anyone else feel this way??

Nayuribe - posted on 07/10/2011 ( 15 moms have responded )

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how do shake that feellling off?? last night i went to a friends house, we've been friends for 20 ys! it was her bday, and i had to take my 2yo daughter. i felt so awkward, so out of place. i don't 'go out' much, and if i do, i always end up taking one of my daughters or even both of them (i guess that's why i don't do it often). i saw some friends i hadn't seen in a long time, good friends, with whom i've known for over 10 ys, and yet, i didn't feel comfortable. i don't know how to start a conversation anymore, other than "how old is yours?". i hate feeling like I'M JUST A MOM! don't get me wrong, i LOOOOOOVE my kids, and i love been a mom, but is that all i am? i've been a mom for the past 4 ys and a half, and in theese short ys i've managed to loose ME, i've giving myself entirely to motherhood, that the girl in me has died, or is she just lost? my bf doesn't understand, he's also given himself to parenthood, big difference is he gets to leave the house to go to work, he interacts with other people on a daily basis, grownups. i used to be fun, people had fun with me, i was a fun girl! but now, i'm just a mom :((
AM I THE ONLY ONE FEELING THIS WAY???

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Camille - posted on 07/12/2011

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Well, my husband is a very loving and responsible father. He even takes the girls to the park when he comes home from work. I have me time but doing the dishes, organizing the house, and mopping floors. It's not like he takes them out and I get to go out with friends!!! Mine are 7 and 4 1/2. Now his excuse for not letting me find a job is they are in school. Before it was that the girls were too young, they couldn't talk, they were not potty trained, etc, etc. For every of the girls' stages there is a reason why I should not work!!!

Christy - posted on 07/10/2011

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NOPE! You are no alone! My FIRST suggestion would be to go to these outings in the future w/o any of your children. Either go alone or go w/ just your BF. You can't really cut loose and talk to your peers if you have a kid w/ you. They take up too much of your attention.

Second, do this (at least it works for me most of the time). Do not ask your peers about their children, esp if their kids aren't there. Plan in advance about 10 generic questions to ask, and ask no less than 2 to any one given person to keep the conversation going. Ask them about themselves. People may not realize it, but they like to talk about themselves. Also when asking any question, preface at least one of them with the person's name, people listen more when you do this. I know it may sound corny but it really works. Examples of questions (neutral ones of course) are "are you still into (insert hobby/job here)? Or How is your sister/brother/mom/dad? Where are you living now, and how is that? Or even a comment like " I really like your necklace, where did you get it? " Or "I love your hair, where do you get it done? It's so pretty!" etc etc etc.

Camille - posted on 07/12/2011

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Nayuribe: When I had my first daughter (she's now 7) everything was cool because I had just begun motherhood but I still had some of my previous life. We have almost no one to take care of my daughters. Also, I don't feel very close to my husband. We never go out alone and we just talk about the girls. We also fight over their discipline. It just sucks. I've come to a point to think that if I ever go on a date (or have independence to work) is if I divorce him. I think I've come too dependent on him because we have two daughters and I just can't divorce without thinking about all the negative consequences it will bring. I think I might feel happier but then I would feel guilty choosing my happiness over the girls' happiness. I even doubt my ability to decide. Everything I decide even if it is a good idea, I'll doubt it eventually. Well, this is sailing away from what this conversation is about.

Nayuribe - posted on 07/11/2011

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Camille!!! i in the same spot as you!!!! we can't afford a nanny, we go try to take the kids to the mall once a month, i feel like i don't deserve to walk around there, i see the other moms with their fancy stolers and even take their nannies to the mall, so they can sit and talk with friends while someone else watches their kids. i get so annoyed i want to run out of there after 15 mins!!!

Camille - posted on 07/11/2011

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No, you're not the only one feeling this way. I've been a mom since 2004. I feel like I've lost myself. I'm just used to talk about my daughters' stuff (I have 2 daughters like you). I don't have close friends who are moms. I even feel worst because we are going through hard economic times. I don't even have money to go out. My husband is the only one who works and what he earns is not enough and we don't even qualify for help (like food stamps). I even feel out of place going to the mall. Like I'm so much less than other people. I thought I was the only one going through this and feeling miserable about it.Maybe being a stay-at-home mom is comfortable when there's money, I guess.

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Stifler's - posted on 07/14/2011

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NO. All my Facebook status' have been about my kids since my second was born. I haven't been to friends places on the weekend since she was about 3 weeks either (she's 2 months and granted it is winter) but I honestly feel like all I have to talk about is how Logan did this and Renae did that and my husband doesn't understand since he gets to go to work and be Mr. Important Breadwinner/Supervisor desk jockey Nielson and I have to stay home and watch PlaySchool and do washing and take the kids to the Maccas playground instead of where I'd like to go for lunch.

Melissa - posted on 07/13/2011

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I have basicly had to go out and find a whole new group of friends...my friends treated me terribly...I finally decided not to let to life...if you have given them every oportunity to try and understand your life has changed and they still treat you bad...move on! I thought for sure my "friends would come around once they had their kids (one is preggos now and one just had a baby) but no the are still selfish and rude....It sucks but it does happen for a reason! You will find people who you click with right away just give it time! I barely go out and when I do I have become so socially awkwrad but I would rather feel that way than be friends with "fake" people! I say make yourself find mommy and me friends! Schedule some fun activities for you and your kids where you can meet other moms...I am sooo broke but I finally did that and am now having so much fun!
I too have lost who I once was but it takes work to get it back....I started working out more, making more of an effort to "look cute" and I even went out and got a job 2 mornings a week! I am slowly finding myself again!

Deepti - posted on 07/13/2011

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u r not the only one dear... instead of feeling left out, try doing ur makeover,
make a list of things u enjoy, and try doing them with ur daughters first like singing, dance etc...take time out with ur bf and watch some favorite movie or enjoy a short dance with him when kids are asleep.try playdate for ur kids and slowly make them socialize . this is imp fot both u and ur kids. tyhat ways ur kids will get company and u will make new friends.. ur social CIRCLE WILL IMPROVE AND SKILLS AS WELL
all the best!!

Maggie - posted on 07/12/2011

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oh no, I can't talk to ppl either or when i try it comes out making no sense! I tend to speak to mummy friends with other toddlers now as they do the same thing. Other friends talk about work, holidays, movies, dinning, well being a sahm you don't do any or much of that so there is nothing to talk about. Even talking to hubby can be bad cuz all I have to talk about is what our son has been upto today. I guess thats why I like coming on circle of moms....so many other mummies thatt feel the same way

Nayuribe - posted on 07/12/2011

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duuuuudeeeee, camille!!!!! it's like you're living MY life!!!! haha!!! i have to say that in the past 3 months things have gotten better between me and my bf, he's finally realized that doing all the stuff around the house plus raising the kids, IS a job. and he's a good daddy, first thing he does when he walks through the door is go play with the girls in their room, i get to have some peace and quiet IN THE KITCHEN! hahah!! i also depend COMPLETE on my bf, he's our only income, i can't even re-open my bank account cuz i don't have a job, it sucks! but i feel that my youngest is not ready for daycare, she's 2yo, not potty trained, and still learning to talk.
my bf sometimes complaigns about the preasure of him being the only one responsable for bringing in the money, when i suggest ME getting a job, he freaks out, he's a very jelous man, so i rather just drop the subject, but i know that when the time does come, when i actually will be able to get a job, he will not take it lightly.

Natasha - posted on 07/11/2011

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OMG I feel this way daily, when I do go out alone with no kids I feel like I can breath, it is a breath of fresh air but I to feel like I lost myself somewhere in there I think it is normal I devoted everything for my girls and now trying to do school online just so eventually I can have a seperate life of motherhood, I feel you but try and go out with out the girls and leave daddy alone with the kids your going to still feel like mom just more free of worry call n check in and go back to having fun.

Brandy - posted on 07/11/2011

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Glad someone else feels this way to. I have learned to get back to my interests. Do the things I would do if I wasn't married and had no kids. Not only do you get to enjoy your hobbies again, you also have something to talk about when your with other adults, especially the ones without kids.

Katrina - posted on 07/10/2011

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I felt that way too, so I went back to work which gave me a break, but due to physical issues, I'm no longer able to work a regular job. I found a great work at home company & the girls on my team give me the social outlet I need too. We talk about work, life, kids, ect. I feel like I have the best of both worlds. You need to somehow manage to carve out some you time. Maybe find a mom's group.

Tamara - posted on 07/10/2011

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I feel this way all the time still and my youngest is 7, When i had the older two None of my friends had kids it was terrible I always felt odd and left out.

Kimber - posted on 07/10/2011

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ooooooooooh No Girl you are not the only one that feels that way at all!!!!!!!!!! I think that it is just a part of life when ever you have children,or just one child! Your life is not really your own anymore,and everthing changes when you become a mom! I feel like i have soooooooo lost myself,and don't know really how to get it back either,but what i guess is that iam just going to have to find a new part of myself,and then just go from there! But goodluck to you girl. I hope that you do find yourself again,or maybe just a diffrent kind of you that you like just as much as you did the old you! Take Care- Kim

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