Can't tell you why...

Leah - posted on 06/03/2015 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Being a parent is not always the easiest task to take on. It requires you to give up all the use to be dreams and form new ones, around tiny little growing humans. There are many ups to parenting, but I'd be lying if I told you there was never any downs. And lets face it, kids are not angels. Well, at least not mine, and if yours are...you probably don't have business reading this.

I realized a couple years ago, that my life as an individual is over. I am no longer me...I am a mom, a wife, a cook, maid, chauffeur, and professional butt wiper. Do I ever get addressed by name? Not unless someone is angry. Sometimes I wonder if I would even recognize my name anymore, if you were to shout it in public.

There could be worse things than losing yourself to parenting. But as I climb the age tree and pretend like I'm not approaching 30, things start to bother me. It bothers me that I don't have more accomplishments, more money, more friends...more everything (except kids, I have a lot of those). Even more, it bothers me my lack of social skills. I don't know when it happened, but I have become extremely socially awkward. I can't connect to people anymore. My cynical, sarcastic attitude has gone from a cute quirk to consuming my entire life.

On rare occasions, I try to put myself out there and bond with those people who refer to themselves as my friends. But, on those same rare occasions, I always end up reflecting on our time together and telling myself, "Man, you are really losing touch with those idiots." I can't seem to convince myself that there is anyone worth bonding with.

I have a lot of hard feelings towards people who refer to me as their friend. Not many of them know me. They pretend to know me, but they have never taken the time. I am always invited to these gift soliciting events and, because of good manners, I have formerly been to every single invited event. But, none of these people come to anything for me. I had a baby shower for my youngest daughter with 3 of my sisters closest friends...because mine didn't show up. It's pretty heart breaking when you realize all the hard work you've done to be a good friend isn't even recognized or reciprocated. This last year, I stopped going.

I stopped going. I stopped leaving my house. I stopped pretending to be happy, and I stopped caring. My children are happy and healthy and that is the real focus of life. I have better conversations with my 3 year old than I have had with any adult in the last 10 years.

I can't tell you why, and I can't tell you when. But I have become bitter. Who knows if I will return. I'm struggling with a serious case of the blues...

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Leah - posted on 06/03/2015

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Cynthia,

Sometimes life gets the better of me. It's hard to remember who you are when you are being so many other things for so many people. Motherhood has made it near impossible to be a friend, let alone have one.

I don't know if its jealousy or just anger. But I work my hands to the bones to make ends meet, and to see it coming so easily and natural, really just rubs me the wrong way. It's like I am not doing it right. Being a stay at home mom, while running a business is just short of sanity.

I too find that I am more of a listener than a venter, not so much by choice either. I'd love to let it loose. But it seems when I am in a social situation, my life must be boring. There is never time to hear about it. And, I don't know if it is the same in your social circle, but I feel like just telling them to shut up and grow. There problems always seem so superficial and more of a pity party than an actual problem.

I can't tell you how relieved I am to know I am not alone. I've been drowning in my own mind lately. Thanks for hearing me "speak." ;-)

Cynthia - posted on 06/03/2015

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I understand your plight. I do have a few girlfriends that I see from time to time to "catch up" but it seems that whenever I speak, I am interrupted and spend the entire time listening to THEIR life stories, which I wouldn't mind so much... if I ever got a turn. And yes, it has made me a bit bitter as well. And I seem to be shamed whenever I say that I would rather spend the evening with my daughter than to go out and do whatever it is that they are doing that night.
I, too, have stopped going to all of the different events as well. The only parties that I seem to attend are with 6 year olds. So, I feel you. Really.
I can't really speak about where it came from in your situation, but in mine, it came from watching my friends (who are good parents) continually post pictures of just them and their friends going out and partying together, from the times that I see them putting their wants above their children's needs, from them seeming to always have so much more than I do when I work my butt off to keep us in the "middle class" (or whatever that means these days) and they barely work at all. My bitterness comes from having to deal with other people's problems all day every day and then come home to more of the same. From the occasional outing with one of my girlfriends so that I can vent, only to become the bended ear once again...
Why would I want to spend time with a bunch of people that aren't going to let me talk anyway? Hell, I am barely listened to at home, but when my "friends" can't even listen to me for 5 minutes while I discuss what is going on in my life... well... what's the point?
While that may not be advise or any type of "things will get better" comment, at least you know that you aren't alone.
Cheers friend, and just keep raising your babies - they are the most important thing in our lives.

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