Constant lies with the BDs wife!

Megan - posted on 06/17/2011 ( 10 moms have responded )

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Im really sick of hearing all the negative things about my own B.C. (bio children) of what they have to say when it comes to visiting their BDs for the summer parenting time! Its pretty frustrating and documenting everything that is said from my own childrens mouthes! I fed up to the max!

They say alot of negative things of how I don't love them and how I wish I never had children.....how could a parent even........


just venting.....

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Andrea - posted on 06/17/2011

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I would be asking the children why they say these things at their Dad's house? What makes then feel that you don't love them? You may find that the kids are being prompted, or lead into saying those things. Another option is to take them to a psych to see if they repeat what they have said to their dad and SM.

If the SM is documenting etc I'm sure that she is just trying to help the kids because she is worried about them, you shouldn't have to justify what goes on in your own home but try to keep a positive perspective on her actions, how would you feel if the kids constantly came home saying that their Dad hates them blah blah. It would probably worry you.

If they are well cared for and loved then you have nothing to worry about.

Dodie - posted on 06/18/2011

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I know, Hon:( I really understand on a personal level, as well as going through it with my Friends who have found themselves in your position:( All you can do is find a trustworthy person with whom to vent, & be careful it is not in front of your children, no matter how old/young they are! I was patient, & it really paid off for mine & my daughter's relationship. It would be great if I could tell you that that would happen for you right now, but I can't:( Just know that you are not alone in what you are going through! Try to find a good support group like some kind of "Parents Anonymous" or some such. It is really amazing what getting together with others in the same situation, & going through some of the same stuff, will do to help you cope!!
God Bless...Dodie/Nana

Dodie - posted on 06/18/2011

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When people pick a mate, they should be more careful who they pick & what criteria they use, myself included! My first husband, with whom I had two Daughters, left when they were 2 1/2 & 4. His THIRD WIFE was a miserable woman who liked to spread that misery around. I picked a second husband, though, who is kind & hard-working, &, believe it or not, has no vices. I was a single Mom for 6 years & turned down a lot of guys in that time & instead put my children ahead of the "man hunt".
My ex lived 1000 miles away & opted for being a no-show after I got married again. I was lucky, because I have heard some real horror stories about the way an absent parent treats/talks to the children from a former marriage. They usually treat those from the second marriage better than their eldest. Also, quite often, I hear complaints very my much like yours, MM! Separated/divorced parents tend to talk either to or in front of the children about things they should not have to hear about. They play the children off one another to curry favour with them. In reality, all that is happening is that the children end up bearing the brunt of the parents' anger & bitterness, & that of the "stepmom/dad". So, the children end up confused & hurt &, often, bitter & angry adults!
Tread lightly when you try to explain to your children--that's meant as an "all", not personal, MM--why things are said, & don't put the other parent in the role of the "bad guy". Instead, sit them down & explain what often happens during & after a divorce, about the anguish, anger & bitterness it causes some people. Try not to let them see that you, sometimes, feel those things yourself, or at least try to explain that feelings are OK, but actions based on those feelings are sometimes not. The more open & calm your conversations are with your children, the less you will suffer in the long run. Trust me, my eldest BD treated me, until the last several months, like I was the worst person that had ever walked the planet. She didn't realize that she was, all the while, punishing me for her Bio-Father's actions. Once she realized that that was the source of her anger & bitterness, she did a complete 180 with both myself & her sister! She is now 30, & her BF left us nearly 27 years ago & is now deceased. She says she is so much happier now that she has let all that go!
So, Good Luck & God Bless...Dodie/Nana

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Dodie - posted on 06/19/2011

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At those ages, Megs, I don't think that I would wait any longer. It is time to have that "talk" that I suggested. Don't talk to them together. These children are the product of you & your ex's relationship, & that is where the solution has to come from. Be very careful what YOU say in front of your little ones, too! Not just what you say TO them, but what you say when they are around. Little Pitchers have big ears!! You don't want them to tar you with the same brush that they have, albeit probably unknowingly, used for their Father & step-mother.
How often do the children go to stay with them? Hopefully, it is only every second weekend & not for long stretches. If he is willing to discuss the problem with you, pick a public place where you are both less likely to feel "out of your element". You will also have to sit the children down & explain to them, on their level, what is going on. If your ex is willing to help you with that, so much the better. If not it will be up to you to judge what they can/can't handle/understand. If you feel you need help, find a good Christian Councillor & ask for some direction. (The reason I suggest "Christian" is because they are usually more interested in keeping things calm & in keeping the children happy. You also may have to ask yourself some hard questions about how much the children have heard from you, whether intentionally or when they were listening instead of sleeping, doing homework, or whatever.)
Try asking them how they feel when they hear mean things being said about you. Only do this, though, after you do some soul-searching of your own. Make sure that you are not making the same mistakes your ex appears to be. Then tell them on a level they will understand that grownups sometimes say things that are not completely true when they are hurt or angry, just like children do. Things like "I hate you!" or "You're stupid!" or "You're mean!" when they are not getting their own way--a cookie before supper, not having to do their homework, stuff like that. Let them know that it's not right to talk about someone else in a mean way, especially when that person is not there to defend themselves. Make sure that you reassure them often that you love them & that they are the centre of your world. They need that more than anything. They also need to be just children. Don't make the mistake of leaning on your eldest because you need someone to talk to. It happens a lot, believe me!
As I said, I was a single Mum for 6 years before I decided that I could marry someone else, & still had a great deal of trouble sometimes, always being the "heavy", making the rules & having to enforce them alone! I understand how difficult that can be. All you can do sometimes is excuse yourself & go cry in a corner somewhere! But, remember, that's what we have girlfriends for!
I hope all this is helpful, Megs! It's hard to "talk" to you without knowing the situation better. Anyway, just know that there are a lot of Single Mums out there, & even a few Single Dads, too. Maybe there is a support group in your area that you could go to & see if it is helpful. A friend of mine & I started one ourselves in which the members had to be the "custodial parent". That is, the member had to have the real custody of their child/children. We did this because we found, in another organization, some of the men who only had their children every couple of weeks, & often missed that, would come to our meetings & pretend to be "nice guys". They were basically looking for women who were Single Moms & were, therefore, tired & lonely. They'd get what they wanted & then move along to someone else. It was so bad that, sometimes, it would pit S. Mom against S. Mom for the attentions of some creep that had picked up both of them from a meeting, unbeknownst to the other! So, be careful!
God be with You...Dodie/Nana
PS. My Faith really pulled myself & my Daughters through a lot of hard times! Try it, if you haven't already.

Dodie - posted on 06/19/2011

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I have a question that needs to be answered: Have you spoken to your ex about this? Not with his new "main squeeze", or if she is going to be present, with them & someone you trust? Also, as sneaky as this sounds, take a tape recorder. If they don't agree to stop making you a topic of the conversation, then get them together with your children & play the damn tape!! They are doing wrong, not just by you, but most important of all, the children. If the children are old enough, let them know that you would understand if they wanted to go to live with their father. If they do, let them go. I doubt, in a household where there are children from two marriages, that their stay would be longterm. The children who live full time with the ex, & belong to either both him & his MS or to just her, would be treated much better than yours would.
Some of you out there might find my methods a little strange, but, depending on the age of the children, they have been known to work well. It opens the eyes of the children to who is putting whom down & why.
God Bless, MM....Dodie/Nana

Natasha - posted on 06/19/2011

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WOW...you just have to tell your kids when something is said along the lines of your mum doesn't love you, that they say she does and your not telling the truth I know she does!

Megan - posted on 06/18/2011

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its constant though they just come up with such awful things like how I dont love my own children, and I never held them as an infant!

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