babys dad

Sophie - posted on 09/26/2009 ( 12 moms have responded )

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Since me and my sons father split 2 years ago he hasnt really bothered with any contact. we have made plans several times including contact centers (apart from the odd occasion) he has let them down all the time useing some poor excuse. he hasnt bothered with birthdays, christmas, anything. now he has turned up again asking if he can have contact again. my son doesnt know who he is and he turns really naughty when he sees him and start having potty accidents. it feels like im always left to pick up the pices. i dont know wot to do or what his rights are. please help me. xxx

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Della - posted on 10/02/2009

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i am very sorry that you have to go through this i am lucky enough that my daughters dad soes not even call to ask to see her i have not heard from him in over 2 years now. He does see his other 2 children but his family has labeled my child as the problem child because she has adhd, odd, and ptsd. So i choose to keep her away good luck I hope everything works out well for you.

Stacey - posted on 10/02/2009

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Sophie, I know some of what your going through. My son's father hasn't been in his life since he was 6 months old and now he's 3! This being due to the fact the biological married and she told him he couldn't have anything to do with our son. So he doesn't, nore does he pay child support. Which was just fine with me since I didn't want their negitive influence in my sons life.

Yet I always knew there was a chance that he would pop up some day and say "hey I want to see Matty" So i've done research on his rights and found a couple great websites (I will post them later once i relocate them ) and also learned that you can get help and information thru Legal Aid and DES has a Child support department. (they give great advice on matter other than child support too)

I'll post those websites for you this afternoon, I hope they help!

Della - posted on 10/02/2009

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I had the same problem with my daughters dad. Every time she went around him she would come home in the worst moods. I know some people critisize me for it but she no longer sees him. People are going to say mean things but what you need to keep in mind is not what you think you want or his dad wants but what is best for your son and it will all work out ok. My daughter is a well behaved 7 year old now because she no longer had contact good luck.

Joline - posted on 09/29/2009

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I'm sorry you are all going through this. I would sadly say that believe it or not, this dad has rights, you need to find out what those rights are before you do anything that will get you in trouble. also I would tell the kids dr about what is happening, the dr can be an advocate for your child. then there is documentation of your childs reactions to his dad. other than that, just assure your child that you love him

Tracy - posted on 09/28/2009

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First of all how old is your son? Second does he ( father) have legal visitaion? This sounds just like my oldest childs father...he only came around when he had a woman in his life, when he didn't, he was nowhere around. I know what you are going through. If your son is having a big problem with it, then you start giving him some poor excuse, for now. Unless he has legal visitation, you really don't have to let him see your son. If he does have visitaion, let him enforce it before letting your child go with him. But if your son starts asking about him and/or wants to see him, then try it. For now, I would try talking to your son and take it from there. Maybe there's more to it than you know, depending on the age of your son.



P.S Behavioral problems are normal after visitation, you just gotta put him back in his place when he comes home and just give him extra loving!!!! Hope this helped you some...good luck

Cheralee - posted on 09/27/2009

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When a parent steps out of the picture like that and fails to make visitations for 2 years, no judge will allow anything but supervised visits. I would definitely go the legal route on this one, and not allow visitation until it has all gone through the courts. If he is really serious then he will wait, if not, then he will drop out of the picture rather than deal with the legal aspects. Also, with your partner having a bond already I doubt it would change unless down the line your son's father really stepped to the plate and was a good dad. Kids know where they get their love from.

Dawn - posted on 09/27/2009

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He really sounds like a child himself! I think your son deserves far better than that, and so do you. I can only imagine how heartbreaking the situation must be for you. I also think your son is trying to tell you something by having his accidents which is, "Daddy stinks!" Good luck and God Bless!!!!

Sophie - posted on 09/27/2009

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thanks for all your help im going to find out wot his rights are and depeinding on that wether i will let contact happen. i just dont want my son to blame me for not letting him see his dad. i think i will start very slowly with supervised visits. maybe an hour on a satuday. im just so nervous about them making a bond and him just letting him down again. i havent got the strengh to pick up the pices again. my partner has has a bond with him for the last two years and he is also worried that he will loose his bond with my son. i dont know wot to do to make every1 happy.

Linda - posted on 09/27/2009

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well im divorced and have 3 kids and every time my 9 year old comes home from er dads she gives me so much crap.and my 4 year old used to have tantrums arfter but he ok now he even enjoyes coming bk to are house after same with oldest likes see his dad but cant wate get home they all get on with there daddy.its hard work as have bite my toung every time i whant say somthing to my ex.girl you r doing all you can most women would told there ex to get stuffed by now treating your kids like that.well hun go to a soliciter she will sort out a prober time table for ex to see kids that way if he dont turn up or gives you crap on phone or to your face then you can do it all threw the office .if on benfits you get it free and it still be a very good soliciter good luck and if you need a mate im er for you or send me a note on face book linda price x take care

Annora - posted on 09/26/2009

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I am so sorry that you and your child are having to go through this. My heart, honestly, goes out to you...along with my prayers!
In my opinion, if this guy hasn't been around (and leaving behind any chance he could have seen his son in the past), you need to be careful-since he's trying to come back into his life.
You need to find out if he's serious about having a REAL relationship with his son. It would be worse for him to start coming around, get to know him and form some kind of attachment, then bail out again. That would cause a lot of "wounds" in you and your son. Which are completely unnecessary! You and your son need to be #1 right now :)
Here's an idea. . . You could start talking about child support, including back-pay for the last 2 years, with the father. If he's really wanting a solid relationship with his son, he should be more than willing to do this! Lord knows that any amount of money won't make up for all the time that was lost, but it's a start. In my experience, most judges frown upon guys like this and make them $PAY$. (I had to go through 5+ years of judges and counselors b/c of my father when I was younger)
But, red flags are flying up very high, in me, with the way your son reacts when he's around him. That's not good....i don't know exactly what it means, but i agree that you may need to talk with a professional about that. It sounds VERY serious.
Also, if you're close/trust any of your relatives ask for their opinion/ideas.
Whatever you decide to do, take it one day at a time...very slow! Think things through and never go off of a sudden impulse. You've been the one caring for/feeding/loosing sleep for/reading to/playing with/etc your son on your own (< i applaud you for that!) So, you tell the father how things will be, NOT the other way around.
If you can't already tell, I have strong feelings about this sort of thing because my father wasn't/isn't a good role model for me and my other 2 sisters.
I'm not saying that people can't change, cause i've seen great reunions happen before. But, what has happened, in the fathers life, for a sudden change of heart? It never hurts to ask these kinds of questions to see if their motives are rightly placed.
I do hope for the best in your situation and that you and your son find a great man to share your life with :-)

Stephanie - posted on 09/26/2009

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Tell your pediatrician the reaction your boys are having when he comes around. Maybe he's done something to them in the past that makes them wet themselves. I would be very careful with leaving them alone with him. If he isn't paying child support I wouldn't let him see the kids to be honest since he hasn't cared in the past. I would push for child support and when it goes through push to have supervised visits until things get better.

Jane - posted on 09/26/2009

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first of all, find out what his rights are. a lot of lawyers have sliding scales and some do pro-bono work. i don't have any experience w/this but i would suggest not letting them know that he's asked to see them, so they don't get nervous, confused or their hopes up. keep your kids close to those males in your life that are constant and positive, grandfathers, uncles, great uncles, etc. as they get older just let them know that some people are okay w/being parents and some aren't and that it has nothing to do w/them as his children, it's just him.

i wish you the best.

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