Being treated like a roommate and not a wife

Ann - posted on 05/30/2013 ( 22 moms have responded )

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My husband is switching posts in the army and we're now moving closer to home, which is great :) the downside is that he thinks everything is his. He doesn't think it's necessary for me to go on the house hunting trip with him, or basically have a say in our future first house together, as we live in a PMQ on base. He says that it'll technically be HIS house because he pays for it, and says it's up to me to keep it in a good order when he isn't home or he'll snap. I have no say in the matter whatsoever. He's thinking this way because I don't have a license or a job atm and am relying strictly on CCTB payments monthly for two kids. I haven't got my license cause of personal finances and reasons, and I worked it out that I would be working to put my kids in day care so I could go to work to have a job. It'd be pointless. I've told him how I feel and he says my opinion doesn't matter until I show some "responsibility" to contribute more for our home, and until then everything is his. I`m lost, where do I go from here in hopes to make things better for the both of us, and for him to start treating me like his wife, and not his room mate?

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Jennifer - posted on 06/04/2013

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having a equal partnership has nothing to do with who works or who doesn't or who makes more money, or who does a better job cleaning,cooking or who drives ect. It's trusting the person your sharing your life with, knowing they are doing the best they can to contribute to the family, whatever role that is, supporting each other when one is overwhelmed , making decission together and having your own opnion, talking out issues and not hiding ones feelings, respect, consideration and compassion for each other. Not only is that the way your suppose to treat your partner, that is the way your suppose to treat everyone! And if your being treated any differant, move on with your life, there are still people out there with those values. Your married into a partnership, your not ment to be trapped, belittled, or ment to feel inferior to your partner.

Cecilia - posted on 06/01/2013

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To me, It sounds like maybe he is just a bit stresses about money issues. I say this because it kinda sounds like me to my husband at times. I don't mean to do it. He does have disability money coming in but I feel as if he wastes it. Sometimes i forget to remember he will on occasions buy me really nice things. I honestly didn't realize I was doing it until it was pointed out to me.

Try to find a way to make money. There are tons of things you can do from home. One example is child care. You take in one or two children a month and you'll make close to $1,000.

Kim - posted on 05/31/2013

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As a military spouse, go to your family advocacy center or sometimes called military onesource center. They can help you with your situation and inform you of your rights as a military spouse. They also offer counseling services. If you are in real fear contact the military crisis hotline at 1.800.273.TALK (8255). You can also visit their website at www.militaryonesource.mil

Natalie - posted on 06/03/2013

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Wow makes my husband seem like an angel. I'm sorry you have to deal with someone so selfish. No one quite understands how hard it is to keep a clean house with 2 or more little ones unless you do it all day everyday. Maybe try figuring up the expenses of daycare, gas, ext on paper. Show him how much your saving your family. Explain that if you got a "real" job that he would have to pitch in with house work, cleaning and getting up with the kids at night. If he wants an equal partnership give him one honey.

Sara - posted on 06/02/2013

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I understand that he has never hit you but basing your worth on how much money you make when you are home with the kids isn't quite right either. If you won the lottery would that be yours alone, and yours to spend on whatever you saw fit?

Getting your license, and a job are good goals. It will help you in the future regardless, but it has nothing to do with your value. Your opinion is as important as his because you are his wife, everything he has is half yours. Period.

I make more than my husband, and work out of town 4 days a week. He does a great job taking care of the house and kids while I am gone. I couldn't do it without him, he's everything to me. I would never say that to him, ever.

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Tina Marie - posted on 06/05/2013

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Let's use our brains here. Don't leave now. GET A PLAN> You have two children and not a driver's license? How do you plan on providing for their care for the rest of their lives and yours? What if you're in an emergency,, going to wait on others always? What would you do if he threw you out? Start thinking what you're life would be like as a single parent and get to work. You can't rely on others forever. Get a driver's license. Go to the library and read books on saving money and how to get ahead. He obviously gives you money while he's gone for groceries ect. Start budgeting and save five dollars a week until you have enough for permit. I'm sure this attitude of his did not occur over night, so it certainly won't change that quickly either. (Military personnel listen to horrible stories about 'cheating and lousy wives at home' every day. It's their worst fear). Whether or not you are one, is not the question here. It sounds like he's concerned he will be taking advantage of. Get a plan and follow through with it for your life, one that sets you in a better position with or without him. It's what you and your children need and he'll either see the change in you and be more trusting or he won't. Either way you will be healthier and more responsible. I'm not sure what income you are relying on for two kids but it sounds like it's paid for by someone else. Millions of people work and provide income for their families, you can too. Speak to a financial advisor, or social service worker on how to get free training or education. Provide childcare in your home and save half the income. DO something. Or the probability of ending up a living on social services with nothing will be quite high considering the divorce rate these days. You have no say in the matter because you've allowed yourself to be in a posisiton where you don't. Make a plan for your life, and a back up plan. You will hit bumps in the road and sometimes not everything will go exactly as you wish, but if you don't do something and long term you will be worse off then ever. The realty is that he's saying what he's concerned with, you can either do nothing and prove his point or do something and prove yours. No more excuses. Get tough, proactive and flourish.

Ann - posted on 06/04/2013

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All of you have made substantial points and I accept other's point of views and take into consider their suggestions. I have looked into at home day-care through the military as it's easier and I would be making just under what my husband makes every two weeks. But our house apparently wasn't up to code we didn't have a fenced in yard, and had a dog. We had gotten rid of our dog because he was getting too big and we can't build a fence because we have to right a memo, it has to get approved, then list building materials ect. We're moving in a month and there's no point, so hopefully i'll be able to try again when we move. I've also done stuff out of my home such as themed baby pictures, and sewing badges on DU's but those opportunities only come up when special holidays are around or if someone get's new badges or promotion, so i'm limited to that as well. And i do clean my house every single day. I vacuum twice, i dust the whole house, i do at least 4 loads of laundry, i wash the dishes, clean the kitchen, all the bedrooms, take out the garbage, pickup toys constantly, cook dinner every night and clean up after that, but when my husband comes home from work and see's toys everywhere he thinks the place is "dirty" and that I've been doing nothing all day. I'm a SAHM it's what i'm supposed to do is clean, look after the kids, in keep the house in order. Every time i say to him i'll pay this bill or that, he say's not to worry about it and to save my money for the kids and myself, so how am i supposed to contribute if he doesn't want my help? The most i pay for is his gas and that's it. I've even suggested getting a part-time job and he says No, because he know's that i'll be working to put the kids in daycare just so i can have a job, and because he doesn't want the responsibility to get up with the kids in the night. He plays with them and teaches them new things, but that's all he does with them, the rest is my responsibility because I am there mother.

Sarah - posted on 06/04/2013

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I was in a very similar situation a few years ago. I will tell you my story:

I was married at 23. My oldest daughter was born a few short months later. HE (my ex) told me that I was to stay home, take care of the baby, and make sure HIS house was clean everyday.I was also to do all the shopping, bill paying and follow his every command. I was also to make sure dinner was on the table waiting for him when he got off of work. I was also told to make sure there was no dishes in the sink and no laundry in the basket.If I wanted to buy something for myself, I had to ask for it. Like the way a child has to ask for things. If I wanted to go somewhere, I had to ask him also. Even if it was to go food shopping. I had to give him a list of things I had planned to do that day and he would have to approve it. He was and still is in the military. Even though I "cleaned" the house almost everyday, he still wanted to clean the house every Saturday (to his standards). I thought that this was the way ALL military wives lived, until he deployed. I went to a friends home and it was not like mine. There was dishes in the sink, laundry on the floor and they were happy, something I wasn't. I realized that I needed to change it before it got out of hand. I went to a divorce lawyer and we were divorced a few months later.

After that, he tried to control me by using our daughter against me. Saying that I would never be able to do anything. He told me that I was worthless and I would be a burden, never be able to take care of myself. That is when I had enough. During our divorce we had worked out a custody agreement, he would have his daughter every other weekend and 2 weeks during Christmas ( that year). It didn't last long. After long stressful day with her, she wouldn't listen to him, so he did the only thing he knew how to, he hit her. That was the only time he every hit her. He never did anything like that while we were together and I would tell me self that he would never abuse us. but he did. After that, our daughter never trusted him again.

I am telling you this because if you don't get out now, it will just get worse. And if you don't do it for you, please do it for the children. I am going to suggest you do what the other ladies are saying..save some money, get a license and get out.

Cecilia - posted on 06/04/2013

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i have a 16,13,12, 2, and 9 month old. Like i said though, i was a single mom to the older 3. I'm not saying they don't make messes. With teenagers cooking alone can make one hell of a mess. I don't count toys on the floor as the house being "dirty".

To me, dirty is things aren't wiped down, food not picked up off the floor, dishes not done, floor not vacuumed once or twice a day depending on mess (glitter days require more). Keeping it organized, well that's the fun part isn't it? I'm guessing if it was only toys, which as you said will take at most 20 minutes, he wouldn't be complaining because she can do that when the kids go to bed and boom she is done.

My husband puts the babies to bed for me. They lay down at 8:30. By 10 when they fall asleep, I have the living room, kitchen and bathroom cleaned. The only reason I do it so late right now is because it's warm out and soon as they are done eating they want to go outside and play.

Natalie - posted on 06/04/2013

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Your children must be older. My house is clean. I dust, sweep, mop and all that jazz but toys are still pulled out everywhere. So to anyone walking in my house looks a mess. It only takes a few minutes to pick them all back up but a few seconds later they will be pulled back out. My husband has seen it first hand and understand. He even helps me cook sometimes. Being 7 months pregnant with a one year old hanging on your leg can make everything challenging lol

Cecilia - posted on 06/03/2013

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Well I seem to get my house clean every day. I have 5 children and I work from home. I spend time with my kids, I also cook every night too :-0 .. wait maybe I am superwoman and never knew... naw I just do what needs to be done.

And to top it off I was a single mother of 3 for 10 years, still had a clean house.

Cecilia - posted on 06/02/2013

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Here's the thing ladies. He wants an equal partnership. He does not feel it is equal. I'm assuming the housework isn't being kept up on because the comment about the new house should be kept clean. Why would someone say that to someone who does it already? I'm sure if they sat down and discussed her being a stay at home mom it would be a different story.(she does not call herself a stay at home mom, she says she is unemployed. If she made herself an equal partner in some way, he would back off.

Like i said to me it sounds like he is worried about money. That happens in a relationship. If she can't come up with some way to contribute to the household then he is going to continue to be a little on edge.

You all would change your mind real quick if she switched the story and said her hubby stays at home and she is buying a house and he tells her she is being unfair. You would all be on her side telling her he's a deadbeat and needs to get a job. If you want to be equals then be equal.

Leesa - posted on 06/02/2013

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Take your kids and tell him you are leaving unless
He starts to show you some respect. You are both
Surpose to work together as a team and ATM your the
Stay at home mum which is nothing wrong with that
As so am I. My bf soon to be husband (next week) and before
He had a serious work accident he would work over
80 hours a week and give me his key card which I still have
And tell me to go pay what ever we needed too, but food,
And anything me or the kids wanted( by the way these are his
Step kids) I'm really sorry you are being treated like you don't
Matter but you do and you NEED to tell him how uou feel
And if he doesn't want to listen then take your beautiful
Kids and leave you deserve much better good luck xx

Danicia - posted on 06/01/2013

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I think you need get yourself in gear. I can understand from the brief explanation how he may feel like you are another responsibility of his- another mouth to feed, another person to tend to. if that is how he is thinking, you aren't his wife, you are another burden. that's just my opinion, not a personal attack (clarification before someone jumps my butt for stating it). I think the best you could do before charging in, guns a'blazing, is to get yourself in gear. get your own income, get your license, help out financially to where you are not viewed as just the housekeeper. see how that affects the situation. marriage counseling would be a potential route too. my personal opinion is that you need to get your stuff in gear. good luck in your endeavors!

Ann - posted on 06/01/2013

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He had apologized of being an a$$ and not taking into consideration the needs of what I would need while we move too, and that i am entitled to make the decision of our house together as a couple should do, but i know he's probably just saying that so we can skip arguing. Atm we do grocery shopping together, and having my license ill admit has brought up a lot of issues considering my family is 4 hours away and I have no friends where i reside atm. We have had a huge discussion about expectations of each other and that we might actually be looking into marriage counseling in means to leave nothing on the table and meet in the middle somewhere. Also, my husband is NOT abusive towards me and never has been. Yes we fight but we don't blindly scream and bicker at each other, we sit down and argue and may raise our voices at one another over frustration, but I have never felt endangered in anyway. Just wanted to make that clear.

Shannon - posted on 06/01/2013

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You need to get your license and get out!! This guy does not deserve you, save your money on the side without him knowing and start planning your future and your children. You will never be happy with him, in fact it will only get worse! Figure it out and get out!

Jennifer - posted on 06/01/2013

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This situation will never end. No matter what you do (get a job, a car, etc.) it will never be enough. I know this type of man, he doesn't.t change. Take the kids and go now before he starts thinking that you and ths kids are .his. And starts doing whatever he wants with you.

Amanda - posted on 05/31/2013

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My brother is the military and is married has a two year old and a house with her. He doesn't think that way. He works and she is going to school right now. Maybe you need to show him how much daycare would cost you, but in Canada some bases have daycare and most don't make them pay much. Go from there if he doesn't change his attitude then I would either go to a marriage counseling or even a trail separation. But as a mother I feel ya. I live at home because he walked out and can't afford daycare and would only be working for daycare. Next year when my son goes to grade one I plan on getting a full time job. I also do not have my license because when the time came to renew I did not have enough money to do so. It was either diapers and formula or my drivers license. And I chose my son. So now I have to work to get it because of the regulations in Canada. Hang in there and talk to anyone you can. Talk to other mothers on base maybe they are in the same boat. But I do know that sometimes military men just can't change the way they think.

Sally - posted on 05/31/2013

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I'd try to go to a marriage counselor with him. If he's not interested, I'd go to a divorce lawyer. This behavior of his is very abusive. If you want to save your marriage, try to get him some help, but if he's not interested in getting healthy, you need to get away before he hurts you.

[deleted account]

If I were you, I'd go right out the door. He's an ass.

When you get married, everything each of you has (except your emergency account) becomes joint custody--There is no more "This is mine and this is yours" it all becomes "This is OURS."

My husband loves me staying at home, it makes his life easier because all he has to do is work and play with our son, whereas when I worked, he had to help with cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. He'd rather have the free time and less money than have to come home to more work every evening. Remind your husband how much he would be expected to help out at home if you were at work everyday.

That said, you do need to get your license. How do you do your shopping? Get the kids to activities and extracurriculars? That's got to be difficult. Plus, he sounds on the edge of abusive, and not having your license puts you in a really tough spot if you need to leave. Use some of the emergency money you set aside for yourself before you became a sahm to get your license asap.

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