Depressed and Disgusted

Janice - posted on 07/28/2013 ( 28 moms have responded )

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No spark, No enthusiasm, no motivation for anything to include living.. I have a wonderful 8 year old, a wonderful husband of 21 years, but feel so alone and guilty that maybe I am ruining their lives with my sadness. The only time I feel alive and upbeat is when I go to the bars with my husband and drink till I hiccup myself to death.. I feel like I'm a young 21 year old again! I talk to everyone, hug everyone, etc. I am the life of the party so to speak..of course the next day I feel like an ass and and recovering from a horrible hangover. I want to make my family happy so I cook or buy gifts for them or love on them...but now a days I just want to sleep the day away and die. I don't know what to do anymore. I have tried every medication avail., seen shrinks, had blood tests to see if I am off somehow and nothing seems to do it. All of my family and friends have either moved far away or lost touch. I am alone. Maybe I am just too different and don't fit in with this world...so why even try anymore? Sure, you will say, "you have to be there for your kid", but what life am I giving him with me being sad all the time? Maybe my husband and child would be better off having a new mom... Who can you trust anymore when people want to sell you more drugs or vitamins? Its money in their pocket, and they really don't care if you get better or not, ya know? So what can I do...? And I doubt that any other mom will reply, but I thought I would just put this out here just in case...

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[deleted account]

When I was depressed, and didn't think I would ever pull myself out of that hole, I met someone and he made me look at my world a little differently. I'm going to try to put what he taught me into words that will fit here. Hopefully, I'll succeed, but it's complicated, so we'll see.

I was told to look at the people around me, and without considering my feelings at all, think about what they thought of me, how they saw me, what they valued in me. What I saw was startling.
My husband loves me--I don't know why, given all of my shortcomings and flaws, but having me in his life makes him genuinely happy. If I am honest with myself, when I ask myself, "How would my husband feel if I left?" I know without a doubt that he would be hurt, heart broken, and sad.
If I ask myself, "How would J (our son) respond to me leaving?" I know that he would grow up wondering if it was his fault, wondering if his last temper tantrum was the one that pushed me over the edge. I know that he would long for me to read him a story at night and tuckle him in the way only I know how to do.

*I* know that there are women out there would make a better wife for my husband--who can cook tastier meals, keep a cleaner home, please him in bed, and even better fulfill his emotional needs. *I* know there are women out there who can be a better mother to my son, who have more patience than I do, who have more experience, who make stronger emotional connections, and follow through with more consistency than I will ever dream of.

BUT to my husband, I am the best woman on Earth to be his wife. For whatever reason, despite my flaws, he chose ME and he continues to choose ME over every other woman out there. To HIM, I'm perfect, whether *I* can see it or not.
To my son, I am the best mother on Earth. He says to me at least once a week or so "You're the best mommy ever!" and usually it's in response to getting ice cream or cuddling up for a book together, but I'm pretty sure he means it. I know that no other woman on Earth can love him the way I do, and I think he deserves someone who loves him more than anything else on Earth--even if she is a bumbling buffoon of a mother who is doing everything wrong. I've seen enough, both in real life and on here, to know that even step mothers who give their all, and try their very, very best to love their step children as their own, ALWAYS fail. Even the ones who say they love their step children as their own don't--not on the deepest levels, the ones that count the most. They don't see it, but I can see it reading their posts. Knowing that, keeps me alive for my son--I may be unhappy, and I may be screwing up, but no one can love my kid the way I do, and he will never love another mother the way he loves me. He won't replace me, even if I want him to.

For me, suicide is a selfish, easy way out--Of course it is easier to be dead than to follow through with the commitments we've made within our lives. I love my husband and my son, and many of my crazy, stupid friends, to hurt them by leaving. I don't understand why they love me--I'm pretty sure I never will--but I know THAT they love me, and that leaving, though it would be easy for me, would hurt them tremendously, and I love them too much to do that to them.

I hope that makes some sense....I know it's complicated. I know it is hard to keep going when you don't want to.

Melissa - posted on 08/13/2013

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Before I read the other posts- my gut was telling me -- "she needs to get to church--and find Jesus"
Give your problems to Him- "let Him take the wheel" to your life.
You will be profoundly happy that you did.

Lauren - posted on 08/06/2013

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I have personal knowledge of this. When you have liver dysfunction, one symptom is anger, depression, and irritability. That causes you to want to drink more which worsens the problem and creates a nasty cycle. Two things that have tremendously helped me are these drops called Cell Food ($20ish) and a book called The Mood Cure ($10ish on Amazon). The author of The Mood Cure doesn't try to sell you anything and has an active clinic where she has over 20 years experience dealing with addictions and eating disorders, specifically. She recommends amino acid therapy as a temporary but near immediate fix (feel better in 24 hours) and a reasonable long term diet to keep your neurotransmitters up. The better your diet, the sooner you stop needing amino acids. Check out the book on Amazon. It gets VERY high ratings especially considering there are a lot of total ratings! I would recommend following her advice for trying half the recommend dose of each amino to see how each affects you (read book first and there is a section for people with alcohol issues). But if you take antidepressants already call their office for advice or ask a doctor. You can visit her website www.moodcure.com and I believe some specific therapies are listed for free but I would definitely advise getting the book. The Cell Food is amazing and actually recommended for those who drink heavily too. I got it for another purpose (raising family member's white blood cell count) and it was recommended to me by a cancer patient, but it's effects on my moods have been incredible. Your life is worth living!!!!! Don't give up!!! Something is going on with your body physically to make you feel this way. You must get to the bottom of it and you CAN do it!! DIET has profound effect on your MENTAL health (and spiritual health!!) and with the right knowledge you may not need tons and tons of extra medicines and products. But vitamins and books and things cost money to make and advertise, so don't necessarily suspect every thing that costs money. OH! one free suggestion I can offer is try going gluten-free and dairy-free for two weeks. Undiagnosed celiacs disease can cause horrible depression issues--I have a family member with celiac and depression was one of the first signs. Prayers to you!!!

Kelly - posted on 08/16/2013

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I have done.much research on raw food diets. The people i have come across have become happier and stopped all medication. Even those who have had depression, even type 1 diabetes. Including, wait for it: chemotherapy patients who have been diagnosed with terminal illnesses. Maybe try that.

As well, meditation. Meditations do wonders on relieving sadness. Any and all western medicine look at the body not the soul, the spirit of the person. Ask yourself these questions: when did i stop laughing? When did i stop singing? When did i stop dancing? When did i stop being.enchanted by stories? When did i stop telling stories? When did i stop dreaming and more importantly, when did i stop believing in my dreams?

Much love, light and many blessings. I pray that you find peace and happiness once more.

Rachel - posted on 08/02/2013

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You should look into getting on a woman's multivitamin and working out. Exercise is great for depression.

28 Comments

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Mary - posted on 01/18/2014

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Hi Janice! I too am going thru similar experience, please feel free to contact me.Mary

Kathleen - posted on 11/04/2013

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You are starting perimenopause, you should see a physician and probably get some hormone replacement therapy and possibly an antidepressant. This can be a serious issue and all of the vitamins and snake oil remedies most likely will not correct the situation. As we age our bodies change we go through a lot of mental disturbances because our ovaries are getting weaker and producing less estrogen and progesterone. Ive been there and it can be very difficult to keep pushing through the depression, but hang in there . all women go through this phase of life. First see a OBGYN and maybe a therapist get some meds to help balance you out, you will feel much better. If your children are older, go do some volunteer work or find a fun hobby to keep you interested in life. Helping others is the key to fighting depression.
Pray and ask Jesus to help you, He is faithful and will not let you down.

Znextdesigns - posted on 10/30/2013

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Hi Janice

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know everything that has been suggested to you may seem easier said than done, but you should try and implement some of the wonderful advice you already got. I have a couple suggestion I hope that you will consider. Get involved in a nearby library, church or school. Some schools are desperate for volunteers in a variety of ways. Call and see how you may assist, you would meet other volunteers and teachers and it would be great to get out of the house and interact with others. The libraries are always looking for volunteers as well or check with your city website for ideas.

Hope it works out and you get out of the funk you find yourself in.

Queen Of My - posted on 10/29/2013

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I have been where you are - and to be honest - struggle sometimes still - but the things that help me are 1) medication, 2) reiki (I find it very relaxing) - if that's not for you try getting a massage, 3) exercise and diet (nothing crazy or drastic - don't buy into a fad - just keep things healthy), 4) making time for myself (whether it's going out with my hubby or taking a bath), 5) keeping busy with short, productive projects - like painting a bedroom or organizing the front closet. Nothing too big or you will quit and feel like a failure - just something little that you will feel proud for doing 6) fresh air. This is the most important one! It is extremely necessary even just for 5 minutes - make it happen!
I know you have probably tried all of these already, but make each of them part of your daily routine. You only live once so try and make each day worth getting out o bed for. Also - you have to fake it till you make it!- Fake being happy - for your childs sake - then all of a sudden one day - it will happen without being forced. Even if it's just for a second and then you go right back - keep smiling and pushing through.
Things will get better - depression is a disease and you must fight it like any disease. Don't give up! I still have bad days too - trust me you are not alone! ~hugs!
If you ever want to talk privately, feel free to private message me! Hang in there honey!

Marcy - posted on 10/23/2013

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I am a stay at home mom of 3 girls of my own, plus I foster 1 other girl, I was exactly where u r about six mths ago, I gained at least 60-80 pounds, hated getting up in the morning, just hated everything about my life, but after laying around letting myself go and thought to myself one day I wanted my kids, I wanted this life, sure now I'm doing alone with no husband, boyfriend. All you have to do is really stop and think 'is this the life I wanted, if you don't want it change it, go out find some new people to hang out with, take a class, talk to a therapist but don't give up. Life is good, hard at times but in the end it all works out if you make the changes...take care

Christina858585 - posted on 10/17/2013

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you need to first address the underline issue surrounding your depression. is it post partum? are you simply just not wanting to be a sahm?
it sounds like you miss your single party life. first and formost you must not drink. it will mess up your bodys chemistry and make it impossible to deal with your problems. second you need to get a hobby or a class or something that you can activeky do on a regular basis that is strictly for your enjoyment that does not involve partying or babies. you need healthy you time. you will have to push yourself in order to do this. but do it. talk to other moms and build friends that will help you with childrearing and engage in friends that are strictly for social outtings. once a week a couple of beers us one thing but becoming an alcoholic will just make it worse. good luck.

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You are a wonderful mother and wife Janice cause if you weren't you would not be here posting for help,steps and knowing that you need help and seeking it it an amazing effort at making positive changes, I am proud of you.I wish i knew you because I am very spiritual fun and silly but responsible mother and person but not perfect, i have come a very long way my self and again people places and things are what changed me, think about it. But taking care of yourself so that we can be the best mommy and person we can be! You need a good friend lol and someone how will put positive thoughts in your mind. You are amazing and a good mama, laugh smile and know that it will get better taking time off for yourself is important Janice because you are.Take hot baths, do your hair in a different style be silly dress up and don't mean that we have to go out and drink and party, bring the dance floor home and cut th rug lol. who cares what anyone thinks its what makes you happy, is what matters the most, take care my friend as your in my thoughts and prays as well as everyone else here, Love each and everyone of you here, i really do and its a wonderful to be loved!!! because you are, God Bless Janice, Smile OK?!!! God has giving you a amazing life you have a child and they are the best gift a mother can ever receive in life!!!! I appreciate everything in life and am blessed each and every single day!!!

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Faith and prayer are amazing of course, I have had my fair share of hard times as well. I know that what don't kill us only makes us stronger. I was a drinker and one nasty one if i might add. I was very hateful toward everyone.Never wanted friends never wanted to do anything other than drink and dance. I knew that i was going no where. My husband i were always at each others throat. The bills were not getting paid, no money. etc. I was feed up with my life style, I one day said to myself, hey take conrol of yor life. I knew i was depressed, I started praying every day and night i have always prayed, but went to God for help,i am not perfect but a strong belive in my lord. I know that he has a purpose for me in this life, and it is not drinking and being depressed lol i sure of. I needed to do something different, PEOPLE,PLACES AND THINGS!!! Makes a huge difference, guaranteed!!! And Praying of course, God Bless and smile people will wonder what your up to!! find a hobby, do things for you, dress up,put on music and dance,sing. go out for dinner with a old friend.Laugh be happy life is wonderful!!! and so are you, just know that there are people in this world that care about you and love you, people that you do not even know like us!!! Love ya Janice, smile, it will be OK promise!!! Taking tiny steps at a time, and do it for you, because you worth it Janice, and never settle for anything less than what you feel you deserve!!

Amanda-rae - posted on 10/11/2013

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I feel that way almost all the time. And I have 2 kids. My youngest is 3months. You have to try to think positive. I know its hard.(trust me) just take it one day at a time.

Julie A - posted on 09/25/2013

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It's so sad what drugs and alcohol are doing to our society . First off, alcohol is a depressant . Period. They have state funded drug rehabs if you really want to change your life. You can do it. Please don't waste your life. It's your choice. Think of how short life is.. I will pray for you. God is the answer !!

Inga - posted on 09/23/2013

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Hi Janice.
I'm so sorry your going through this! I also recently went through this. I went to a different addictive drug, not alcohol, but just as guilt producing. My husband found out and gave me an ultimatum, my family or jail. I choose my family, went to couples therapy and went on Effexor XR. I was on Effexor XR for a year, it took that long to break out of it! I'm not completely free of depression, once you've had such a major depressive episode, unfortunately, it may be with you always. But like any life long disease, if you stay aware of it and manage it, avoiding most of the darkness is possible. I also am mostly alone, no family of my own close by, just can't seem to fit in with anyone, so have just one sorta close friend.
I take high mg of omega 3's, all the B vitamins, magnesium, calcium & lots of vitamin C. It does help, I notice when I don't take them. Maybe they work because I believe they do...not sure. I don't go to church or pray...just not my style, wasn't raised that way. But, I do feel mostly ok most of the time, so don't give up your fight!!
P.S. Alcohol also makes me feel alive & social, but it also CAUSES depression, costs a lot, has lots of empty calories and causes wrinkles! I don't buy it, and rarely drink it anymore.
It took me a year to not feel like staying in bed all day, there is not a magic overnight fix, sorry to say.
I hope my story gives you some food for thought and hope to keep on trying!
Remember, lots of people love you, even if and when you don't live yourself!!

Virginia - posted on 09/20/2013

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Janice, you sound pretty depressed. I know for a fact that booze doesn't help depression long term. Don't be so hard on yourself. It seems as though you love your family a lot. Talk to your family doctor and ask about antidepressants. Sometimes, generic Prozac helps a lot. There have been a lot of times I felt as though I didn't fit in. You want to know something? It's better to have a few true honest to goodness friends than a lot of phony ones. Let me know how you are doing. You can reach me at virginia1068@att.net. For years, my wonderful Dad suffered with depression and he overcame it. I'm going to tell you what I once told him. When you are going through a rough time, that is what families are for, to help you through good and bad times. Reach out to your husband and let him know how you feel. Others can help if you give them a chance.

Dana - posted on 09/17/2013

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Dear Janice,
I'm sorry you're having such a tough time! My advice would be to read what Kelly posted below every day (I love it!)! Remember you are the whole world to your husband and son! You are a beautiful valuable person, even if you don't feel like it. I also agree you can find so much peace and joy through Jesus/attending church. But I'd like to add that getting involved is what really helps, finding a cause or ministry to devote some time and talent to, whether it's through a church or a non-religious organization. From my own experiences through really tough and dark times in my life, church helps, volunteering is a real pick-me-up, a good counselor works wonders (keep trying until you find one you like, especially if meds aren't helping), and group therapy is really great too.
Good luck!! It'll get better, I promise. Don't give up!

Shannon - posted on 09/17/2013

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I have been going through exactly the same thing for several years now (except for the drinking part) and I can tell you what worked for me and what didn't.

I am a Christian and go to church every time the doors are open. I read my Bible everyday. This did not solve my problem. I just felt worse because I didn't have the "joy of The Lord" I must be doing something wrong.

I have been on every kind of antidepressant there is, I've been on vitamins and supplements. I've tried cutting various things from my diet. This made no difference.

I tried learning to knit, and scrap booking, and learning a musical instrument. I now have piles of projects I have never finished because I was to depressed to care about them or work on them.

I bought a new bike and some exercise equipment that I never use cause I just can't get motivated.

Non of these things worked and the feelings of uselessness and depression continued to get worse, then I did something really crazy- I got a job!
It's only three days a week at a near bye fast food restaurant. But it has made all the difference in the world. It's not about making money, it's about getting up and getting out of the house. It's about having to put a smile on your face for a few hours a day even when you don't feel like smiling. It's about getting some exercise, meeting new people, just doing SOMETHING.
Yes I feel guilty sometimes that I'm not always there when they want something, that the house isn't as clean as it should be (of course when I was feeling depressed I didn't do much cooking and cleaning anyway). But I know that regaining my physical and mental health will be better for my family in the long run.


PS, before all you "Christians" out there start freaking out on me, I'm not saying that she shouldn't pray and read her Bible, I'm just saying that prayer without action doesn't always solve the problem. I've had so many people from the church tell me that I need to "trust in God and stop worrying" etc, etc, that it just made me feel worse.

Jennifer - posted on 09/10/2013

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I have also dealt with depression for a large portion of my life but am happy to say that i do not deal with it anymore. Effexor XR was one of the only drugs that i felt worked for me and when I was ready to get off it was important to wean myself off of it because the withdrawals are horrible. I decided one day I would beat it. Lots of prayer, diet changes, and excercise. I promise it works.

Lisa - posted on 09/07/2013

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Janice, I agree with most of these posts. There's some good advice here. Please know that you already have several of us praying for you. I have dealt depression & bipolar disorder most of my life, & there's no way I could go it alone. I don't know what I'd do without God and my church family. When you are down, they are ALWAYS there to help you, encourage you, and pray with you. I also agree that diet does have a profound impact on our moods. Exercise, too, although I loathe it myself (when I'm not doing it), makes us feel better and more energized - even just a walk or stroll around the block can do wonders. Also, the sun! If you can get in the sun - not like sunbathing, but just sitting out there and watching the birds (or your weird neighbor that's out doing something funny again) if that's all you can muster the energy to do. The sun provides vitamin D and other essential elements that help with mood. One other thing that really helps me is having pets. When my kids are at school, hubby is at work, and I feel like I can't go on, they are my therapy. I have 3 cats and 2 dogs, but started with just a cat. Cats are very low maintenance, but dogs make you get out and get active. Mine beg for walks and playtime. Before, when we just had the cat, she always could make me laugh when I gave her a toy, then rewarded me with kitty hugs and purrs. If you can, I would also recommend a pet companion.

You can get through this! It's so hard, I know! I've been that low more than once in my life. My biggest savior was THE Savior, Jesus Christ. Praying you will find God and a good church, find the right foods for your chemistry, and find a way to get out and get going again, without the alcohol. (After all, alcohol is a depressant.) Hugs to you!

Rachael - posted on 08/31/2013

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mid life crises, i feel the same. but thats all i can come up with lol. idk try to take a vacation alone the come back refreshed. ive done that and had a blast even for just 1 day good luck

Carmen - posted on 08/08/2013

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you know drinking is not the answer so snap out only you can control you look I still feel like that every once in awhile but I had reasons it sounds like to me that you're just bored nothing to do I got onto scrapbooking I don"t need to drink because what little money I do have goes no that now

Lauren - posted on 08/06/2013

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I just wrote the last post mentioning amino acids and then read the other replies. I agree wholeheartedly about Jesus and should have included that in my first message. I became a Christian after my son was born when I was 17. I had previously lived the party life and reality came crashing down. It took awhile for me to get my life on track and I've tried going back to my old ways and God keeps bringing me back. I honestly could not make it through life without God's grace and help. If you don't know God, but desire to change (even if you don't know how), pray to him right now and say something like "God, please help me. I know I am a sinner and I feel in bondage to this horrible depression, and I want to be made new, please save me and I invite you into my life to forgive me, and love me, and guide me. Please help me. In Jesus name, amen". You may not feel better right away but if your desire is genuine, God will help you! Sometime his help comes at what seems like the last minute. There is a bible verse that says (paraphrased) no temptation has overtaken you except which is common to man, and God is faithful and will provide a way out for you so you can stand up to the temptation. And "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only begotten son, that whosoever believes in him will not perish but have everlasting life" John 3:16. Claim those verses for yourself today and believe that they apply to you! I also am here to talk. I'm not sure how private messaging works with this forum so if you can't find a way to contact me and you want to, post here again and if I see it I will reply!! There's a lot more I could say about my experiences off the online record, but believe me, I can really relate to what you are going through!!! And find a bible believing church near you, a big one, if you are shy about standing out, and go every Sunday for a month. And if the first one you visit isn't welcoming, try another one. There are no perfect churches out there, just as there are no perfect people, so keep trying until you find one that is welcoming, loving, and believes in teaching the bible and saving lost souls. Reach out to the pastor and make some caring Christian friends. And if you are a Christian already, don't give up on faith. Pray to God constantly and live in obedience to what you know to do, even if you don't understand everything. Blessings and prayers to you!! I think it's no mistake that at least three of us mention Jesus as someone for you to turn to!
PS. I also forgot to say in my last post that the aminos have a very noticeable effect, so as long as you don't have bad side effects, keep taking them and taper off slowly or stopping abruptly can lead to mood swings (at least it did in my case). And DON'T DRINK while taking them, especially 5-htp. I drank two drinks after taking 5-htp and felt very very strange. 5-htp is converted by your body into seratonin and alcohol can temporarily increase seratonin and too much seratonin can lead to "seratonin syndrome" (google that) which can kill you. Interestingly, with Cell Food I have had no mood swings and zero bad side effects and Cell Food contains all of the amino acids (not necessarily in the therapeutic dose levels as would be obtained by taking the individual amino acid supplements mentioned earlier which are much higher doses). Cell Food contains other components, the main one being a substance which creates oxygen in your blood and neutralizes free radicals caused by the making of oxygen. Your body needs to heal and the extra oxygen in your blood can do wonders for your health and mood. I bought mine at the local health food store and you could probably find it online. These are products that have really helped me. I have nothing to sell, and I care about you even though I don't know you. I hope something I said helps!!

Shaela - posted on 08/01/2013

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Janice you are not alone. Lots of us mothers go thru this. I stand with Corlene in her answer. Man can only try to fix so much. We all were born with a God shaped hole in our hearts that only he can fill. Get a bible or download the bible app. The sooner we ask God into our hearts and take over the sooner He can heal us. I find for myself if I'm not praying and reading my bible everyday I don't care about much. And I feel like much less.
As far as medication it is synthetic and not always compatible with our bodies. I get post pardeum depression and it lasts almost 2 years. I recently started essential oils and it helps with my moods. Along with other issues.
But I strongly suggest Jesus first, he is the ultimate healer. I'm here if you want to talk more about both or either option.
Your family would suffer without you, and it's never a good option, nobody wins. Good luck!

Corlene A.R - posted on 07/28/2013

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Janice there's one person you did not try and that's my Jesus. And even though you're right about some one telling you that you have to be their for your kid you're also right about the kind of life you would give him but wrong about mother's replying back because there mothers going through what you going through and their mothers that went through what you're going through. I'm no shrink no doctor but I'm a child of God and I know what He can do, you see there was a time I felt like you only thing my situation was different had 4 children to deal with and two more was on their way I know I had to take care of them but before I had to take care of me I had to love me I had to forgive me from what was making me so unhappy see forgiveness is not for someone else it was for me I give my heart to God and I pray and ask Him to let me to love me, to show me where I was going wrong and He did today He has made my life much simpler and I am happy. Your son loves you your husband loves you take it one day at a time wake up and ask God to give you peace of mind, get a bible and start reading attend a bible believing church and see how different your life would be for what is impossible with man is possible with God let Him change you and make the difference. Janice today can be a new day for you I guarantee you He's able to turn your sorrows into joy. Just say Lord come into my heart I'm sinner save me and wash me from all my unrighteousness for I am yours today. Be Bless

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