anyone else married but feel like a single mother?

Ashley - posted on 01/12/2010 ( 420 moms have responded )

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i am married to a wonderful man and i love him with all my heart, but most of the time i feel like a single mom. he never helps with our 1 year old. never gets up with him in the morning never changes diapers and i'm pregnant with our second and i don't know if i can take care of two all by myself. i understand he works 50+ hours a week, but when our son stands by the door and cries when he leaves for work that tells me that he's not spending enough time with his dad. i could just really use some advice and mostly just let me know that i'm not the only one out there

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Like everyone else here, I have had the SAME feelings. It seems to just be something men DO.. doesn't it!
When we came home from the hospital with the new baby, I had to laugh. I had spent MONTHS washing EEEEVERYTHING in the baby's room, dusting the door jambs... polishing the doorknobs to remove germs... Cleaning the floors on my hands and knees with antibacterial soap... You know the drill. My husband never lifted a FINGER. The day he drove us home from the hospital, he turned into a MADMAN. He cleaned, he polished, he repaired stuff, he changed the oil in the car, he cut the grass... He did his nesting AFTER we got home.
It didn't take him a week to fall back into his Mafia Wars and the baby and I were invisible again.
After a few months of this, I accepted it. I wasn't HAPPY about it, but I settled. I let him miss out on stuff. When he would come home from work and ask how was today I would tell him.. just fine. Short, sweet and to the point. I didn't meet him at the door with each new accomplishment. I didn't offer anything. After about 8 months of this, the baby was walking. I didn't tell daddy. He's not gonna care anyway! I thought about logging in and sending him a facebook message.. but I didn't cave.
When Daddy came thru the room going for the kitchen, he caught sight of the baby toddling to me. He came running at me all surprised, OMG! HE"S WALKING! HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN DOING THIS? I looked at him like he was STOOPID. He's been doing this for a LONG time. Where have YOU been? Oh right, Mafia wars.
That night, he logged out of facebook. He came downstairs.. he watched TV with us. He held the baby, he played with the baby.
If he wants to be excluded, if he's TRYING to exclude himself.. let him. Have a family portrait made withOUT him. Don't tell him about each new little tooth. Let him see on his OWN that he is missing out. If you stand there trying to convince him of this.. all he's going to hear is wompwompwomp wompwompwompwomp. Men don't take suggestions well at ALL. You have to find a way to make it HIS idea.

Kelsey - posted on 01/12/2010

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Im not pregnant with my second yet, but other than that, I have the exact same problem. I would also like to add, he often chooses his hobbies over us, and leaves for icefishing several times a week, and is gone hours! During the summer he races, so hes gone even more, every Saturday he races, and almost every other day hes fixing his car. He has never got up at night, or in the morning, and only helps out when I make him. He loves us both, and does help a little, does the dishes alot, and watches her for a while every night, but sometimes that just isnt enough. Its just selfishness. Alot of guys are like that, especially when theyre young, and havent fully adjusted to the responsibilities of being a parent. I have had several conversations about it with him, and he feels bad, and says hes going to try to change and be here more, so we will see... I hope things get better, they freakin better!!! Things seem to be improving slowly. The way I see it, the father almost never takes on 50% of the parenting like he should. Men just tend to be selfish. A mother becomes selfless the day she gets pregnant, and always puts her kids needs before her own, but men dont ever seem to be like that, so dont expect him to completely change, but as long as you get on his case about it, explain how you feel, exactly why you feel that way, and what you need him to do, if he really loves you and his kids, he will get better, eventually. Try not to nag and make him feel like hes being attacked, explain it to him in a positive way, telling him that you feel like a single parent because you do almost all the work, when you are supposed to be a team, you feel abandoned, you want him to have fun, and you know he works hard, but you cant keep doping everything by yourself. Tell him that you need to fix this, not just because you want help, but because you want him to have a closer relationship with his kids, and you dont want it to hurt your relationship. When he is selfish and doesnt think of your needs, it makes you resent him, which will make you argue, and if it never gets better, you fear it could wreck your relationship. He just needs to see how serious it is, and he needs to understand that when he got you pregnant, he immediatly gave up alot of his freedom. Thats just what being a parent is, and he needs to accept it. Just talk to him, and he should understand. Your definatly not alone, I think its a common problem with younger, new fathers. Good luck.

Jackie - posted on 02/03/2010

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I am sorry to say this but you ARE GOING TO HAVE TO TELL HIM WHAT HE IS DOING TAKE IT FROM ME I HAVE 5 KIDS AND I NEVER SAID ANYTHING. If you don't you will end up like I did mad, scared , upset and get to the point where you don't care if your there or not ,I got to the point where I had everything set up to leave my husband after 10 years , I had the sister set up and I told him he was going to take two of the kids we would split the responsibility ,after doing that he wanted to talk and ask why I was doing this I told him even when your home your not home I am the mom, the made , the cook, the driver , the shopper , the Dr, the go to person , I gave the kids there baths, feed them , took them places , and even ended up going out with friends alone , it was like I was single . trust me don't wait , don't wait till you are so made you loose what is important and the reason you got married in the first place , sometimes when we get married we forget what we loved about the person we are with and they do too .

Amy - posted on 01/12/2010

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my husband works 50/60 hrs a week and in his "free" time he has to cut firewood to heat our home in the winter. with chores and all that around here..we are both working all the time. i have said before that "today's your day to get up with him" or "watch the kids, i NEED a shower." I hate to say this, but all men are just oblivious to anything but themselves unless you point blank state - this needs done and you need to be the one to do it. I feel like a single mom most the time, too. but it's my job. i signed on for it. but i learned the more i ask for help, the more i'm getting it.

Fran - posted on 03/07/2010

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It is not in a mans nature to nurture, only to provide. We have adds on tv asking fathers to participate. That is sad but it's the way fathers are. Mothers have unrealistic expectations and it's sad but true. The proof is here in all of these letters

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Patricia - posted on 09/11/2012

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my first husband was like that and my second now to he was great with his first my fourth until the novelty wore off and now does nothing and i have 10 kids and complains when he can't find socks or does not get his morning coffee in bed meanwhile sick or not i have to look after the kids and most of everything else and i have 10 kids all up 7 of which are ours together

Mayra - posted on 09/08/2012

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I went through this crap with my first husband. I call it crap cause it is. They enjoyed making the kid they can also enjoy nap time, bath time, and long walks in the park. My second husband is AWEsOME...He does most of the baby chores and he loves it. He smiles when i say bath time and fils up the tub for playtime....he feeds him and sings him dorky songs to get our 1 year old to eat. I feel blessed with a great husband and daddy.

Talk to your husbands girls because men are not mind readers. Theyre more like little kids . You have to give them specific instructions with detail...and i promise you they will still get it wrong but at least they will know that you expect some help. Be straight forward and tell him ...oh your tires ...sux to b you cause the baby needs you :) . Make a deal with him ...you change the poopoo...i will get your shower going :)

Good luck ladies!!!!

Bernadette - posted on 10/02/2010

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practically all my husband does with my daughter is give her a nightly bath. And this is only because I have assigned him the job due to being pregnant again and I find it difficult bending down in that position when I have severe morning sickness (too much like throwing up position, makes me want to be sick). She loves bath time with him - that and tooth brushing are the only things she would prefer him to do over me. If I ask him to feed her, she rejects the spoon and he gives up after about 2 attempts. If I ask him to take her while I go and get dinner ready or have a shower, she clings to me screaming "mummy mummy mummy", if I suggest that he takes her out somewhere he replies "I thought it would be nice if you came too, so we can have some family time" (translation - "you want me to take her out on my own??? Not likely...") and if I ask him to play with her, it usually involves him lying on the lounge room floor watching tv while she plays around him. When he can hear my footsteps getting close he will pick up a toy, wave it at he and say "hey Ella" and then claim that he has been playing with her the whole time even though I can hear that he hasn't been. Or if they are in the front room (where Ella's play room is) I will go out there to see what they are doing and she'll be playing by herself and he'll be on the other side of the baby gate, back turned, and on the computer playing games. He has all the time in the world for computer games, not much time at all for baby games. It makes me sad for her, and when I see the way she doesn't want to go to him shows he really doesn't spend enough time with her. She reacts the same way as if I try to hand her to someone she barely knows. And yet she adores him - her face lights up when she sees him, she giggles more with him that with anyone on the occasions he actually does play with her and just this morning she woke up and saw he wasn't in bed with me (he fell asleep on the couch last night after a big day) and the first thing she said was "where's daddy?" No amount of nagging or fighting with him over it makes any difference. He gets offended that she'd rather go to my dad than to him, and I keep explaining that it's because Granddad does so many fun things with her. He takes her out to the park, or if it's raining or too hot outside he takes her to one of the shopping centres with an indoor playground. He takes her outside and lets her jump on the trampoline and spends ages pushing her on the swing or lets her play with his golf clubs and balls (hubby plays golf too, but not once tried to share this interest with her. He also claims to love basket ball so I bought him a ball for his birthday a couple of years ago because he said he'd take it and play on the court over the road. He's done it once before she was born. I keep suggesting he take her over and they can play but while he keeps saying it's a good idea, he hasn't done it yet) and granddad also takes her for long walks and shows her all the things that they pass, and she's learning so much with him. If only her dad would start doing some of the same things she'd adore him as much as she does granddad but he's so reluctant to spend time with her alone. She's 18 months today, and he has never spent more than a couple of hours alone with her at a time. I keep hoping things will change, but it doesn't look likely...

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omg!!!!!im in the same boat(almost) my husband is a long haul driver so im home with the kids n when he is home hes tired or just doesnt help.its very hard cuz i look forward to him coming home to help n i get mad when he doesnt.youve just gotta take a step back and not expect him to help then if n when he does its a suprise n nice for you.but then if he doesnt youre not let down either cuz you knew you were gonna have to do it anyway

Fran - posted on 03/07/2010

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It is not in a mans nature to nurture, only to provide. We have adds on tv asking fathers to participate. That is sad but it's the way fathers are. Mothers have unrealistic expectations and it's sad but true. The proof is here in all of these letters

Fran - posted on 03/07/2010

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It is not in a mans nature to nurture, only to provide. We have adds on tv asking fathers to participate. That is sad but it's the way fathers are. Mothers have unrealistic expectations and it's sad but true. The proof is here in all of these letters

Fran - posted on 03/07/2010

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It is not in a mans nature to nurture, only to provide. We have adds on tv asking fathers to participate. That is sad but it's the way fathers are. Mothers have unrealistic expectations and it's sad but true. The proof is here in all of these letters

April - posted on 03/07/2010

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You're not the only one out there. I experienced this with my (ex)husband. He was only 22 when my son was born and I don't believe he even gave him a bath till he was over a year old, and at the time he and I both worked full time. Things have changed the older my son has gotten (he's now 9). The older he got the more involved he became and the more they bonded. Good luck and I hope things get better.

April - posted on 03/07/2010

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You're not the only one out there. I experienced this with my (ex)husband. He was only 22 when my son was born and I don't believe he even gave him a bath till he was over a year old, and at the time he and I both worked full time. Things have changed the older my son has gotten (he's now 9). The older he got the more involved he became and the more they bonded. Good luck and I hope things get better.

Shorey - posted on 03/07/2010

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You are definately not the only one out there. I am SO there. I love my husband very much. But he is like a teenager. Yes, he works and supports us, but so do I. But he works outside of the home and I work in the home. We have two children, an 8 year old girl (mine from a previous marriage, but his just the same) and a two year old boy. My husband is a video game junkie. Which was not so when we were dating, but has developed over time and then went into a full blown take over of his life with the release of Call of Duty 4.. 5... whichever. And I have attempted, many times, to make him aware of the work that needs to be done in raising 'our' children and if he would limit his time spent gaming, things around the house, involving the children, would get done quicker. And he has to an extent... but not completely. And now its come to a point, and it will for you too, where I have had to make a decision. I could leave and do it on my own completly and without him, or stay and do it mostly by myself, but with the man I love.

LeAja - posted on 03/07/2010

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You are not alone. My husband is a loadmaster in the USAF and he flies a lot of missions all around the world. That is great for him because he gets to travel for free and see lots of great things, but that leaves me home alone with our two girls (4 & 22 mths). I'm home for sometimes weeks at a time without him, and I definitely get that single mother feel. Its not very pleasant but I love my husband and I know he would rather be home with us than flying all the time. Life in the military takes a lot of hard work and readjustment, but you learn what you can handle, and how to make the best of it.

Heather - posted on 03/06/2010

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My husband was the same and pretty much is still a bit like that - very rarely changes a nappy unless I am not around and I have a 4yr old (out of nappies of course) but 2yo twins so you can imagine how many nappies I have changed - probably went through at least 100 nappies a week when they were first born. Now that they are all older he does help out alot more, like the bathing process etc.

Ashley - posted on 03/06/2010

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I think we all feel the same way. I'm so tired of hearing about how tired he is when he gets home. Our 6 month old has been ill for a few days and I'm tired! He has to get a shower when he gets home.... before she goes to bed b/c it will wake her up (bathroom is next to her nursery). So when does Mommy get a shower? Eventually is the answer. My poor husband works 7 days a week and I know he is tired but.... so am I. He doesn't get up with the baby and only changes a diaper if he has too. My step daughter comes every other weekend and he makes time for her... but not us.... Sometimes I wish he'd just help me without acting like it pisses him off to do so.

Danielle - posted on 03/06/2010

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i can relate to how you are feeling apart from the fact my hubby does not work and he wont wake up for my son in the morning or night its all me and he will not change diapers or feed him it feels like i am a single mother and its very hard and i struggle so much and have no family close to help .my son is 8 months old and its a struggle so i can imagine how u feel .

Sam - posted on 03/05/2010

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my hubby is EXACTLY the same way,he will have her sit in a dirty nappy untill i get home before hed ever change it!! although our daughter is only 4 months old. i want another baby so that they can be close in age but im also not sure if i can be at home with 2 little ones.

Amanda - posted on 03/05/2010

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No your not. My husband has a son from a previous relationship that lives with us. Well he started talking about wanting a baby and I gave in bc I really wanted one to but had planned on waiting a little longer. Well he didn't take care of his 5 yr old then I don't know why I thought it would be different with our son. Needless to say he does hardly anything and when he does it's bc I've been griping at him to get him to do it.

Brittany - posted on 03/03/2010

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You are not alone..... I have the same situation I think... I recently got married to a wonderful man. I brought three kids with me in this relationship from a previous marriage... The kids love their step-dad a lot, but the only thing he does with them is, well, pretty much nothing... He says when they are older, they are only 6, 5, and 3, he will be able to relate more to them... IDK but I feel like a single Mother of three with a grown child tagging along....

Valynn - posted on 03/03/2010

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sorry to chime in so late on this subject, i hope i'm not bothering anyone but i saw the subject and needed to vent. I am married to a wonderful man who also works very hard to support our family. We have a beautiful 6mth baby boy. I am the one who wakes up when the baby is up in the middle of the night, I change all the diapers.. sometimes he will change pee diapers but getting him to change a poop is getting water from a rock. I still have to keep the home in order, wash the clothes and keep the house together. I know he loves our son, he has made a connection with him. Our son's face lights up when we walks in the door, but at the end of the day, it is mom he wants and mom he knows better than anyone else. Sometimes I crave alittle ME time, but I never get it. NEVER!!! my husband will make me feel guilty for a 30 min pedicure. and GOD forbid I leave the baby with him alone! the baby had to be change, fed and almost asleep for me to run down to the store without him. He says it's because he is scared he will not know what to do if he starts to cry. but i need some time to breathe! So if you still feel like you are alone and frustrated, please know that you are not the only one. not by a long shot, and that tonite, when i finally get to lay down and get a few hours of sleep, I will say a prayer for you and all the stay at home mommies out there. we have the hardest job of all.

Valynn - posted on 03/03/2010

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sorry to chime in so late on this subject, i hope i'm not bothering anyone but i saw the subject and needed to vent. I am married to a wonderful man who also works very hard to support our family. We have a beautiful 6mth baby boy. I am the one who wakes up when the baby is up in the middle of the night, I change all the diapers.. sometimes he will change pee diapers but getting him to change a poop is getting water from a rock. I still have to keep the home in order, wash the clothes and keep the house together. I know he loves our son, he has made a connection with him. Our son's face lights up when we walks in the door, but at the end of the day, it is mom he wants and mom he knows better than anyone else. Sometimes I crave alittle ME time, but I never get it. NEVER!!! my husband will make me feel guilty for a 30 min pedicure. and GOD forbid I leave the baby with him alone! the baby had to be change, fed and almost asleep for me to run down to the store without him. He says it's because he is scared he will not know what to do if he starts to cry. but i need some time to breathe! So if you still feel like you are alone and frustrated, please know that you are not the only one. not by a long shot, and that tonite, when i finally get to lay down and get a few hours of sleep, I will say a prayer for you and all the stay at home mommies out there. we have the hardest job of all.

Kristina - posted on 03/03/2010

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Wow I did not know there were so many out there going through the same thing as me. I have an 8 year old, 5 year old, and 1 year old, all boys. My husband works hard at his job, but as a stay at home mom, so do I. I am so over my head with work at home, the kids' activities, and their school work that I just feel like crying. I ask for help and just get a look. His idea of helping with the baby is to hold him while he plays on the computer. Then he gets mad when the baby does not want to hold still, grabs at his mouse, etc. My family keeps saying I need to give him a choice either/or kind of thing. What could that be... start helping or I leave? I would not be willing to follow through with that so now what? I am tired of having to act like he is just an older kid and ask him to do everything. It sure does not help when a majority of my friends husbands love to be with their kids, help out around the house, even send their wives away for a weekend.

Thanks for posting this. It helps to know there are others going through this as well. I am praying for my husband's eyes to be opened and now I will add all of you to my prayers as well for the same thing.

Monica - posted on 02/24/2010

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u r so not the only one out there feeling this way. i have 6 kids and my husband gets all the fun stuff with the kids. he plays games and lets them do the things i wont. i do everything and as for a diaper please never!

Ronisha - posted on 02/24/2010

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well you 're not alone i can tell u that much, i mean my husband helps sometimes but i have to stress the fact that even though i do a good job with our children i do need help...and here i thought i was the only one

Marylou - posted on 02/24/2010

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Everyone feels this way at one time or another. You just have to do the best you can and know that he is doing the best he can too. This age does not last long and things even out later. You do need to make sure you take some time for yourself even if it's only once a month, go out for coffee with a friend or anything even a walk alone so that you don't crack! Also, try to spend time as a couple too that really helps. Even if it's only locking the bedroom door once in a while.

Jenelle - posted on 02/24/2010

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You know something??? Its great to read all these stories. Though we're not alone in the world and there are tons of people with the same problems as us, we tend to think we're all alone with no one who understands:( We're not though and reading these stories boosted my confidence that I Too can do it!!! I am 22 years old. been with my hubby for 5 yrs. We have 3 kids together ages 4, 3 next month, and 17months.He has an older daughter from a previous relationship thats almost 9. We just found out feb 12th, there will be another extension to our family... They are all blessings but, they sure are handfuls. My hubby as well works 50+ hrs a week... Mon-fri and weekends sometimes as well! Though I am so grateful for all his hard work, I do wish I had some help. Everytime something needs to be done, everyone turns to mom... It gets emotionally, and physically exhausting! Sometimes I wish I got to explore alittle more in life before our HUGE family but, It's truly a gift♥ I wouldn't change anything but, have alittle more help:) So to all the moms, who are struggling, please know and remember your not alone!That being said, I am 22, about to be 23yrs old. Including ,my step-daughter, I'm gonna have 5 kids at 23!!! So just know you can do it. It's in our nature to be caring and loving mommy's!!! We can all do it. Including my hubby, I'll have 6 kids lmao:)

Karen - posted on 02/24/2010

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My husband works, on average, sixty+ hours a week to take care of our family so that I may mother our children in the way we have decided is best (breastfeeding, attachment parenting, etc.) When we chose this arrangement, we also chose that I would be the primary caregiver for the children, which means that I do more of their day-to-day care. My husband has been willing to get up with the babies at night if I needed his help but we did decide that I would do the majority of the night time parenting since I didn't have to be out the door to work the next morning. He is not, however, a big help in the diaper department, though he will change them if need be.

He is gone for most of our day-- from about 8:30am to 9:00pm-- and yes, there are definitely times when I have felt like a single mom. Here is what has helped me:



1) You may feel alone but you are not. Single moms have the responsibility not only of caregiving but also sustaining a household (finances, income, etc. etc.). The fact that you are able to stay at home with your children means that your husband is a partner in your parenting, though perhaps not in the way you want him to be.



2) It is easy to be unfair in our expectations from our men. I find myself struggling against this type of negative thinking often. Yes, it is reasonable and right to expect our husbands to participate in caregiving to a degree but that is not their primary responsibility. My responsibility as primary caregiver is one i have chosen and I realistically expect to do more "mothering" than my husband, especially when the child is as young as one. My toddler has a great relationship with her father, though for most of the first year she was all about Mama. Examine the demands you make on your husband when he comes home and consider asking for a few specific things that you know will make your life easier. Men do better with specifics than with vague generalizations such as "you never help" Consider instead-- "It would be very helpful to me if you would....." List two or three things.



3) I am convinced that a child's response to their daddy working long hours is influenced greatly by the mama's attitude. It is understandable that your son would cry when his Daddy left, no matter how much time Daddy spends with him. With my daughter, we made Daddy leaving for work a big event with its own goodbye rituals that they do together every morning. We also made Daddy coming home a big event as well, with its own rituals. This helps her understand that Daddy leaving and coming home is just part of our day and he won't be gone for good. Make the most of what time you do have and try to make that time pleasant.



4) Build up your mama toolkit. I have certain aspects of parenting that absolutely, hands down, make my job as primary caregiver easier. There are few hard and fast "rules" about effective parenting but these things have made it easier for me personally. Babywearing is the biggest. I wore both my children when they were small and have worn my eight month old since she was born. She loves to ride around on my back while I do work or tend to my toddler, and I have to say it has saved my sanity some days. I have no idea what mothers who don't wear their babies do but it is an integral part of our life and that makes for one very happy mama and baby. Also consider things like co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, etc. that have been shown to lessen parenting stress.



5) Get support. If you have family in the area and are on good terms, don't be afraid to involve them. If you don't have family available, get involved in a good moms group and find a few other moms to share encouragement, a listening ear, and babysitting swaps when needed :) Take time for yourself when you can even if it is just ten minutes here or there.



6) This time is intense but it will pass. A wise woman once told me that when you are caring for little ones "the days are long but the years are short'. You have a profound and unique influence on your children during these early days, and you are giving them an invaluable gift.

Amanda - posted on 02/23/2010

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That's being a Mom! It's our natural gift...and no matter how good a man you get they still will never have the Mom genes. Mom's are proactive, we put our children 1st, we can be home & cook clean take care of kids.....but men have to be told. My mom had 5 kids(and the last 3 of us were 6 months, 3yrs & 5 years) and managed to run a farm with 100 sheep, 25 goats, 2 cows, 2 pigs, 50 chickens, 50 rabbits, and other misc animals

.....and she did all this by herself. My Dad worked all week an hour away & most weeks only saw us sleeping or on the weekend. Dad was a hard worker & always provided for us.....mom was the comfort, discipline & everything else. My Dad now tells me that he wises he hadn't missed seeing us grow up....but he knows that we are thankful for what he did. And he get's to see my daughter everyday now that he is semi retired.

I am also expecting baby #2...my daughter is 19 months. It's normal for your son to cry when Daddy goes to work.....even if he spent oddles of time with him he would be crying. The crying denotes he has an attachment to him which is a good thing. My daughter cries when Grandma & Grandpa go home & they live next door.

Araylla - posted on 02/23/2010

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I had the same problem so I talked to my husband and added a few him and babby moments, they aren't a lot but all little bits help.

My hubby does bath time with our son and plays with him in the tub and that is there time and my 15 min.

Katelyn - posted on 02/23/2010

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My fiance works hard and usually works 12 hour shifts and I feel the same way. He told me that he'd kill for the opportunity to stay home with our son, but on his days off, magically he has something to do or somewhere to go that its just easier if he does it real quick and comes back home. He is always eager to help everyone, which is one of the reasons I fell in love with him. Lately it just seems like he's so eager to help out with everyone else that he forgot that he has a family at home. This brought up a question I have, Do any of your husbands or boyfriends play super dad when people are around, but when no ones around doesn't help one bit. Anytime my family or his is around he's holding him and playing with him making himself look so good, but won't do it unless there is an audience. It drives me nuts

Carrissa - posted on 02/23/2010

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you not, ive got a 3 month old hes already talking about wanting to try for a boy later on down the road and im like if you could step up and take a little of the loads off my hands then yea i could see that happening but when you sit around watching tv when you CAN hear her cryin and you know im just about to take a shower but then you yell, honey can you get her... jesus man.... can;t you get up and get her, im lucky to get a shower every 2 days.... i know exectly where you are coming from ... completly adn totally

Melody - posted on 02/22/2010

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oh man I have been struggling with the same situation.



One thing that helps to understand is that men dont think the way we do. They work toward a goal, and once the goal has been accomplished, they move on to the next goal. He worked hard to woo you, and to get you to marry you. And he worked through your pregnancy probably and worked toward the goal of the baby being born. And since that goal is accomplished, he has moved on to the goal of working to support the family.



Men just simply dont know that we need help. They think that their job is really hard and they deserve to work and come home and rest, not realizing that being a mom is the most demanding and strenuous job there is, and theres NEVER a day off. But you need to have a break.



My husband and I went to a "Stregthening the Family" seminar this past weekend at our church. There was a man speaker speaking to the men about how to keep the romance in their marriage, how to be a good christian loving husband and father, and how to understand what women need in order to be happy in parenting and marriage. And there was a woman speaker speaking to the women as well about how to be a good mom and wife and how to understand the needs of her husband and how he thinks.



This was the best thing that has happened to us. The speakers' names were Glenn & Cindy Colley. Go on Google and search for Colley Books. Theres a book call "You're Signing My Song" about keeping the music in your marriage. This book can help guide you through what the Lord has to say about how a man should love his wife and how a wife should respect her husband. I believe that if you read it together, like my husband and I are, it could help get him to really listen to your opinions and feelings and take them into serious consideration.



You need to find a way to talk to him about what you both expect out of your relationship and make compromises on how you will be able to meet thos expectations. This way you both can talk over the things you are having trouble with and come up with ways to solve the problems. The key to a successfull marriage and parenthood is GOOD COMMUNICATION. Without it, happy marriages are hard to have.



Glenn and Cindy Colley are always welcome for phone calls or e-mails. You should really check out their website and get in touch with them, I know they will have the advice you need.



♥ Melody

Wendy - posted on 02/17/2010

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i am a navy wife and my husband currently works 100+ hours a week. I'm not exaggerating...he's a boot camp instructor. anyways, i'm pretty much on my own and i have a 10 year old and 4 year old twins with special needs. some weeks i'm at the docs 5 times! anyways, i know it's hard and sometimes i feel resentful but i've heard husbands tend to do better with kids once they get older????? i had someone tell me that when he is home tell him you need to get out for a bit and go to the store or just down the street, whatever it is. This will force him to have to help. It works!!! The more I did this, the more he seemed to help. I also wrote him a letter explaining my feelings. Sometimes they just don't get it. Remember women & men are on different wavelengths. Now, I do have to wait until my husband has time that I am able to go out, but when that time comes, boy do I go!! Most of the time he doesn't get home until they're going to bed so I make sure it's ok, but leave him to put them to bed and I go to a movie.

Nadine - posted on 02/16/2010

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you are definitely NOT the only one out there. My girls are 7 and 5 and i begged for years for my husband to stop commuting to work so he could be at home more. Men need to understand clearly how you are feeling and what they need to do - so tell them. Do not think they will see you struggling and come to your aid. It won't happen. This is a bone of contention for me still and causes huge rifts in the marriage. Communicate your needs, tell him how he feels and outline consequences. Maybe then he will get the picture.

Nadine - posted on 02/16/2010

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you are definitely NOT the only one out there. My girls are 7 and 5 and i begged for years for my husband to stop commuting to work so he could be at home more. Men need to understand clearly how you are feeling and what they need to do - so tell them. Do not think they will see you struggling and come to your aid. It won't happen. This is a bone of contention for me still and causes huge rifts in the marriage. Communicate your needs, tell him how he feels and outline consequences. Maybe then he will get the picture.

Michele - posted on 02/16/2010

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Ashley, sometimes men just don't know how to help with things with the baby. As much as we wish they could, they cannot read our minds so we have to ask them specific things we want them to do. I've been married almost 19 years and my husband is more than happy to help out when I ask him, but he usually does not just "see what needs to be done". That's why moms are the nurturers - it's in our genes to be that way.

Also, kids cry because they hate to see any of their loved ones leave. It used to frustrate me how excited my kids got when my husband got home from work, but then I realized I'm just always there so they don't have to do that for me.

Just ask your husband for help and I bet he will be happy to do so. Some men just don't feel comfortable around little kids also - they are more the playmates than the nurturers.

Kristina - posted on 02/10/2010

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YES!! I husband works two jobs to support us and I admire and respect him for that. But whenever he is home he doesn't hold our daughter or do anything. He just sits on the couch and passes out. There are days when he doesn't hold his daughter or even talks to her.

Annie - posted on 02/10/2010

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i definately no how u feel! i hav 2 daughters 12mths & 4 yrs, but most of d time i feel like i hav 3 kids. i think im slowly learning 2 accept dat there is no such thing as a modern husband, unless of course he has an audience! then we see superdad in action! im wit my husband 6 yrs and he has never used d washing machine or d disherwasher, he has never even put his own clothes away in 2 a drawer! i love him but i could kill him sometimes! i wish every day 4 more help and often end up feeling resentful. like u, i was very worried about managing 2 kids, but somehow it works. like our own wonderful mothers before us, we're capable of anything! men CANNOT multitask! i often wish he wud get up at night but d truth is if he did, i'd prob get up 2! i just wish he'd offer every now and den! hang in there, u'll b ok, u r doin a good job. its a pity dat most men dont realise til its 2 late wat there missing out on.

Jo - posted on 02/09/2010

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I know how you feel.That sounds exactly like us.We had our first baby ten years ago.Another 6 babies later he's starting to help a little.Still in bed till he feels like it.After baby 5 I just stopped doing the vacuming.He finally found where it was kept and that's his job,once a day,but just man hoovering,not a proper job,but I don't complain.He also puts the rubbish out.That's his entire contribution to helping out.He'll change the odd dirty nappy if I hand him a stinking baby and the changing mat.

I think he honestly thinks that because he goes to work he gets to come home and the rest of his time is time off.

Lesley - posted on 02/09/2010

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Wow, I like that I am not the only woman, mom, out there feeling this. My husband used to have a job where he worked 9 am to 9 pm 6 days a week... now he has a job that he works from home doing and it is still that way. He is a work aholic and even when I clearly need his help he figures if he ignores it long enough I'll figure out how to handle it myself...

Chelsea Ann - posted on 02/09/2010

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im married to my husband and he dont help me out with my 10 month old he only plays with him for 10mins and does nothing else he dont work and all he does is sit on computer and does abit of cleaning and moans at that and says to me im lazy because i dont help him not the fact that im looking after are son im also disabled and i just get on with it but he dont and hes always calling me names i think hes taking the mick out of me can anyone please tell me what you think what i should do??

Chelsea Ann - posted on 02/09/2010

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im married to my husband and he dont help me out with my 10 month old he only plays with him for 10mins and does nothing else he dont work and all he does is sit on computer and does abit of cleaning and moans at that and says to me im lazy because i dont help him not the fact that im looking after are son im also disabled and i just get on with it but he dont and hes always calling me names i think hes taking the mick out of me can anyone please tell me what you think what i should do??

Sabrina - posted on 02/09/2010

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i completely understand....my husband works 50+ hours and sometime even more when he's on call...I do feel like a single mother, but coming from being a single mother.(10 year old from previous relationship dad never around) its A LOT better....its a lot of compromising.... when I think there is something my husband should do, i always start the conversation with, I understand you work a lot and your tired, but can you _______, that will help a lot. My husband and I set responsibilities for each other when he his home... I'll clean the kitchen after dinner, he will give them a bath. every other saturday is Daddy and kids day... while I recharge my battery and regain my sanity...

Jacki - posted on 02/09/2010

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Wow i am so glad to hear that my BF is not the only guy out there who doesn't put effort into helping with the children. I have to children that are only 54 weeks apart it is so hard although i believe that being a mother is the most rewarding job it is also the hardest job ever. But when i try to talk to him about it he just gets mad so I'm not sure what it is that makes them think that since they get the pay check they deserve to come home and do nothing. I would be happy if he would just put his dirty clothes in the hamper. But i love him so i do it for him. It helps me to think that one day my children will be big enough one day to do it themselves and my children and i will be really close because we do spend a lot of time together now.

Marsha - posted on 02/09/2010

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yes, i do too most of the time.. i have all the duties of raising my girls during the week but when their dad is off on weekends, he really does a great job now of pitching in to play and do things with them and us. of course i had to tell him we wanted him to play and tell him exactly what i needed him to do with the girls since he has spent most of their lives on active duty with the military (he's retired now). after much encouragement and letting go of some of my control issues of not being the parent 'in charge', it is really nice now. good luck!!

[deleted account]

Boys need their dads, my husband is the same way and i realized though if i need help or a break and i ask him he's right there.I tell him the boys need more attention from him he gives it. I think women tend to be the ones who see a problem and fix it. If a guy sees a problem he will fix it, but they are not multi taskers so they don't usaually see everything the way we do. I think if you talk to him about it he will do more to help. But i just have to ask and sometimes i think it's easier to do it myself. I need to be willing to ask for help and tell my husband when the kids need him more.

[deleted account]

My husband is the same way. Doesn't change a diaper unless I ask. He'll even SAY our baby is stinky, but just sit there. Never feeds him, never gets on the floor and plays with him, or anything. Also doesn't do any household chores except for taking out the trash...once it's overflowing, and "scooping" the cat box (and by scooping I mean, just dumping the whole thing out once a week. Yuck!). Yes, he works a ton, but I, too, am expecting another baby any day now and wonder how I am going to take care of 2 kids (the oldest will be 15 months old) by myself...especially since the older one has some health issues and is not yet mobile.

Joanna - posted on 02/08/2010

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Hi Ashley,

From most of the responses you are getting, you should see that you're not alone.

However, it still doesn't make it right! Im lucky enough to be on the opposite side, I have a husband who works just as much as yours, and can still spend most of his off-work time with Our 3 yrs old son, Troy, and includes playing, bathing, dressing, and at this stage helping him on the toilet. Im sorry to say this... but it shows lack of appreciation for all the work you do as a mother. Perhaps start putting him in a situation where he must take care of you 1 yr old. Good luck!

Brenna - posted on 02/08/2010

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My husband tells me to go out too but man I dont want to leave hime with the lil man because he gets anxiety too very quickly and responds differently to situations than I would...

Kimberly - posted on 02/08/2010

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No, you're not the only one out there! My husband hardly does anything around the house. He never got up with the kids in the middle of the night when they were babies or when they are sick. He has no idea where things are located in the house. He's always asking me where's this and that. He never spends any quality time with them. He thinks he goes to work and my job is the kids and everything else and he shouldn't have to do anything. The kids rely on me for everything. I have no idea how to get him to change! I don't think he ever will.

Clarissa - posted on 02/08/2010

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My husband and I had to make a tough decision regarding his job. He ended up taking a job in Alaska. He has now had this job for 2 years. It averages out that I am a single mom for 9 months out of the year. When he finally gets home it is hard for him to adjust back to home life. As much as I want my space I have to give him his moment to adjust. Luckily he wants to be there and help in every way possible. He does ALL the diapers when he is home, puts them to bed, makes dinner, cleans house, etc. But it wasn't always like that. We struggled for the longest time with his lack of parenting skills while home. But after many talks we were able to come to a median. Now everything is going so much better. We have 6 kids all together. It is a his, mine and ours thing. His live with their mom- girl 16 and boy-14. Mine and ours live with us- boy 12, boy 8, girl 5 and boy 2. I also homeschool the ones at home.



Basically You are NOT alone. But it can be worked out to both parents advantage. We have a very tough job that is hard to be understood by the man. But he will never get it if we don't take the time to teach him. We need to remember not to take each other for granted. It is a two way street. During talks with my husband I was able to learn that he feels very weighed down by his responsiblities for making the money just like I am by being the best mom I can be. Another thing is to help prevent this in future generations by teaching our sons and daughters how to have a proper balance in their relationships and parenting. My husband was taught by his mom to be a great father and husband. It has helped a lot in our relationship.



Good luck and remember that the Lord never gives you more than you can handle. If it feels like it then you need to get on your knees and ask for that extra help.

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