Any Subject we talk about always ends up in an Argument :(

[deleted account] ( 11 moms have responded )

Why is it that anything we talk about always ends up in an argument infront of our children or even when we are alone? I would like to know if anyone has tried anything to make a better conversation with your significant other?? what have you tried and has it been working?

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Tanya - posted on 03/19/2010

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I think there maybe something that is not being handled in your relationship.. A past arguement or something like that and because that is there it is going to turn everything you say and do into an arguement untill it is handled because you are actully fighting about that not whatever it is at the moment you are talking about or doing. I know that writing what we were mad about helped my husband and I when we were going though something like this when we felt a fight coming or even after it started we went into different rooms with a paper and wrote down what we were trying to get across because when both of you are yelling no one is being heard and nothing will get solved. Then after you write down what your side is and what you want done and what you have to say you switch papers and each go and read it alone! Then you can jot down any questions or comments you have about what is written down and later after the kids are sleep you sit and talk about the letters and what you two can do for eachother to solve the problems if you start another fight go back to it later when you guys have calmed down again I know this sounds crazy cause that is what I thought at first too but this really did help my husband and I... Remember you have to be open to listening to what your partner wants and the same goes for your husband.. And you have to come up with a plan as to what you are going to change and really try to work at that..



Also a few things to remember couples that have sex more talk more they are more open with there feeling because they feel close to there partners so if this is an issue (and this happens when you have kids and busy lives..lol.. I know I found my relationship there) make it a point to try to have more sex (if its happening 1 time a week try for 3 and if its happening 3 times a week try for 5) it may feel strange to make an appointment for this at first but after awhile your body is just used to being close to your partners so it comes naturaly



Also a date night every couple should have a date night where you get a sitter and you go out and try not to talk about kids... lol.. That is hard but possible also at least once a year it should be a over night date night where you get a all night sitter and you either have the house to yourself or you get a room..

Jennifer - posted on 03/19/2010

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My husband and I used to have arguments that would last for days. We would both feel hurt in someway and weren't sure how to resolve it. We sought out counseling to better our communication. The counselor helped us learn a new way of communicating called Active Listening. First, you have one person start talking, the second person repeats word or word what the first said (very important step). Then when the first person is finished, the second paraphrases and asks the 1st person is anything was left out. If there was, it is added at the time. If not, the second person asks what person 1 is feeling by saying "I imagine you're feeling..." Then person 1 confirms or corrects that they do feel that way. Then person #2 validates the feelings. Then you switch.
It seems stupid at first, but it created a safe way for us to express our feelings. Our communication has improved 10 fold. Every once in awhile, when I feel like an argument is coming on or I'm not feeling understood or I'm not understanding my partner, I switch into active listening and that usually gets the feelings expressed. Hope this helps some.

Sarah - posted on 03/16/2010

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I think sometimes you have to look behind the argument. Is the argument about not doing the dishes or is the argument about wanting help and not knowing how to ask to get the help needed or asking in the wrong way. So first figure out if what you are arguing about is what REALLY is the arguement. Another thing I have learned is that sometimes our agruments are misunderstandings. Sometimes we both feel the same way but are saying it in a completely different way so if you don't stop and listen and try to see where the other person is coming from you don't realize that they are on the same page as you are. I also find that many times when one argues really one just wants to be heard. So I find it helps if I really try to understand where my husband is coming from. What is he saying, why does he feel this way, try putting yourself in that point of view, can you see or understand why he is saying what he is (does not mean you agree). Many times when the other person feels like they have been heard and acknowledged they don't always need the other person to agree. Sometimes when you both see each others points of view it is easier to figure out a compromise. I think so many times when we argue we are so focused on trying to get our point across and have the other person hear what we are saying that we forget to listen to what they are saying.

Sabrina - posted on 03/15/2010

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You guys are probably arguing because you are stressed about other stuff. My best advice is to just keep quiet, let him do all the talking. If he starts to argue about something don't argue back. That saved my husband and I. See if it works. Let me know!!!

[deleted account]

Yes sex is also very impt. i see that when we have sex more frequently he looks much happier. but i dont think it should be that way ,i wish he was that same loving caringperson even if we didnt have sex for a year but iknow that's impossible...

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[deleted account]

I try not to argue back but sometimes what he tells me isn't always something that i agree with.

[deleted account]

this sounds very good! im justnot understanding exactly how it should go but ill see if i dont forget when i need to use this new way of coummunicating thank you =)

Amy - posted on 03/18/2010

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My advice, and you've probably head this before, choose your battles. When you are talking and it starts to turn to an argument, stop and think, is this really something worth fighting over. if it isn't, end the conversation there and walk away. Just remember that if you are already stressed about something, it might not be a good idea to start up a conversation about something you can't walk away from.

[deleted account]

Something that my husband and I instituted after the birth of our second child was a once a month date night. This has helped our relationship considerably. It is so easy to get wrapped up in everyday cares and anxieties with our children and forget to make time for each other. Remember why you got together in the first place and build on that. When the children are grown and gone you still have each other so it is important to make your relationship a priority. The date doesn't have to be anything special. Lots of times we just go for a walk somewhere and get dinner or we see a movie or just get things done that we haven't gotten to. It is just spending quality time together without the distraction of the children. Best wishes.

Ala Ala - posted on 03/15/2010

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when me and my hubby were onlly bf-gf we made a lot of agreements, one which stands out and really saved us from would be arguments was that, "there is no intention to hurt in any way."
meaning, even though one of us says something that comes out wrong or sounds offensive we take it as there was no intention to hurt. it was either it really just came out wrong or the other was simply stressed at the moment. then when that moment passed we talked. it helped me not to read to things, especially with my hubby is a very insensitive guy. he admits to it too. it helped us. i'd make things clear before jumping at him to attack. or we give each other space when we see the other is stressed or is having a bad day.
hope this works with you guys. just talk...

Jess - posted on 03/15/2010

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I went through this with my parnter. I spoke to a good and wise friend about this, and the question she asked me was "What went away first, the sex or the relationship"... Of course is was the sex, so she told me to put aside my anger and go have some good old loving !!! We were able to sort out our issue's like a couple again, rather than 2 people sharing a house ! It may not work for everyone but its at least fun to try !

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