Dilemma:Two Paternity Surprises & A Child Destiny

Laura - posted on 08/02/2016 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Hi all- just joined because I honestly don't know what to do about this pretty complicated situation. I'm going to try and keep it as simple as possible...OK lets begin at the beginning and try to keep it short: - I had been married for 8 yrs, no kids, to a very emotionally unavailable, emotionally abusive husband, but better than most, or so I thought at the time.
- I felt so empty and alone, that obviously after that many years, we separated and I had a brief relationship with a co-worker. We loved each other very much, but I guess its clear that we both lacked the skills to have a successful relationship. I broke up with him and I haven't reached out to him since then.
- And of course, I didn't know, I was pregnant. By then I had had sex w husband again, since he was getting better and working on his issues, so I truly had no idea who the father was. I never said a word to my friend from work. And then my daughter was born, and she looks and acts just like this guy. I don't think my husband is the dad, however he's raising her, we ended up together again. In case you're wondering, I have never told him about the guy at work, so there's that...but since we were separated for a while, I think he suspects. I have always wanted to talk about this both with my friend and my still husband, because I think is important, but have stopped myself trying to provide the most stability for my toddler. I have tried to put her first at every turn.
- And twist! - In the most bizarre of circumstances, I found out that my friend from work, had gotten married,to a girl that actually looks like me, and has recently had a kid. And while I feel happy for him, this has stirred up this whole paternity thing once more. So here's the question: do I tell him that I had a child I believe is his 99% sure, do I tell my husband that daughter may not be his, do I tell toddler daughter she has two daddies? They both would be in shock I think. There's so much at stake, like my husband divorcing me, my daughter being put in a bad situation, my friends new life getting complicated, etc etc etc.
While I have no regrets about how my daughter was conceived, she's the light of our lives, and life happens, I will not let her or myself feel any less than anyone else. I do feel horrible that this potentially can mess up her existence big time. Please some advice, I don't think I can be the kind of person that keeps something like this quite much longer.
Thanks so much- L

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Patricia - posted on 08/09/2016

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You have not exposed truth up this point and it is eating you up. You really cannot live peacefully until your are honest with everyone concerned. In regards to your toddler (so thankful you have this wonderful daughter in your life.. and I will be praying that your husband will be able to forgive and go forward with both of you), here is an article that could be helpful in telling her, and what ages are appropriate. This article is for 'When to tell your child they are adopted..', so that's not your situation except for 'parentage', so I think the information would apply and be helpful. http://bit.ly/2b0oYdd. I am praying for your strength, wisdom, truth and peace.

Lisa - posted on 08/09/2016

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You have a dilemma on your hands. Part of me wants to say, let the past be and move forward with your family. Enjoy the relationship that you have and let your family grow. The other part says that truth is good and helpful and right. But the best advice I could give you is to go find a counselor, tell all of it to them and let them guide you in your situation and your circumstances, which choice would be the best. Obviously, which ever you choose is going to impact the rest of your life and your daughter's life. Choose wisely my friend and see professional counsel.

Michelle - posted on 08/05/2016

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Everyone has the right to know the truth. I would start by telling your husband that while you were separated you saw someone else. Get a DNA test done as well to know for sure.
Depending on the results, you will have to tell the friend. Your child has a right to know her true parentage, just in case there are any medical conditions.
You got yourself into this mess, now is the time to come clean with everyone. It will eat you inside if you keep all of this a secret, especially since you said you think your husband already suspects he isn't the Father.

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