend me. My name on there is blushingivy. Things will change if you change them. Stay strong, you can do this.

Suzanne - posted on 08/05/2011

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If he is not listening or seeing your point of view, and you have tried and tried. Is it possible to take the kids/kid and yourself to your parents/good friend for a while if they have space. This way you can get a break from him and he can see what it is like to be without you. I do agree that if you decide to leave him you will need to figure out what you will do for money and it is not easy with kids as well. If you have family to stay with and maybe a cheap child care provider maybe you can stay with them and get a part time job for the mean time. I am not sure if conselling will help as he does not want to listen to you at all. I think some time out might be a good idea, however that time out means you need to have the kids so not really time or rest for you. You do need to think of you and the kids, and be selfish for you. I am not saying do one or the other, just maybe some options. I hope things improve. Hugs and love from me.

Amy - posted on 08/05/2011

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Get a job! Then you'll be in the same boat as him and can tell him what you're doing and what you're not doing.

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