difference in opinion

Carrissa - posted on 02/23/2010 ( 19 moms have responded )

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I don't know if im the only one out there but my hubby has no appreciation for what i do. The other day i asked if he could please please massage my neck and upper back. He was like, you never do anything, you dont need a massage... um... thank you very much but the house is always as clean as it can be with a little munchkin around here, dinners always cooked by the time you get home from work, and um every notice how the baby is happy? That means she's been taken care of. I work my butt off, i wish for one dayi could switch places with him. He goes to work and stands around all day. Wouldn't that be nice!!! lol

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Sarah - posted on 02/23/2010

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Ha!! Leave your kids with hubby for a few hours on a Saturday or when he gets home from work, make sure the kids need something like lunch or a bath or a play date that daddy has to get them ready for and drive them to, and see how quickly his tune changes!! I love him, but he can't even get the kids in the right clothes even if I have them laid out and tell him who is wearing what.
My hubby works ~60 hours per week that leaves me with 6:30am (sometimes earlier if the kids wake before the crack of dawn) to 6:30pm child duty 5 days a week.
I make sure that I have grocery shopping to do Saturday morning (and usually make a side trip to the fabric store or just stop at the park and sit quietly for 20 minutes). By the time I get home 2 hours later he is kissing the ground I walk on and begging me to take child care responsibilites back, and he always has a better appreciation for what I do in a day. I never have to ask twice for a backrub if he has had the kids recently.
And Carissa, I feel your pain my hubby was 'scared' of both babies until they started moving around by themselves, he wouldn't do much of anything with them, but he helped me out cleaning the house and changing wash when I asked- guilted more like it. Throw the "hey, I was up all night with the baby while you slept the least you can do is move the laundry from one machine to another".

Carrissa - posted on 02/23/2010

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Kate, there was one night i was having it rough. and its hard to get him to lift a finger .... when it comes to baby... idk hes scared of her, i ask him to do things, and he says no, well its got to get done... so i do it... one night... he took her from me while i was tryin to get her settled down so i took that as he had the situation and i went to bed cuz i was exdhausted... next thing i know hes in the room idk what to do i cant do this by myself idk what to do... im like come on its not that difficult feed her, change her, get her to sleep, seriously? And he freakexd out (this was shortly after we brought her home mind you) and guess who had to get up and do it any way? Ever since that night...... he just doesn't do much at all.

Holly - posted on 02/23/2010

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My fiance and I have set days to accommodate each other. He gets home at 5:30-6:00. So we break it up. One day I will look after Jaydah from 6-8 and he'll do it 8-10. It gives each of us those two hours everyday to ourselves. Trust me, it helps. Good Luck !

Jess - posted on 02/23/2010

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I was thinking about this just today actually as I was wrestling with my mountain of dirty washing ! Perhaps men don't understand because we do our jobs so well it appears effortless to them.... I know your probably all thinking I'm crazy but hear me out !!



Our men go off to work in the morning, and if your like me still in bed, because you had to get up at some unhumanly AM time to feed baby.... probably got up mutliple times, which hubby convientantly slept through! So they get up and see us "sleeping in". Of course baby wakes up the second daddy kisses them goodbye and shuts the front door too loudly ! So our days starts. and we work our butts off running around keeping our kiddies happy, cleaning the house and arranging for that washing fairy to magic all of hubbies clothes back to his wardrobe clean and ironed !



Dinner is on the table or well on its way to the table anyway and the kids are happy and clean (after you scrubbed them) all before daddy walks through the door. We make ourself look at presentable as possible and we put on a smile and make our men think we are perfectly happy and contented.... They don't see what we have done all day. They just see a clean house, happy kids, happy wife.... Geez must have been an easy day. If they came home to see the house looking like a bomb site, the kids screaming their heads off covered in whatever you shared with them for lunch.... lets face it eatting alone doesn't exisit with children, they see you at your wits end and they think, Oh she had a hard day !



In our quest to be super mum's we have managed to succeed too well and have ended up just shooting ourselves in the foot ! Men don't read between the lines, they don't even read directions or instructions ! Well this is what I muttered to myself as I got lost in dirty washing... it made me feel better though !

19 Comments

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Theresa - posted on 02/25/2010

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This reminds me of a joke I read once (especially the first poster's reply)

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his family's house: Their four children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry he found an even bigger mess: A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work you ask me what in the world I did today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

T - posted on 02/24/2010

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You need to take a mommy day on a day that your hubby is off, and allow for him to juggle the responsibilities. Men have NO clue what it is like juggling it all. Allow him to try it and when he is home with you, be sure that he lends a helping hand with caring for the baby. Teach him now b/c otherwise the more time that goes by wihtout him helping, the less of a chance that he will as time goes on. I borke my husband in from day one, and he is a big help which in turn makes him a superb daddy.

Adrienne - posted on 02/24/2010

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One more thing, ask him if he gets lunch breaks, sick days, vacation days, happy hours with co-workers, etc...? Your job pays you nothing and to top it off you don't have any time to yourself to just unwind and be with people your own age. Ask him if he would apply for your position.

Cassie - posted on 02/24/2010

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i stopped doing cleaning and stuff for a week drove my (soon to be) husband nuts and he finally stopped complaining so much

Adrienne - posted on 02/24/2010

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Men will be men however, you can express these feelings to him as I do with my husband. My advice is to not be so perfect, play the victim role of being too tired to do everything no matter how hard it is to not keep the house absolutely spotless. What I do is to try and do a little less that what I can daily, so that when I do much more he appreciates it. By the way, I have also been training my husband to pick and clean up after himself. On the weekends, I have him help me with the clothes and other odds and ends. And I also have him occasionally babysit on weekends so I can get my things done or just to have time alone. By the way, I have a 3 and 2 year old.
You must be strong and persistent with a man if not he will walk all over you. This is not the easy way but, it will prevent you from resenting him in the future and possibly divorce. Remember, you only fight for the good things in life. So let the fighting begin and put your foot down girl!

Vickie - posted on 02/24/2010

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I have to laugh. This is a daily argument between me and my hubby. I run a daycare from home, I have a daughter in school, a son home with me and one due in two months, I also watch 3 boys ages 6 months to 19 months, and I have had some major medical issues with this pregnancy (have been hospitalized twice and have had two surgeries). I keep the house cleaned up and the kids pick up their toys in the evening, I always have dinner on the table or finishing up cooking when he gets home. He will argue with me that he has had a harder day then I could ever imagine. All I do is sit around the house and watch kids. Um Yeah honey you keep believing that! The rare time that I leave the kids with him on a weekend to go to the store (of course for grocery shopping) or to actually have the twice a year lady's day, I get home to him complaining that he was not able to get any of the stuff that he needed to do done because the kids kept interrupting him.
Somehow he forgets this 30 min after it has happened though! :)
I feel for you dear! There is just no real way to change the situation, but take the time to leave the baby with him any chance you get, maybe one day it will sink in!

Lucy - posted on 02/23/2010

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I had the same problem with my husband, until he had to do my job for a month!

My doctor referred me for a four week residential physiotherapy course to help with a serious spine condition I have, the family could come with me but I would be at the clinic 9-5, so obviously needed care for the kids (2 and 3). My husband managed to arrange the time off work, and his attitude was "how hard can it be? It will be like a holiday!"

He soon realised what a tough job it is to be a stay at home parent, and was sooo apologetic for not understanding before. Since then I have felt so much more appreciated, my husband pitches in a lot more and is always ready to give me a break and take charge of the kids for a while on the weekend.

So my advice is to throw your husband in at the deep end and leave him to it with the kids for a couple of days. Go and visit an old friend, or if you don't want to leave them overnight book yourself in for something useful like a 3 day first aid course where you will be out of the house for the hours your husband normally would be. Guys don't see the work if they don't have to do it!

Marsha - posted on 02/23/2010

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i know the feeling. i'm a recent stay at home mom and work my butt off each day with shopping, cleaning, taking care of all the animals, and fixing dinner so he will have something to eat when he gets home. instead of working on projects that he has and complains that he never has time time to do on weekends, he ends up mostly sitting around and watching TV. that's really irritating especially these are things that i can't do b/c i'm not good at mending fences or installing a home theater system! i'm not sure if he understands what all needs to be done from his end

Kristi - posted on 02/23/2010

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I actually don't have that problem....My husband does realize how much I do and take care of. I think he always has. However, I think he had a better understanding once he was home with all of us (our son, the "puppy" and myself) one day. He got to see that the baby whines for something, so I get him settled. Then, the puppy whimpers, so I get him settled. Then, the baby needs something else. Then, of course, the puppy needs something. My husband also got to see me making meals for our son. And make myself (and him) something to eat as well. My husband also noticed how hard it is to get anything done with a small child running around all day. Then, he saw how long it actually takes to do a task, such as the dishes and just cleaning up in general. By the end of the day, my husband was able to see that I do just as much now as I did when I was working (outside the home, that is), if not more! So, maybe all your husband needs is to have a bit of a wake up call!

Carrissa - posted on 02/23/2010

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lol yea hes pretty good at helping me ONCE i ask but if i dont ask its like hes oblivious that i need help with anything even. lol im like couldnt ya see i could've used some help. i just think its halarious that i tried to give him control and he freaked, that night that it all happened he was like i dont know how you do it, she cries about everything... i was like hunny... that is the concept... shes a baby! lol And hes 8 yrs older than me, age means nothing though. lol hes jsut in no way shape or form able to think like a woman i guess

Carrissa - posted on 02/23/2010

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it would be nice if it were that easy to get somethin to happen around here lol

Holly - posted on 02/23/2010

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Damn men. You just need to have a conversation with them and make up a schedule. I was having this problem and it worked for me.

Kate - posted on 02/23/2010

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Has he ever been home alone with the baby? l told David before we had our first child it was an 'every minute of every day job'. He didn't believe me until l went back to work parttime when our son was 13 weeks old and he took care of him 5 mornings a week.

Now he knows how important it is for me to get away for a little time each week.

They don't realize what is involved until they are alone with the baby. l don't think he'll ever be alone with even just 2 of the kids, we have 3 now, and get anything else done.

When l did work parttime, l stood around doing nothing 4 of the 5 hours l was at work. Believe me, it was wonderful. l work harder now that l stay home with a two year old and 6 month old twins than l worked when it was a parttime job and one 6 month old.

Try leaving the baby with him for just an hour while you go visit a friend or do a bit of shopping.

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