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Michelle - posted on 05/08/2012

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I'm sorry but he's abusive and it's not healthy for your children to grow up in that situation. Would you like your boys to grow up thinking that's the way to treat their wives? Would like your daughters to marry someone abusive because that's what they think is normal?

I was married to a man the would belittle me because I "only" worked part time. The best thing I did was leave him. I didn't want my boys to grow up thinking that women were of lesser value than men.

He sounds like he has been like this for a long time so he's not going to change. You really need to decide what you want for your children. Especially since he won't go to counseling.

Jenni - posted on 06/15/2012

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Michelle has given some great advice.



And he doesn't hate you, dear. He hates himself. Often people who don't like themselves very much will project what they feel onto someone else. It sounds like in the last 8 years he's made you his emotional punching bag. This is a very deep seated issue which can only be solved if he is;



a) Willing to admit there is a problem

b) Sincerely wants to get help for it



But it doesn't sound like he is anywhere willing by what you posted. 8 years of blaming everything on you, probably makes it damn near impossible to find fault in himself. And therein, lies the issue. Men like him need to find faults in others because they cannot bring themselves to take responsibility for their own actions and feelings. So it becomes a bit of a catch-22 in trying to convince him that he needs help.



You made a mistake, yes. We all do. But you certainly did NOT deserve that sort of reaction. I can understand him being mad but that is way over the top. I imagine if he hasn't taken your feelings into account for the duration of your marriage that after awhile it would make it very difficult for you to take his feelings into consideration. It is also possible that he feels that by you staying home that you do not care about his feelings and that could be where this is all stemming from. Maybe he is resentful about having to carry the financial burden and that is where this "selfish" comment comes from. It could be that he feels you put yourself before him, he has been hurt by it for years and this last incident was the straw that broke the camel's back and caused him to blow his lid. Just to offer another perspective. Of course, this is why councelling would be necessary to repair your relationship because emotionally abusing you for it is not going to solve anything, only make things worse.



In my honest opinion, if it were me and he is not willing to admit there is a problem and want to work at it. I'd be showing him the door. My children come first and as Michelle pointed out; I wouldn't want them growing up believing that this is what a normal, healthy marriage should be. My most prominent desire for my children is for them to be happy in life and part of that includes choosing or being a good partner to their future spouse. So I hope to set that example for them with my own relationship.



If you do present the idea of councelling to him again. Present it in a way that addresses the both of you. That you both need the help if you want a happy relationship together and that you both need to admit where you went wrong and work at it together, as a team.



I left an emotionally abusive relationship after 5 years that then began turning physical and I am much, much better for it. It was HELL, looking back on it. But for the longest time I couldn't see the forest for the trees.



Best of luck to you, I hope all works out for the best.

Ana - posted on 06/22/2012

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Wow, abusive. He's trying to control you with fear by throwing things around, and God knows what else. Honey, it doesn't get better. Sometimes counseling doesn't even help for many many many years, if he decides to go and participate.

It's ur life, but people don't change unless they want to! Ask any Dr, or anyone else other than myself that has lived through abuse.

The abuse that he is exhibiting infront of the kids is one thing, they may need counseling to live free from the effects of it...but you my dear, the longer you stay in this kind of a situation, the longer it will take for you to heal.. you'll pretty much be a basket case, on pills and meds, and emotionally useless to your kids the longer you are in this (abuse errodes your emotions), takes a life time to get them back..if ever, depends on how dedicated and strong you are..most women just loose out on a normal life.. just the truth...

I can see your journey right now is to clear things up with him, but nothing will ever be clear without intervention...He doesn't respect you, and so he's never going to listen to you. Not without intervention, God, counseling, police if and when he goes to far...

Abusers don't have many limits, but they must always push your limits to keep you more controlled and scared..

The kids are who I am really afraid for, mainly because in one of his fits of rage, what if he hurts one of them, then what?

Tabitha - posted on 05/08/2012

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I agree with Michelle, get out while you still can! In a normal situation, I would say since you go to book club every month you could have compromised and skipped a week so that he could go. However, since this is his personality, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have mattered, he would have found something to freak out about. Go back to full-time work so that you can start saving a little money to move out. But definitely put a plan in motion right away before it's too late.

Erin - posted on 06/23/2012

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First you stay home if that's what is best for your kids, second no job is beneath any person if he doesn't like the free child care you provide the family then tell him he can pay 100% of the child care expenses from his check. Third if he wants you to do half the work then he needs to do half the cooking, picking up the kids, laundry, house work etc. Fourth the next time he throws a fit like that one call the police. He must learn he cannot abuse and intimidate the family, ever. It's time to put your foot down right now. All men do this crap with the jobs it's never enough they are always picking at women for having part-time jobs or low pay jobs, just don't buy into it anymore. Don't let it happen. If he can't get better I suggest a divorce and a child support order including half the child care costs. It's amazing how swiftly a man realizes how much money the services a mom does is worth after she divorces him.

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21 Comments

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Felicia - posted on 07/20/2013

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Buy something sexy cook his favorite meal and give him a few nights of anything he wants u to do u should have got back in time to let him go to the fight u knew in advance and it was pretty selfish looks like u guys need to reignite the spark nothing serious to divorce about CRAZY sex will fix ANYTHING hes a man

Cleaver - posted on 02/16/2013

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my husband is the same way except hes decided mariage councilling will help us, it helped alot that he said that. if it refused i would leave i would let him visitation with our boys when ever he wanted he is a great father. makes me thankful my husbands atleast wanting to work it through if it doesnt help atleast we tried

[deleted account]

Hi priya prabhu,

I think being an Indian I perfectly understand the delliema u r in......I'm also in a marriage that has failed on all grounds...as for ur problem wid daughter try getting evidence of violence and whatever u can get against ur hubby.no court in India is going to give custody of ur daughter to a man who doesn't respect women and has other vices......fight ur case....u r cushioned....talk to a lawyer.all the best.

Ana - posted on 06/24/2012

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And if something were to happen to you (you have to think this way with these kinds of abusive relationships), and your children were left to be raised by your husband and his parents, then what...

Your safety equalls their safety as well. I hope you understand. I never thought I would get a divorce until divorce was my only option if I ever wanted a life on this earth. There has to be something that means enough to you in order to motivate you to get help.

Too many women die because they think they can work it out, fix their husbands/men, your hisband can't change you and you can't change him, unless eiether of you want to change.

Charu - posted on 06/23/2012

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priya kids learn what they see if you think that divorce is not an option but if you can bear what he is doing to you abusing you not respecting you.these things are going to leave a very bad impression your daughter she wouldnt respect you either.fight for your respect every person deserves love and happiness.god bless.

Tiffanie - posted on 06/23/2012

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Wow, I'm so sorry. I see where your both coming from and coming from divorced parents who fought like that all the time i never think its ok to act like that in front of children. From what it sound like is your husband feels not apperciated. It sound like he may need some more free time away from you and kids just a guys weekend. I know as girls we want all girls on our side. However, I don't agree with his temper tamturm I do understand it. It's not right for him to take out his anger on you in that way at all. If i had to make a suggestion I would do two things sit down calmly maybe go out to dinner and talk get a babysitter and find out what you both want. Also suggest him and soem of his buddies going out on a guys weekend or a guys night out no kids no wifes just the men relaxing. I love my husband but kicking him out of the house has done wounders. Maybe a fishing day or a concert with the guys. An if money is his promblem look for a stay at home job like babysitting or Convergys does work at home. Theres always ways to fix things if your think its worth fixing.

Priya - posted on 06/22/2012

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Yeah Tabitha, divorce is not an option for me... In India, money and political influence decides even important things like this...Like I have said in my post I will have to leave my daughter and i am not going to do that...that is not an option for me... I cannot even think to leave her... If I still go leave her and get out, my mother in law will be growing up my daughter for me i guess and i honestly don't have any good opinion about her child rearing skills.......My only option is to do something just staying here............Thanks for taking the time to suggest this Tabitha....

Dehra - posted on 06/22/2012

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I think being that he resents you for not working and he's not willing to go to counseling. it would be a done deal for me. I would not allow that behavior to be around my children. I would get a job get me a place for me and my kids and move if the time came that he wanted me back we would have to do some serious couseling and I would not move back into that home until he went thru some serious anger management.... What Im telling you is exactly what I did my fiance was acting like a plum fool in front of our kids I got a job made him move out and he did not move back in until he went to anger management and we are Still going to counseling this was a year ago. but thing are a lot better between us no more yelling in front of the kids. we are actually thinking of planning our wedding now

Tabitha - posted on 06/22/2012

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Priya Prabu: I'm sorry about the situation that you and your daughter are in. But your husband is not the "perfect father". Being a good dad isn't only about how you treat the child. It's also about the quality of life he provides. Right now, he's good to her but treats you poorly which makes you unhappy. Children know when we are unhappy and it makes them unhappy. I hope you do find a way out with your daughter because basically, you're raising her to end up in the same type of situation. She'll grow up watching your husband treat you like dirt and she'll think that's normal. When girls get married, they look for someone with the same qualities that their father has. If you can't find a way out to better your own life, you need to try to get out to better your daughter's life and prevent her from living in the same hell that you've been dealing with. Good Luck.

Priya - posted on 06/22/2012

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This guy sounds exactly like my husband.. but my daughter is one and half years and he is really great with her... like he 'll do anything for her... but he 'll blame me for everything ever goes wrong in his life... he once hit a wall in a parking lot (he was driving and i was sitting in the car in the back seat calming down my daughter, who didn't want to go home yet) and yelled at me for not seeing the wall... And he insults me ractically all the time.He says many hurtful things all mostly pointing to the fact that i am not earning....Our daughter was born prematurely and has poor immunity, so our pead specifically asked me to not put her in a play school or day care until she's 3 or 4 if possible...I guess when years pass by he 'll only be more insulting and abusive and i want to leave him.....But I don't want to take the perfect father she has from my daughter....We are Indians(from India in Asia)...We live in India, where culturally, socially and practically a divorce is not that easy and he will surely win the custody without even a battle to begin with(his father is a big shot, friends with many politicians and one word from him will do for him to get the child)...And i can't even imagine leaving my daughter... so i don't have the choice of going out of the marriage.. but would appreciate some tips as to how to make things better for myself....I even hate to talk to him... I don't want him to come home from office.. the longer he works the happier i am.......Thanks girls for listening to me vent out....... any useful pointer is appreciated and i 'll be grateful for your suggestions........

Charu - posted on 06/21/2012

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you know what is right honey but you are just scared to do the right thing.he is abusive and violent dont put your kids through that.

Janelle - posted on 06/15/2012

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I know how you feel my husband is always complaining about me and everything I say or do. We have been married over 30 years and I sometimes wonder if I have wasted my life and wonder were it all went wrong. My husband calls me stupid and tells me to shut up and I don't have to do anything wrong he just finds fault in things I do and thinks everything should be done his way or else it is wrong and then he shouts and swears. I find it very upsetting and I am to ashamed to talk to my friends about it.

Stifler's - posted on 05/09/2012

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Ok he sounds psycho who does that. I agree that you should have come home in time for him to go. But breaking computer screens over it and whatever?! he has anger management issues and doesn't respect you, if he refuses to have counselling you need to get out.

Michelle - posted on 05/08/2012

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It's hard to see what is right in front of us sometimes.
I've just had to help one of good friends to get out of a very abusive relationship. He would hit her and throw her against walls. She always said she did something to provoke him but NO ONE has the right to treat another person that way. The last time he broke her wrist.

I know your husband isn't hitting you but emotional abuse is just as wrong. Why is he better than you? We all have a right to be treated with respect, especially from the person who chose to spend the rest of their life with us.
It took me a while to realize that my relationship with my ex wasn't healthy but coming from a broken home I was determined to try and make my marriage work. Of course it didn't but I have since married the most amazing man. There are good ones out there that treat their wives like princesses.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. It may help to go to counseling for yourself first to get back your self esteem. When you are told that you are worthless enough times you start to belive it.

[deleted account]

WOW Michelle! Deep down I know that he is but I don't want to accept this fact however,I always want to do what is best for my kids. Up to this point I figured I could manage it and I keep the kids away for but now that they are older its hard to hide the fact that something is serioulsy wrong. Thanks for your insight!!!

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