Confused and lonely

Elena - posted on 05/12/2012 ( 19 moms have responded )

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Hi I live in away from my family and don't have any friends. I am a SAHM and have been for the past seven years. My marriage of 15 years has been tough; I have been emotionally abused and bullied by my husband who resents me for not having an income. His family have never liked me and done all they can to cause trouble. Another huge problem that caused a rift between us is the fact that he complains about me to his friends and family. I can understand him wanting an outlet for his problems, but those people judge me and resent me. As a result almost everybody has been alienated because of his complaints, and he does exaggerate and tells them even what he thinks I am thinking. As a result I find it very hard to become intimate with him. He swears me in front of the children, humiliates me in public (I avoid my neighbours out of embarrassment), mocks me when I attend church saying I am too evil to go, and my self-esteem has been completely destroyed.

The latest is that he is going telling people I refuse to have sex with him, which is true because I am so hurt by his gossiping. I feel like the whole world has been turned against me and I'm so alone, even my close family . He has threatened me so much I can't sleep and am weak and shaky all the time. I am far from perfect and have undoubtedly hurt him over the years, but I do not discuss him when he is not present to defend himself. I am afraid for tomorrow because me and the kids will be on the street. I don't know how to cope.
If anybody has advice I would appreciate it.

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Louise - posted on 05/13/2012

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Why are you still living with this man and allowing him to treat you like this. This is not love! If you can stay with your parents until you find somewhere to live. There are women refuges for people that have suffered abuse and you have and are still going through it. Leave him! You only get one life and this is not a happy one. You really dont have to put up with this anymore. I hope you find the strength to start again and get the life you deserve.

Tiffiny - posted on 05/15/2012

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GET OUT OF THE MARRIAGE..... go live closer to your family and if you have to move in with them until you get a job and are able to afford a place for you and your kids.... don't let him ruin your life any further because if you stay there it will also ruin your children's future because they see how he treats you and eventually they will do the same if not to you but their own spouses and you won't want to see that happen..... good luck and lots of luv ♥

Katherine - posted on 05/12/2012

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You are being abused. You need to find a woman's shelter ASAP. Take the kids NOW! What you are experiencing are panic attacks. I used to get them all the time. There is absolutely no reason for you to stay with this man.

He sounds like a fool and a jerk. Gossiping? How old is this "man?" He's not even of your caliber honey, get away from him. Join meetup.com too, I'm sure there are groups, support groups on there for you. Go to counseling. Get some therapy. He's messed you up badly.

You don't have to cope with this anymore. Call the local shelter, get a therapist and social worker and they will help you. Sounds scary I know, but it's much better than where you're at.

You are a SAHM, you work 24/7 you DO have a job! Is called a domestic engineer. GRRRR. This is just making me angry. Too bad you don't live close to me, I'd fix everything real quick ;)

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Connie - posted on 05/26/2012

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Hello Elena,

I to have been in your situation. Your self esteem is gone. There is always a way out and your a good person to put your children first. If you can not leave right now, if you do the grocery shopping start to put a little money away to leave later on--hide it where he will not find it, in a floor board, a book that he would not bother to look in...a lining of a purse etc...

Now start to work on your self esteem for you and your children. Who cares if his family does not like you---give them a reason to really gossip, if your heavy, work out when he is not there--if your house needs some cleaning or straightening up, make the effort for you and your children to put all in order and for every down he puts on you, do not look sad, just say "Im sorry you feel that way" and dont argue back.

During this time your getting a plan, letting him get a taste of what he will miss and you will feel better. Dont be a hermit, people will always talk, but you show them his talk is wrong.....smile when you say hi to people and keep your head held high....if he embarrasses you in public, say in public, "ohhh, Im sorry you feel that way, and stare him down"

He is thriving on your fear, and you have to show him that no matter what you stand your ground..if he beats you, call the police and file charges. He can not kick you out of the house--there are laws for that and if he does, go to the local church , they will help you out.

Threatening are words....get a safe deposit box and write a diary, or keep papers you can put there weekly and dated of things he does to you, so if something does happen this will be found and he will be convicted.

Please stop living in fear..do this for you and your children. He is an abuser and needs to be stopped, you and your children deserve soooo soooo much better and life does not end if he kicks you out. When a door closes another one is always around the corner to open with many opportunities.

Saying a Prayer and hope you find the courage to end this as what your children see they will mimic if not now then in their adult relationships. Never think you are shielding the children....they know.

Brenda - posted on 05/26/2012

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Elena,

I believe you are in a very abusive relationship and while I can understand that you are completely financially dependant on your husband, is there no outlets for you where you are at? Can your church help you get out of the situation you are in? I believe that it is up to you to provide your children with a more stable home life, they will grow up and think that the behavior your husband betrays upon you is normal, I do not believe you would want that for your children. I wish you all the best of luck, I am so very sorry you are going through all this.

Elena - posted on 05/26/2012

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I would like to thank all the wonderful women who responded to my post. You have all been most supportive. I have spoken to my priest and am praying a lot for the Lord to help me to make changes in my life,for my and my children's sake. My parents have passed on and I miss them dearly. My sisters (except one) do have nothing to do with me but I also pray they will change in time. I will look for the book entitled 'Captivating.'

I will have faith and ask for courage to do whatever is needed to make a new life. God bless you all.

Elke - posted on 05/23/2012

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Hi Elena,

I can't imagine what you are going through, but I'd like to offer you my friendship and prayers. I know God is suffering to see you go through life this way, but He never lets us go through anything we wouldn't be able to withstand. (Just go THROUGH it, don't STAY in it!)

I am currently reading a book that has truly lifted my spirit and helped me heal old wounds, "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. It might help you sort some things out and help strengthen you.

I understand perfectly that being a SAHM is not the problem, he is just using it as an excuse to dump his frustrations and shortcomings as a man on you. But sometimes when we make a radical change in our lives everything else changes too. And although I believe kids do benefit from mom being with them all the time, in your situation I don't think it applies. They are seeing you unhappy, frustrated and being treated as inferior (which you are NOT, God created us equal and not only that, you are God's final touch on creation, with out which it would't be the masterpiece that it is. You, Elena, uniquely reflect the image of God, or are you not created in the image of God himself?).

It sounds like you have lived in the US long enough to at least qualify as resident, you should try to get your nationality ASAP. But before anything else get a job and move out. What is your current situation teaching your children? Either abuse or be abused... is that what you want them to be like as adults?

If you simply ask, God will be there to bail you out and help you get all the details sorted.

Where do you live? Maybe I can help you find the counseling and support you need where you are. Please feel free to contact me anytime.

May God give you strength and wisdom.

Love,
Elke

[deleted account]

Hope, from your post you are clearly a smart, confident woman who is in a bad situation. I pray that you do find the courage within to move on with your life and find your own happiness. For your sake and your child's. Sometimes following our gut instead of our heart is a tough decision but the best one in the long run. Good luck with everything in your life and I wish you nothing but peace, strength and happiness!

Hope - posted on 05/20/2012

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I'm going through something similar myself. My difference I'm not married. I devoted myself to this man and have gotten very little in return. He left me after cheating on me, and that's where things really got ugly.

Long story short - I'm packing. He wanted me to abort my daughter when I was 5 months pregnant because it... and I quote "ruined his life". He attacked me as an artist saying I'd better give up my dream and come down to reality and get a "shitty, two bit job" just to bring income into the household. However, when I've worked I was still responsible for the house AND the kids. I've worked two jobs, TWO and he didn't respect either of them because he "made more".

Even after talking to him, demanding family counseling, etc I've realized that he is an abuse case himself and I can't help him. Oh he loves his "little girl" now, but when sight out of mind he turns the vitriol on full. A mutual friend of mine asked me "is there anything good about him", it took me a bit to respond - but I could. She told me this "he can't, he has nothing good to say about you".

...

He is being manipulated by two so called "best friends" and most of my friends hate him for how he treats me. They've even socially "punished him" to try and "wake him up". Most of "his" friends hear nothing but bad things about me and socially reject me. It's ugly.

I know you are not from this country, but go to a women's shelter and tell them that.

Me? If he doesn't "wise up" before I get all of my belongings packed, I'm going to be the "single mom" I've always been....

Shelley-Ann - posted on 05/17/2012

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Hello Elena:

It's very sad when the relationship that is supposed to comfort us and give us strength turns into the source of our sorrow. The trouble is that usually we think that we're the only person going through something like this and we feel like there's nothing that we could do. Many others have posted what you can do. The fact is that you already know that you have to do something. You are stronger than you think, and you are not alone. It might feel like that now, but there are people who can help you. Stop and think about it for a moment. You will come up with a name, someone you can trust who can help you do what needs to be done. You are beautiful, you are strong, and you are smart. You can find a way to get the help you need, and a lot sooner than you think possible. Others have done it, and you can do it too. You deserve better.

Lisa - posted on 05/15/2012

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If anyone else is going through this,dont put up with it,its not just a matter of ignoring the moods its alot more than that,they will continually abuse you the longer you stay,everyone if you have kids,think about how this would affect them and what sort of influence they've got,kids must learn to respect women not treat them like dirt.Finding a place and sorting out how and when you are going to move is the first step,the longer anyone stays in this type of marriage the harder it is to move,yes its hard being a single seperated mum but you do get use to it after a while.NO one should ever ignore this behaviour and shouldnt have to put up with it,they are being nothing but disrespectfull and sorry to say they wont change for anyone.

Gina - posted on 05/15/2012

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Ohhhh! Elena, isn't you the problem. He is the one has issues. Dont let him continue putting you down, Be strong and let him know he needs to grow up. He really need to respect you more. Don't let you push around, Just get tough, don't overwhelm yourself with sadness, is a waste a value time.



YOU really need to have a plan, think about yuo child and you, you don't need the abuse. Only you know if you can reach some kind of understanding with him, so you can have better life. There are lawyers that you can consult with for free, and they will tell your options.

DON'T GO ANY WHERE until you have something for sure, (a new place and family or friends to help you) only if you think you have to take it to this level.

Your husband will pay for your lawyer and to make sure your child has a roof over his head, this is why you should consult with a lawyer just in case.



If you have been married this long, with this type of treatment coming from him, I guess, you just have to stay put

try to toletate him and care for your chidlren. If you children are going to school, you might want to work in the school in kitchen, or as sub-teacher if you can.

My husband has his moments, but I'm very well aware of how much he can loose if he cont. to push and trust me they don't want to give up their home.



Stay alert, and don't give to much importance about what his family or others have to say.

You should know that you are strong and you have to make yourself happy and your child too.

Good luck!!! you are not alone.

Lisa - posted on 05/14/2012

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Hi Elena,i've been through this too,please dont let your beautifull children put up with this,my ex husband is like this too and it took a great deal of courage,strength and determination to leave him,i decided after being bullied,intimidated,mocked,verbally abused that im not going to put up with it any longer and when he went to work,i got my mum,brother,sister to help me move out,i wrote a note saying that i was leaving him and i was really scared though.It got to the stage where if me and my son had stayed any longer then the physical abuse probably would have started,my ex has an anger problem,he never hit me or my son but if i had stayed then it would have started,he also has a gambling problem too so i never see any child maintenence money from him.I will pray for you cause this is a very tough situation,mentally and physically its draining.Im certainly alot happier now and more at peace than when i was living with my ex.IF you like to talk more with me i am on facebook,i will be more than happy to be your friend,its always good to talk about it this way you will know whats the best thing to do but its up to you what decision you make for your beautifull kids and yourself,you guys deserve much better believe me,dont let the negitiveness win,love and light to you and your beautifull kids,Lisa Jankovic:)xxx

Sarah - posted on 05/14/2012

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I watched my best friend go through something simular. Her husband told her to go to counciling to "get herself fixed". After it was clear that there was no way to save the marriage, the councelor actually helped her come up with an exit strategy to keep her and her children safe. Her councelor was through her church. You should look into if your church has any options for counciling. I am not one to easily say, leave your husband. I believe that marriage is for life; however, no one deserves to be treated like that. No matter what you have done in the past, you deserve better. Your children need you to be at your best and you are clearly not.
Hopefully he just needs a wake-up call. Good luck to you.
Also, look into if your community has a mom's group. It is a great way to meet other SAHMs and they are a great resource.

Kelina - posted on 05/14/2012

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Talk to your local womens shelter. Talk to CPS. Talk to everyone to find out where you need to go to be able to get away from this man and find help. Find out what options are available to you to be able to leave. If he resents you for not working then he shouldn't have an issue with you trying to find work so you can leave him. I'd just leave out the reason. This is not a marriage that is working or fixable unless he sees that there is a problem and it doesn't sound like he does. Don't put yourself and your kids through this. You don't want them growing up thinking that the way he treats you is ok. It's not.

[deleted account]

Take this advice from someone who has had a loved one go through this kind of abuse, even if he is not physical with you, you are being abused, and sometimes emotional abouse is the worst! No matter what you have done, you do not deserve abuse of any kind! Do not give this man the power to make you worry about where you and your children are going to live, screw his family and neighbors and what anyone thinks! Take your kids and find the nearest shelter or womens center and ask for help and they will give it to you! The greatest gift you can give your children is your courage, courage to move forward and make a life for you and your children, any women's shelter or center will help you with work, housing, childcare, clothing whatever you need! I know it is easier said than done but you have the strength inside of you to move forward! There is life after abuse, get out now while you still can, save your children and yourself!

Elena - posted on 05/13/2012

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Hi Rachel
I am not entitled to any social security because I am not in my home country, which I left because life is so hard there. I am financially dependent on my husband.

Michelle - posted on 05/12/2012

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Your husband is abusive seek out a local womans shelter take your children and go there. They will help you get established and rebuild your life. If you stay your children will go up learning that it is ok for men to treat woman poorly seek help and get out of this poisonous relationship

Rachel - posted on 05/12/2012

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Hun I feel so sorry for you and the life you are living. You do not deserve to be treated like that. No woman does. It has to be alot more than you not bringing in an income that he has a problem with. Also he probably does not realize how much you would have to pay for child care if you were working. also you would be more stressed working and caring for the children and also the house. I would leave him. Do whatever you have to do to take care of yourself and your children. Just a question why will you and the children be on the street tomorrow? You need to hold your head up high and not worry about what other think about you. It is none of their business if you dont want to sleep with your husband for whatever reason. If you want to talk you can message me.

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