Boyfriend forbids I am awake while he is asleep

Mel - posted on 08/22/2017 ( 1 mom has responded )

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He works M-F at 5:30am, I work weekends until 3am. I do most of the house chores and pay half of the bills. During the week I am home with our 18 month baby. I often cannot sleep at night and instead will lay in bed and read articles and browse the internet from my phone. He usually wakes up a couple of times throughout the night, and if he opens his eyes and sees that I am on my phone and not sleeping like he was, he loses it, yells at me "It''s 2 in the f*cking morning and you're on your phone!!!", then he goes to sleep on the couch, and sometimes he gets so angry that he takes off in his car in the middle of the night. I've tried to reason with him before and tell him, I can't always sleep when you sleep, I don't have to be up at 5am like you do, and I was not punished for using my phone or the internet during late hours when I was a teenager so I certainly an not going to be now as an adult! Last night he grabbed my phone from me to see what I was reading (an article about food), made his angry remarks, then I put the phone down and pretended to sleep. He then intentionally let his 5 alarms ring on for a minute straight at 4:30am, hoping to wake me and/or the baby. And instead of giving him the pleasure of knowing that I was awake and annoyed by it, I laid there and pretended to sleep through it. He couldn't believe I wasn't bothered after the first 3 alarms and was actually "laughing" with anger about it and mumbling things I couldn't make out. Probably to no ones surprise, this is just one of our many issues in the relationship. The big issues all revolve around his temper, and his need to control me. On the contrary, he has many great qualities as well. He is an outstanding father, and he does do a lot for me too. He is constantly helping other people, worrying about what everyone needs and how he can help them go get it, he is very caring and loving but his angry side can consume him. Anyone been through similar stuff, any advice?

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Amorganjj - posted on 08/22/2017

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I do know what you are going through. My fiance thinks we should both be going to bed at the same time. He gets up at 5:30 am as well. If he stays awake waiting for me then he tries to blame me for his lack of sleep. Notice I used the word "tries". He is responsible for his own actions and feelings. He is not allowed to micro manage my life. If he gets on me about something like what time I choose to go to bed, I remind him of this. I do listen to his complaints in a way that makes him feel heard. If he becomes verbally abusive or uses passive aggressiveness (in your situation the passive aggresiveness would be the alarm repeatedly going off and saying things under his breath) towards me I stop listening to him and tell him why I'm not listening to him anymore. I tell him to please speak to me respectfully. If he continues I take the kids and go somewhere else. If he is respectful towards me I talk with him about if he might be correct in his complaint about my behavior. Then I either change it, compromise, or keep it the same depending on what is. He has had to learn that I would never intentionally do anything to hurt him and he can trust me. I have learned to be open to maybe being wrong and some things I do are inconsiderate and need to changed. He use to be very bad and controlling. Especially when he was drinking. When it was at it's worst I finally had to leave and stay gone. He begged me to come back and in the past I always would because he was sorry. Thos time I would tell him no and then ask him if he wanted to spend time with the baby. Then i would drop the baby off with him for a hour. I wouldnt stay and talk to him. He said he quit drinking but it still wasnt enough for me to want to go back. Then one day i did stay and talk to to him for a few minutes before leaving for the coast. I thought about asking him if he wanted to go and it would mean one person wouldnt have a seat belt since it was broken but decided it was too soon anyway. On the way there an oncoming vehicle's driver fell asleep from too many prescription drugs and collided into me head on. It flipped the truck i was driving with me, our daughter, my son, and my nephew. I got a concussion and so did our daughter. My fiance had to take care of both of us. We still struggle sometimes with his insecurities and my indifference to his sometimes real accusations of me but we show people how we want to be treated. I try to be more understanding, demand respect, and try to compromise.

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