anyone got a medaling mother in law? howdo you deal with it?

Serena - posted on 02/08/2010 ( 17 moms have responded )

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ok my husband sent his dad to an auction with a $800.00 limit to buy a truck...his dad buys an $1800.00 truck and exspects us to buy it from him..we don't have that much in our budget...now the mother in law says i'm controlling him cuz i say no we don't have it, i overheard a conversation on the phone with my husband and her, i heard her say 'i can't believe your gonna let your woman control you and if you don't get this we will never help you again... so first i yelled at my husband for not standing up for me or himself he says whatever he's not fighting with them,,,then i called her back and asked her to explain to me how i am being controlling...she proceeds to tell me shes not talking about it on the phone i can go to her house to talk...andyour husband works hard and deserves some respect....so i just hung up what do i do??

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Damieta - posted on 02/08/2010

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Serena I've learned yelling at my hubby doesn't work, he's told me himself. When I do that he instantly turns off and wants to do the opposite of what I want. Having said that I think (just my opinion) your husband had the same issue mine had...being a good son or a good husband. Finally I had to draw my line in the sand and tell him he can not and will not place her feelings or needs before mine. Make sure to emphasize your not asking him to disrespect his mother but when he does not stand by you, support you, or defend you when needed he is disrespecting you. You are his wife, partner, friend and more. He needs to support you whether your right, wrong, or indifferent. You need a united front with everyone, not just the children. Last but not least...don't feel bad about sticking to your budget...that is not a sign that you don't respect your hubby. My hubby makes the money but I control the budget and he is totally repected as the head of the family and household. Hope this helps and good luck!

User - posted on 02/10/2010

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Your mother in law was once in control of your husband and is now unable to accept the fact that she is not anymore. Some mothers have a hard time letting their baby boys go. You could tell mother-in-law that she raised her son to make good decisions, and as an adult he chose you as a wife, so mommy dearest should accept his decisions without criticism, because it is out of her control now...

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OMG... why do people do things like this???? It drives me crazy. Your inlaws sound like mine. I think it is just for attention. That is the only thing I can think of if they do it on a consistent basis. I hope it gets better. My inlaws live in the same city as my husband and I so it is hard to distance ourselves. But stay positive and good luck with the truck situation. Thats a hard one...

Carina - posted on 02/10/2010

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Wow! That's rough! You need to sit down and talk calmly with your husband about how your expenses & budget are your (yours & your husbands) business. NO ONE ELSES. I suggest that you do not fight with him...talk to him. Tell him that you guys are a team and must make decisions for yourselves. It's important for your marriage.

Whitney - posted on 02/09/2010

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I believe that your husband should stand up for you otherwise she will keep coming at you. You are his wife and his mom needs to back up a bit. I had troubles with my mother in law until my husband stuck up for me, so I believe that he needs to set some boundaries and show your mother in law how important you are to him

Andrea - posted on 02/09/2010

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I would of laughed at them so loud and said, to bad, we have alimit and you can't get blood from a turnip. Deal with it and walked off.:)

Renae - posted on 02/09/2010

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I'll trade you MIL's if you like? Just imagine one that uses the spare key to let herself in any time she likes, visits all the time (but I put fake things on my calendar - which she copies into her diary so she knows when I will be home) and takes it upon herself to reorganise whatever she wants, throw out whatever she wants (from MY house), and take my baby away to another room where he cant see me and when he cries I hear her say "no your not going to mum you have to get used to me". Oh and she bought a cot and change table for her house for "when he sleeps over" (never going to happen!). Not to mention the 50 questions every time I see her about every little thing I do with my baby and then the lecture about how everything I do is wrong. So I know this wasn't helpful AT ALL, but just letting you know you're not alone with pesky MIL's. And still, I will trade if you want??? LOL :)

Brandy - posted on 02/08/2010

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MIL's can be walking nightmares! Mine is. Your husband SHOULD stick up for you, you married him not his parents. I wouldn't trust them with your money anymore, and get them as far away from your financials as possible. It took me 2 years to show my husband how awful his parnets were to me and to him and now we are on the same page with them. Unfortunately we all have to deal with them on some level, it is just best to limit the time around them for a more healthier relationship.

Your husband should back you up on the truck deal, he married you and even though you are a "big girl" sometimes it takes the hubby to shut up the parents!! It did for mine.

Normillah - posted on 02/08/2010

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I have domineering MIL but then again compared to my SIL Im lucky cos whatever my MIL said about me is happening to her own daughters... I believe that whatever goes round comes around...My hubby hardly stand for my rights even when I needed it the most cos he thought that I could handle it on my own...I used to be blunt to a point and now I used subtlety to handle situations...now we are on the best term ever... Abt the truck...look at it this way...ur hubby gave his father the money to purchase the truck...but in the end ur FIL thought that it best to give it to his son and to cover all the cost...when u look back at it...maybe they meant well but the method is not right...if u dont require it just let them know that u appreciate their kindness (even if u have already paid 1/2 of it)...but u cant afford any more liabities at the moment...U are not being a controlling person but ur finances is simply to tight...

Jane - posted on 02/08/2010

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you need to make friends. i know it sounds impossible but your life will be nothing but this if you don't. and it also sounds like she's the one who wants to control your husband. whatever, she's got issues. but she's your mother-in-law and obviously very attached to your husband. you can make friends with her or you can not and then one day he will turn around and want to know why you didn't.
they need to be respected even though they're not very refined on some things. let him handle the money issue with his father. call her back and tell her that you're sorry that hung up, you were overwhelmed. and make a time to talk, let her pick the time. odds are she won't make a time, she'll brush it off. go from there with being friendly with her. you need your own relationship w/your in-laws, let him handle the nitty gritty stuff and you be the lovely, smiling, supportive wife, neutral to the naked eye.
there will be times that she will come in handy to get him to do things that you want him to do. you do need to be firm with her but pick your battles carefully. i don't have to get on my hubby's case about anything anymore, my mil does it! :)

Sarah - posted on 02/08/2010

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I think it's funny that she is accusing you of being controlling, and then refuses to talk to you anywhere but her house. This sounds soooooo familiar. Your husband works hard and deserves some respect...from his parents. But it's up to him to demand it, and I believe it's also up to him to demand respect for you. You did right to hang up with her, and he should do the same thing when she starts bashing you, if she can't be respectful the conversation is over. Honestly, dealing with my mil is not unlike dealing with my 3-yr-old! Lay down the rules and consequences, and calmly and firmly follow through. Sometimes it isn't easy, but as long as you behave as an adult and don't let her get a reaction out of you, you can hold your head high. That being said it took a professional therapist to get my husband to see the importance of standing up for me, even if it meant a fight with his parents, but once he did they backed off and I haven't gotten anything worse than eyerolls since. And we had a much bigger falling out than what you are describing!

As for the truck, if you don't have the money, you don't have the money, it's as simple as that. It was disrespectful and frankly rather stupid of his dad to more than double your budget and expect you to be able to pay it. Perhaps a good compromise at this point would be to sell it privately and have them pay you back the $800, and never get involved with them financially again. Otherwise your only option is probably small claims court, and it doesn't look like your husband has the nerve to stand up to them that way. Good luck!

[deleted account]

Wow. He deserves respect from his Mother and so do you!! She isn't respecting your wishes/money/relationship with your husband. Sorry about that. You and your husband are on the same page?

Kathy - posted on 02/08/2010

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I love mother-in-laws lol! This to me sounds too familiar. I usually get a phone call every Monday (after the weekend) for money.

It was wrong of her to put either of you in that position. Just explain to her that it would be different if they had an emergency and needed the money but not for something like a truck. It's not that you're being controlling, but thinking of your finances. She might just be upset that her husband did this without talking with her so she's upset, not that has any excuse for her behavior. You have to agree on what finances go out. Believe me, I've heard the saying "I'll never talk to you again" but I would highly doubt it would ever happen. I would stand firm too and she should owe you an apology.

Lori - posted on 02/08/2010

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she is way out of line. Don't back down, stand up for yourself, as is usually the case with mother in laws the man won't stand up for you. Don't buy the truck, and tell her you are firm with your decisions. She should not be allowed to control your lives, don't give her the opportunity to ruin your marriage.

April - posted on 02/08/2010

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I think that his parents were wayyy wrong to do this. I would suggest not giving them money anymore for things like this if you can't trust them. I would sit down with her and try to have a conversation with her about how you feel and explain to her your reasons.

Carina - posted on 02/08/2010

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Mother-in-laws!! we cannot live with them andour spouses can live without them. I know exactly how you feel Serena. Having a controling mother in law that don't think you respect your husband or do much to support him, is frustrating. If you think you cannot afford to pay that amount for the truck, stand firms and talk to your husband about it. At the least your in laws should give the money you gave them back, if you have decided not to keep it. To my point of view they are very controling, but you don't have to fall under their feet. I don't know how they think they are helping, putting wood in the fire and making you have a distress with your hubby. First of all, you are his wife and both need to make the decissions about what to buy or not, especially a big thing like a car or truck. Is your mother in law the one that owes you an apology. Talk to your husband about your feelings, but don't yell at him, tell him and explain to him why is so important for him to stand up for the family. Good luck!

Erin - posted on 02/08/2010

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It was completely out of line (and, I believe, illegal) to misuse your money like that and expect you and your husband to pay for it. I think if his father can overspend on an item, he can make up the difference, because you had set a specific limit for what he could spend of your money.



As far as your husband goes, don't yell at him for not standing up for you. He more than likely believes that you are a big girl and can handle her own spats - which you can.



If I were you and your husband, I would throw caution to the wind and simply not buy the truck from him. What needs to happen is that they pay you back for the misused money, and because of their untrustworthy behavior, not allow them to help anymore. As they say, if you want something done right, do it yourself.

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